MissHollywood Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I just moved back to California from Asia and may not be ready to date yet. But I would like to hang out with men, make friends and perhaps date when I'm ready. What's a good way to ask them out without letting them think it's a date? I'm not too keen on a group outing because I enjoy men's company one-on-one, have dinner, good conversations over some good old wine. Not many men are keen when I explicitly say it's less than a date though.
justforfun Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Join a website and state exactly what you are looking for? You could try social networking sites but honestly, I think a dating site would be better. Sounds strange I know but you can state upfront what you are looking for and I think a lot of guys on there would enjoy a non-date.
Trialbyfire Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 MissHollywood, what are you looking for, from these men? Do you just want male friends or are you looking for a backup dating pool, for when you're ready to date? Do you want men to safely flirt with but nothing else?
BobSacamento Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Your only wasting their time. Don't be a tease.
justforfun Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Your only wasting their time. Don't be a tease. Refreshing and true.
Trimmer Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I just moved back to California from Asia and may not be ready to date yet. But I would like to hang out with men, make friends and perhaps date when I'm ready. What's a good way to ask them out without letting them think it's a date? I'm not too keen on a group outing because I enjoy men's company one-on-one, have dinner, good conversations over some good old wine. Not many men are keen when I explicitly say it's less than a date though. But it sounds like you're being honest, and actually screening out those who would not be interested in a "non-date" so isn't your process working then? You have to realize that you're looking for a relatively smaller proportion of the potential pool of available men: "those who would be interested in a non-date" is going to be a subset of the population. We can argue about just how big or small, but it's going to be significantly smaller than the whole group of available men. So if your question is 'how do I find those who would inherently be interested', then I think being honest up front - like it sounds you are doing - is the way to go, but you have to realize that you will have to try harder and search longer to find that smaller proportion of those who will be interested. The points about looking online, where you can advertise very specifically what you are looking for, might be helpful. On the other hand, if the subtext to your question is "how do I get men who would normally be interested in a date to be interested in a non-date?" in order to try to increase your pool of candidates and make it easier to find men to hang out with, then I think you are fighting an uphill battle. It would generally be a mismatch to try to convince men who would prefer to date, to go along on a non-date. So which is it: are you trying to find the ones willing to non-date, or are you trying to convince a broader range of men to hang out with you without the possibility of dating?
boogieboy Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 All you will do is frustrate men who are interested in you, but will keep trying even though you told them youre not interested. Make friends with women first. Youre not going to get any guys to hang out with you that wont keep trying to date you this way. Just wait until you are ready to date before asking men anything.
ADF Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I would rethink your reluctance to go on group outings. Very, very few men are going to believe you are asking them on a non-date, no matter what you say. Men almost never go out of their way to befriend women they're not attracted to, so they have no context for understanding what you want. Maybe it's time to find a gay buddy?
NewSmyrnaBeach Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Tell them that you have a highly contagious, and extremely uncomfortable, STD. Tell him that you aren't sure if there is even a name for it, much less a cure. If they still go for it then you know you are dealing a special individual.
NewSmyrnaBeach Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Or you could just start using the phrase "before I became a woman..." a lot.
alphamale Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Not many men are keen when I explicitly say it's less than a date though. i wouldn't be either, what would be the point of accepting?
carhill Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 What's a good way to ask them out without letting them think it's a date?'I'm going to the track on Sunday and need a pit crew. Wanna go?' TBH, the only way healthy men will go on 'non-dates' with you is if the time revolves around an activity which they enjoy anyway. IOW, you aren't the focus. I see this as being problematical for you
EcstasyX6 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 i wouldn't be either, what would be the point of accepting? Miss Hollywood, What they're saying but not saying, is that men ultimately want sex if they're going to make the effort to go out on a "non-date" with you. They are not interested in just friendship with a woman. So I would agree, try the group dating scene, or get involved with some activity where you'll meet men(maybe golfing), where there's an opportunity to talk and potentially sit down and eat together(grab a bite at the clubhouse). Even then, once your friendly with them, the little bell will ding, and they'll be thinking of what you look like naked. Sorry to bust your bubble.
NewSmyrnaBeach Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I think most of us have platonic relationships with women. Most of mine are with girlfriends or wives of my friends. I also have some that are ex's of friends. If they dated for a while then most of the time they are off the table too. Most of us just find someone we want to date and then do things with them.
Trimmer Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Even then, once your friendly with them, the little bell will ding, and they'll be thinking of what you look like naked. Sorry to bust your bubble. Ah yes - Pavlov's dog. I think they generally start salivating at that point, too.
boogieboy Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Hey Misshollywood, this is how you do it. "Hey guy, I'm not interested in you romantically, and never will be, but I want to make new friends. I want to hang out with you and do plenty of things, but they will never be dates. Soooo, wanna go wine tasting with me?" If you get any guy to waste his time with you after telling him the full truth, you'll have your non date.
Holding-On Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Pay for it. If you are simply taking them out so they will give you attention and the pleasure of their company with no expectations in return (i.e. you want them to entertain you). then I would say... "You are a smart and nice man. I really enjoy your company. I'm looking not to date right now but would love a friend to accompany me to dinner. Want to go to to go to such and such restaurant with me? My treat."
MalachiX Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 A lot of guys have no problem with platonic female friends to hang out with though it's harder if you are in a relationship (since girlfriends get jealous easy). I don't see any issue with wanting guy friends. That said, your idea of a non-date kinda sucks for them. Asking a guy to hang out or even go to a movie as friends is not uncommon (especially if you include that you're looking to do it as a group with others). On the other hand, wanting only a one-one dinner with a guy and then going back home for wine is seriously leading a guy on if you have no intention of a relationship or at least sex. My guess is you probably know that so it sounds like you don't want to admit you'd like to date again. Or you could just start using the phrase "before I became a woman..." a lot. I think we have a solution.
Curious-One Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 As a guy there is no reason for me to take you out. You might enjoy a conversation and dinner but most guys dont enjoy doing that. I would much rather go out with my friends and play some sports, talk about sports, you know guy stuff. The only way i spend time with a girl over dinner and try to keep her company is if i think i will get in a relationship with her. There are probobly guys that will put up with it but i personally wont. The guys that will actually take you to dinner and pretend to be friends are there because they either want to have sex with you or date you. Thats my opinion...
Holding-On Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 As a guy there is no reason for me to take you out. You might enjoy a conversation and dinner but most guys dont enjoy doing that. I would much rather go out with my friends and play some sports, talk about sports, you know guy stuff. The only way i spend time with a girl over dinner and try to keep her company is if i think i will get in a relationship with her. There are probobly guys that will put up with it but i personally wont. The guys that will actually take you to dinner and pretend to be friends are there because they either want to have sex with you or date you. Thats my opinion... or they want a free dinner
Els Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 'I'm going to the track on Sunday and need a pit crew. Wanna go?' TBH, the only way healthy men will go on 'non-dates' with you is if the time revolves around an activity which they enjoy anyway. IOW, you aren't the focus. I see this as being problematical for you I agree with this. You REALLY just want the company of male friends, ask them out for footie night, tennis, video games, you get the gist.
Awesome Username Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Dating can be scary for some women, especially women who need a lot of time to grow and get to know a man before she would even think about getting intimate with him. The problem with dating for me is that I'm afraid that it will turn into a "How many times do I have to buy her stuff and put up with her talking before I can finally have sex?" There's something about that that has made me personally never want to go on a "date-date" with someone I've never met. It seems like it would be a great idea to just meet guys and see if you like them, and have them not put so many expectations down. Like, I had a guy that asked me out today and he was handsome and nice, so I was thinking about it. I told him to text me his number, But then he texted me, "**** me - James." He is now saved under "Nope." I agree with finding something to do that a lot of guys like to do. That way, you know a lot of guys as friends and they're not in date mode, which means they're just trying to push buttons to get you to sleep with them on the 3rd or 4th time you've even seen them. I think you feel the same way that I do. Sucks having a heart that warms up so slowly, doesn't it?
justforfun Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 There's something about that that has made me personally never want to go on a "date-date" with someone I've never met. No but your thinking about internet dating aren't you?
Author MissHollywood Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Thanks for all your replies. From them, I think there's no way but to explain outright that I'm not looking to date. But is asking someone out always understood as a date? It can't be anything else?
Trimmer Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I really think that asking someone new out, on a defined non-date, is probably going to be a hard-sell. As you can see from the comments, a lot of guys are going to either (a) turn you down, we hope politely, (b) be confused, and figure you don't really mean it, or © believe that you mean it, but figure that if things go well, you'll change your mind. I truly think your best bet for one-on-one socializing with a man on a non-date would come from someone you already know, well enough to establish your desired ground rules. Even then, things can get confusing. Most guys are going to either outright think "what's the point" or not actually get the point, and still think it's a 'kinda-date', instead of a 'not-date.' In the end, however, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with trying, and if you decide to do so, I agree that you being upfront with your intended status is the best way to keep things clear - although again, even that is not a guarantee.
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