Falling for the man I had a fling with.

[BritishChic]

This is long, but please, PLEASE BARE WITH ME. I REALLY NEED HELP!!

 

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years. We were best friends for two years before we dated. I am 27 and we have been stuck to each other's side for a 1/3 of our lives. I have built my life around this man. He is my best friend. We have a circle of 'cheerleaders' as I like to call them (aka friends for years) that rally for our 'wedding.' I have alot of pressure and expectations from both families who have accepted me as their 'daughter-in-law' already and vice versus. I am married without the paperwork. And I tell him everything. Well, almost everything. We even moved to another state to strengthen and improve our relationship. You see, my boyfriend is the ONLY boyfriend I've ever had; romantically and sexually. So recently, we have tossed around the idea of swinging (we've even signed up for parties but have been too 'busy' to go) and the idea of finding a 'friend with benefits.'

 

 

Our philosophy has been "we will not go out and look for it, but if it comes our way we will evaluate the opportunity (for another sex partner) together." Realistically, I don't know how this would work out, but this is where everything gets messed up;

 

6 months ago, I met a guy at work. Initially I was physically attracted to him. I mean, when I saw him I was like "oo..he's cute, kinda." Then I found out he had a girlfriend, a girlfriend of 9 years and essentially was in the same situation as I was. Thinking that I could make a friend out of this guy and perhaps lean on him for relationship pointers as we were both in a long term relationship, we began forming a friendship. Initially, the conversations were about our relationships. He would always be talking about her and I was always talking about my boyfriend. As conversations grew over working together, we realized we had ALOT in common. I had more in common with this man than my boyfriend; phone calls and text messages started growing and became an everyday thing, all day, at all times of the day and night. We would talk about music, and tv and movies and what we want out of life.

 

In retrospect this was the perfect beginnings of two people...(if we were single that was..)

 

We never openly said that there was an attraction between us, but people started saying things to me at work 'what's going on with you and ___." Although nothing physical was happening, the chemistry was obvious; we were constantly stuck to one another at work, drifting over to one another, joking around, conversating ALL DAY LONG! I can not tell you how happy, energetic and gooey I felt inside, yet I just dismissed it out of denial. I had this amazing man at home, who I've been through so much in my life and I assumed that as this 'other man' and I were just talking that I simply met a person who I had great chemistry with. Period.

 

Then we began hanging out. It only lasted for 3 weeks. During these 3 weeks we spoke to one another every day. We spent all of the time at one of my friend's house, but we cuddled alot, touched (sitting side by side, legs and arms touching that kinda stuff..) and went swimming together until late hours of the morning. We never kissed or had sex, but as my friend said at one point 'the heat between the two of you is turning ME on!"

 

Then it abruptly ended. And I mean abruptly. He started being rude to me at work, condescending and treating me as I was an inconvience. He wasn't himself, the bubbly energetic person...and I put it down to what was going on at home. You see, he has a girlfriend who has been 'sick' for years...I know what you are thinking, that I am total bitch, but she isn't seriously, life threatening sick, heck she has a full time job in insurance. She constantly complains; she thought a blood blister was cancer! She sounds to me like a hypochondrat (sp?). Anyway, she was about to have surgery. So I put his 'offness' with me down to stress at home. I respected that he needed to take care of his girlfriend. Through this all, it was initially evident that he loved her, so I left him to keep throwing the rude behavior at me, and in the face of it, I remained the same; a strong, supportive 'friend' who was there if he needed me. At the time, I felt completely walked over and used, but I dismissed these feelings as 'selfishness'

 

Then, I discovered I was pregnant by my boyfriend. I told this 'friend' at work that I didnt need the stress of us fighting over BS so we simply put everything we had gone through in a 'box' and went back to being like we were before we started hanging out. Yet things still felt tense. Awkard, like something 'had happened' between us, but it didn't. People at work continued to fuel the 'affair rumor' and that put further space between us.

 

Then I miscarried.

I didn't process my miscarriage at all. Still to this day, it only being 2 months ago, I am still emotionally recovering from that loss. Before I became pregnant, I wrote a few poems about my fling and I posted them on my facebook page.

 

2 weeks after my miscarriage, I find postings all over my wall from 'his' girlfriend. She had gone under his profile and read them and then attacked me all over my profile. Juvenile right? I felt betrayed. Oddly betrayed by him. I sat there thinking 'here is a guy who has sat with me for hours and read some of my poems, here is a guy that I have confided in, told private things and obviously have a 'thing' with...."1. why was she under his profile? 2. why did he 'let her do that? 3. what is he saying about me at home? is he throwing me under the bus to deflect from himself? What hurt the most, was that she attacked my relationship and took a stab at my miscarriage. Then she topped it off with a threat to come up to our work place... I have yet to meet this girl, so how did she know so much about me to be able to attack me about personal information that I only told him?

 

 

 

We didnt talk for a month. My 'friend; and I. We worked side by side silent for a month. He never explained anything. I felt so used so betrayed by someone who cared to sit there at one point and tell me how much he loved my poetry; how much he loved my artwork; how much he used to ask me all kinds of questions about my life and who I was. So, one day I walked up to him and told him I didnt want to fight. That I wanted to move on and I didnt want us to end up hating each other.

 

His reply was "I don't know what you are talking about. We were friends and then you wanted more, but I can't give that to you right now." Again, I felt thrown under the bus. I stood there and questioned everything. Was, what we did NOT crossing the line? Am I NOT good enough to admit that there was something between us?

 

(As a side note, I had heard through a mutual friend that his girlfriend is very controlling over him...this could explain the odd behavior)

 

Now, during the present day, I am still with my boyfriend and he is still with his girlfriend. We do not see each other much, but when we do we always, ALWAYS gravitate towards one another. Last wednesday, he waited for me. You see the thing is, is I think I am falling for this guy. And everything we have been through, I want to tell him that I want us to be together. But at the end of the day, there are two people involved that would get really hurt; my boyfriend and his girlfriend. I feel like I am sacrificing my own happiness to make others happy, and I know that I will probably receive a 1000 replies on here telling me to get my sh*t straight.

But I am going insane. From the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep I think about him. I miss him, and when I am around him I feel so 'right and sure' about it. I've been giving considerable thought to leaving my current boyfriend, but we live together; have a house, have pets have joint everything. I do love my boyfriend, but it's different. It's a stable, matured love and I know for a fact that this man that I am with will stick by my side through all the days of my life.

 

What should I do? Should I work on my relationship and let this 'fling' pass or should I follow what truly makes me happy at this point and tell this 'friend' at work, that I am crazy about him? Am I such a horrid person for all of this? Someone please help me!

[road]

You had an affair. Though there was no intercourse you had an affair.

 

This is why you must go NC, no contact with the OM.

 

This is why you must leave this job because you can not have NC and still work where the OM works.

 

Where was your BF when you were spending all the time with the OM?

The late night swims?

 

You also need to tell your BF that you cheated on him. Yes you had an EA, emotional affair. You had dates with the OM. Also you need to drop your toxic friend. The friend that enabled you to have a place to spend with the OM. Your BF also needs to know toxic friends part as an enabler so he can protect himself from her.

[boldjack]

OP, if you are doing things with your "friend", that you wouldn't tell your BF, then you are having an EA, even if there is no sex. The secrecy and emotional betrayal are what make it so. If your "friend's", GF knows about this, then the only one in the dark is your BF. This is going to blow up in your face, and you will be left with nothing. You need to tell your BF, RIGHT NOW, before the GF does. Then you need to choose and so does your "friend", which way you want to go< if your BF will still have you.

[BritishChic]

Road: thank you for your reply. As much as I try to decipher it all, I know that what we did was crossing the line and yes, maybe it was an affair?

 

My BF knows alot about everything. During the time that this OM and I were seeing one another, my BF knew I was with him...we were playing around with an open relationship, and at the time I was thinking that all I wanted was a sexual encounter with someone. Then I developed the feelings and so did the OM I think, thats when we started bickering at one another and things started getting awkard.

 

I have given serious thought to finding another job, but I can't. Literally, I can't. I am wrapped up in school with student teaching and I do not have the time to train for another job. Trust me..I would. Does this sound like an excuse to stay? Maybe, but I am literally going from 6am until 9pm with teaching. This OM, I met him at my bartending job, so it's flexible and the money is great. GRRR! I think it's best for me to leave, but I can't stop toying with the fears that I will regret walking away from the OM.

[BritishChic]

boldjack; yes my BF knows. We've had many many conversations about all of this. Thats one of the greatest aspects of my relationship with my BF. We communicate about everything. My BF knows I like this other man, just not 'how much.' And as for the OM's gf...well I am not sure what she knows. I know she has prevented all contact between us. I know through mutual friends that the OM was mad that he got caught. I also know that his gf obviously felt confident attacking me. Obviously, she doesn't know the whole extent of my situation with her BF.

 

God, I feel like an ass writing all of this...it's funny how somethings we realize just by writing it huh?

Dont get me wrong, I love my BF. But what I can't get away from are the butterflies this man puts in my stomach. I've never felt that way about anyone, especially my BF.

[boldjack]

As long as everybody's on the same page, then it becomes an issue of what each person is willing to have happen. You have to decide between the two men, and the GF has to decide how hard she will fight to save her relationship, your Bf has to decide if you are worth fighting for and also if that would do any good, and the "friend", has to decide between you and his GF. There, is that everybody? Allrighty then.

[BritishChic]

I agree with you Boldjack...wouldn't it be nice for all of us to sit down and flip a coin? just kiddin.. (I have to crack a joke every now and then to prevent myself from cracking right down the middle)

 

The OM and I have had a light, 5 minute conversation about what we want. I told him I wanted to be with my boyfriend 100% (complete lie) He told me this "I can't give myself to you right now." We both hid behind our 'loyal societal duty' to our relationships. Fine. Point taken. Perhaps I have feelings stronger than his. BUT, he still f*cking (excuse my language but it just drives me crazy! and makes me frustrated) gravitates towards me, gives me the eyes, gives me the smile, and well....it's all still flippin there..everything, the chemistry everything.

 

This leads me to believe that this OM and I are supposed to be. Because, we just go around in circles. I understand that I need to sit down with this OM and talk to him, but I have to catch up with him first because he never seems to want to just put it all out there...

[boldjack]

Have you ever given any thought to leaving both? Find a new man, who gives you the same sparks, but who isn't involved with somebody else. Also, how is your friend to know that you love him, if you lie to him and tell him that you are committed to your Bf 100%? If you love him, tell him, for Christ's sake. All of you people know everything, but nobody is doing anything to resolve the issue.

[whichwayisup]

Dont get me wrong, I love my BF. But what I can't get away from are the butterflies this man puts in my stomach. I've never felt that way about anyone, especially my BF.

 

Then be honest and tell your boyfriend this. Don't you think HE deserves to be the one who makes your heart flutter?

 

Bold is right, maybe you do need to be on your own for a while. Figure yourself out. For all you know sexual attraction/lust/crush feelings are just confusing you, making you THINK/FEEL like you're inlove with the OM, when infact, what you DO have with your bf is long lasting, growing love..Maybe not as intense, or passionate, but it's real (or was real at some point) and he sounds like a good man.

 

Figure out WHY you are allowing yourself to feel more for the OM rather than your own bf. This isn't really about them, it's about you and your own issues.

[seibert253]

Time to choose.

1. BF

2. AP

3. neither.

[BritishChic]

"Bold is right, maybe you do need to be on your own for a while. Figure yourself out. For all you know sexual attraction/lust/crush feelings are just confusing you, making you THINK/FEEL like you're inlove with the OM, when infact, what you DO have with your bf is long lasting, growing love..Maybe not as intense, or passionate, but it's real (or was real at some point) and he sounds like a good man."

 

I am not saying that I am in love with this OM. I just can't stop thinking about him and how much I smile when I am around him. I have given alot of thought to being by myself; my BF is actually entering the air force soon, so that will give us time to see what we really want. Whats so hard about this situation, is that my BF is amazing; he cares for me, he is always there, not so good with money, but he makes up for that in little, creative ways....he really is a great guy, which makes me feel like a lump of sh*t for feeling this way. He is my best friend in the whole world and I really can't imagine my life without him. I think I feel this way because I haven't had other experiences; hence him being my only partner and I always wondering if there's anything else out there. At this point, I want it with this OM.

 

I can't force myself to feel anything for anyone (i.e being passionate about my BF like I am about OM) No one can. And what scares me at this moment, is I feel like I am literally suffocating and everytime I see OM, it's like I can breath again..

[boldjack]

BC, clearly you have the hots for this OM and nothing will do, until you test out the waters, so to speak, we get that. But , News flash......it isn't ALL about you. Your BF deserves to know that he doesn't trip your trigger as much as this other guy does. Right now, he is your security blanket. Give him the respect that he deserves, to make HIS choice , too. And how do you know that the OM is going to go along with your sexual fantasy? Maybe he feels more spark with his GF, than he does with you. If you are going to experiment sexually, be safe, be honest, and be aware that you get, what you give.

[BritishChic]

"BC, clearly you have the hots for this OM and nothing will do, until you test out the waters, so to speak, we get that. But , News flash......it isn't ALL about you. Your BF deserves to know that he doesn't trip your trigger as much as this other guy does. Right now, he is your security blanket. Give him the respect that he deserves, to make HIS choice , too. And how do you know that the OM is going to go along with your sexual fantasy? Maybe he feels more spark with his GF, than he does with you. If you are going to experiment sexually, be safe, be honest, and be aware that you get, what you give."

 

You know, I have no idea if the OM will go along with it, but I know this; if he feels more of a spark with his GF than me, then why am I in the picture in the first place? This man met me half way for some time; this man spent intimate time with me, cuddled with me and the list goes on minus the sex and liplocking. I wouldn't be on here wasting my time if there was absolutely nothing there with the OM. As for my boyfriend, do you not think that I am aware of everything you are saying? Of course he DESERVES to be happy, to know everything, but time out; easier said than done. I have major inner conflictions going on here because I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT EVERYTHING. I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH VOICE TO LISTEN TO; HEART OR HEAD. I completely agree with the previous post, that what I have with my boyfriend is potentially long-lasting, yet less passionate love...but is that what its all about at the end of the day? Long lasting or passion? Because I am a 26 old woman who is feeling no passion in her relationship but an amazing friendship. And I am a 26 woman wondering if that's what makes a life long partnership at the end of the day; passion or friendship. And I am a 26 woman is obviously lacking the experience of passion in her life and has found it with OM.

 

Another thing...of course he is my security blanket! I've invested/spent a 1/3 of my life with him. Before my aunt left her husband of 22 years, he was her security blanket. I've also been living with this man for 8 years, so yes in many ways, right down to how I work things out financially (I am not saying he pays my bills, I take care of those as well hence the job) it's all I've known for my whole adulthood. In all honesty, I am pretty nervous thinking about my life without him, so here I have these selfish conflictions.

 

This is the way I look at it; I am facing INNER CONFLICTIONS because I choose to keep my mouth shut to the OM about my true feelings. I am also facing inner conflictions because as I am choosing at this moment to focus on my relationship, I am scared that I am working on something that, in the end, I am not going feel 100%. I am working on igniting a flame that I am not sure is in me or not. And Yes, my Boyfriend deserves to know this and Yes, he essentially does knows= everything, just not the details, how much I feel and what I feel. I have two conflictions inside of me all the time; my mind tells me to focus and work on my relationship because at the end of the day that is what is most important. My heart tells me that it loves my BF yet it flutters over this OM.

 

 

Apparently, it's hard to believe that I love my boyfriend. I do! And this is what's making this so emotionally draining. I love him, I am not in love with him. I am trying to figure out if being in love makes love last..

 

So through feeling all of this, I've kept my mouth shut thinking that I wasn't making it ALL ABOUT ME. I keep my mouth shut because I figure, better me hurt than anyone else and that I can keep my head down, focus on work and all of this raging, conflicting emotions inside of me will pass over. Well they haven't, and that is why I am on here in the first place, to seek and hopefully gain constructive advice as to how to handle my emotions and perhaps give me some insight as to which road to take; BF or OM. Because at the end of the day, I have 2 men in my life that I really really care about in a messed up situation.

Edited October 25, 2009 by BritishChic

[SoulStorm]

"BC, clearly you have the hots for this OM and nothing will do, until you test out the waters, so to speak, we get that. But , News flash......it isn't ALL about you. Your BF deserves to know that he doesn't trip your trigger as much as this other guy does. Right now, he is your security blanket. Give him the respect that he deserves, to make HIS choice , too. And how do you know that the OM is going to go along with your sexual fantasy? Maybe he feels more spark with his GF, than he does with you. If you are going to experiment sexually, be safe, be honest, and be aware that you get, what you give."

 

You know, I have no idea if the OM will go along with it, but I know this; if he feels more of a spark with his GF than me, then why am I in the picture in the first place? This man met me half way for some time; this man spent intimate time with me, cuddled with me and the list goes on minus the sex and liplocking. I wouldn't be on here wasting my time if there was absolutely nothing there with the OM. As for my boyfriend, do you not think that I am aware of everything you are saying? Of course he DESERVES to be happy, to know everything, but time out; easier said than done. I have major inner conflictions going on here because I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT EVERYTHING. I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH VOICE TO LISTEN TO; HEART OR HEAD. I completely agree with the previous post, that what I have with my boyfriend is potentially long-lasting, yet less passionate love...but is that what its all about at the end of the day? Long lasting or passion? Because I am a 26 old woman who is feeling no passion in her relationship but an amazing friendship. And I am a 26 woman wondering if that's what makes a life long partnership at the end of the day; passion or friendship. And I am a 26 woman is obviously lacking the experience of passion in her life and has found it with OM.

 

Another thing...of course he is my security blanket! I've invested/spent a 1/3 of my life with him. Before my aunt left her husband of 22 years, he was her security blanket. I've also been living with this man for 8 years, so yes in many ways, right down to how I work things out financially (I am not saying he pays my bills, I take care of those as well hence the job) it's all I've known for my whole adulthood. In all honesty, I am pretty nervous thinking about my life without him, so here I have these selfish conflictions.

 

This is the way I look at it; I am facing INNER CONFLICTIONS because I choose to keep my mouth shut to the OM about my true feelings. I am also facing inner conflictions because as I am choosing at this moment to focus on my relationship, I am scared that I am working on something that, in the end, I am not going feel 100%. I am working on igniting a flame that I am not sure is in me or not. And Yes, my Boyfriend deserves to know this and Yes, he essentially does knows= everything, just not the details, how much I feel and what I feel. I have two conflictions inside of me all the time; my mind tells me to focus and work on my relationship because at the end of the day that is what is most important. My heart tells me that it loves my BF yet it flutters over this OM.

 

 

Apparently, it's hard to believe that I love my boyfriend. I do! And this is what's making this so emotionally draining. I love him, I am not in love with him. I am trying to figure out if being in love makes love last..

 

So through feeling all of this, I've kept my mouth shut thinking that I wasn't making it ALL ABOUT ME. I keep my mouth shut because I figure, better me hurt than anyone else and that I can keep my head down, focus on work and all of this raging, conflicting emotions inside of me will pass over. Well they haven't, and that is why I am on here in the first place, to seek and hopefully gain constructive advice as to how to handle my emotions and perhaps give me some insight as to which road to take; BF or OM. Because at the end of the day, I have 2 men in my life that I really really care about in a messed up situation.

 

 

Ok listen,

 

What you are feeling now is the newness of another relationship, something you haven't experienced since you met your bf. It's exciting, gives you a rush and you feel like you are in Utopia. This always happens and that "passion" soon burns out. It is not meant to last in that capacity forever. Don't get me wrong, you can still have passion, but it does not stay to that degree.

 

I have been married 23 years and I do still feel that spark for my wife, because I love her and am in love with her. it is not to that degree as it was when we first met,when all the endorphines in my brain went nuts for her.

But I do catch myself today,25 years after we first met, just staring at her and feeling how much she is a part of my life.

 

The feelings you think you are having for OM are not "in love feelings" The circumstances that brought you together are not respectable. He has a girlfriend and let me tell you something about men, he figures if you have a boyfriend and will sleep with him, you are not that respectable in his eyes. A man will respect a woman that says NO..I have a SO and stands by that. Your life with Om will not be what you think. In reality, he may says he respects you, but honestly he does not. Ask any man you know how he would feel about a woman who would step out on her boyfriend to sleep with him. Unless he has burning love for her...he will not hang around once she becomes Truly available.

 

Another check in the he doesn't respect you column is he has a girlfriend, who he hasn't given up for you and 10 times out of 10..will not.

So will you settle for being second? You deserve better than that.

If you are not in love with your BF then that's reality and he should not suffer because of what YOU are feeling. He doesn't know everything because you have kept all the details to yourself. So he can't make a rational decision based on half truth.

 

You are playing Russian Roulette with a six shooter gun and 5 bullets. There will be no good outcome for you in this with OM.

 

I suggest you take time to yourself away from both men. Just so you can get your head clear. Also tell your BF all the details so he can make a clear decision too on whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship. He is in this too

Edited October 25, 2009 by SoulStorm

[whichwayisup]

I love him, I am not in love with him

 

Then end it. Your boyfriend deserves to have a girlfriend who is INLOVE with him, desires him, adores him, needs him, respects him, cares about him. You don't "love" him the way a girlfriend should, long term. It isn't fair to him to allow the relationship to go on when you are totally falling for someone else.