Lotus78 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Hi all I am new to the boards. I found the site while searching the web for words of wisdom to help me with the pain of having broken up with my boyfriend of 2 years off and on. Long story short...I moved down south for school and he was adamant that he did not want to have a long distance relationship, however he stuck around (by this I mean we spoke frequently and saw each other whenever I went back home)... although he always reminded me that we were no longer bf and gf. He's young so I decided to let him have it his way since I truly believed that we were going to work it out. Then 2 weeks after we last saw each other he was acting a bit strange. Deep down inside I felt that something was going on and I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he admitted to it. What hurts me the most is the way he went about it. Whenever we were about to see each other I would always ask if he was seeing someone, we both did this. We promised each other that if one of us were to find someone else we would let the other person know...however when it came down to it, he didn't. I had my freakouts before and would often tell him that he needed to decide and tell me if this was what he really wanted, he would often skirt the issue and give me mixed messages. After my "freakouts" we would stop talking for a while, but he would always call me. After the last one (I sent him an email) I never heard back from him...I found this strange and a couple of days later asked him THE question. When he admitted to it I was devastated...and still am. This was about four months ago, and now I learn that he is engaged to his new girlfriend. Everytime I contact him now, in a desperate search for something anything, he always seems so aloof and cold...this hurts so much because I feel he has changed so much since all of this happened. I feel like all the progress that I'd made in the last four months is all gone..I'm back a square one and just can't seem to shake this funk. He is the first person I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to bed at night. I don't know what to do, I really want to get over him, and have tried everything, from therapy, to meditation, dating, etc. How do you begin to heal a broken heart that doesn't want to budge?!?!?!?!
Author Lotus78 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I really need some advise, some perspective, I feel so stuck and paralyzed...this is relly starting to affect me socially and in school, and that is something that cannot happen! I just don't know what to do, this morning I had to literally force myself to brush my teeth! I slept in my street clothes and am still in them. I have started doing some schoolwork, so I guess that says something, no?
littlebittle Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 My breakup with my first boyfriend was similar in some ways. We were young and doing long distance when I went away to college. Things weren't exactly great between us, but I really felt like I needed him and I loved him. He broke up with me very suddenly, and he was really hurtful. I was devastated. I had to leave school in the middle of the Spring semester because I was too depressed to do anything. There were other issues going on in my life, but I had used my relationship as a crutch and I had avoided a lot of my problems. I was just a total mess. After about 3 months of little contact, I tried to be his friend. I was absolutely not over him. I ended up feeling even more hurt than I had before. It was just awful. It wasn't until I cut off all contact with him completely (about 6 months after we broke up), that I was able to start to heal. This is a really hard time for you. The best thing you can do, for starters, is cut off all contact with him. Hearing about his new relationship, and how he's ok and moving on will only be painful for you. The next thing that you have to understand is that it's going to take time to get over this. But you'll do it. It will be hard for awhile (for me, it was hard for 2 years after we broke up), but time and distance give you perspective. It will get better. It helps if you can surround yourself with friends. Try to do things that make you feel good about yourself. I know you feel awful right now, and that's ok. But remember that you're young, and this is YOUR life. If I have one regret from that first breakup, it would be that I wasted so much time crying over this dumb kid, when I should have been living my life.
symbol Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Lotus78, why are you still contacting him? Are you sure you really REALLY accept that it's over between you and your ex? You cannot start healing unless you accept that it's over. I know it hurts to accept it but denial will hurt more in the long run... My ex and I broke up 4 years ago. He was my first love and we were together for 7.5 years, the last 2 being long distance... When he broke up with me over the phone, I was devastated. I kept calling him for a week to change his mind but soon I realized it was over for him. Then I started NC and it helped me a lot with my healing. The fact that you're in different cities is actually a blessing because it minimizes the chances for accidental contact. But you got to stop calling him. Accept that it is over and understand that you're now starting a new phase in your life. Time and distance is on your side. You'll feel better soon, if you let yourself. Hugs
Author Lotus78 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 My breakup with my first boyfriend was similar in some ways. We were young and doing long distance when I went away to college. Things weren't exactly great between us, but I really felt like I needed him and I loved him. He broke up with me very suddenly, and he was really hurtful. I was devastated. I had to leave school in the middle of the Spring semester because I was too depressed to do anything. There were other issues going on in my life, but I had used my relationship as a crutch and I had avoided a lot of my problems. I was just a total mess. After about 3 months of little contact, I tried to be his friend. I was absolutely not over him. I ended up feeling even more hurt than I had before. It was just awful. It wasn't until I cut off all contact with him completely (about 6 months after we broke up), that I was able to start to heal. This is a really hard time for you. The best thing you can do, for starters, is cut off all contact with him. Hearing about his new relationship, and how he's ok and moving on will only be painful for you. The next thing that you have to understand is that it's going to take time to get over this. But you'll do it. It will be hard for awhile (for me, it was hard for 2 years after we broke up), but time and distance give you perspective. It will get better. It helps if you can surround yourself with friends. Try to do things that make you feel good about yourself. I know you feel awful right now, and that's ok. But remember that you're young, and this is YOUR life. If I have one regret from that first breakup, it would be that I wasted so much time crying over this dumb kid, when I should have been living my life. See it's so hard to surround my self with friends, becuase the friends that I do have are from my program at school, and we are all so busy that I really don't want to be a burden on anyone. I think that this is why it is so hard for me to get over this, because I'm so so isolated from my friends and family back home in the Northeast. Every time I go back up there I feel like I've make progress, and then when I come back I end up in the same lonely spot. You are both totally right, though, I need to stop texting him, and crying, over him, I need to stop avoiding life, but it is so so so so so so difficult, because deep down inside I am still pining for him, thinking that he will change his mind. I hate being this person, this clingy, this needy, somehow I became that with him. Before him I thought I was so strong, maybe I was just fooling myself. I don't know. Yesterday I made a pact to myself that I was going to delete every picture that I have of his! I want to erase that part of my life completely in order to move forward. BUT IT IS SO SO SO HARD. I don't think I have been this depressed over something/one! Somehow, though, I know I am going to be alright...I just need to stop trying to rush the process. I need to be able to sit with the pain and know that things will eventually get better. I'm glad I found this board, hopefully it will help me along the process. Thank you both for your words .
symbol Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 See it's so hard to surround my self with friends, becuase the friends that I do have are from my program at school, and we are all so busy that I really don't want to be a burden on anyone. I think that this is why it is so hard for me to get over this, because I'm so so isolated from my friends and family back home in the Northeast. Every time I go back up there I feel like I've make progress, and then when I come back I end up in the same lonely spot. You are both totally right, though, I need to stop texting him, and crying, over him, I need to stop avoiding life, but it is so so so so so so difficult, because deep down inside I am still pining for him, thinking that he will change his mind. I hate being this person, this clingy, this needy, somehow I became that with him. Before him I thought I was so strong, maybe I was just fooling myself. I don't know. Yesterday I made a pact to myself that I was going to delete every picture that I have of his! I want to erase that part of my life completely in order to move forward. BUT IT IS SO SO SO HARD. I don't think I have been this depressed over something/one! Somehow, though, I know I am going to be alright...I just need to stop trying to rush the process. I need to be able to sit with the pain and know that things will eventually get better. I'm glad I found this board, hopefully it will help me along the process. Thank you both for your words . When my ex broke up with me, I was working like crazy on my PhD and my family was in another country!!! It is hard without the support of friends and family. I did have one friend though, who helped me quite a bit. If you don't have anyone to talk to, you might want to talk to a counselor. It feels good to get things off your chest. Of course you're strong. And you know what, you'll feel stronger when you look back and see how much you have accomplished. One of the things I learned during the process of getting over my ex was that life could throw anything at me, and I would still stand tall! If you can't delete things, how about copying them on a DVD and putting the DVD some place you can't easily access? Same thing with physical things you might be keeping. Put them all in a box, and put the box out of your sight.
Author Lotus78 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 When my ex broke up with me, I was working like crazy on my PhD and my family was in another country!!! It is hard without the support of friends and family. I did have one friend though, who helped me quite a bit. If you don't have anyone to talk to, you might want to talk to a counselor. It feels good to get things off your chest. Of course you're strong. And you know what, you'll feel stronger when you look back and see how much you have accomplished. One of the things I learned during the process of getting over my ex was that life could throw anything at me, and I would still stand tall! If you can't delete things, how about copying them on a DVD and putting the DVD some place you can't easily access? Same thing with physical things you might be keeping. Put them all in a box, and put the box out of your sight. I too am working on my Ph.D and more times than not, I blame how things turned out on my decision to move down here for it. I know this is totally irrational though, and will be able to see that once I rise above the fog. About the counselor, I have been seeing one, but I am really considering switching him for someone else. He's very psychoanalytically inclined and very much does the whole blank slate thing to get me to transfer stuff. I don't know if I am being resistant, or what, maybe this is a part of his plan, but I find myself avoiding going in and cancelling alot. I am thinking about going next week and talking to him about this, maybe right now, I need someone who is more person-centered, who knows. This is so much work. No I think I am at the point where everything needs to get deleted, otherwise, I'll find a way to access the box, pop in the cd, and ruminate over it. That's another thing, my self-control...totally gone! That's why it all needs to disappear. Thanks again for your kind words Symbol.
symbol Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I too am working on my Ph.D and more times than not, I blame how things turned out on my decision to move down here for it. I know this is totally irrational though, and will be able to see that once I rise above the fog. About the counselor, I have been seeing one, but I am really considering switching him for someone else. He's very psychoanalytically inclined and very much does the whole blank slate thing to get me to transfer stuff. I don't know if I am being resistant, or what, maybe this is a part of his plan, but I find myself avoiding going in and cancelling alot. I am thinking about going next week and talking to him about this, maybe right now, I need someone who is more person-centered, who knows. This is so much work. No I think I am at the point where everything needs to get deleted, otherwise, I'll find a way to access the box, pop in the cd, and ruminate over it. That's another thing, my self-control...totally gone! That's why it all needs to disappear. Thanks again for your kind words Symbol. It's so interesting to see similarities in different people's stories... So, my ex and I applied to grad school at the same time. He got into the top program in the country and I got into a top 20 one. But I also had offers from other schools, all top 30, so not bad. And if I had chosen one of the others, I could have been only 1 hour away from my ex rather than 3 hours by plane! After the break up, and even now, I blame myself for choosing the far away program... But the thing is, I don't know how things would have been if we were closer geographically. And honestly the break up could have been harder for me if there was always a chance of running into him afterwards. As I've said before, being far away is a blessing, and you should take advantage of it! Had you not moved away for grad school, things could have been different but you don't know if it would've been for the better or the worse. Thinking about our choices in the past is a good exercise if they teach us lessons we could use in the future. But if they don't teach us lessons, it's better to leave them in the past and change our focus to the present and the future... If you're not comfortable with your counselor, I think you should definitely let him know about this and perhaps find another one. This is a phase in your life where you have to put your best interests first. And if deleting everything is going to help you move on, I'd say "just do it!"
littlebittle Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I felt the same way after my ex and I broke up. I thought I was this thick-skinned person, and I couldn't believe the way I just fell apart. But no one is so one-dimensional, and you're only human. Maybe this is your first real heartbreak, and if it is, your feelings are perfectly natural. I went to a counselor after that breakup, it really helped. It's important to find a counselor who suits you and your needs. Different therapists use different techniques, and those techniques work well for different issues. It might suit you to see a behavioral therapist as opposed to a psychoanalyst. A good therapist for this situation would be someone who can give you better insight into your feelings and behavior, but also give you guidance for how to adjust that behavior. When you start to change the way you react to your pain, the pain itself will also change and diminish. For me, therapy helped me heal more quickly. And even better than that in the long run, it also gave me better insight into who I am.
littlebittle Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Oh, and when shopping around for a new counselor, you should tell him or her your main reason for going to therapy, and what you'd like to accomplish. You can also ask the counselor what kind of techniques he or she uses. This might save you from someone who just sits there and says "And how do you feel about that?" to everything you say! Good luck, you're gonna be ok.
Author Lotus78 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Thank you guys so much...So true Symbol. I always say "things happen for a reason right?" If I would have stayed things would have probably ended up the same way, we would have just been closer to each other. It's funny because I'm training to be a psychologist...so I'm even harded on myself for it. I will talk to my therapist, I really do need someone who well let me come up with my own insight, but who is there to help me along the process...my therapist just sits there and nods! You're all awesome, I feel so much better than I did this morning!
symbol Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 One thing I learned through all this is that it's not the time to be hard on yourself. Let yourself feel the emotions and be a human being just like everyone else! I think you should definitely find a counselor that first better with your needs. I don't know too much about the different techniques they use and what not but clearly you don't like your current counselor's approach, so just let him know that. And also, your counselor does not have the answers for you. I think they're there to nod on what you say and perhaps ask the questions you don't ask yourself. The answers are always within you though...
Author Lotus78 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 One thing I learned through all this is that it's not the time to be hard on yourself. Let yourself feel the emotions and be a human being just like everyone else! I think you should definitely find a counselor that first better with your needs. I don't know too much about the different techniques they use and what not but clearly you don't like your current counselor's approach, so just let him know that. And also, your counselor does not have the answers for you. I think they're there to nod on what you say and perhaps ask the questions you don't ask yourself. The answers are always within you though... Very true.
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