Laura123 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Hi, I found this website a week ago after going through a bit of a self-doubting time over the past 2-3 months. I have lurked and finally got the energy up to post because it needs to be time to move on. I need to say what I need to say here as I am angry at him and bottom line is I am resentful and talking myself all the time out of giving him a piece of my mind. At the end of the day I'm just hurt. Basically I started a new job back in May, met a guy, married, and the flirty messages and emails started pretty much the 2nd/3rd day. Well, after a month of this constant attention, several emails every day, and a physical aspect as well, things started to die down very subtely beginning of July. I noticed it as the weeks went by and by the mid of August I sent him an email asking him about it, he said he was busy (yeah, right). Anyway, I was sacked from my job, first time in my life, probably because of messing around with him, at the beginning of September and since then the contact on his part has been one email a week. It didn't last for long, the overall whatever it was (after all, it wasn't a relationship). I feel angry and resentful that he just doesn't seem so interested anymore. I miss the attention and yes I do miss him, but I am sure he is having a great time and not even passing me a thought. Now that I'm writing this it leaves me feeling very empty. It's hard seeing what were great feelings, the attention and the excitement die that I had for someone who I can see is getting even further away from me. He said he is worried in case anyone finds out about the situation, but surely no-one can see how often he emails me, unless they are looking over his shoulder. I guess at the end of the day there will be no attempt to see me, and as I am staying with relatives whilst I try to sell my flat as I have relocated, doubt he sees much of the value in bothering with me anymore. At the end of the day it's just resentment that is left really. I am trying to be friends with him but I even feel he is playing games with the contact, deliberately or not, it's just such a silly situation. Don't know why I'm posting this, think I just need to get it out of my head.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Welcome Laura. Well - if he is emailing from a work account / work computer then the system admins can see everything. Don't think that they can't Sorry about this guy - sounds like a little bit of a tool if you ask me.
Author Laura123 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Thanks, he has his own business and doesn't work in my old work place 5 days a week, he works from others too, differert companies. I just think he's lost interest and now I look back I think as soon as we got physical intimate, it seems that he felt he'd won and couldn't be bothered anymore. One month, that's the best I could keep him for? I must be so interesting! So it's been 5 months we've been in contact, but it's just not been the same since he came back from holiday with his family beginning of July. Felt like something had changed.
Samantha0905 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) Thanks, he has his own business and doesn't work in my old work place 5 days a week, he works from others too, differert companies. I just think he's lost interest and now I look back I think as soon as we got physical intimate, it seems that he felt he'd won and couldn't be bothered anymore. One month, that's the best I could keep him for? I must be so interesting! So it's been 5 months we've been in contact, but it's just not been the same since he came back from holiday with his family beginning of July. Felt like something had changed. I hate the statement "One month, that's the best I could keep him for? I must be so interesting!" That's a very destructive way to think about yourself. Perhaps, since he's married and sleeping around on his wife, plus obviously has treated you very poorly -- he's the one that has a problem or two and your focus shouldn't be on keeping him. He's not available to be kept. He's a man with a family treating them very badly. Think about him in those terms. If he can be that not nice to his wife/family, he's just not at a good place in his life and either will (a) decide to work on his family and stop being a tool, or (b) just remain a not nice person with little integrity and continue to have flings. He simply isn't available and shouldn't carry on like he is and if you knew he was married, you should have realized this and decided not to have the affair with him regardless of how much he flirted. I just had an affair and it ended. I'm married. Believe me, I know. It's just a total lack of character and integrity on his part and somewhat on yours also. I think anyone who enters into a relationship with a person they know is married has to understand this somewhat. Perhaps you should choose to have a relationship with someone who can be 100% committed to you. I'm sure you deserve that. Edited October 24, 2009 by Samantha0905
Author Laura123 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I hear what you are saying and yes, you are right, I do deserve to be with someone that can give me a relationship, not a muck about now and then. I think I'd been single so long (3 and a half years) by the time I met him and he pursued so much that I thought ok I will. It was a hard uneasy decision but he was so exciting and it made me happy for that first month. It's strange to think I've known him 5 months now, the last time we were physically intimate was a month ago, and also to think that really only the first month was enjoyable. It's hard for me to think of him as a bad person, but maybe he is just out to take what he can for himself. I believe that he did find me attractive, but that as soon as he had "won" that was enough for him, plus something changed during that holiday. Maybe he did decide that his family life was more important (and of course it is) but I'd rather he had been honest about it than leaving me second guessing. I think I lost my integrity because I've been single so long and my relationship was abusive before that. We were intimate in the first month but only really properly intimate in the next month and on and off up until last month, he still seemed keen to be physically close on occasion when we could get away with it (not hugely often). I think I got past the point of caring, maybe about myself. I went into it telling myself "you're not good enough for a proper relationship so messing about with a married man is the best you're going to get". I think I was wrong though because I deserve someone who will treat me better. Whether I will get it or not will be a different thing but still the case. I think what I miss the most is the fun during the summer, the flirting, everything really. I do miss him but I didn't know and still don't know him well enough. I've only seen a small part of his personality.
fooled once Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Hi, I found this website a week ago after going through a bit of a self-doubting time over the past 2-3 months. I have lurked and finally got the energy up to post because it needs to be time to move on. I need to say what I need to say here as I am angry at him and bottom line is I am resentful and talking myself all the time out of giving him a piece of my mind. At the end of the day I'm just hurt. Basically I started a new job back in May, met a guy, married, and the flirty messages and emails started pretty much the 2nd/3rd day. Well, after a month of this constant attention, several emails every day, and a physical aspect as well, things started to die down very subtely beginning of July. I noticed it as the weeks went by and by the mid of August I sent him an email asking him about it, he said he was busy (yeah, right). Anyway, I was sacked from my job, first time in my life, probably because of messing around with him, at the beginning of September and since then the contact on his part has been one email a week. It didn't last for long, the overall whatever it was (after all, it wasn't a relationship). I feel angry and resentful that he just doesn't seem so interested anymore. I miss the attention and yes I do miss him, but I am sure he is having a great time and not even passing me a thought. Now that I'm writing this it leaves me feeling very empty. It's hard seeing what were great feelings, the attention and the excitement die that I had for someone who I can see is getting even further away from me. He said he is worried in case anyone finds out about the situation, but surely no-one can see how often he emails me, unless they are looking over his shoulder. I guess at the end of the day there will be no attempt to see me, and as I am staying with relatives whilst I try to sell my flat as I have relocated, doubt he sees much of the value in bothering with me anymore. At the end of the day it's just resentment that is left really. I am trying to be friends with him but I even feel he is playing games with the contact, deliberately or not, it's just such a silly situation. Don't know why I'm posting this, think I just need to get it out of my head. Were you expecting a long lasting relationship with him? I mean, he was married.... he already had a wife, what were you expecting? And with you no longer there, he has either moved onto someone else or realized the fling with you wasn't worth losing his marriage over. I am confused as to what you resent....that he is no longer interested in a fling with you? I mean, you two really weren't 'friends' - you knew him all of a day before the flirting and all started. Put him out of your mind and don't email him anymore. Find someone else who you can put your energy into, and make sure he is single this time.
Author Laura123 Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 and make sure he is single this time? I thought this forum was for some advice from people in the same boat, not a telling off. I wish I hadn't bothered.
bentnotbroken Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 and make sure he is single this time? I thought this forum was for some advice from people in the same boat, not a telling off. I wish I hadn't bothered. Fooled has been in your boat. Just because you didn't like her advice doesn't mean it wasn't advice. Having "bothered" is entirely your prerogative, but it is a public forum. Take the advice you want and leave the rest.
jennie-jennie Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Laura, there are a lot of betrayed spouses and also reformed other women here. Just so you know. Take care.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 and make sure he is single this time? I thought this forum was for some advice from people in the same boat, not a telling off. I wish I hadn't bothered. Are you open to the possibility that he was just looking for sex and, having accomplished that, moved on? Based on his actions since you left the company, doesn't seem like he was emotionally vested the same way you were in the relationship. Time to set your sights higher ... Mr. Lucky
NowhereToHide Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Were you expecting a long lasting relationship with him? I mean, he was married.... he already had a wife, what were you expecting? And with you no longer there, he has either moved onto someone else or realized the fling with you wasn't worth losing his marriage over. I am confused as to what you resent....that he is no longer interested in a fling with you? I mean, you two really weren't 'friends' - you knew him all of a day before the flirting and all started. Put him out of your mind and don't email him anymore. Find someone else who you can put your energy into, and make sure he is single this time. Fooled, I completely get what you're saying and why you're saying it. But I can also feel what the OP is feeling. None of it is rational... none of it is based on reality. None of it is based on sound, well-thought-out expectations. I think that for many of us, we embark on the A not really thinking past the moment. You are caught up in the feeling of being adored, of being desired... of getting attention from someone. The future isn't thought about for many reasons, the biggest being that there isn't an easy answer. Laura, what you're feeling is normal. You're coming off of some serious emotional attachment. You need to push yourself to get over him. You can do it. Most men in A's do what your MM did.... resort to protecting their asses. It's common. Feel blessed that you're getting out when you are. Best of luck.
tami-chan Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Hi laura, welcome. This is a great site. You can learn a lot from other people's experiences here and CAN find support but like what jennie-jennie said, this IS a public forum and some will post to mock, to judge and sometimes just to inflict pain. We all are just trying to deal with the pain we feel the only way we know how....hopefully we can all heal or be healed in time.... Having said that, I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. Please do not beat yourself up. Look at it this way, at least you were not in it for a long time. You can now start to pick up the pieces and start moving on with your life. The relationship you had with that man is a glitch, make sure you write him off of your life. He does not deserve you. Keep posting.
chaos consultant Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Hi Laura, I'm new to this site too but it seems to be pretty awesome so far and I hope we can both get the help/support we're looking for from it. as far as advice goes I'd say that you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. You have the right to be as picky as you want and I believe you feel like you lost something by losing what you had with this guy but, there are lots of better men out there for you if you can get past what you're feeling right now to look around. Don't give up and best wishes
Jacky Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Hi Laura, Welcome to the forum, some of us have been or are in the same situations as you so you should be able to find the help and support you are looking for. Like BNB said, just take what you need and ignore the rest.
fooled once Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Not sure what I said that was so bad except maybe it would be best to find a single guy to flirt with, have sex with and maybe have a relationship with. BUT, if that isn't what you are looking for -- good luck with finding another married guy. You will experience what you are going through right now. Being sad. Being resentful. Being lonely. Being second. But if that is what makes you happy --- happy hunting for another married man!
Author Laura123 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Not sure what I said that was so bad except maybe it would be best to find a single guy to flirt with, have sex with and maybe have a relationship with. BUT, if that isn't what you are looking for -- good luck with finding another married guy. You will experience what you are going through right now. Being sad. Being resentful. Being lonely. Being second. But if that is what makes you happy --- happy hunting for another married man! No, it's not what I want. Of course it would be best a single guy, I hate all of this. I've been single for almost 4 years now, it had been 3 years since I had sex with anyone before I did with him. I was fed up not living. Asked out on dates occasionally from the dregs of society. How I managed to attract such **** into my life I don't know. This one was at least good looking and pursued me. I was and am lonely. It's easier said than done going out and finding a decent single guy. No, I don't want another married man, I want to get married and have kids because that's what I'm worth. Not a guy who can barely be bothered with me and to be perfectly angry I spend most of my time angry at him. He is a pure hypocrite and I don't want to hear about his family holidays because I'm jealous. Not of his life but I want all that for myself. No he can't give me it, but he was a distraction away from how crap my life is and how most of the time I would rather be dead than being living this crap life day in, day out, struggling along with no happiness or fun in it at all. So I'll just go and find the single queue of decent guys...oh wait, it isn't there, and I have tried. Does that mean I want a married man? of course it doesn't. I just wanted to not be me and my unhappy life for a while. It lasted about a month. Thanks to those who didn't rip into me. My confidence isn't great after the physically abusive relationship with the ex-boyfriend, being single for so long, he just gave me a sticking plaster on being lonely.
jennie-jennie Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 (edited) I hear you, honey, I know just what you are talking about. BTDT - abusive boyfriend and all. Just wanted to let you know that I understand and sympathize. ((((Laura)))) Edited November 14, 2009 by jennie-jennie
Author Laura123 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 I hear you, honey, I know just what you are talking about. BTDT - abusive boyfriend and all. Just wanted to let you know that I understand and sympathize. ((((Laura)))) Thanks, it's appreciated. I like your tag line, I am unapologetic and yep it was good chemistry. He has given me 3 months of the only truly fun and happy 6 months of the past 10 years, the rest has been a pure struggle. It hurts now but I don't regret it. A single can that can give me what I want is obviously better but easier said than done. If it was that simple there would be a lot of happier people, and I'm a person who says if you want to do it do it, I don't take anything lying down, but I'm tired and you can't make someone like/love you.
jennie-jennie Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 You seem to have the same outlook on life as I do. In my opinion that is the correct way to look at an EMR in the past: without regret, remembering the good times. Take care!
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 No, it's not what I want. Of course it would be best a single guy, I hate all of this. I've been single for almost 4 years now, it had been 3 years since I had sex with anyone before I did with him. I was fed up not living. Asked out on dates occasionally from the dregs of society. How I managed to attract such **** into my life I don't know. Because you were/are lonely and he pursued you. OFcourse it feels good to be desired by someone..Problem is, this guy IS going to make you feel lonelier because he's married and can only give you parts of him, on his time frame. And, you deserve MORE than that! The whole package! Though you aren't going to get that from him..Ever. This one was at least good looking and pursued me. I was and am lonely But he's married.. It's easier said than done going out and finding a decent single guy. No, I don't want another married man, I want to get married and have kids because that's what I'm worth. Not a guy who can barely be bothered with me and to be perfectly angry I spend most of my time angry at him. He is a pure hypocrite and I don't want to hear about his family holidays because I'm jealous. Not of his life but I want all that for myself. No he can't give me it, but he was a distraction away from how crap my life is and how most of the time I would rather be dead than being living this crap life day in, day out, struggling along with no happiness or fun in it at all. It's better to be alone and surrounded by good friends and family than dabble in an affair which is going to mess you up in the long run. No good can come of this..You want kids, a marriage ..He cannot provide that for you! The thing is, you chose to be with him knowing full well he's married. If you choose to be an OW, then you have to accept the rest .. That he is married, has a life with his wife, kids, family..A whole HUGE part of his life that you're not involved in. Noone is holding a gun to your head keeping you in this affair. If you're unhappy and feel you deserve better, then end it, heal and find a man who can offer you everything, not just bits and pieces on his time frame. You know what's what, so end it and heal.. Find someone who will love and adore you, someone you won't have to share..I hope you find that because staying in the affair IS going to kill who you are and make you miserable. So I'll just go and find the single queue of decent guys...oh wait, it isn't there, and I have tried. Does that mean I want a married man? of course it doesn't. I just wanted to not be me and my unhappy life for a while. It lasted about a month. As I'm reading here, has the A totally ended? Anyway, stay strong. You ARE worthy of love...Just don't go looking for it too hard..When you're ready and the timing is better, a good guy will come into your life. In the meantime, enjoy being single! Go out and have fun, with friends, family and go on dates. Gain experience, self confidence and don't let this MM or any other guy make you feel insecure! Thanks to those who didn't rip into me. My confidence isn't great after the physically abusive relationship with the ex-boyfriend, being single for so long, he just gave me a sticking plaster on being lonely. He provided something for a while, but in the long run, being with him is and has caused you more pain.
Author Laura123 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Because you were/are lonely and he pursued you. OFcourse it feels good to be desired by someone..Problem is, this guy IS going to make you feel lonelier because he's married and can only give you parts of him, on his time frame. And, you deserve MORE than that! The whole package! Though you aren't going to get that from him..Ever. But he's married.. It's better to be alone and surrounded by good friends and family than dabble in an affair which is going to mess you up in the long run. No good can come of this..You want kids, a marriage ..He cannot provide that for you! The thing is, you chose to be with him knowing full well he's married. If you choose to be an OW, then you have to accept the rest .. That he is married, has a life with his wife, kids, family..A whole HUGE part of his life that you're not involved in. Noone is holding a gun to your head keeping you in this affair. If you're unhappy and feel you deserve better, then end it, heal and find a man who can offer you everything, not just bits and pieces on his time frame. You know what's what, so end it and heal.. Find someone who will love and adore you, someone you won't have to share..I hope you find that because staying in the affair IS going to kill who you are and make you miserable. As I'm reading here, has the A totally ended? Anyway, stay strong. You ARE worthy of love...Just don't go looking for it too hard..When you're ready and the timing is better, a good guy will come into your life. In the meantime, enjoy being single! Go out and have fun, with friends, family and go on dates. Gain experience, self confidence and don't let this MM or any other guy make you feel insecure! He provided something for a while, but in the long run, being with him is and has caused you more pain. I don't have good friends here or family. I have a few family members that I am close to and see regularly, a friend 500 miles away that I speak to every week. All the friends I came back to here turned out not to be friends really at all and getting to know people just hasn't worked. Feels like I'm failing every time and I know that if things worked out in other areas he wouldn't really be on my mind. We were physical for almost 4 months, and we still email, albeit weekly now. I know if someone else came along, I wouldn't care anymore cause it's fading in the past now. All it does now is hurt like mad when it takes a long time for him to reply to my emails. If someone decent asked me out on dates, I'd go, it's not happening though and I would never have gone down that path with him, much as I don't regret it, if other things had been working out.
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