Ryanable Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I am a 48 yo man very happily married for 10 years to a gorgeous, intelligent 36 year old woman. I am very attracted to her, love her deeply, and have always been faithful to her, but I am contemplating an affair for one reason and one reason only: she can't cum unless it's with a vibrator. Believe me, I don't have a problem with toys. They're fun. But after ten years, I'm tired of just getting my rocks off and then just watching or fingering her while she uses her vibrator. I feel left out of her pleasure! We have both talked about it numerous times and tried every which way you can think of to make her cum, but the vibrator is the only thing that works for her. She says she's happy with our sex life and that I "just have a hang up about making her cum." But it's more than that. I truly miss hearing a woman moan in pleasure because of something I'm doing to her--I derive deep pleasure from pleasuring my partner and I haven't been able to do that for over ten years! I don't want to get emotionally involved with anyone else, I just want to suck and **** a woman til she cums, hopefully multiple times. Is that so wrong?
tinktronik Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 If she can orgasm with a vibrator and not with you you're not doing it right. It would be a different story if she couldn't orgasm at all but that's not the case. Practice more with your current mate, ask her what she likes and if what you're doing feels good and keep doing it until you get the right factor or combination of factors. It would possibly make some headway if you sat her down and you two have a very open and frank discussion about your needs and honesty with sexuality.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Ask her to put away the vibrator. She's conditioned to respond to it, and if you put it away for a while, she'll get conditioned to responding to you. Both of you need to understand that this may take some time. But she has to stop masturbating FIRST. And you both have to be willing to have some 'unfulfilling' (for her) experiences while she learns a new response. I bet she'd throw that vibrator away in a heartbeat if she knew what you wrote here.
bentnotbroken Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I am a 48 yo man very happily married for 10 years to a gorgeous, intelligent 36 year old woman. I am very attracted to her, love her deeply, and have always been faithful to her, but I am contemplating an affair for one reason and one reason only: she can't cum unless it's with a vibrator. Believe me, I don't have a problem with toys. They're fun. But after ten years, I'm tired of just getting my rocks off and then just watching or fingering her while she uses her vibrator. I feel left out of her pleasure! We have both talked about it numerous times and tried every which way you can think of to make her cum, but the vibrator is the only thing that works for her. She says she's happy with our sex life and that I "just have a hang up about making her cum." But it's more than that. I truly miss hearing a woman moan in pleasure because of something I'm doing to her--I derive deep pleasure from pleasuring my partner and I haven't been able to do that for over ten years! I don't want to get emotionally involved with anyone else, I just want to suck and **** a woman til she cums, hopefully multiple times. Is that so wrong? So you would have an affair because of that one aspect of your life. That's like throwing away a 100 dollar bill because you saw a shiny new penny. Have you ever heard of the 80/20. It's where you throw away 80% of what's right with your marriage, for the 20% that you think you are missing. Get a grip.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Hmmm. Let's look at this from another perspective. What would you think....if your wife was thinking the way you were. For example.... I wish I could orgasm with my husband without a vibrator. He is pushing 50, and I am a lot younger. Maybe a nice 35 year old guy could do it for me. HOW DOES IT FEEL ....THINK ABOUT IT. Now, stop with your ridiculous questions....you already know the answer. Affairs are DEVASTATING. It could ruin the both of you....it's not a F'ing joke. A friend of mine committed suicide when he found out his wife was cheating. The nicest guy in the world, who was a police chief as well. Deal with what you got, there are many ways to add spice to your sex life...you know that. What if your wife got into an accident, would you run out on her? You already recognize that she is a great woman. Be good to her...be grateful. WHen you are in your mid 60's and she is in her early 50's, hope she won't be thinking like you. Now, the orgasm thing as a seperate issue is something that can be worked on. If she is capable at all, then you have a good chance together.
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Me thinks the troll is playing out from under the bridge..
asireen Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 If one spouse is unhappy with the sex life because the other is not into it, or has stopped wanting it, or denying it, etc I am ok with going for some fun on the side. But your reason for doing it sounds flimsy.
Lucky_One Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/clit.html
samsungxoxo Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) Ok, knowing that sooo many LS members have a very strong view on cheating, why would someone risk getting flamed and/or upsetting one of those members with bad cheating experience mainly by asking that question? As to what the poster can do, there is marriage counseling. With cheating, you basically lose more than you gain. Edited October 25, 2009 by samsungxoxo
boldjack Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 WWIU is probably right. The Op sounds fairly trollish to me , too.
bluestraps Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 No I would not . If you really love someone do not hurt them . I just was cheated on in a 10 year relationship with my girlfriend and even though im not married. It hurts alot and you may be risking your mariage . There is some reason for the problem. Maybe you need to read some books on sexual disorders You and your wife should talk about this if you can't you have a serious communication problem.
bluestraps Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Ask her to put away the vibrator. She's conditioned to respond to it, and if you put it away for a while, she'll get conditioned to responding to you. Both of you need to understand that this may take some time. But she has to stop masturbating FIRST. And you both have to be willing to have some 'unfulfilling' (for her) experiences while she learns a new response. I bet she'd throw that vibrator away in a heartbeat if she knew what you wrote here. good advice !!
bluestraps Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I dont hear any talk about foreplay in this thread . Beter idea !!! tell your wife about your concern in a loving way. And get some professional help. You wouldnt put in a whole plumbing system in your self . You would call a plummer?? right !!!
bluestraps Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Yes.. you feel you are failing her You want to please her. It is messing up your confidence and You feel the if you can give another woman an orgasm without the aid of anything You will feel better. Dont give in to this urge no matter how bad you feel.Maybe your wife is fine with how things are but tell her you feel ... that you are failing her. Because you see You will eventualy become so fustrated you may blow up at her . and that will only lead to distance between you and her SO says its o.k . But while she may be just fine . You dont quite feel like a man . I know because there has been times where no matter what i did my partner could not have an orgasm . And after a while i became worried .
Spark1111 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 In an effort to educate the community, whether we have a troll in the midst or not: Only 30% of women can orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation which intercourse does not supply. Apparently, the other 70% fake it. Few women can achieve a G-spot orgasm, the most intense, without strong (vibrating) stimulation to the clitoris and g-spot. The average woman takes 19 minutes of foreplay to become aroused enough to want stimulation to any of her most sexual parts. (Going down on you, does not count as foreplay for her...) The average man takes 7 minutes, start to finish. Like Dr. Phil says, if you want to please your partner, "What are you going to do with those extra 12 minutes?" OK, the sex-ed lesson for today has been completed.
HeidiB125 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Most men know this information already they just don't want to "do it". It's like telling them that if they talk to their wives more and give them more attention outside the bedroom they'll be more open to give more in the bedroom. It's like excercise...we all know we should but we just don't. At least most of us.
Spark1111 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 So Maddiesue.....Is the male ego sooooo fragile that we women should.....just "fake it" for them and re-enact their favorite, 7-second porn segments to keep them happy???;);) What is it? 1958? Don't think so guys....the world, and women especially, have changed, Thank God, IMO.
Author Ryanable Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 Thanks for all the good advice, especially about putting the vib away and looking at it from her perspective. Of course I know the answer: what I'm contemplating is wrong and risks everything I value in my life. I know this in stronger moments. In weaker moments I still wonder. (BTW, not a troll, this is a real situation!) Thanks again!
jennie-jennie Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 In an effort to educate the community, whether we have a troll in the midst or not: Only 30% of women can orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation which intercourse does not supply. Apparently, the other 70% fake it. Few women can achieve a G-spot orgasm, the most intense, without strong (vibrating) stimulation to the clitoris and g-spot. The average woman takes 19 minutes of foreplay to become aroused enough to want stimulation to any of her most sexual parts. (Going down on you, does not count as foreplay for her...) The average man takes 7 minutes, start to finish. Like Dr. Phil says, if you want to please your partner, "What are you going to do with those extra 12 minutes?" OK, the sex-ed lesson for today has been completed. Spark, what you are saying here are important facts. Just a personal reflection: In my case the roles are reversed - ie "7 minutes" for me and "19" for my male partner. We must be an unusual couple then? Luckily for us, I can use those "extra 12 minutes" for multiple orgasms.
HeidiB125 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I remember my mom telling me that sex is fun...that it is supposed to be fun. I think with all the expectations now it's become more of a pressure situation. Communication is the best aphrodisiac anyway. Spark, men absolutely need to now the facts so thanks for sharing that. Here's a rule: NEVER CHEAT! It says more about you than about the situation.
Spark1111 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 You know what Jennie, me too! But I had to learn and teach myself, and then share it all with him. Communication is the key, and sex can be soooo hard to communicate about, because our fragile egos are so intertwined. Ryanable, you are educating yourself on a subject most men never seek to get good advice about! Hats off to you. You love her. You love to have sex with each other, no matter what form it takes. Keep learning and communicating what you both need and want! Best of luck to you!
whichwayisup Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Sorry that I accused you of being a troll. I guess I've never seen anyone post such a thread like yours. Do you love your wife? I mean, truly love her? If you do, then FIX the problems. Seek counselling and communicate with her. In and out of bed. I really hope you don't cheat on her.
Malenfant Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 so how do you think your wife feels then? dont you think she also wishes she could cum with you without aids? Personally i would say her frustration of not being able to is greater than your frustration over not being able to give it. Everyone is different, some women cannot cum through penetration at all. personally, only oral works for me, and only one man has ever been able to do it, luckily for me, he's my H. I've spent most of my sexually active life being frustrated, so i can sympathise with your wife. you surely cant justify cheating over this.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 But after ten years, I'm tired of just getting my rocks off and then just watching or fingering her while she uses her vibrator. I feel left out of her pleasure! We have both talked about it numerous times and tried every which way you can think of to make her cum, but the vibrator is the only thing that works for her. She says she's happy with our sex life and that I "just have a hang up about making her cum." Many times my W and I will use a vibe to make her come first. We then have intercourse which leads to my first - but her second, third, etc. - orgasm. Both partners happy and mission accomplished. Why not reverse your order of things and make love second ??? Mr. Lucky
Fallen Angel Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Many times my W and I will use a vibe to make her come first. We then have intercourse which leads to my first - but her second, third, etc. - orgasm. Both partners happy and mission accomplished. Why not reverse your order of things and make love second ??? Mr. Lucky GREAT ANSWER!!! (thereby nullifying the whole 7 minute / 19 minute problem *smile*)
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