MightyQuinn Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I have lived with and loved a man for the past 8 years. It has been up and down. And up and down. But we've always stuck it out and vowed to try harder for the other person. To make changes in the way we treat and address each other. To work on building up our relationship after we've spent so much time destroying it. Over the course of the summer and into the fall, we've done a terrible job, we've barely done anything together and for part of the summer, he was sleeping in a separate room. But we love each other, so we promise to work on it. A month and a half ago, we had a huge fight that started over nothing and escalated to the point we were discussing separate living arrangements. He said some things and I said some things. At the end of the night, we had reconciled to a point. But some of the things he said and did would not leave my mind. He was so angry and said such terrible things. I've been thinking more and more that we are incompatible, that we don't have much in common anymore, and we can't have a conversation without arguing. As our relationship has dragged on, he has acted more and more like a bachelor. Hanging out with the guys, watching football all the time, fantasy football rules his life, video games, golfing. And though I've tried to take an interest in his hobbies, he refuses to take an interest in mine (photography, hiking, biking). He can't be in the same room with a TV show he doesn't like and even if its my favorite song, he will change the station. And whether or not we can make a date to go out has to be run through his calendar first, even though we live together. Last week, it weighed so heavy on my mind I burst into tears when he asked me why I looked sad, then said "OH, WTF is your malfunction now?" I explained how abysmally unhappy I've been, how we are more like roommates with benefits than a loving couple, how we aren't married, we don't have a house, even though we've been talking about both of them for 5 years. "I am almost 30 years old and am no where near the place I expected us to be by now." We BOTH expressed how unhappy we were, we agreed we don't spend enough time together, we agreed we don't seem to have much in common. He accused me of giving up on the relationship and I said "No, I'm here talking with you instead of packing my stuff, aren't I?" Again.... We made up, to a point. With promises again to spend more time with each other, to find more things to talk about and more things to do together. In the week and a half since we had this conversation, I've seen him maybe 4 hours (remember we live together). He's played golf and watched football and gone out to drink with his buddies, gone to work and takes lots of naps. I've tried to be patient, but I've brought up to him three times that we agreed to spend more time together and we haven't done one thing (not so much as watched a movie or had a meal together), and he gets angry. Finally today he again asked me why I am so sad. Much more calmly, I sat down and reminded him about the "very serious nature" of our conversations lately. I repeated to him that we had both agreed we were unhappy and that we had both agreed to make an attempt at salvaging our relationship. I told him I don't think he's taking it seriously. He said he is, yet its Saturday night and he has made plans to hang out with the guys and watch Ultimate Fighting instead. This is a final push and I don't think he gets it. We need to come up with some sort of relationship soon, or this living arrangement isn't going to last much longer. I love him, yet I feel I am falling out of love with him. And he could be doing something to stop this, and I'm telling him how to do it, and he still seems to be missing it. But because this relationship at one time had promise and we've been together 8 years, I'm trying so hard not to make a rash decision that I'll regret down the line. At the same time, I'm cleaning out the closets and seperating our stuff. I don't think he noticed that, either. Any advice? How to be patient? How to kick him in the pants? Other people with similar long-term experiences and how to best handle them? I'm so lost and so sad. I want him to care, to have a say in how our relationship goes from this point on. I just don't know how to wake him up.
GrayClouds Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 You said you dont think he is taking the attempt to rebuild the relationship seriously Is there specific things you want him to do or that he can do to be taking it seriously(for example , have a date night, get married ect)? Have you communicated those things to him? He may be interested in making it better but may he just does not know how. It sounds like you two should seriously go to couple counseling it would be a way for both of you to show your intent.
Author MightyQuinn Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 We can't afford counseling. Money is one of the problems. That's one of the things he could fix. And now I've told him I won't marry him or get a house with him as our relationship stands. Already in a shambles, the worst thing we could do now is entrench the law into it. - I would like him to put priority on his household bills, such as rent, electric, phone. Instead, he spends money on pay-per-view, sports supplies, toys, CDs, DVDs, video games and then says he is short on cash when I ask him for bill money. I pay his part of the bills and he takes forever to pay me back. Then he wonders why we don't have groceries in the fridge. He wonders why I'm on edge and constantly worried about money. If I didn't pay the bills, they wouldn't get paid. - Having a dedicated date night that he prioritizes at least as much as football night or golfing night would be a good place to start. That he actually follows-through with. A few days ago, one of the first times I broached this subject after "the talk," he said "You can have me Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday." Wednesday he wouldn't get out of bed after he layed down for a nap. Thursday the same thing. (He works really early and takes a nap every day for 3-4 hours). Friday, we ran errands together. Not exactly a date. - To put an effort towards finding out more about each other. I've told him I'm tired of sitting at silent dinners, in silent car rides, sitting silently side-by-side on the couch. I need mental stimulation. And I don't feel like I know much about him besides the sports he likes, the food he likes, and what he does for a living. He told me we can't talk about religion, politics, or current events because we'll just end up arguing. In truth, he gets mad when I don't agree with him, we can't talk and disagree and have him not take it personally. I like to talk about these things and have long conversations with friends about them, I can't talk to him. But he isn't putting forth topics that we can talk about, just stuff we can't. And we sit in silence. I don't want that for the rest of my life, so we need to figure out if there are things we can talk about. - To get out of the house with me. He will go out and play golf, he'll go out with his buddies and drink, but he just wants to sit at home with me. I'm good with that most of the time, but I'm tired of telling my friends that he is at home watching TV instead of out at the birthday party or the pot-luck dinner or just meeting friends at the bar. He used to go with me to karaoke and even if he didn't get up and sing, he was there. Now he's a lump. - I cannot describe how much it would mean to me if he quit smoking, a promise he's been making for 5 years (since I quit). Two members of his family are being treated for cancer right now. I would think he was 100% serious if he did this. He is only allowed to smoke in one room and I don't go in there. Nicotine is so important to him he will just stay in there all night so he can smoke as much as he wants. - I'm a writer/photographer and I don't think he's ever read a thing I wrote. Reading something would be a start. - Taking part in maintaining our home. I do laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, dishes, cooking, cleaning up after cooking, etc. I've begged and begged him to clean the downstairs bathroom, which I've now dubbed the "men's room" because I cannot even look in there. I keep the door closed because it stinks. I refuse to clean it, it has been months since it was last cleaned. He leaves this bathroom this way, and yet he says he wants the house to be clean! Spotless! It's important to him! And I say I don't believe him because he won't lift a finger to do it, but he wants me to do it all. I'm not that kind of girl. These are just the things off the top of my head I've been spelling out to him. In some cases its only been a week, in some cases I've been after him for months, in other ways, going on years. I know men communicate differently than women, so I've been clear in my demands. He just simply does not seem to be responding to them. Like he thinks we've been together so long, there is nothing he could do to push me over the edge. Like I'll just be there forever.
sfveggie Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 sorry to say but i think you should separate. move out for a minimum of six months. date him and date others. see what happens... you're in a rut and he's not budging. all talk and no action. you deserve way better.
Author MightyQuinn Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 If I can't get him to realize that this isn't just a "normal" rough patch, moving out is my next step. That will take some time, though, because I have to save up some money to get out. Part of the reason I want to give him some time and a fair chance on this is because I'm not prepared to leave. To his credit, it is my perspective that has changed. Up until about a month and a half ago, I thought that we could overcome anything and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way deep down in there somewhere. Now, I'm just not so sure. If I can't make him understand, he'll wake up when I've finally left the house. That leaves another question of time. I don't know how much time I'm willing to give him, right now I still have hope for the best that some of this is seeping into his head. At the same time, I'm preparing myself for the idea that he may not get it, or he may get it and might just not get out of this rut.
machimoo Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 MightyQuinn, I'm so sorry to hear you're in this horrible situation! I'm writing with support, as I am in a similar situation to you. My partner of 4 years has been slowly distancing himself more and more in the past 6 months, and for the last few weeks he's barely even spoken to me. He's so happy and chatty with everyone else, just not me. If I'm at home, he'll go out or go and work in the garage. Essentially he seems he has given up on the relationship but doesn't have the guts to end things. After trying so hard to get things to a better place for way too long, I have now decided that I am going to move out. I cannot make him treat me better, I cannot tell him to change, to do those little things that would mean so much to me (like reading your work, for example), he has to do them of his own accord...if he wants to. It's a terribly sad decision to have to come to and I feel very alone. I am currently trying to find somewhere new to live and have a few options, but they are not immediate. As much as it hurts and you might not feel able to, but I think it's time for you and I to pull ourselves out of this unhappiness and get what we deserve! Best of luck, MightyQuinn, you have my support!
Author MightyQuinn Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 Sorry you're going through something like this, too. Keep me updated, as I'm not 100% sure on how this is going yet and I don't have anyone to talk to. None of my friends have been in such long-term relationships where they cohabitate. A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend of 11 years, but they never lived together. I think the last conversation may have been the driving force for all of this to sink in for him. He told me last night that he thinks he has realized he's been being a "pretty ****ty boyfriend" and wants to do better for me. Wants to start acting like the guy I met, who did stuff and was fun to be around. I'm not holding my breath, but I promised myself I would give this "last chance" some time. Plus, I still need time to get a deposit and stuff together. Packing up two boxes full of stuff made me feel better while he pulls his head out of the sand. Makes me feel like I'm hoping for the best while still preparing for the worst. If/when I leave, it won't be out of the blue for him, that's for sure.
machimoo Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Hello MightyQuinn! I think packing up a couple of boxes was a really positve, proactive thing to do for yourself, and it has inspired me to do the same! I am currently looking for a new place to live, while still living with my partner - which is not ideal. And it means I am still giving him chances to hurt me by getting my hopes up that he has or will change. Regardless of that, I see now that I must move on by moving out, that's the first step. I completely understand that you want to work things out with your partner, and want to give him one more chance, especially after that seemingly very positive talk with him. I would like to tell you the best piece of advice my friend gave me when my bf and I started having problems about 6 months ago....she said that there is NO PRESSURE to make any decisions or move out straight away or run away or get out or anything like that. It's up to you, and you will know when it's right FOR YOU to do something. So that's what I've been doing for the past 6 months, giving him chances, trying to work things out, working on myself and my own feelings, because I was not ready. And every time I felt panicked because I was really hurt and people were telling me to leave him, I would confidently say, "I'm not ready yet". But now I know, now I am too hurt to stay, I know it's not good for me to stay anymore, so as much pain as it causes me and how sad it makes me, I am going to leave. Difficult situation is that we live in a small town, work together and have the same friends. That will be very difficult to deal with and very hard for me as I am very sensitive and can be emotional.....time will heal. (can you see I'm feeling very positive at the moment!) Let me know how it goes MightyQuinn, keep me in touch, because it is comforting to be able to communicate with someone who doesn't know him as well, so I don't have to guard what I say because I don't want to put them in an awkward position!
Author MightyQuinn Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 machimoo, how is it going? Hope you are doing okay. No big changes over in my neck of the woods, except we did have a decent date night last night (his idea, surprisingly). Tonight we have two Halloween parties to go to and I'm pretty sure it is going to be a test of the peace. Still sticking in there and hoping for the best, though preparing myself for if the worst happens.
mem11363 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 This is not a communication problem. He fully understands what you want. This is purely a commitment issue. He is not committed to you, to the relationship and to being a good partner. You cannot change that. And if he is only willing to make a half assed attempt the day you end it, that is a non starter as well. He knows you are unhappy, just doesn't care enough to make an effort. I have lived with and loved a man for the past 8 years. It has been up and down. And up and down. But we've always stuck it out and vowed to try harder for the other person. To make changes in the way we treat and address each other. To work on building up our relationship after we've spent so much time destroying it. Over the course of the summer and into the fall, we've done a terrible job, we've barely done anything together and for part of the summer, he was sleeping in a separate room. But we love each other, so we promise to work on it. A month and a half ago, we had a huge fight that started over nothing and escalated to the point we were discussing separate living arrangements. He said some things and I said some things. At the end of the night, we had reconciled to a point. But some of the things he said and did would not leave my mind. He was so angry and said such terrible things. I've been thinking more and more that we are incompatible, that we don't have much in common anymore, and we can't have a conversation without arguing. As our relationship has dragged on, he has acted more and more like a bachelor. Hanging out with the guys, watching football all the time, fantasy football rules his life, video games, golfing. And though I've tried to take an interest in his hobbies, he refuses to take an interest in mine (photography, hiking, biking). He can't be in the same room with a TV show he doesn't like and even if its my favorite song, he will change the station. And whether or not we can make a date to go out has to be run through his calendar first, even though we live together. Last week, it weighed so heavy on my mind I burst into tears when he asked me why I looked sad, then said "OH, WTF is your malfunction now?" I explained how abysmally unhappy I've been, how we are more like roommates with benefits than a loving couple, how we aren't married, we don't have a house, even though we've been talking about both of them for 5 years. "I am almost 30 years old and am no where near the place I expected us to be by now." We BOTH expressed how unhappy we were, we agreed we don't spend enough time together, we agreed we don't seem to have much in common. He accused me of giving up on the relationship and I said "No, I'm here talking with you instead of packing my stuff, aren't I?" Again.... We made up, to a point. With promises again to spend more time with each other, to find more things to talk about and more things to do together. In the week and a half since we had this conversation, I've seen him maybe 4 hours (remember we live together). He's played golf and watched football and gone out to drink with his buddies, gone to work and takes lots of naps. I've tried to be patient, but I've brought up to him three times that we agreed to spend more time together and we haven't done one thing (not so much as watched a movie or had a meal together), and he gets angry. Finally today he again asked me why I am so sad. Much more calmly, I sat down and reminded him about the "very serious nature" of our conversations lately. I repeated to him that we had both agreed we were unhappy and that we had both agreed to make an attempt at salvaging our relationship. I told him I don't think he's taking it seriously. He said he is, yet its Saturday night and he has made plans to hang out with the guys and watch Ultimate Fighting instead. This is a final push and I don't think he gets it. We need to come up with some sort of relationship soon, or this living arrangement isn't going to last much longer. I love him, yet I feel I am falling out of love with him. And he could be doing something to stop this, and I'm telling him how to do it, and he still seems to be missing it. But because this relationship at one time had promise and we've been together 8 years, I'm trying so hard not to make a rash decision that I'll regret down the line. At the same time, I'm cleaning out the closets and seperating our stuff. I don't think he noticed that, either. Any advice? How to be patient? How to kick him in the pants? Other people with similar long-term experiences and how to best handle them? I'm so lost and so sad. I want him to care, to have a say in how our relationship goes from this point on. I just don't know how to wake him up.
machimoo Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Hi MightyQuinn, I think mem11363 has a point actually. You can't MAKE someone be what you want them to be...they have to do that of their own accord. You can't make make another person communicate, or care about you, or even love you. After 6 months of the relationship breaking down and my partner slowly cutting me out, and the past month of being treated in a horrible, vile way, I broke up with my partner on Monday. He's been away a lot, so that has made things easier on me and I'm looking for a new place to live now. I just take each day as it comes, working through my emotions and trying to accept the way things have worked out. The hurt is almost unbearable sometimes, but then I have moments of clarity and strength as well. My head knows that it is for the best because the relationship wasn't the best it could have been and he could never give me what I really need (and I'm not a demanding person!), but my heart needs some time to catch up and accept that. We have been together 4 years after all, and he's my first relationship. I hope you had a good time over Halloween! How are things with you?
Author MightyQuinn Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Hi MightyQuinn, I think mem11363 has a point actually. You can't MAKE someone be what you want them to be...they have to do that of their own accord. You can't make make another person communicate, or care about you, or even love you. That is true, but in this case, we care about each other and love each other, but haven't been making it known what we've needed out of this relationship to be happy. We've both been very neglectful towards each other and haven't been communicating well. In some ways, we've been communicating much better lately and a lot of things are coming out, but not necessarily liking the answers that we've been getting. A lot of "This wasn't a problem before, why is it a problem now?" Well, because sometimes when you want to make someone else happy, you don't pay enough attention to what makes yourself happy (or unhappy, in some cases). And you lose yourself. I lost myself. Now I'm trying to re-establish ME, and be ME, and hope that he loves ME. That's not going to well, we are two completely different people. We had a good Halloween, but it isn't looking good on other fronts. Over the last few weeks we've been dredging up important things in our relationship that we've been pushing down. We are finding sticking points where we fundamentally disagree, with no signs of compromise in sight. Yet I am not ready to let go just now. Part of me is, obviously, I have been slowly sorting through items in our house (as I've been sorting my mental house). I don't know yet when I'll be ready to let go (still don't have enough money to move out anyway) but more and more I'm preparing myself for that inevitability. As this progresses, I feel like our relationship moving towards a mutual ending. Doesn't make it any less sad, but at least I'll know that I gave it my all. Though no rings were exchanged, I took this commitment very seriously and to admit that it isn't going to work is.... I can't even think of a good way to describe it. machimoo, though break-ups are never good, I'm glad that you have at least some closure for now. Hope you can find a place to move soon and he allows you both to have some space.
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