Marriage on rocks and sanity decreasing

[kdmitchell]

First let me say hello, first time here and to be honest, never thought I've be having to do this ;(

 

I'm in an issue and I don't know how to handle this or where to do. My Wife has been acting odd the last few months and I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with her. To get to the point, she basically told me that she doesn't love me like she used to and that she's trying to find out how to do that again. I know that having children takes a toll on her, but it's something she's always wanted. We have 2 children right now, a 7 year old and a 1 year old, who we both love dearly, though I fear that with the children, she has lost how to love me.

 

She's says things like we don't do stuff any more. We don't go out, we don't do this, we don't do that. When I try to suggest something she never has an ideas. This has been impacting me hard, it's all I think about. When your wife tells you that she doesn't love you or when she say you don't turn her on anymore. I figured she's having issues and alot on her mind and I do get her to talk, but when she does,all it does it tear me apart. There's so many things coming out and its basically a shocker, but the thing of it all is that she doesn't know what she wants. She's like one part of me knows I have to stay, the other wants to leave. Then all she talks about is the kids and I want my kids to be happy, what are we going to do. It's always about the kids anymore.

When I have to fight to get a hug or a kiss, it gets to the point where one asks if it's worth it. I took a vow to love her til death and even before that I vowed to love her. I'll admit we did marriage at some point for our first born, but I told her before that if I truely did not love her, then I would not have done it.

I've been there everyday, every step. I agree there are some things I may not be the best in and sure, I may not hold her hand though everything, but that's what being an adult is about. I don't know what else I can do. But yet she says she'd rather stay together for her kids. I'm not about that. If you aren't happy, then you shouldn't stay in the relationship. Yet she says she doesn't want to split. I'm so confused and scared and hurt at the same time, but I don't think she's taking anything into consideration except for herself and the kids. I told her to go see a doctor, she may be having an issue with depression, but again she's not listening. She gets mad at me for stupid stuff and then acts like she didn't do anything. Her body language is another thing. I keep telling her people can tell when she's upset or has something on her mind, of course she doesn't believe that either.

At times she complains that I'm on the computer alot. Yes, I am. Other than the fact that all my friends are there and we talk, since none of them are local anymore, I feel it bothers her. But at the same time, when i'm constantly rejected by her, or she's to busy for me, or on the phone or with the kids, what am I supposed to do? Get off of work, get the kids and go out on the street? We are both 33 years I don't exactly want to go hang out on the corner. I want to be with my family.

Then she gets on me again about me not turning her on. Serisouly, she's always saying that people are lookin at me, though I never pay attention, i never have. I focus on the one I'm with, yet she states we don't have sex.... but If she says that I don't turn her on, you don't want to have sex with me, so how does that work? Its not that I'm not attractive, I am and only have eyes for her. I've never once thought about cheating on her, but recently even though I want this to work, I miss the love I used to get and I hate this feeling of despair. She constantly rejects me or gives me the cold shoulder, I don't get it. I can't hug her or kiss her whenver, it's just when she feels like it. It's like a battle just to get a kiss goodbye in the morning. On the sex front, when we did have it, it was restricted to certain things. That hurt as well, I saved majority of my sex life for my marriage, while it seems she enjoyed it more when she was younger. Now it's, I'm too old for that or this. Too old to have some sex and enjoy it? That's new by me.

I can't stand this and I don't understand this at all. All this with less than a week to go before our 8th anniversay as well. I've been loving, and always beside her no matter what. I've been there for her whenever she needed me, I love being her hushand and being there but I don't what to do anymore. I'm tired of breaking down and crying cause I'm lost and scared. I can't get out of my head what she said to me. I've always taken her hury though the years and just either bottled it or ignored it. I just don't know what to do and how to do it without hurting myself, my wife or my kids. Hell I could see if I cheated and had an affair, but you know me, I'm not like that. I was raised to respect my wife, but in the end being the good guy gets you burnt.

What's driving me up the wall the most is that she's never said she wants to end it. She keeps saying it's her or that there's something she needs to do to get over it or that she needs like remember how to love me again. Come again? I don't know if I should try to hug / hold her anymore for fear that she might snap at me or just let me hold her. It's like I'm dealing with a new born for the first time. When I ask her if she wants me to leave, she says no, she doesn't want that...... So I'm deeply confused.

My Wife may not be the most attractive woman in the world, or the smartest, but she doesn't have to be. She has my heart and I always tell her that. There isn't anyone in this world I'd rather be with, not a soul that I would rather rest with. I just don't know how to get through to her anymore. I feel that she believes that either the spark is gone or there is something that she longs for. I don't know if she misses her times when she was younger or what. I don't if it's due to the children or if she's suffering from sort of depression (which I was about by others who have been taking medicine for depression).

I realize there is no "magic" fix, all I know is I want my loving wife back and I'm willing to do what I can to accomplish it, if possible. I'm already starting to look for a marriage counsler, but with no people to talk to about this, I'm really cautious in this as well.

 

There hasn't been a day since all this started that I haven't broken down and cried. This is just such a blow to me, I thought I was doing everything right. I raise my kids right, brought a house for my family, put my wife above anything else and now.... I don't know what to do. Moving to dangerous waters I've been having suicidal tendencies as well.

 

Confused, lonely, scared and lost.

Edited October 24, 2009 by kdmitchell

[Trojan John]

I'm not sure where you live, but try to find a marriage councelor quickly, and even one for yourself.

 

Suicide is not the answer.

 

There is always an alternative.

[lostlove1]

If the ages were different and the number of kids you have were different, I would swear that you were my husband.....this is my perspective and maybe your wifes....

 

I am in kind of the same situation, I have a small child and I feel very very very angry. Having a child who is two has caused somewhat of a distance in our marriage, there are other issues as well, as I have posted.....but I can understand the feelings that you are talking about.

 

I do feel that with women it does change who we are when we have children. I'm not sure if your spouse works or not, but I know that myself being a full time mom, I am exhausted, and I feel that husband does not participate enough. He does not help when he gets home, and he is distant. He claims he has to wind down from work, but ummmm I work almost 24/7 without a fricken break........and he too engages in his computer and ignores me and our child. I want to just burn the laptop because he ignores us....so of course this causes even more hostility and anger.

 

I sometimes that it would just be best if he left and gave me some space. I would rather have him not really here then hanging around ignoring me and my child. Because of my anger I don't want him to touch me and I sure don't want to make love with him, because I am so angry......very resentful.

 

Maybe this is somewhat like your situation?? I'm not sure, but I hope it help a little. But I agree, seek some help for yourself, because you are worth it.

[The Midnight Rider]

Suicide solves nothing.

 

Let me say this again in case you missed it the first time.

 

SUICIDE SOLVES NOTHING!

 

Do you hate your children so much so to leave them without you? I should hope not. Seek counseling NOW. Don't wait until tomorrow. Don't wait until after lunch. Don't even wait until you get dressed. You have issues with the possible demise of your marriage, but ending your life will not just end yours, but your children's, family's, and friend's lives as well.

 

Next, your right. Your wife needs counseling also. One minute your what's wrong and the next minute, she's what's wrong. The problem is that there is something wrong and she doesn't know what it is. She doesn't want to go and she doesn't want to stay. She wants you but she doesn't want to. I venture to think situations like this is why God made bars. Now, please note that I didn't say you need marriage counseling, I said SHE needs counseling. She has some things she is going to have to work through herself and you may not be a part of this. Stand the hell by, buddy, because your in for a bumpy ride. That being said, your gonna have to reach down and find your brass ones for this one, but your gonna have to be the leader until she gets her act together.

 

Drowning people have a tendency to reach out to somebody else, flail around and drown the person who is trying to save them. Don't be that lifeguard. Reach down for those brass ones again and let her know that since you love her as much as you do, tell her that you are willing to give her as much space as she needs as long as a) she doesn't cheat and b) she seeks some counseling. Be open to seeing the counselor with her (if you go, don't defend your positions. Just answer honestly what you think and feel). Don't try to save her because she will try to drown you too. Wait until she stops flailing around and then be there for her.

 

Don't be disheartened, just hold on and keep heading for the horizon. No matter what happens, everything is gonna be alright as long as YOU keep your head together. Good luck!

[JumpinJimmy]

Dude, get in counseling ASAP. The issues you're facing are common in marriage, and it will work out. Your kids need and love you.....as you are...unconditionally.

[kdmitchell]

Hello All. Thanks for the posts and I don't plan on killing myself, I got to much to live for and yes, I love my kids. I've just been trying to make it work. had a nice night at altantic city and then once we got back home, it went to hell again. Just had a conversation with her, basically her telling me that I'm controlling and that I throw things from her past in her face and that I don't give her space. Though she told me not to give her space.... That Its my fault the relationship is having issues, that its my fault that she lost herself, that it's my fault that I'm to controlling. I didn't know that being protective of her and my family was controlling. I wasn't aware tht giving a damn about her well being was a wrong thing.

 

Its like for everything she says, she has an excuse. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm trying for the sake of me and the children. Now, I don't know. I don't want a divorce, yet I don't want to be stuck in a relationship that is going down the tubes.

 

She tells me that she's like a house wife and does everything. Yet I'm the one who deals with the children, cooks, cleans ( we both do) and laundry. I can clearly see that she's not the person she used to be when it comes to the home. How am I supposed to give her space when she tells me not to, when I usually have to talk her to and from work, that I have to take her places because she doesn't have a car? How am I supposed to give her space when we live in the same house? Its basically her telling me one thing and then expecting another. I truely am lost here.

 

The last shocker that she said was why do you think I kept her last name. Well my reply was that you told me that you wanted to kept it and I didn't have any reason why you shouldn't.

 

It just seems like its one reason after another. But ultimately she says she's not happy cause she lost herself. How am I supposed to be able to do anything for that? All she keeps saying is let's make it through christmas, which is it odd since its the holiday and all that christmas cheer and love and what not....... Take it one day at a time she says.

 

Finally she tries to throw my ex into the mix. I stopped her real quick with that. My ex has never been on my mind, she did her dirt and we split and that was over 10 years ago. Sure we talk via email every once in a while as we did we become friends again. She's happily married and I'm glad for her, but I thought I had found my happiness, but she's never been anything more than another person I know in life. I can't see how my wife is threatened by that.

 

I honestly don't know what to do, but this is really started to upset me and take me out of my happy / tolerate zone. But I will give her the space she wants, and I'll let her see that the grass isn't always greener. But that also means I'm not helping her do anything, I'll make it that I don't exist. I'll just take care of the kids and me, so if ever needs me for anything, she's screwed.

Edited November 10, 2009 by kdmitchell

[kdmitchell]

Well, after talking (texting) more she seems pretty sure that she either wants out or separation. Then proceeds to say that she can move into the basement. My initial reaction to this to myself was to tell her now, if she can't accept me, she needs to get out of my home (since it's in my name and my fathers). Guess I'll have to either get a lawyer or talk to her to see if she wants to end this peacefully, but it doesn't seem that she wants to stay together.

 

I just don't get it. She has nothing in this state and if I kicked her out, she has nowhere to go, I can't do that to her. But at the same time I need to rebuild my life and get my things in order to do this without her, which is going to be an ordeal as I can't even type this without starting to break down. I really wish she could see how this is affecting me and realize that it isn't all about her and that a marriage is two people. How much does one how to compromise honestly? How much of my life did I have to change to attempt to make her happy? I lost my friends, now I lost my wife. I was never the club hoping person or the most social so I fear that once she is gone, that's it. It will just be me and my children. I don't even want to think about it.

 

Some people have no damned clue what marriage means anymore. its not a title, it doesn't give you the right to destroy another person's life and make them miserable.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Some people have no damned clue what marriage means anymore. its not a title, it doesn't give you the right to destroy another person's life and make them miserable.

 

Women are crazy. Just a fact of life.

 

Are you just going to throw in the towel like that?

 

Clearly there are some things she needs you to change, and some things you need her to change. Maybe if you both promise to communicate and work hard to make those changes for each other... this can be saved.

[kdmitchell]

Women are crazy. Just a fact of life.

 

Are you just going to throw in the towel like that?

 

Clearly there are some things she needs you to change, and some things you need her to change. Maybe if you both promise to communicate and work hard to make those changes for each other... this can be saved.

 

If I knew what to change, I would attempt to do it. but when she says I don't do something and when I ask that it is I'm not doing, I get no reply. So I'm supposed to know what I'm doing wrong..... which makes perfect sense

 

I've been trying to get her to change for the past 8 years and she's never changed anything, which only makes it harder on me. Sure I want to try counseling, but if all its going to do is drive me to the poor house (and I'm halfway there) then is it worth it? Both people need to make it work and if the other doesn't, is there even hope?