deathdhar Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Hi All, My gf and I had been seeing each other for a while and everything was going great. A year ago, she left to go study abroad for the year and so we committed to staying together through the long distance relationship. Things were fine for the first 4 months, but being so far away, it became hard to put in the extra energy and effort needed to keep things going strong. My gf thought we should take a break, and so we did after the 5th month. Though we were on break, we still cared for each other deeply and talked amicably. During this time, however, she met a (local) guy and started to develop feelings for him; telling me she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. They began spending more and more time together and began seeing each other. I was obviously heartbroken to learn this, but wanted her to be happy and accepted that she was free to explore her heart and feelings. After being with him for 2-3 months, however, she began to realize that it wasn't right for her and so she ended things with him 2 months before she came back home. She told me she realized he wasn't right for her, that she had ended things, but that she didnt' expect anything from me and didn't want to come crying back because it wouldn't be fair to me (which I felt was very mature of her). She finally came home 2 months ago, and since then we have been inseparable and have gotten back together. Everything has been great, except that I found out while she was with the other guy, they did get intimate and physical. I know we were not together, and that she was free to explore her heart and do what she pleased, but the thought of her being with another man hurts incredibly. It hurts greatly to think that she was able to reach that level with someone else after me; especially when I thought of only her the whole time. What can I do to get over these feelings? I care for her very much and want to get over what happened. Thanks for your advice and help!
TheLoneSock Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 That 'level' you're talking about isn't that hard to reach. Her having sex with him isn't that big of a deal. She didn't love him, didn't have feelings for him in that way. She's human, she probably just needed physical connection. Bottom line is she's back with you and was probably thinking of you the whole time she was gone and with him. She's made good steps to come back to you, you need to make good steps to get over her brief intimacy with another guy. Furthermore, if she knows this bothers you, it shows her your insecurity, which is unattractive. Nip it in the butt asap or it will grow on you like a cancer. You have to get over it.
sfveggie Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 how old are you? by the time you are my age, late 40s, nearly every woman/girl you meet and love will have had at least a dozen (maybe 100) lovers. get over it. sex is just sex. love is a whole other level.
mundane mind Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 just like what everybody said, get over it. it is normal for couples to have sex and they were a couple at that time so... it was your choice to not be with somebody else, hence not have sex with somebody else while you guys were on a break so don't take it against her if she did past is past. focus on making the relationship that you have now grow. you have a lot of catching up to do...
boldjack Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Unlike the other posters, I won't advise you to "get over it". I advise you to get over it, IF YOU CAN. If you can't get over it, end it or take another break and have some fun, yourself. Obviously, you were more involved in the relationship, than she was, and your pride is hurt. Instead of stressing, and appearing insecure, tell her that you need some time to evaluate your relationship, in light of this information, and think that dating other people would be a good way to see if you are meant to be together. Don't be cruel, but also don't be weak, Stand up for yourself, nobody else will. BTW, OP you deserve better than to be some woman's second choice.
Limbo21 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) I totally agree with BoldJack. I took my partner back after splitting for 8 weeks where she had been intimate with another cos I was in love. Over time that close connection I felt started to erode ever so slowly, "how could she be with another so soon" were my thoughts. Yes life is life and it's human to detach lust and love but like boldjack says the only persons opinion that matters is yours and you may find that bond, that connection you have with her may start to fizzle away until your left with a little jealousy. My post when I got back with her was identical to yours and to the other posters about maturity and getting real but like I say over time I felt that intimacy become less about us and more about sex Still love conquers all so don't let this stop you from being with the girl of your dreams Edited October 25, 2009 by Limbo21 Bloody iPhone
yic Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I was in a similar situation three months back. Thoughts of his ex literally consumed my mind; it made me upset, jealous, and insecure. But I would advise you not to do anything rash, these feelings will lessen over time. It helped that my boyfriend was aware of my feelings, and was especially reassuring, understanding, and patient. We create special bonds with other people through our hearts and minds, not with our bodies. I would say 2-3 months isn't enough time to create that type of bond, especially if she chose you over him. It's important to realize what she tells you should take precedence over what you feel. If she tells you she loves you, and no longer has any feelings for him, you have to trust her words over your feelings (especially if you want to make it work). I could go more into detail, but I hope this is enough and it helps. Best of luck.
Author deathdhar Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 thanks for all your advice. yic, if you would be comfortable, could you go into more detail about how you were able to overcome those thoughts?
Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 It's completely possible to forgive her. However, I don't believe it would be worth the effort. I have the impression that she initiated the break up because she was already cheating on you. She would not have broken up with you otherwise. You are too early in this relationship to deal with this. I am just like you. I forgave....I trusted she would not do it again. Friends and family members suggested that I dump her.....'she will do it again'. But, my own lack of self esteem made me stay. She REALLY showed that she loved me. Then, several years later she had another ONS. But now, we were together for so long, I justified forgiving her because she was drinking. Again, my brother said.....SHe will do it again, and it will be worse next time. Didn't listen.... Years later, she just had a 6 month affair. Blowing a man, 15 years older than her every week....IN A PUBLIC PARK. I AM STILL WITH HER AND IT HAS BEEN THE WORST TORTURE YOU CAN IMAGINE! IT HAS BEEN 2 YEARS AND I THINK ABOUT IT FOR HOURS A DAY.....and that is with therapy. Save yourself buddy.....leave her. Date, have fun, and settle with a faithful woman.
Phateless Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Hi All, My gf and I had been seeing each other for a while and everything was going great. A year ago, she left to go study abroad for the year and so we committed to staying together through the long distance relationship. Things were fine for the first 4 months, but being so far away, it became hard to put in the extra energy and effort needed to keep things going strong. My gf thought we should take a break, and so we did after the 5th month. Though we were on break, we still cared for each other deeply and talked amicably. During this time, however, she met a (local) guy and started to develop feelings for him; telling me she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. They began spending more and more time together and began seeing each other. I was obviously heartbroken to learn this, but wanted her to be happy and accepted that she was free to explore her heart and feelings. After being with him for 2-3 months, however, she began to realize that it wasn't right for her and so she ended things with him 2 months before she came back home. She told me she realized he wasn't right for her, that she had ended things, but that she didnt' expect anything from me and didn't want to come crying back because it wouldn't be fair to me (which I felt was very mature of her). She finally came home 2 months ago, and since then we have been inseparable and have gotten back together. Everything has been great, except that I found out while she was with the other guy, they did get intimate and physical. I know we were not together, and that she was free to explore her heart and do what she pleased, but the thought of her being with another man hurts incredibly. It hurts greatly to think that she was able to reach that level with someone else after me; especially when I thought of only her the whole time. What can I do to get over these feelings? I care for her very much and want to get over what happened. Thanks for your advice and help! You just have to come to terms with the fact that the other guy has nothing to do with you. She's still the same girl and she did show maturity when coming back. Just take it slow and give yourself time to get used to the idea.
bluestraps Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Just get over it and quick . My ex cheated four times in the past and I had to really push myself and forget it.before we split just now . If you are happy about geeting back togther do you self a favor just get back in there and do everything you can to keep her with you .Once you do this you will get over it faster, and start enjoying it .
Printer Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 You are so lucky to have her back in your arms. Try not to dwell in the past, what's happened has happened, it can't be changed. Look forward to the good times ahead for you both and make that your priority. Good luck to you and enjoy life!
WiseOne1 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm going to tell you the pure truth unlike all the other posters. She went and explored, she found out things weren't so great on the other side "the grass wasn't greener" most likely the guy acted like a gentlemen until he got what he wanted which was "sex" and then he started to show his true colors. She then came back to you because your are familiar to her, so therefore in the end it's up to you to take her back, theres nothing wrong with wanting other people's thoughts on the sistuation, just make sure you can put it behind you for good...because if you can't it will end the relationship. She knew the risk and decided to take them, and now it's if you can find it in your heart to forget about it.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 The poster who mentioned the "grass is greener" analogy is correct, and that's exactly what happened. But I'm pretty sure you're not trying to explore why she came back, or whether or not things will work out... what you're looking to know is HOW to get over the thoughts of your girlfriend being with someone else. First things first: you cannot fixate on this other guy. If you're asking for details about your girlfriend's fling, you might be trying to picture in your mind... thinking this will help you get past it. It won't. In fact, it might make things worse for you. The less she tells you the better, and the less you bring it up, the happier you'll be. Still, you're going to feel some measure of pain at the fact that someone else "had" your girlfriend. To get over this, I want you to do something a little different. Close your eyes, and picture all the girls you've been with. Remember each of them in your mind. Count them up... and try to sum up all the fun you had with them, both in bed and out. Now take all that experience and compare it against your ex's 2 month fling. In retrospect, her experience with this guy means nothing. Just as all the girls you've been with mean nothing now as well. These are just two separate paths that the two of you took, that brought you to the point where you're at right now. Instead of fixating on this one little rebound relationship she had with this guy, look at the sum of everything each of you has done. The fact that you're together now should be the only thing that matters. Let bygones by bygones, and forget about what happened. The future is important, not the past.
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