ffets Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) He woke up one morning in September and was a different person. Someone else was in my boyfriend’s body. This new person was delusional, paranoid and not all that nice; I had no idea that he was in his first episode of schizophrenia. I was ignorant to the illness. To my knowledge, he had absolutely no history of mental illness. His behaviour continued for a couple of days and I was subconsciously making excuses for him. I knew that he was sick the minute he embarrassed himself in public. His strange behaviour and delusional thoughts were real; I had to put my denial aside. I could no longer pretend that this was not happening. My body became weak and my breath was taken away. I could not believe my eyes; I wanted to wake up from the nightmare. If I had only known that it was the beginning of my journey to hell and back, would I have reacted different? I made a decision to try and get him help, AT ANY COST. Due to his mental state, he was sure that there was nothing wrong with him and that it was everyone else that was strange. He would not let me take him to a Doctor. I had never met his parents before. All I knew is that they knew I existed. Phoning was a difficult thing to do. I had to convince them that their son who they had and loved for 24 years was sick. They must have though I was crazy. They had no reason to believe me. I had them convinced and they came to where we lived to try and help him. Next was to get him medical attention. Since he did not want any this was a great challenged. We did everything. We phoned the mental health departments at the hospitals and emergency crisis lines. Our efforts did not work. We were told that “people have rights and that you can’t go around calling them crazy”. The system failed him. He managed to fool three physiatrists and an army of nurses, counsellors and mental health workers. They said there was nothing wrong with him. They did no see the guy who I seen. The guy who thought that everyone was out to get him, the guy who moved all his money from one financial institution to another because he feared it would be stolen, the guy who parked our vehicles on the front lawn to keep them safe, the guy who was sure that I was a spy who was paid to collect information on him and the guy who said that he had been forced to smoke cigarettes that were dipped on poison. The last time I spoke to my boyfriend, he was calm and I felt good about our conversation. He had wanted to spend the weekend with me. I had a bad feeling and I told him NO. I told him I wanted for him to continue to see doctors because I was not yet comfortable with his prognosis. I had been previously frightened by him so I was not spending any time alone with him. At the end of the conversation we hung up on the terms that he promised he would phone me tomorrow, which would have been Friday. I will be waiting for Friday for the rest of my life. Friday, Saturday and Sunday came and nobody heard from him. Monday came the bad news. He was dead. He hurt himself and was never coming back. He was a very sick boy and nobody knew. I never imagined that he would hurt himself. I may have only had him for a short time but I will love him forever. I am left with the pieces of his broken soul and memoires of absolute confusion and madness. Time will heal my heart for his loss but I don’t think I will ever get over the chain of events leading up to his death. I am haunted to think of how scared he must have been. It must be terrible to think that everyone is out to hurt you. I don’t look at his death as suicide. I think he did it to stop the madness that was going on inside of him. I don’t even he was in control of his actions. If I hadn’t of lived through his sickness and didn’t witness his out of this world thoughts and behaviour I might have a different opinion of his death. Maybe I would be mad at him. Edited October 25, 2009 by ffets
Lostgurl Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Oh my god,, I'm so sorry for you... I can imagine what you have gone through. I went through something similar with my ex husband, only it didn't end the same.... But you had a better heart than I. I wasn't as nice and i didn't stand by him, determined to see him through. I was weak and left, when the madness didn't. I left and i think i made it worse by doing so. But it was, just chaos.... I couldn't stay for a minute longer. I'm so sorry that you've gone through this and, you are in my thoughts. How are you coping? Are you doing ok?
tigergem Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I don't really know the right words to say, so I just want to offer you my deepest condolences and a *hug* - - for the help you offered and the friend you tried to be. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I am so sorry this happened to him.
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