kis Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Most everyone on this site has sad stories and most seem to believe that if you have an affiar you are doomed to get caught. But I think people have them all the time and get away with it. I wanted to tell a positive story. About a year after I got married my husband started having an affiar. it was very serious and he left me for her. I was naive and very devastated. My self esteem hit bottom and I thought I must not be sexy, pretty or intersting enough or it would not have happen. After several months he wanted to come back. I let him because I thoght my life was over without him. A couple of years later I started a new job and a guy there started paying alot of attention to me. I could tell he thought I was sexy and beautiful and all the things I was afraid I was missing. He made me feel good about myself again. After about a year we had an affiar. With out him I dont know how long or if ever i would have started feeling good about myself again. It only lasted a few months and no one ever knew. It helped me in so many ways and I was able to go on with my marrige in a better state of mind and I knew I was staying not because I was afraid no one else would want me but because I loved my husband and wanted to be with him. Anyone else have a good experience. I would love to hear it.
Art_Critic Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Anyone else have a good experience. I would love to hear it. It sounds like affairs in your marriage haven't been a good experience honestly.. What you got was revenge.. you evened the score in your mind, that was starting with a clean slate.. So while the affair in your mind was a good experience it was only that way because your husband had hurt you to the point where you felt that the score needed to be even.. Affairs are never good for a marriage.. at least that is what I think..
Samantha0905 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 You should be able to feel good about yourself without affirmation from another person. I can't think of any way an affair is good for a marriage. It may have put a bandaid in some way on your self-esteem issues, but it couldn't have been good for your marriage. Since you found out about your husband's affair, wasn't he bending over backwards to show you attention after you allowed him to return? Not judging, by the way. I've had an affair also. In any event, I hope things go well for you and your marriage.
White Flower Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Most everyone on this site has sad stories and most seem to believe that if you have an affiar you are doomed to get caught. But I think people have them all the time and get away with it. I wanted to tell a positive story. About a year after I got married my husband started having an affiar. it was very serious and he left me for her. I was naive and very devastated. My self esteem hit bottom and I thought I must not be sexy, pretty or intersting enough or it would not have happen. After several months he wanted to come back. I let him because I thoght my life was over without him. A couple of years later I started a new job and a guy there started paying alot of attention to me. I could tell he thought I was sexy and beautiful and all the things I was afraid I was missing. He made me feel good about myself again. After about a year we had an affiar. With out him I dont know how long or if ever i would have started feeling good about myself again. It only lasted a few months and no one ever knew. It helped me in so many ways and I was able to go on with my marrige in a better state of mind and I knew I was staying not because I was afraid no one else would want me but because I loved my husband and wanted to be with him. Anyone else have a good experience. I would love to hear it. Perhaps in your case you were both so young and had self-esteem issues and the As (both of them) gave you both perspective that you needed at the time. It might not happen in the same way later and in a different stage in your lives. But if you both see it that way and your M is stronger for it then more power to you!
fooled once Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I have to agree with Samantha in that it has to come from INSIDE you to feel good. A man making you feel good, IMHO, isn't really coming from within. You can walk down the street, go to the grocery store, whatever and there will be some guy who will think you look good, but that doensn't mean you should have sex with him. I do believe the phrase that you can't really love someone until you love yourself. Same with feeling good about yourself, and being happy with who you are -- another person can't provide that to you; you have to provide it to yourself.
RedDevil66 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 You should be able to feel good about yourself without affirmation from another person. I can't think of any way an affair is good for a marriage. It may have put a bandaid in some way on your self-esteem issues, but it couldn't have been good for your marriage. Since you found out about your husband's affair, wasn't he bending over backwards to show you attention after you allowed him to return? Not judging, by the way. I've had an affair also. In any event, I hope things go well for you and your marriage. I agree with you totally.
Lizzie60 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Most everyone on this site has sad stories and most seem to believe that if you have an affiar you are doomed to get caught. But I think people have them all the time and get away with it. I wanted to tell a positive story. About a year after I got married my husband started having an affiar. it was very serious and he left me for her. I was naive and very devastated. My self esteem hit bottom and I thought I must not be sexy, pretty or intersting enough or it would not have happen. After several months he wanted to come back. I let him because I thoght my life was over without him. A couple of years later I started a new job and a guy there started paying alot of attention to me. I could tell he thought I was sexy and beautiful and all the things I was afraid I was missing. He made me feel good about myself again. After about a year we had an affiar. With out him I dont know how long or if ever i would have started feeling good about myself again. It only lasted a few months and no one ever knew. It helped me in so many ways and I was able to go on with my marrige in a better state of mind and I knew I was staying not because I was afraid no one else would want me but because I loved my husband and wanted to be with him. Anyone else have a good experience. I would love to hear it. You brought up a very good point... it does make you feel good about yourself... It's easy to say that you don't need anyone for validation.. but the truth is.. YES you do... if it doesn't come from your H.. then you got it from someone else.. I say good for you... And yes.. affairs are sometimes good for the M... it is the feeling that you are desired, sexy..loved again..and, in the case, where sex is lacking in the M.. then you (as in you, general, men and women) get it outside.. the secret lies in the 'secret'.. Like some therapists would say.. all truths are not good to divulge..
boldjack Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 The only people who believe that an affair is "good", for a marriage either hasn't been on the BS side of things or time enough hasn't passed for all of the shoes to drop. This is just another bullsh*t fantasy to assuage the guilt of a cheater.
moaningmyrtle Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 The only people who believe that an affair is "good", for a marriage either hasn't been on the BS side of things or time enough hasn't passed for all of the shoes to drop. This is just another bullsh*t fantasy to assuage the guilt of a cheater. Yes; at best perhaps the person having the A feels it has been good for him/her. If/when it's discovered by the BS most no longer feel that way.
Jacky Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I don't think As are good for marriages, it might feel good when you are in it but it just shows that the love you have for your H has gone away. Your spouse should be the person who is making you feel good about yourself or in other words he should be giving you the attention instead some other person
NowhereToHide Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Most everyone on this site has sad stories and most seem to believe that if you have an affiar you are doomed to get caught. But I think people have them all the time and get away with it. I wanted to tell a positive story. About a year after I got married my husband started having an affiar. it was very serious and he left me for her. I was naive and very devastated. My self esteem hit bottom and I thought I must not be sexy, pretty or intersting enough or it would not have happen. After several months he wanted to come back. I let him because I thoght my life was over without him. A couple of years later I started a new job and a guy there started paying alot of attention to me. I could tell he thought I was sexy and beautiful and all the things I was afraid I was missing. He made me feel good about myself again. After about a year we had an affiar. With out him I dont know how long or if ever i would have started feeling good about myself again. It only lasted a few months and no one ever knew. It helped me in so many ways and I was able to go on with my marrige in a better state of mind and I knew I was staying not because I was afraid no one else would want me but because I loved my husband and wanted to be with him. Anyone else have a good experience. I would love to hear it. I personally can see no situation where an affair is good for a marriage. Everything about an A is negative -- the lying, the deception, the pain, the betrayal, the guilt. Sure, you might momentarily get an ego-boost, but it's not sustainable... at least I believe that anyone that had an affair and ONLY feels great things coming off of it might have an integrity-chip missing. If you don't feel like it was wrong, there's something not right there. I have no doubt that you will go out seeking these feelings again. It's a vicious cycle.
2sure Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Your H having an affair, making you feel like crap, and ultimately divorcing ...none of that was a good thing. Sorry. I'm glad that you ended up meeting someone better for you but truly there are plenty of less harmful ways to get there. It was a bad thing that happened and a good thing to get past and leave behind. Before remarrying, I was OW several times over ..never got caught, no drama, etc. However to say that means it was a good thing...ummm, NO.
boldjack Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Op, does this mean that you will have another affair if things go bad in your M? Everytime you have a problem, will you seek the answers in another man's bed? You need to grow up.
carhill Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 OP, a few questions.... 1. Does your H know about your A? 2. God forbid, if your H were to have an A again and you found out, what would your response be? 3. I'm assuming, post A's, you and H set some boundaries for recovery. What are those boundaries? Perhaps you can help myself and others. Happy to hear your M is in recovery. Best wishes In my case, my EA opened my eyes to my own deficiencies, as well as what I was lacking in my M, and we sought therapy to reconcile those differences. Ultimately, they were/are irreconcilable, but, without the process, I wouldn't have clarity as to the reasons and impetuses, so now I can have both healthier relationships as well as avoid the pitfalls of A's. A conditionally positive outcome, IMO.
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