Together for 7 years, engaged for 1, unhappy, need to make a life-changing decision

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She does not orgasm and thus does not enjoy sex..... Please let's not get into a conversation that it is okay to not orgasm and enjoy sex..... No orgasms ever, no oral means sex is not ultimately fulfilling....

 

And to OP, the fact she does not orgasm after 7 years does not raise a red flag or is not even worth noting in a single one of your posts? That too seems an issue..... A really big one.....

[giotto]

if MC doesn't solve your issues, at least you'll have a clearer picture of the situation and you will be able to take an informed decision. Like this, you are just obesssing about the IFs and BUTs...

[Angel1111]

BD,

I am not going to debate philosophy with you. She dislikes sex more then she loves you. Why that is - can be debated endlessly - just not by me.

 

Go to the experienceproject website. Go to the group on sexless marriages and read the forums and the stories. Then come back.

 

You keep asking an interesting question which is - can your wife change her behavior if you apply intense pressure - and anything you do now - pre wedding is by definition a lot of pressure. WHO CARES. The only thing that matters is how she will behave once you are locked in holy matrimony. And you already know the answer.

 

The fact is you have accepted her for this long because you are conflict avoidant. No guy who is comfortable with conflict would have gotten to where you are.

 

I wish you luck. You knew what to do before you posted. I think you were hoping we would post telling you that it could work. That way you could proceed down this path, avoid conflict, and somehow tell yourself that it is ok. But - sadly that is not what happened. So instead you are now trying - despite a mountain of feedback from highly experienced folks, to find some loophole to squeeze through - to avoid conflict.

 

You already should be looking for a job. Like right this second. It might take 6 months. Just get on it. Because you want to have some stuff lined up before she presses you for a date and it all gets ugly.

 

TDP is a very kind man. He is especially kind to women - he would have made a great knight in the middle ages. While I am also a romantic - I am a pragmatist. I dated women like your girl - no oral either way - no orgasms for them. Pretty and smart. Would have intercourse but would not talk about sex. Never wanted to marry them - no way.

 

If you proceed just be honest with yourself. You are doing it because you are avoiding conflict - continuing a 7 year pattern. Don't try to make it about being nice to her. It isn't about that. You are already thinking you will cheat on her because she is so bad in bed.

 

Excellent post!

[Sam Spade]

Skip the counseling...all you're going to do is find out what her sexual hang-ups are and then one of two things will happen:

 

1-The sex will not change.

 

2-It will change long enough for you to marry her and then it will disappear again.

 

Don't do it. Walk away.

 

+1000000.

 

Walk!

 

Also, I agree with many who said that part of the problem is that you are avoiding conflict. This is not a skill that is easily learneed, esp for a young guy. But, you're not so young aymore. And more importantly - trust me, it feels great and liberating to piss people off because of standing up for yourself.

You don't need to be a dick about it, but you have to make it abundantly clear that you will not proceed with something that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. (So they can fucdk off!)

Edited October 26, 2009 by Sam Spade

[HUFI]

This might come across as a bit flippant but it seems to me that the pro's and con's are debated fully enough in the thread so far. Time to Decide.

 

Let me see whats behind door # 1 and door # 2 ....

 

Door 1 - a new life for the price of some guilt and some heart ache?

 

Door 2 - Stay and have regrets and an affair in the future?

 

Hmmm ... what to do? ... Guilt or Regret? ... What to do? .... Hmmm?

 

Choose. Decide. Commit. Period

[glitchathon]

You should end it, and you should do it ASAP. If you are already engaged, everyday that you let this continue is unfair to both of you, and your job/employment should not be a factor.

 

Sex is important, you just need to face that reality. It is not shallow to end a relationship over sexual incompatibility. It would be foolish getting married expecting things to change when all evidence points to it not changing, and likely getting worse. This will consume you for the rest of your life.

[boxdiver]

Thanks to all who have contributed so far. I've made my decision, and I'm going to end it. With that, I have some final questions.

 

1) Her sister is getting married two weeks from Saturday and she is the maid of honor. I want to wait until after, because I know she will have a miserable time. Plus, I don't want to give her father any more fuel to the fire for why he would get me ****canned. My woman, like most, are emotional...but she is more emotional than most I've met. Though her crying could be mistaken for tears of happiness by most, her family will know what she's really crying about.

 

2) Does anyone think I should wait until after Christmas and New Year's?

 

3) One of my best friends is going to move into an apartment soon (a double with one of his friends). I had spoken to him in the past about my relationship problems (he just got out of a relationship himself) and said that we should move in together since he was getting an apt (his ex-wife got the house). However, that was over a month ago..and since then I've backed off the idea. I guess what I'm asking is...is it unfair to my fiancee to tell my best friend first to hold off on his apartment thing because we might be finished soon? Not that he would say anything, but I almost believe I owe her that. On the OTHER hand, me renting a triple vs a single will easily save me $3-400/month (that, and the fact that I won't live alone, which could be depressing). Add another fact that with him and his roomate, we could get a much nicer place than I could on my own.

 

4) I know she'll breakdown worse than before because she'll know this time it's over. How in God's name do I keep myself from not losing it? I am a pretty emotional guy. In addition, do I immediately leave the house after the breakup? I'm obviously not going to tell her to leave (even though her parents live nearby). Also, she's not violent...and I know this could come off as shallow, but I have some pretty valuable things in the house (TV's, different electronics, etc.) that I could see her breaking out of anger. I guess do I just suck it up if something happens to those things?

 

5) What the hell do I do afterwards? I've been out of the game for 7 years. Do I take time off from women? Sleep with random women? Go on vacation by myself? I guess I'm going to be lost.

 

6) Any tips for the first 6mos-1yr to prevent me from calling her? Thinking about her and crying?

 

Thanks.

[Sparty97]

1- Yes, wait until after the wedding.

 

2- No, do not wait until after the holidays.

 

3- This has little to do with your fiance and more to do with your friend. Telling him to hold off is unfair if he already has plans in the works. Otherwise I would proceed with apt. hunting. It will make the whole thing more real for you.

 

4- Feel free to cry. You may be unhappy but you've been a part of each others lives for a long time. As for the "stuff" if you're that worried about it move the stuff out prior to the breakup. Otherwise you take your chances.

 

5- Whatever feels right.

 

6- You're going to think about her, that's unavoidable. I would guess though the real problem will be her calling you.

 

 

Thanks to all who have contributed so far. I've made my decision, and I'm going to end it. With that, I have some final questions.

 

1) Her sister is getting married two weeks from Saturday and she is the maid of honor. I want to wait until after, because I know she will have a miserable time. Plus, I don't want to give her father any more fuel to the fire for why he would get me ****canned. My woman, like most, are emotional...but she is more emotional than most I've met. Though her crying could be mistaken for tears of happiness by most, her family will know what she's really crying about.

 

2) Does anyone think I should wait until after Christmas and New Year's?

 

3) One of my best friends is going to move into an apartment soon (a double with one of his friends). I had spoken to him in the past about my relationship problems (he just got out of a relationship himself) and said that we should move in together since he was getting an apt (his ex-wife got the house). However, that was over a month ago..and since then I've backed off the idea. I guess what I'm asking is...is it unfair to my fiancee to tell my best friend first to hold off on his apartment thing because we might be finished soon? Not that he would say anything, but I almost believe I owe her that. On the OTHER hand, me renting a triple vs a single will easily save me $3-400/month (that, and the fact that I won't live alone, which could be depressing). Add another fact that with him and his roomate, we could get a much nicer place than I could on my own.

 

4) I know she'll breakdown worse than before because she'll know this time it's over. How in God's name do I keep myself from not losing it? I am a pretty emotional guy. In addition, do I immediately leave the house after the breakup? I'm obviously not going to tell her to leave (even though her parents live nearby). Also, she's not violent...and I know this could come off as shallow, but I have some pretty valuable things in the house (TV's, different electronics, etc.) that I could see her breaking out of anger. I guess do I just suck it up if something happens to those things?

 

5) What the hell do I do afterwards? I've been out of the game for 7 years. Do I take time off from women? Sleep with random women? Go on vacation by myself? I guess I'm going to be lost.

 

6) Any tips for the first 6mos-1yr to prevent me from calling her? Thinking about her and crying?

 

Thanks.

[giotto]

Have ever thought that she might be actually happy to hear that you are moving out?

 

I'm joking, obviously, but I would not wait until after the holidays... wedding, yes, but not more...

[glitchathon]

Very likely she is going to tell you that she can change and start experimenting more in the bedroom and go out more. How are you going to prepare yourself for that conversation?

[The Midnight Rider]

Mem, I like the wedding cake joke! And it is so, so true.