2.50 a gallon Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 FL98 Prior to my marriage I used to take nude / glamour / boudoir photos. The deal was they bought the film, I put it in my camera and after the shot, returned them the film to develop. Usually within a week or two they would return with the shots, and we would spend some time admiring out work. In almost ever case they would be kind enough to leave me a shot or two for my collection. Some to add to my portfolio for the next lady who might be so inclined. And the rest I threw in a large box. In the back of my mind, as I got older, it would be a reminder of some of the beautiful women that I had known in my past. When the XW & I married and moved cross country, I had to leave a lot of junk behind in storage. A couple of months after we got married my parents went on a vacation in our area and brought some of my stuff in the camper. My dad, accidently opened said box, and took it upon himself to trash its contents and the portfolio, a newly married man did no need such reminders of his bachelor days. BIG LOSS However he did set aside an album of shots of my then my wife I had taken prior to our marriage. When I kicked her out, she got most of the wedding photos, (I never did understand why she wanted the blow ups of us of the you may kiss your bride photo and us shoving cake in each other mouths.) It was a dozen years later that I discovered the album of my pre-marriage photos. The anger was gone, and I am not glad he did. For her graduation from college she had a special gown sown up for her graduation ball. We burned two rolls of film on the that gown. She was definitely the queen of the ball, and I did not mind that she spend some time dancing with her fellow male students and I danced with some of her girl friends. We spent most of the evening dancing with each other. The hate for her has cooled to inderfence, and now these shots are pleasant memories. A reminder of the night that my date was the belle of the ball in her new gown and she was mine. Just a little something to raise the heart rate in my old age.
Author Aksion Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I actually just went through her closet this morning, removing odds and ends that were no longer needed. Ran into a bunch of junk she'd never come back for, tossed it all out, and found a bag that was a bit heavy. Opened it up, and it was every card either one of us ever gave to each other. I through it out as it brought me to my knees, then came on here and read your post Gallon. I'm now heading back out to the dumpster in my apartment complex to dig that bag out..I wanna hold onto that bag for a while at least..
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I actually just went through her closet this morning, removing odds and ends that were no longer needed. Ran into a bunch of junk she'd never come back for, tossed it all out, and found a bag that was a bit heavy. Opened it up, and it was every card either one of us ever gave to each other. I through it out as it brought me to my knees, then came on here and read your post Gallon. I'm now heading back out to the dumpster in my apartment complex to dig that bag out..I wanna hold onto that bag for a while at least.. I packed all that kind of stuff up in one box. When she removed her 40 boxes of personal items, one of them was marked "albums, photos, frames". The boxes are all in a storage house now. When she opens it up when she moves into her apt. she will find the box of all of "our" 16 years together. There were scrapbooks, there was a bag full of matchbooks from every place we visited when we were dating, little sweet gifts I gave her, etc. I'd love to see her reaction THAT day. Anyway, I am still in a place where I want nothing like that around me. However, I am taking what 2.50 and others have said. I may ask for a few things like that to give to someone to hold on to for me in case one day I want it. PEACE!
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm not saying you have to keep them up on the wall or around the house. Keep them in a box in the basement & then when you are feeling strong go down & pull them out, look at them and remember the good times & grieve what you had, not what could have been. Then you put them away until you need to grieve that part of your life again. Like Tojaz said; our spouses were a big part of our lives at one point & that will never go away so we just need to grieve what we had and that's it. Not what could have been or any of the what if's but just that time. I hear you PWSX3 - For now, I just want the memories in my head. And at times I don't even want those. Nevertheless, wise words spoken by you - I'll examine your point of view and might do what you did.
tojaz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I hear you PWSX3 - For now, I just want the memories in my head. And at times I don't even want those. Nevertheless, wise words spoken by you - I'll examine your point of view and might do what you did. I think you and AK would both thank yourself in the long run. I have a box full of memories I keep stashed away. It holds every photo, every card, hell even every yellowed folded up note we passed in highschool even before we were dating. Love notes and poems all written just for me. It hurts like hell seeing that box and even more to open it, but I still do on occasion. Not so much to torture myself, which is pretty much what I'm doing, but to keep the memories fresh. The decision i made is that while I want to heal, I never want to forget her, and 10 20 50 years down the road, I will still have the best of her stashed away in that box, even if that part is no longer with her in the present. TOJAZ
Author Aksion Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Ya know -- I spoke with my younger sister today. She was with her Ex-Bf for almost as long as my wife and I were together before they split. She told me that she hung on to the notes/poems/cards that they shared for well over a year before she was able to let go. And when she did? She took them outside into my parents pit in their backyard and burned every single one of them. I'm not sure I could do that -- maybe I can one day, but she sorta showed me that I can hopefully one day be ok again.
tojaz Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Your going to be ok AK. This is a long road to travel and I think we all have been were you are now. At least I know I was. This place saved my A$$. Keep learning, keep posting, and most of all keep moving forward. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you need to keep moving if your ever going to find it and there are plenty of people here willing to show you the way. TOJAZ
Author Aksion Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 I'm so messed up again it just isn't fair. I've been working out twice as much as I used to (and thats a lot as I already worked out around 12-14 hours a week). I don't 'go out' because I don't know where to go. I've fallen pretty hard on my best friend who I really haven't spent much time with since my wife and I got together. I feel bad at times, but he and his family are always there for me -- as is my family. The sad part is, I don't really want to be around any of them. I spend much of my time actually just walking around the city late at night/early in the morning shaking off the alcohol I've drank after working out. I'm tired of people telling me to 'move on'. I'm tired of people telling me that I'll 'be ok' -- or that 'its for the best'. Really? So this mind-fu ck I'm going through right now is for the best? I wish someone would enlighten me as to how. I'm going for a walk...
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) I'm tired of people telling me to 'move on'. I'm tired of people telling me that I'll 'be ok' -- or that 'its for the best'. Really? So this mind-fu ck I'm going through right now is for the best? I wish someone would enlighten me as to how. I'm going for a walk... Aks - Though it is probably true that it will get better, you'll be ok, ... That is not what is important now. You need to get better. Drinking yourself to a stupor, wandering aimlessly all over town all night, those things seem counterintuitive to getting you better. I've asked you if you have family you can go stay with. sOme kind of support system. A church? My family support system (and LS!) is what saved me. I eventually got to where I HAD to move forward (NOT move on!!!) - I had to tell myself that no matter how badly I wanted it all back I had to assume it would never happen and I had to plan life without her. IDK, maybe I am stronger than I think. I feel like the weakest person in the world! But I think we all all that bit of strength to start the ball rolling to recovery from this heartbreak. I still ACHE terribly every day because of this. I feel like this is a dream, a nightmare, that I am not awake (or even alive!). MY W would never do this - not MY W!! Hell no. I would give up every and any thing to go back in time to when we were good (and it wasn't that long ago) - but it won't happen. This "mind F*CK" as you say is NOT for the best but you have no control over it. When my W destroyed the wonderful life I thought I had - it was not for the best. I've just had to tell myself that YES, something good is in my future, maybe not soon, but it will come. Maybe a new love that will appreciate a good man and will truly love me - thru better and thru worse. Our prayers are with you. PEACE! Edited November 5, 2009 by FeelingLonely98
tojaz Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I'm tired of people telling me to 'move on'. I'm tired of people telling me that I'll 'be ok' -- or that 'its for the best'. Really? So this mind-fu ck I'm going through right now is for the best? I wish someone would enlighten me as to how. I'm going for a walk... Is it for the best?? I don't know. Wish i could tell you. Are you going to be OK, I don't know that either. All I can tell you is that those are decisions that you get to make. The hell your going through can be good for you in the long run if you let it. A time to look at yourself, learn about yourself and what may have gone wrong in your marriage. This is going to hurt like hell, and it lasts for awhile, but you can learn from it, you can own it, or you can let it own you. Your call! TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Hey Ak, I know how you feel, everyone told me the same thing in the beginning....let go, move on...you'll get over it....even my own 14 year old son took this better than I did. I went through this anger stage too, couldn't make sense of it, sincere and wanted to work it out one minute and hating him the next....it's normal. But now you really need to sit down and make sense of it all. Take it apart, examine it...you want her back, but what are you really going to get? It's ok to get mad about it, but you have to pull it together beccause all you are doing is making her feel better about what she has done to you. Don't give her that, she doesn't deserve it. I made these same mistakes, cried my eyes out to him and all it got me was a nice slap of reality in my face when he pulled his new girlfriend out one month after he left. Make yourself better for yourself so you can be better for the right one that comes along.....it will happen eventually.
trippi1432 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Ya know -- I spoke with my younger sister today. She was with her Ex-Bf for almost as long as my wife and I were together before they split. She told me that she hung on to the notes/poems/cards that they shared for well over a year before she was able to let go. And when she did? She took them outside into my parents pit in their backyard and burned every single one of them. I'm not sure I could do that -- maybe I can one day, but she sorta showed me that I can hopefully one day be ok again. When my first ex left, he left behind a few clothes and stuff. I held onto them for about 3 months and then I took them to a burn barrel and burned them. It felt good because he had just asked me if he could come back knowing that he had a "knocked-up" girlfriend and was running from her. So far, I have removed all pictures of ex, son has a few of them in his room. I am taking the wedding gown to Goodwill this weekend and am going through the wedding album to keep the pics I want and giving the rest to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. It's whatever makes you feel better, but love may have died....the person didn't. Hanging onto to stuff for too long defeats healing. But you can only do it when you are ready.
Author Aksion Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Slept 2 hours. I'm tired of waking up alone -- Tired of seeing her in my dreams when I do sleep and waking to this nightmare. I'm tired of needing to cry, but not being able to. I'm tired of fighting this battle to keep my sanity -- I'm not winning. I'm just tired...
soheartbroken Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I'm tired of all those things too. You keep your sanity by talking here, and hopefully to a counselor, and by staying functional - going to work, going for walks, taking public transportation, running errands, spending time in the real world. Walking aimlessly around town is not a bad thing. The drinking is. Aksion - I really feel for you. I have also questioned my sanity. I think the fact that you're posting is a good sign. A trained professional could probably alleviate some of your fears. I also think it's normal to feel like you're going a bit mad, because your world has turned upside down.
tojaz Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Slept 2 hours. I'm tired of waking up alone -- Tired of seeing her in my dreams when I do sleep and waking to this nightmare. I'm tired of needing to cry, but not being able to. I'm tired of fighting this battle to keep my sanity -- I'm not winning. I'm just tired... It takes time Ak, thats really all I can tell you, I had some epic meltdowns and drank way more then I should have. I felt all that you feel now. Its here on LS for the world to see. It's unhealthy, the wrong way to cope, ...and we all do it! I know your tired, but you are winning! Everyday you find the strength to come here and vent is doing something to help you. I would seriousloy consider counseling, it has helped me a great deal. SHB gives good advice below. When she first came here, she was pretty low, even felt hopeless at times. She has come very far, now shes giving advice to others while coping with her own hurt. She didn't think shed get there but she did, and so will you AK, one day at a time. I'm tired of all those things too. You keep your sanity by talking here, and hopefully to a counselor, and by staying functional - going to work, going for walks, taking public transportation, running errands, spending time in the real world. Walking aimlessly around town is not a bad thing. The drinking is. Aksion - I really feel for you. I have also questioned my sanity. I think the fact that you're posting is a good sign. A trained professional could probably alleviate some of your fears. I also think it's normal to feel like you're going a bit mad, because your world has turned upside down. Great to see you giving advice SHB! Your a lot farther along then you give yourself credit for. Anytime you don't believe that, go back and read some of your early posts. You'll see. YOU GO GIRL!!! TOJAZ
Author Aksion Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I lay here again. Another night alone in the dark. My eyes won't shut, yet they don't tear up. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I hate myself, my life, everything about me. I've tried so hard, I really have. I'm just slowly dying, hoping I go with no interruptions.
JaneDoe35 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I lay here again. Another night alone in the dark. My eyes won't shut, yet they don't tear up. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I hate myself, my life, everything about me. I've tried so hard, I really have. I'm just slowly dying, hoping I go with no interruptions. Aksion, do you really WANT to die? If not then you have to do a couple of small things. Go to your GP, tell him/her what has happened and that you are feeling that you cannot cope at all. They will hopefully prescribe some medication for you and refer you for counselling. Now I know this will not solve all your problems and make the pain go away but it may help bring you back from the brink. Then you will have to follow through with whatever your doctor suggests. I really hope you will consider cutting back a little on the alcohol too. I am very bossy - sorry.
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