About that "rollercoaster"

[Aksion]

Been in sort of a spiral for the past few days. Only people I've even spoken to are y'all here on these forums. Made it into work this morning, closed my self off from my staff -- holes up in my office right now. I don't want to even to be seen. I am really letting her **** me up and can't stop it.

[tojaz]

Been in sort of a spiral for the past few days. Only people I've even spoken to are y'all here on these forums. Made it into work this morning, closed my self off from my staff -- holes up in my office right now. I don't want to even to be seen. I am really letting her **** me up and can't stop it.

 

I always dreaded days like that, when you just can't shake it. What worked for me was just finding anything...ANYTHING to engage your mind. Just staying busy and focused elsewhere helps a lot. Dosen't always work on the really bad days, but thats what LS is here for. Log on and let it out bro, were here for you and we all get it!

TOJAZ

[Aksion]

I've really fallen hard on LS and actually even harder on a married woman I used to date in HS that is just a really great friend. She's listened to me blab about my issues for hours and always keeps me up as much as possible.

 

The past 3-4 days have been extremely rough for me -- and while I know I probably shouldnt seclude myself like this, just some days I dont wanna be seen. I was hoping for some ups and downs, but I'm not even getting that. I'm literally slipping further and further into completely losing myself.

[JaneDoe35]

Hang in there Aksion.....I also had a few of my worst days recently but I am back to a functioning sort of level again.

 

We are all here for you..don't give up. I know it is impossible to believe but apparently there will be better days ahead!!!!

[PWSX3]

 

The past 3-4 days have been extremely rough for me -- and while I know I probably shouldnt seclude myself like this, just some days I dont wanna be seen. I was hoping for some ups and downs, but I'm not even getting that. I'm literally slipping further and further into completely losing myself.

There is a difference from just wanting some time to yourself & hiding......

 

When you are feeling down you NEED to get out, be with friends and let them help you get yourself back going again. They don't need to say anything but just be around friends that are having fun....

 

This sometimes can be the hardest thing to do but it is something that needs to be done. Push yourself to get out & be with friends.

[Aksion]

Well, I suppose in her attempt to pour more salt in the wounds she thought it would be nice to send an e-mail to me. I debated for about 30 minutes on whether or not to open it, and finally did.

 

"Status: I wish this would hurry up and happen already so I can get on with my life. Still, life is pretty AWESOME right now! Mood: Happy"

 

This bitch copy and pasted her status on myspace and sent it to me in an e-mail!! Are you KIDDING ME?! You can't even speak to me but you want to show me how ****ing happy you are?!

 

Called in sick this morning, me and the bourbon are gonna have a long day today.

[Logik]

Well, I suppose in her attempt to pour more salt in the wounds she thought it would be nice to send an e-mail to me. I debated for about 30 minutes on whether or not to open it, and finally did.

 

"Status: I wish this would hurry up and happen already so I can get on with my life. Still, life is pretty AWESOME right now! Mood: Happy"

 

This bitch copy and pasted her status on myspace and sent it to me in an e-mail!! Are you KIDDING ME?! You can't even speak to me but you want to show me how ****ing happy you are?!

 

Called in sick this morning, me and the bourbon are gonna have a long day today.

 

That's not playing nice at all. She's probably hurting and wants you to hurt as well. She can tell everyone that she's happy, but it doesn't mean that she is. Don't believe everything you hear especially if she's telling you something out of the blue.

 

Ignore her. She probably wants a reaction from you.

[Aksion]

I almost don't even want to serve her with these papers now. I mean, she is the one who left, and apparently so happy, but she's waiting for me to do allthe work for her?!

 

****ing ridiculous.

[Aksion]

So, I've been locked in my house all day today. Was drunk at one point, it's 3:30 am now, and I'm wide awake.

 

I really feel as if I'm losing myself.

 

I've had our separation papers done for almost a week and still haven't bothered to contact her so they can get signed. After that "e-mail" from her yesterday, I don't know what to do at all. I've said before that her birthday is coming up...I almost feel like I should actually send her a card, flowers, something. She's given me no sign of return -- or love or willingness to try since the day she left. I don't even know what I'm clinging on to anymore.

 

I put on this front that I'm doing better, that I'm letting thus all go and ready to move on -- when I'm around other people. Yet most of the time I don't even feel like I'm there, and I tend to completely forget I was ever there or that I spoke with a certain person. All I can think of is what I've become -- or should I say what I've been turned into by letting thoughts of this woman slowly deterioate the man I once was. She never gave me a reason -- only carbon-copy excuses to justify her leaving. "Recent neglect" -- "alcohol (which I only used to have a few beers during football mainly)" -- "pushing her away". She actually told me at one point that she wished I was with someone else already so her leaving wouldn't be so hard. Told me another time on the phone during the week that she left that if we met she was bringing a knife Nd mace because she didn't trust me. What the **** did I do that was so bad that I deserved that? I never once laid a hand on this woman. My mind is so ****ed up right now I can't even function on a day to day routine I've dealt with for the last 8 years.

 

I don't think any of this makes even a bit of sense and if nobody understands or even replies, I get it. I am not really all here anymore, and nothing I seem to do makes me even feel like I want to fix this. I heard a song lyric earlier that actually seemed to fit me perfectly -- "When I don't wanna get outta bed I just fight it/ Sometimes I don't eat for days I just diet/ I keep f*ckin ***** up but keep tryin/ If y'all would just trust me I wouldn't keep lyin.". I don't know where my head is at anymore. I know there are people that love me, and I know there are people that care, but I don't care, I don't love me, I feel as if I've lost all control of what I once called my "life". I made this woman my life, everything about myself was done for her, or based around her -- and to know that she could leave me, and be happier without me has ruined my perspective of everything..

 

It's now 4:00 am and I'm still here, still typing, still rambling. I feel as if I stop talking I'm going to spiral out of control, although I have nothing more to say. Music seems to be the only thing that keeps me glued together at times, and I'll drown myself, my thoughts in it and completely ignore the outside world. It's been almost 5 days now and the only people I've spoke with are y'all. I've been around people, I just don't hear them, or I do and just pay it no mind.

[JaneDoe35]

So, I've been locked in my house all day today. Was drunk at one point, it's 3:30 am now, and I'm wide awake.

 

I really feel as if I'm losing myself.

 

I've had our separation papers done for almost a week and still haven't bothered to contact her so they can get signed. After that "e-mail" from her yesterday, I don't know what to do at all. I've said before that her birthday is coming up...I almost feel like I should actually send her a card, flowers, something. She's given me no sign of return -- or love or willingness to try since the day she left. I don't even know what I'm clinging on to anymore.

 

I put on this front that I'm doing better, that I'm letting thus all go and ready to move on -- when I'm around other people. Yet most of the time I don't even feel like I'm there, and I tend to completely forget I was ever there or that I spoke with a certain person. All I can think of is what I've become -- or should I say what I've been turned into by letting thoughts of this woman slowly deterioate the man I once was. She never gave me a reason -- only carbon-copy excuses to justify her leaving. "Recent neglect" -- "alcohol (which I only used to have a few beers during football mainly)" -- "pushing her away". She actually told me at one point that she wished I was with someone else already so her leaving wouldn't be so hard. Told me another time on the phone during the week that she left that if we met she was bringing a knife Nd mace because she didn't trust me. What the **** did I do that was so bad that I deserved that? I never once laid a hand on this woman. My mind is so ****ed up right now I can't even function on a day to day routine I've dealt with for the last 8 years.

 

I don't think any of this makes even a bit of sense and if nobody understands or even replies, I get it. I am not really all here anymore, and nothing I seem to do makes me even feel like I want to fix this. I heard a song lyric earlier that actually seemed to fit me perfectly -- "When I don't wanna get outta bed I just fight it/ Sometimes I don't eat for days I just diet/ I keep f*ckin ***** up but keep tryin/ If y'all would just trust me I wouldn't keep lyin.". I don't know where my head is at anymore. I know there are people that love me, and I know there are people that care, but I don't care, I don't love me, I feel as if I've lost all control of what I once called my "life". I made this woman my life, everything about myself was done for her, or based around her -- and to know that she could leave me, and be happier without me has ruined my perspective of everything..

 

It's now 4:00 am and I'm still here, still typing, still rambling. I feel as if I stop talking I'm going to spiral out of control, although I have nothing more to say. Music seems to be the only thing that keeps me glued together at times, and I'll drown myself, my thoughts in it and completely ignore the outside world. It's been almost 5 days now and the only people I've spoke with are y'all. I've been around people, I just don't hear them, or I do and just pay it no mind.

 

Morning Aksion, it is night here in Australia and I am just putting my daughter to bed and then I will go myself. It is only 7:40pm but I did not sleep at all last night and after working all day I feel like a zombie.

 

Your post does make sense to me and probably to most here on this part of LoveShack.

 

You are feeling hurt & rejected and that is so depressing. I don't know how somone could be so cruel in sending an email like the one she sent you. Maybe you should 'block sender' on her so that you are not even tempted to open any emails like that one again.

 

Yes she has left and to you appears happy, but I doubt she is as happy as she makes out. I also have so many friends & family that love me and I know the feeling of that not feeling like enough. But we have to make that enough, at least for the moment. We must let those who truly love us help to get us through this pain. We are more than our marriages.

 

Please don't let her completely destroy you. I know it is easier said than done. I am still hanging on as I have a daughter to love and I am sure there are people that you need to hang on for.

[Aksion]

There may be Jane -- however at times I feel like a monster inside my own body. I don't feel like myself anymore. Before I went into this seclusion a few days back I had many people trying to push me into therapy -- even had a few people offer to pay for the sessions for me. I just don't feel like it will help. I'm not a psycho, and don't need that 'title' because some shrink can't figure me out. I still can't believe that my mind is allowing me to let this woman kill everything I've ever known about myself. It's like I'm here -- but I'm not. I'm very coherent, and concious to the world around me -- yet none of it seems to make sense and I seem to just ignore almost everything. Its not that I don't care about myself....I still work out daily -- and even harder than before as I feel I want to look even better than I ever have. I had my wife before, I didn't NEED to impress her -- I just wanted to. Now I feel as if I NEED to be in better shape, and I'm already in excellent shape. Its just, in the beginning my mind would 'slip' so to speak into days where I needed to be alone, I needed to not see anyone and just handle myself. Then it would be ok, and I'd feel the NEED to be around people, to keep my mind off of things. Now, its just gone. I don't want her in my life, but I can't seem to get a grip on myself long enough to even speak normally with people -- thus why it takes me so long to type this **** out. I do believe there are many people that care, and honestly, I know that she still cares -- and I highly doubt she would like to see me like this, I don't like looking at myself. I said it in the beginning, I feel like I've been taken over by something, and I can't get it out of me no matter what I do.

 

Despite all of this, I am going to contact her within the next few days to let her know when and where she needs to be to sign the papers.

[tojaz]

I get what your saying too Aksion. Towards the end, my ex wouldn't even ride in the car with me, like i was going to kidnap her or something. Scared me to no end to watch her act like that. It's a hard thing to cope with and i don't blame you for wanting to hide out. I would suggest doing some reading to help you understand some of whats going on. "Crazy Time" was very helpful for this. I would suggest giving it a look. I feel for you bro, theres some rough days ahead.

TOJAZ

[JaneDoe35]

Therapy can be a good thing. Well, it is meant to be a good thing. I had never had any till this all happened but it has been helpful for me. It has not taken the pain away but it has given me some strength to keep moving.

 

I feel like I don't know who I am either. It is scary. I feel this way because the person I love does not know who he is anymore and I was very much aligned to him. When he left he took a huge part of me with him and now I have to rebuild that missing part (most of my soul I think). Because he is questioning his own personality and desires etc I am forced to do the same. This is not on my terms so I am struggling to find me.

 

I sometimes feel I would be better off dead. But when I think that I remind myself that I am worthwhile still. My husband still loves me but he is not able to be my husband at this point in time. But I am loved by others. Sure it is not the same love but I have to raise it's level of importance.

 

I am so sad that you are feeling so bad. You are not certifiably(sp) psycho but you have been pushed over the edge and therapy may help you to climb back up. I hope you will consider it. Go on, humour me....you don't have anything to lose.

[Aksion]

Deleting my e-mails today (mostly spam) I happened to stumble across one she sent me a few days after she left. Decided to re-read it -- maybe find a reason for why she left. That was futile, but the last sentence read "I think I was just too young." This was before we stopped speaking completely, but it made no sense to me. We are both young, and I supported her the whole time (quite well mind you) being young. When she started school a few months back is when she started meeting new friends -- it makes me wonder if she saw these unmarried people and wants to try this out. Or if she really found another person that she was interested in enough to leave me.

 

It has been 3 weeks since we have spoke now -- haven't seen each other since she left. Last "kiss" I gave her on her forehead before I left the house to let her finish packing. At times I still feel as though I want her in my life, and I know I still care deeply for her. I feel like I should push harder sometimes, try and go see her, speak with her. However, other times I just feel as if I should completely let go. She seems to have already, so why shouldn't I? I've told myself to go see her, to do something, anything to get our relationship back on track, 6 years is quite a long time to just abruptly leave and then not even attempt contact or anything. I want her to be happy though -- and it seemed as if when we did have contact initially after she left, she was never happy speaking with me. Cold, hard tone in her voice that I'd never heard before -- even when we would argue it'd never be like that. Its just so confusing though, because she loved me so much -- to the point where it would look like fairy tale type **** to other people. Waiting for me at the door everyday, clinging to me any chance she had when I wasn't working, she had more pictures of me on her phone/camera than my parents have taken of me in my whole life.

 

So here I am, rambling again...I need to get out. I need to meet someone, just for the conversation. Someone I don't know -- I just don't know how to, and honestly, despite myself being in great physical shape, I probably don't look too good right now. My mind has really failed me here, and I look pale and tired. I feel so old, and so lost. How could I have somehow pushed away all that love she had for me? Everything I wanted in a woman is what she was -- honest to God truth she had every physical feature I look for in a woman and we had a lot in common. I let her leave, and she not only took my heart with her -- but my sanity as well.

 

I have to get out. My thoughts stay locked up in this house with me regardless of what I do.

[tojaz]

Therapy does help a lot. If for no other reason then to decipher the massive jumble of emotions your feeling all at the same time. Either way, you need to climb out of that hole Aksion and get back to your routine. The longer you stay in there, the harder it will be to get out.

TOJAZ

[Aksion]

I wish I knew how or what to do when I 'get out'. I'm literally scared of myself and of life in general right now.

[tojaz]

I wish I knew how or what to do when I 'get out'. I'm literally scared of myself and of life in general right now.

 

Theres no plan or road map to getting through this. You make it up as you go along. I can tell you this. Your not happy now, and unless you start moving, this is where your going to be tomorrow.

TOJAZ

[Aksion]

The thoughts of still wanting to try to reconcile still looms over my head. It's just she seemed so sure of her decision, and she told me she "wasn't backing down" from where she stands as of now. I just feel like instead of not seeing each other and not speaking we should be doing the exact opposite. Maybe it's all just in my head now, as she has never even attempted contact aside from the first week. Maybe you're right, maybe I should try therapy or something..

[PWSX3]

Go to the store & do some shopping. Go into like the cooking or something like that & when a person is looking at something you are just ask them; which one do you think is better? Or ask do you know what this or that would be?

Just bring up anything to ask & question which will start a conversation.

 

Grocery store is good. Go up to someone that is looking at apples & just ask; which ones do you think are good? Then you can ask why & that you like a harder or softer apple & it might last a couple questions or maybe 4-5 but each time builds your confidence.

 

What I did was started taking some classes at a local church. If you find a good church that has classes you will find out very quickly how many divorced people there are out there & you start talking to others that have been thru it at all different stages so it helps to hear there stories & then you start to share yours & it feels very good.

 

I have met some very good friends because of the classes.....

 

There are a couple ways to start talking to people without even knowing them.

[Aksion]

Everytime I seem to start feeling ok, I begin to get those mixed signals in my head again. The why? when? how come? and of course the wtf? I think it hurts more because I don't understand it -- and she never even bothered to tell me. Never told me when she started feeling like this, or anything -- and I know this is what is driving me so crazy. I just want answers, I know I've said it time and time again, but it is all I really want, even though I know it won't happen.

 

Anyhow, I will be getting out tomorrow evening for a change. My restaraunt holds a big halloween party every year and my best friend is dragging me to it. I don't know how sociable I will be, or can be for that matter. I can't really talk to anybody, even more so women. Good costume idea though -- my friend is going as white Michael Jackson (he's a black man) and I'm going as black Michael Jackson (I'm a white man). Lol, should be amusing to say the least.

[tojaz]

Ak, you have to realize that the answers will not change anything. Knowing why dosen't help all that much. I'm in the same boat, all I got was that i would never understand. Like it wasn't worth explaining to someone as low as me. I hunted, asked everyone i knew if i was good to her, had done the right things, if i was a good husband. Fact of the matter is, she may not even know the whys or hows. I don't think mine does. Your supposed to be living this life for you, not for her now, why she left dosen't really matter, she still left. I know it hurts to think about it like that, it still does for me too, but the questions and the quest for answers just pull you deeper into that hole.

TOJAZ

[Aksion]

Been another long sleepless night, been a little over a month of this, can't take too much more. Haven't slept in the bedroom since she left, home feels like hell on good days...bad days I tend to not remember.

 

Not why I'm posting though.

 

Got a text from my mom last night telling me she put the Halloween pictures she took on her myspace. Naturally I go take a look and notice an album called "tagged photos". This album is a direct link to my wife's page. She still has tons of pictures up there with her and my mom/sisters, and even some of me/her from last Halloween with the caption "husband and I! Don't we look hot?!". What the hell? She took down all the pictures of just me but leaves some? She deleted myself/family as friends but keeps the photos up? When she left she did take all of our photo albums as well. I can't wrap my head around this one. Every action she has made and everything she has said has made it quite clear that she doesn't want to be together anymore, I get that. Then why? I thought about looking directly at her myspace, but I didn't let myself -- I don't wanna go down that route again.

 

So here I am again, looking for answers to a brand new ****ing set of questions. I should just talk with her...**** it would be so much easier if she'd just speak directly to me and not do this ****.

[tojaz]

Ak, this is why i suggest to everybody that they read threads when they first come here. Because it happens the same for most people. Shes playing a game. She knows your going to look, that your going to analyze, and that your going to ask the questions, so she puts the clues out there for you to find. I wish I knew why, but they all seem to do it, play with our hearts.

TOJAZ

[Aksion]

I have read many many threads trying to find answers if not to help them but to help myself.

 

What the hell am I supposed to do? Our life is scattered everywhere for me to see. I don't go searching for her or anything to do with her, she is everywhere. I know everyone advocates NC as she did the leaving, but it seems at times she wants me to contact her..

[tojaz]

That may very well be the case, but you have to ask yourself why! Is it for the reasons you want her to have or is it so she can have the opportunity to throw another emotional jab your way? It's easy to be suckered into that time and again, my threads are full of them. Truth is, make her ask! If shes of like mind with you, she will tell you, if shes not ready to be clear on what she wants, then your probably not going to like the answer and are better of staying NC.

TOJAZ