sfveggie Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 my husband of 12 years going to divorce me (california). i lose my insurance and the house we bought 10 years ago. he will force a sale and i can't afford it on my own. even with roommates and excellent credit, i won't be approved to take over the loan in this market. we're not upside down, in fact, we only owe 165k on a house worth over 550k but i still won't be able to get him off the loan and re-fi. says he still loves me and wants to be friends but needs to be free of all responsibility and not need to compromise or be there for anyone. just wants to be alone, live alone, be a reclusive work-a-holic. he hasn't slept in the same bed with me in 12 years. he needs his own sleeping space. he's practically living at the office now, coming home at 2am to sleep. yes, i know for certain he doesn't have a lover. i wish he did. no kids, thank goodness. my husband doesn't give a crap if i'm left without medical insurance and he expects me to split the house 50/50, lose my medical, and not ask for alimony. i make 30k as a sub teacher (unbenefitted, no real jobs lately with the economy in tatters). he makes 130k as a software engineer...advice !?!?
carhill Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 advice !?!? Lawyer much? Seriously, and I'm going through a relatively amicable divorce right now, your H isn't being anywhere near fair. I helped my stbx buy a house, rehabbed it and moved her in. She kept her business and I kept mine. We worked through the rest of the financial stuff fairly. We've been married over nine years now. No lawyers yet, though I have one on retainer for other matters. Get legal advice. Also, get a referral to a MC and keep that as an option. MC sure helped us have a better perspective on the divorce, even though we were there to save the M. Worth every nickel. I'm sorry you've been so lonely. That sucks. It'll all work out
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I agree with carhill, get some legal advice as to your options. If he wants a "sweet" divorce, he sure isn't going about it very sweetly. TOJAZ
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I agree with carhill, get some legal advice as to your options. If he wants a "sweet" divorce, he sure isn't going about it very sweetly. TOJAZ Yes, make sure it is fair for you sfv. If that is what you want. My 47 yr old STBXW left me (and a great M) for an 18 tr old boy and now she wants nothing out of the D but her "freedom" and her personal belongings. She has no savings or cash, lots of debt, and no skills so she just started a menial 29K/yr. clerical job. So, I don't think I am being unfair with her when she gets no alimony, no splitting of assets, no making me take 1/2 of her debts ... Because she didn't want anything. But in your case what is being donme is NOT fair. Protect yourself SFV.
trippi1432 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Honey, take him to the cleaners....what a putz. Sorry, in anger mood tonight. Seriously, don't let him get over on you. I've noticed something since coming to this forum....what is the deal about the recession and the divorce rate....do people really think that the economy is so bad that bailing on their wives and husbands is going to fix anything?
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Well, the big D sure hasn't helped my financial situation. Runnin broke, Lost 60 lbs and cant even afford a damn belt LOL I don't hink shes fairing much better. TOJAZ
delajoonal Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 sfv... hi there...so sorry you are going thru this..its painful and unfair. but lets make sure you get the legals done.. in california, i am also in california SFBA, the laws provide for you to recieve the SAME medical you have been getting, meaning, your H, because he makes the largest salary, will be responsible for your COBRA payment for a minimum of 3.5 years, this ONLY is if his company has more than 20 employees? also, CA is a 50/50 state....so start sticking post its on the stuff you want now... or ask him, since he wants to live a 'nomad' life, if he even really cares about furniture etc...because it would save time in court or even in mediation, if you settled the SMALL personal properties on your own... my H wanted NOTHING only his car...so that is what he got.and we still have a long day in court, meaing many days, BUT, we got the personal propery out of the way first, cause that can take the longest and be very tedious. as for your house...OUCH!...CA is the highest in the country..and to owe less than 1/3...maybe the banks or courts can work something out??? don't give up or throw in the towel yet..OK. you also have alimony coming to you. so please please, get an attorney... if you live in the SFBA, i can recommend a FABULOUS one;) again, i am so sorry this is happening to you... please keep us posted and even if you just need to vent yell and call him names...we are all here and going thru it too..so we GET IT;) good luck sfv...and take care
Author sfveggie Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 thanks everyone. i read on some california divorce site that the STBXH is *not* responsible for spousal medical, only for any children, which we don't have. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH !!! i wanna keep my house. damn him. to add insult to injury, i married him (we were good friends) so he could become a resident and a citizen. so we never really had a "fall in love and live happily ever after" marriage but we did grow to be lovers...he's a citizen now... if i am forced to sell the house because i can't take over payments/loan on my own, i will end up having to leave the SF bay area (beaches) and move to someplace far cheaper (lower paying jobs, higher unemployment, etc...) if i ever want to own property again. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH !!! can i get alimony based on the fact that i haven't slept in the same bed with a guy for 12 years !?!?!?!?!?!
Gunny376 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I'm not a big fan of CA's divorce laws, (especially their alimony laws) With that said? I would say "Forget Him" and get a lawyer,and take him to court. carhill did the right thing, I did the right and fair thing. (More than right! I walked out of a twelve year marriage with the clothes on my back!) At the very least he should make sure you have heath insurance, a roof of some kind over your head, a means of transportation to get to the job to support yourself. He did it when you were married ~ he should do it afterwards. And coming fromme? That's a Hugh statement!
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) also, CA is a 50/50 state....so start sticking post its on the stuff you want now... or ask him, since he wants to live a 'nomad' life, if he even really cares about furniture etc...because it would save time in court or even in mediation, if you settled the SMALL personal properties on your own... my H wanted NOTHING only his car...so that is what he got.and we still have a long day in court, ... WOW - Thank God I live if Fla. Since the STBXW wants nothing but her personal effects (clothing, toiletries, books, ... ETC.) and wants no alomony - we just downloaded the forms form the State website, filled them out and will take them to the courthouse this week. Then just wait the big day for the judge to say "Granted"! Now, I am not going to insist the STBXW takes 1/2 of everything and leave me 1/2 of her debts and ask her what she would like to have alimony wise, ... no after what SHE did to ME. If she had any dignity / respect / kindness in how she did this or if she really tried to see if we could work this out (she didn't, not even for one minute) then I would feel differently. For now I need to get the D done before her A ends and she falls off cloud9 and starts thinking with clarity. (I need to protect myself and my sons - I've been hurt enough!) (I've already been told here on LS that I have one of the worst situations described.) P.S. (to Gunny) --> No matter she did to me I will make sure the STBXW has Health Insurance until hers kicks in at ther new job that she just started a few months ago. Edited October 25, 2009 by FeelingLonely98
delajoonal Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 thanks everyone. i read on some california divorce site that the STBXH is *not* responsible for spousal medical, only for any children, which we don't have. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH !!! i wanna keep my house. damn him. to add insult to injury, i married him (we were good friends) so he could become a resident and a citizen. so we never really had a "fall in love and live happily ever after" marriage but we did grow to be lovers...he's a citizen now... if i am forced to sell the house because i can't take over payments/loan on my own, i will end up having to leave the SF bay area (beaches) and move to someplace far cheaper (lower paying jobs, higher unemployment, etc...) if i ever want to own property again. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH !!! can i get alimony based on the fact that i haven't slept in the same bed with a guy for 12 years !?!?!?!?!?! sfveggie... ok, not sure where you read this..but from my OWN experience... here it is..i will also list a link to a website with ALL the current CA laws... -long term marriage over 1o years, can get alimony if spouse makes significantly more than you -also can recieve spousal support for up to life or he retires -medical, if your husband works for a company that has more than 20 employees, your husband AND his company are responsible for your medical for a minimum of 3.5 years...and that is your CURRENT medical too. - you do NOT need to tell anyone you slept in different rooms etc... please get yourself some legal representaion...ALSO, YOU AND YOUR Lawyer can make your spouse PAY for the lawyer...no kidding...some wiill want a small retainer...anywhere from 300 to 3000....find it get it....the rest will be up to your H to pay.... YOU have many rights and Gunny is right too..you deserve a roof over your head, medical, a car to get to your job...and more...after 12 years of marriage, in california..that is HUGE! check out this link...there are a ton more.. but i am telling you from experience...you are entitled to ALOT More than you think..just get that attorney!!! http://www.divorcenet.com/states/california/cafaq07
Gunny376 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I know such states as CA award lifetime alimony ~ which to me is just not right. And should vary from case to case depending upon the individual circumstances. What I mostly oppose are these "blanket ~ one size fits all" statues, that say if you've been married ten years or more the wifey gets XY and Z. I'm all about rehabilitative alimony for a limited amount of time. Going from being a single SAHM to being divorce is a big adjustment for anyone. Every marriage, relationship, and divorce is unique. Just as the individuals that make up such are. And it should be handled accordingly. To pass laws, and make statutory law based upon one individual divorce case, and then use it to cast a blanket on any and all marriages/divorces is just wrong. Case in point. In the original case that lead to wives getting half of the husbands military retirement after having been married for ten years? It involved a Marine full bird Colonel who had been married to the same woman for the thirty years in the Corps. As military officers move up in rank, their wives are expected to play an increasing social role such as participating in and volunteering for the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society, doing charitable work, joining the Commissioned Officers Wives Club ~ basically the whole Country Club social circuit. Additionally most of these women have college degrees, in the original case, the wife had an MBA, but couldn't jump start a business career because they got transferred every three or four years to a new base. Long story short, they did thirty years in the Corps, retire. The Colonel comes home and tells the wife its over, that he's leaving her for another ~ much younger woman. Here she is 48 + no retirement, no 401K, no IRA, no career, no job, no medical, no dental. Zilch, nothing, nadda. In short she scarificed the potential of what could have been her life ~ for the sake of his career. They took that one case, turned it into a "blanket coverage" and said that if you've been married to some smuck in the military retirement, plus commissary, PX, medical and dental priviledges for life. I've actually meet more than one woman that have turned this into a business. They married one smuck from one branch of service after another. Stay married to them for ten + years. And are getting half of their military retirement from each and every one. Navy ~ Check! Marines ~ Check! Army ~ Check Air Force ~ Check! They learned quick to! Next time marry up the rank structure.
Author sfveggie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 wow!!! awesome info everyone. keep the advice/encouragement coming. xo
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