Magnolia5 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I have had several people who are over 30 say this to me. They say it's because they were still experiencing life and trying to find themselves in their 20s, but do you all agree? I mean really, so many people have told me this-- what's the deal?! I'm 21, by the way and I would like to at least find my "soul mate" by 30.
symbol Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I totally agree with this. I'm 29 and I have friends who got married early. Most of them are divorced now (they're all my age). You start to understand who you are and what you want from life, from a relationship, from a family only after you've gone through certain experiences in life. I also read that the human brain is not totally developed until 25, which could explain why people make life-changing decisions at that age. So, I would definitely recommend waiting until you're about 30.
Ross PK Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I have had several people who are over 30 say this to me. They say it's because they were still experiencing life and trying to find themselves in their 20s, but do you all agree? I mean really, so many people have told me this-- what's the deal?! I'm 21, by the way and I would like to at least find my "soul mate" by 30. I think they just in general, what they're saying wont apply to everyone. I'm 33 and I don't even know what 'finding myself' means, and have no experience with women or have any idea of what 'the right one' would be for me. If I was to now magically start being able to get women, you could say I'd probably be best waiting until I'm in my early 40's to get married. *Shrugs*
tinktronik Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 The person you are changes so much throughout your 20s; you kind of grow into yourself. By the time you're 30 you should have experienced real life lessons and been able to beat them on your own. You've built confidence in the person that you are, your capabilities and the way that you read the world. I will be 30 next month and I look back at the person that I was at 20 or 21 and she is almost unrecognizable. I think this is the case with most people. It would be wise to not marry until you both have the confidence to stand on your own in the world and have a firm grasp of what you want out of life. That way you pick your mate based on a fully adult version of yourself and have the maturity to comprehend all of the variables that life demands.
Ross PK Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 What I meant to say was 'I think they just mean in general'.
PinkToes Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I'm sure there are exceptions, but I don't see any disadvantage to waiting. I had a serious relationship in my mid-20s and I was certain we were meant to be together forever. We had so much in common and got along great, and we really loved each other. We talked about marriage a few times, but both of us felt we were too young to make that commitment. So fast-forward about 10 years, and we had both become dramatically different people. We still have occasional contact now, many years later (mostly for political discussions, where we used to agree and are now polar opposites). It's so obvious now that we wouldn't have worked out, nor would we have chosen to be together at all if we'd met after 30. But I never would have believed that back then. The 20s are just such a wildcard, and I do agree that using those years to figure out how to navigate the world on your own makes you a much better partner once you do get married.
muse08 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I totally agree with this. I'm 29 and I have friends who got married early. Most of them are divorced now (they're all my age). You start to understand who you are and what you want from life, from a relationship, from a family only after you've gone through certain experiences in life. I also read that the human brain is not totally developed until 25, which could explain why people make life-changing decisions at that age. So, I would definitely recommend waiting until you're about 30. my relatives and friends who married before 30 are also divorced or on the brink of divorce, mostly divorced. perhaps mainly b/c they don't take marriage seriously and have an unrealistic sense of what a partnership on that level is all about. maturity has a lot to do with it. if you're still "exploring" and finding your way and your partner never agreed to an open relationship/swinging, then you're gonna have a big problem(just an example). so they end up expecting the honeymoon to last forever and wasting everybody's money to come see them dressed up and enjoy a fabulous reception. the glitz and glamour isn't all bad, but people aren't real enough with one another. if things are one way before marrying, why do so many people expect things to change just b/c they get married??? that leads to big time disappointment and people end up giving up quickly or taking each other for granted. my 2(3)cents...
CarrieT Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I can give a very New Age-y explanation of this... It has to do with the astrological concept called the Saturn Return. The gist of it is that the planet Saturn is in a certain place in the sky when you are born. It takes approximately 30 years for Saturn to be in that same place and during that time, you "gel" into the person who are to become. Someone told this to me when was a 23-year old married person. I dismissed the idea. Then I was divorced by the age of 25 and remember what I was told about the Saturn Return when I was 32. It then hit me like a ton of bricks and I wished I had waited to get married.
TheLoneSock Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I'm going to go against the grain here. At 23, I know exactly what I want. Among the things I want is to have a wife and kids of my own by age 26 or 27. I want to be a young father. I have many good examples in my life of people starting out in life as young couples. My parents, my grandparents, aunts and uncles- all married young (early 20's). All happy. This only reinforces what I want. Call me old fashioned. I was probably born in the wrong era. But that's me.
CarrieT Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I'm going to go against the grain here. At 23, I know exactly what I want. Among the things I want is to have a wife and kids of my own by age 26 or 27. I want to be a young father. I have many good examples in my life of people starting out in life as young couples. My parents, my grandparents, aunts and uncles- all married young (early 20's). All happy. This only reinforces what I want. Call me old fashioned. I was probably born in the wrong era. But that's me. Check back in a decade from now and see if you feel the same. I'm not saying it is not possible or true, but it is true - more of than not - that one's general philosophy about our outlook on life has changed after our 30s. Not necessarily our basic desires, but simply our perspective on those needs and desires.
TheLoneSock Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Check back in a decade from now and see if you feel the same. I'm not saying it is not possible or true, but it is true - more of than not - that one's general philosophy about our outlook on life has changed after our 30s. Not necessarily our basic desires, but simply our perspective on those needs and desires. A decade? That's nearly half my life! Lol. I see the wisdom in waiting, however, I also see people that are getting married in their 30's and they are happy, but it's like... ok you could have had that 10 years ago. What were you doing in the meantime? Partying, 'perfecting' your career, exploring other options? Seems like a waste of time to me. I have a cousin for example, she got married last year, she's in her mid 30's. Now they are rushing to have kids because her clock is ticking. And she isn't that much farther in her career than she was 10 years ago. So in my opinion, waiting doesn't get you much of an advantage. People only change very slowly over time. You aren't going to be that much different in your 30's than you were in your mid 20's. Why waste time?
symbol Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 You aren't going to be that much different in your 30's than you were in your mid 20's. Why waste time? Ahh, the sweet bliss of ignorance at 23!
CarrieT Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 So in my opinion, waiting doesn't get you much of an advantage. People only change very slowly over time. You aren't going to be that much different in your 30's than you were in your mid 20's. Why waste time? That is the exactly the point we are trying to make. You are in your 20s and have this opinion that you are who you are. Those of us that have lived through this believe otherwise and there is no way to impress upon "you youngsters" that you will feel differently until you have lived through it yourself. It is not a matter of wanting children. It is a matter of how you feel about yourself. THAT is what will change.
TheLoneSock Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Maybe an example then of a change you went through? What is a way you felt about yourself in your twenties that you no longer feel?
PinkToes Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 At 23, I know exactly what I want. OK, fellow old heads tossing out advice: Raise your hands if you didn't think you knew exactly what you wanted at 23. It's possible you will feel the same at 30 as you do now. It's also possible that you won't. And when you add someone else to the mix, she could be just as certain as you are now, and she could change too. One of the challenges of marrying in your 20s is that you're hooking up with someone else who is going to grow and change, more than at any other time in your adult lives, and it's awfully tough to do that together without at least one of you sacrificing some pretty significant stuff. I can't speak for men, but for me, I've learned and grown a lot from having to rely on myself through some pretty difficult challenges. And such basic things as buying a new car by myself, traveling alone, losing a job and knowing I've got to find my way out on my own -- those are growth experiences I wouldn't trade for the world; they've helped make me who I am now. And that guy who was such a perfect match when I was 25? We met on a political campaign, working for an independent candidate. Since then, he's gone one direction and I've gone another. And I have also learned that political views are a deal breaker for me. That wasn't true back then. Back when I, too, knew exactly what I wanted. Although divorce can be a great learning experience too.
Meaplus3 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 [quote=TheLoneSock;2450695 This only reinforces what I want. Call me old fashioned. I was probably born in the wrong era. But that's me. I don't think your old fashioned at all. I think you just know what you want. Nothing wrong with that. Now to the OP here, really it all comes down to when your ready and when you feel the time is right. Don't let other's dictate your life choices. Follow your heart and inner voice. Best of luck. Mea:)
adamt Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 i have 2 friends who married mid 20 and now mid 30s and they are the closest and most normal family out of all my friends. I also have another friend who was married when he was 24 and still is at 36. another person who met his future wife about 21 and is now married aged 38. on the other side got a friend who got divorced after getting married at about 27. got plenty of other friends who settled down in their early 30s
DenverBachelor Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Some people should never get married. They're just FUBAR.
LovelyDaze Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 My ex and I are in our early 30s and his fiancee' just turned 20 this year. He told me and our mutual friends that after they got engaged (TWO WEEKS after meeting each other in the first place.) that he tried to tell her that they are moving too fast but she went on her blog that gloated about "roping him in" to agreeing to marry. My ex is a sucker. Even being over 30, my ex is acting like he is 20.
HokeyPokey Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I'm going to go against the grain here. At 23, I know exactly what I want. Among the things I want is to have a wife and kids of my own by age 26 or 27. I want to be a young father. Everyone is different, but I find that people tend to fall in love with ideals rather than reality. Being a young father may have advantages for some people, but in the end I think it's a better idea to say, "I'd like to find a loving, healthy relationship that leads to marriage one day. And I'd like to be a father when I can be a good financial and emotional provider." Some people may marry young and everything is gravy. Others need more time. It is dependent on so many different factors, how can you make a timeline? I think people who have very rigid and specific major life plans are often disappointed and force something that isn't right. I've always been on a slow, winding path, and see no reason to hurry. It's all about the journey.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I'm 43, chose never to get married as it is not possible to say you will still want to be with someone in a year's time let alone 60 year's time! Who can promise that? Me and my ex were together 18 years, we thought/hoped we'd always be together, but we're not, so I feel even more strongly that marriage is a tad unrealistic. It's different if you get married for religious reasons, I mean I understand the reasons for wanting to get married in that case, although it still won't necessarily last, but we were/are not religious. I would say you need to live with your partner for at least a year, preferably two before marrying, and if not living together then to have been going out with them for at least two years before even thinking about marriage.
threebyfate Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I have had several people who are over 30 say this to me. They say it's because they were still experiencing life and trying to find themselves in their 20s, but do you all agree? I mean really, so many people have told me this-- what's the deal?! I'm 21, by the way and I would like to at least find my "soul mate" by 30.IMO, 30, is when most people have stabilized in both life direction and emotionally. When most (for certain not all) hit 30, their lives are in order whereby they've completed their schooling, have stabilized in career direction and have relative financial security, in that they're no longer starving students. The more fiscally responsible individuals would have paid off any debt, such as student loans, etc. Also, by age 30, most (for certain not all) have gone through any number of relationships or have dated to their hearts content, having some idea of what they're looking for in a life partner and have disposed of the "soulmate" or "the one" fantasy. So, in most ways, I agree that people shouldn't get married before they're 30, since most haven't accomplished the above, previous to 30. But...there are individuals who have gotten their shyte together earlier. With this in mind, I disagree, for those individuals.
red_cloud Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Don't forget that the biggest part of a successful marriage isn't necessarily "love" but the ability to handle conflicts and compromise. I agree that young people shouldn't get married early because I don't believe that they can handle this well. I have dated several guy who are gung-ho on marriage at an early age and I see their behavior and its not mature or emotionally stable behavior in the least bit. At least in my experience, these marriage minded young people are always afraid to create conflicts so they dismis behaviors that they need to address in order to avoid conflict. And then over time as things build up and then it becomes very hard and painful to deal with them.. so you break up or get divorced. I'm 26 and the way I handled conflict at 23 was way wrong. I can only imagine how much better I will be at it at 30.
LovelyDaze Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Here's a thought...for all that are in their 20s...are you the same person that you were 5 years ago? Life is about changing and molding yourself. While all of us may still hold onto to some ideals, beliefs in ways...generally deep inside you know you have changed and will over the NEXT five years. I love that in my 20s I was naive and a sucker for crumbs of love. Now, In my 30s, I recognize that it is NOT what I deserve and I am sure I will keep finding my strength every decade I am on the planet.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Love is essential too though, as is compromise. My ex left me age 39, we tended to ignore problems as we didn't want conflict or to break up. I'm not sure how much age has to do with it, some people are mature at 32 and some are immature, or unable to handle problems when they're 60+. Communication is essential. My downfall. Don't forget that the biggest part of a successful marriage isn't necessarily "love" but the ability to handle conflicts and compromise. I agree that young people shouldn't get married early because I don't believe that they can handle this well. I have dated several guy who are gung-ho on marriage at an early age and I see their behavior and its not mature or emotionally stable behavior in the least bit. At least in my experience, these marriage minded young people are always afraid to create conflicts so they dismis behaviors that they need to address in order to avoid conflict. And then over time as things build up and then it becomes very hard and painful to deal with them.. so you break up or get divorced. I'm 26 and the way I handled conflict at 23 was way wrong. I can only imagine how much better I will be at it at 30.
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