the house, the ex-wife, and me, the new girlfriend

[rainyday9]

I guess this might belong in the dating forum but since it has to do with a clause in their divorce I'm hoping some divorcees can help with some advice.

 

During month 2 of our relationship, they drew up the divorce agreements. The ex-wife decides to put in a clause so I can't spend more than a week in their house. (mortgage paid off and he agreed that she owns half)

 

At the time I was offended but tried to shrug it off because I didn't know if I had any right to speak or give my opinion. Even at that time, we BOTH were "in love".

 

just to be clear.. this was a notarized document and not a verbal agreement that his new girlfriend cannot stay in the house for more than a week.

 

He agreed and signed.

 

Now that I have time to analyze about the situation, I am boiling mad. Never met the woman but I bet she's laughing at both of us. Of course, I look like an idiot with no self-respect by keep staying over his place and leaving and coming back and leaving.

 

Is this a common thing to see on divorce agreements???

I'm now hurt. It's been 6 months ago. I know that's a while to boil but I had other pressing things in my life at the time to sit and worry about the ex-wife's control issues.

 

What hurts me the most is that he is still making excuses for her little clause. ie.. "she" might be worried I would not keep the house as clean as she would've liked.

(btw, he's the only one living there and "she" has her own place in another city)

 

My other question is...

is it normal for the ex-wife to sleep over because it's more convenient for her? for example.. she has doctor's appointments nearby and also her job is close so she sleeps over (on the couch of course..)

 

I've always been a very accommodating person. I usually try to stay away from conflict but now I see that the ex-wife is totally walking all over us.

I have no trust issues with my boyfriend and his ex.

 

I really don't know what to think. Should I be more jealous and not let his ex-wife sleep over? It is half of her house after all..

 

btw I have a strong suspicion that she will move back into the old house in the next year and sit on it forever while me and the bf have to find our old place together as a couple. AND the bf will let her do so.

 

and the deeper issue is the fact that the ex has my bf wrapped around her fingers and why the bf is defending her.

i would appreciate any opinions

if you were in my shoes what would you do?..leaving him is out of the question

[trippi1432]

Just have to ask, were they already divorcing when you became the girlfriend?

[delajoonal]

i would like to request more info?

 

i am not sure who is who in this situation?

 

are you, the poster, the gf or OW?

 

is your BF still married, legally, so that would make him you MM?

 

so, were you dating this MM BEFORE divorce papers were filed?

 

there are a lot of holes in this post/thread?

 

before, anyone, well, me i guess, can respond...with any kind of constructive advice or opinion, you need to really fill us in on how your R started with your BF, which i am gathering so far was M when you met?

 

so far, if that is the case, and you BF/MM was having an A with YOU, then i can see why his W is bent and being obstinant about HER house...

 

if this is the case...put yourself in HER/W shoes...how would you feel?

 

so, i could be completely wrong on the above comment...BUT, like i said, need more info on this R before we can say if the W is being a pain in the bum or just jaded and bitter because YOU were having an A with her/W H???

 

will check back..

 

also...i am curious as to what other LS'ers read into this post????

[rainyday9]

separated for a year and divorce already in process. She bought her own house at the start of the separation.

[trippi1432]

Hi Dela,

 

I was sort of getting the feeling as well that there is more to the story.

[trippi1432]

separated for a year and divorce already in process. She bought her own house at the start of the separation.

 

so, at what point of the separation did you start dating this guy?

[rainyday9]

I'm the girlfriend and she moved out way before I was in the picture.

 

by law, they had to be separated for a year before divorce. Divorce was already in process, but not sure what stage. I just remember him telling me he had to go do notarization for that clause during the 2nd month of relationship.

 

I'm not sure about the A word. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Even though they were forced to go through "1 year separation" instead of instant divorce when they both desired... and they didn't want to live with each other... then when one spouse dates during this forced separation, it's called an affair?

[trippi1432]

I'm the girlfriend and she moved out way before I was in the picture.

 

by law, they had to be separated for a year before divorce. Divorce was already in process, but not sure what stage. I just remember him telling me he had to go do notarization for that clause during the 2nd month of relationship.

 

I'm not sure about the A word. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Even though they were forced to go through "1 year separation" instead of instant divorce when they both desired... and they didn't want to live with each other... then when one spouse dates during this forced separation, it's called an affair?

 

It depends on the state you are living in....in my state, it's an 18th century law that each spouse cannot co-habitate or fornicate with another or each other for that one year period. Judges don't really look at it if the affair happens after the separation and there is no proof that the affair was the cause of the separation.

 

The thing is, maybe unreasonable, but he cares enough about her to respect that or she has something on him maybe for him to sign it. I'm asking in my SA that my H respect our son and not bring other women he is dating around him, I am agreeing to the same, for child's benefit. He's agreed to sign it...but he could also not agree as well.

[rainyday9]

well I'm certainly not the cause of their separation since I didn't even know him during that time.

 

they have no children but would totally understand if children were involved. This is a different scenario.

 

Even his mom says the ex-wife is controlling. I didn't think it was any of my business but now it seems she always will be a part of his life.

 

edited to add: it's nice that he respects her since I always knew he was a gentleman, and I never want to cause any conflict. I just somehow feel like deep down she's laughing at both of us knowing she has the control.

Edited October 24, 2009 by rainyday9
add

[whichwayisup]

I think this is more your issue and deep down you ARE jealous and wondering if she is really sleeping on the couch..

 

You are assuming the worst - You think she's laughing at you both, that SHE has control. The thing is, it's their house and he could get a lawyer, buy her out, or they can put the house up for sale. Sorry, but I think there's something more you're not saying, or maybe there's something you don't know, he's keeping from you..

 

Anyway, why not invite her out with you, go to dinner? With him ofcourse.. Get to know her abit, see that she isn't out to get you, isn't screwing him over. You say he respects her, well, I'm sure she respects him as well.

[whichwayisup]

During month 2 of our relationship, they drew up the divorce agreements. The ex-wife decides to put in a clause so I can't spend more than a week in their house. (mortgage paid off and he agreed that she owns half)

 

At the time I was offended but tried to shrug it off because I didn't know if I had any right to speak or give my opinion. Even at that time, we BOTH were "in love".

 

just to be clear.. this was a notarized document and not a verbal agreement that his new girlfriend cannot stay in the house for more than a week.

 

He agreed and signed.

 

This agreement was drawn up 2 MONTHS in your relationship with him. I can understand her feelings of not wanting another woman, ANY woman in (her) house. They did build a life together, that house has her all over the place.. I also can see how you're bugged by it, but it's something you need to work through.. He OK'd it, signed off on it. Obviously 2 months in, he felt his (ex) wife's demands were reasonable not offensive.

 

You may be wary of her, but she may be wary of you too! I mean, she doesn't know you, for she knows, if you and her ex break up, what if you trash the house? Steal something? Seems she's protecting her assets, the house and other things, valuables, furniture in the house..

 

Just my 2cents..

[delajoonal]

well I'm certainly not the cause of their separation since I didn't even know him during that time.

they have no children but would totally understand if children were involved. This is a different scenario.

Even his mom says the ex-wife is controlling. I didn't think it was any of my business but now it seems she always will be a part of his life.

edited to add: it's nice that he respects her since I always knew he was a gentleman, and I never want to cause any conflict. I just somehow feel like deep down she's laughing at both of us knowing she has the control.

rainy..

i am still NOT clear on time lines etc..

 

about the W being in your BF's life forever, even w/o kids, that depends on how long they were M?

she could be IN good w/ HIS family, they could share the same friends, etc.?

 

as for W being controlling...i can tell you as a BS...even when the hurt is gone, there is NO way in HELL that any W wants OW to be all nice and cozy in the same house she/W once lived w/ her H, now YOUR BF.

 

maybe you should talk to your BF about selling out to his XW and then the two of you buy your own house or rent or something?

 

but, ya, i think THAT house, the W will always have some kind of control over...

 

but like i said, i am still not sure about your story, you kinda started at the end:confused:

 

if you submit another post from beginning to end, like when you met your BF, did you know he was M at that time?

how long were THEY M? ( bf and W)

and after only 2 months with this man, and you already feel uncomfortable with his current situation....is he worth it to continue, KNOWING his XW will always be around OR have control over THAT house?

 

ok..hope you post more...

[rainyday9]

I think this is more your issue and deep down you ARE jealous and wondering if she is really sleeping on the couch..

I already am upfront about not being jealous. I completely trust him. I know they both care for each other but that doesn't mean that they want to get together again.

You are assuming the worst - You think she's laughing at you both, that SHE has control. The thing is, it's their house and he could get a lawyer, buy her out, or they can put the house up for sale. Sorry, but I think there's something more you're not saying, or maybe there's something you don't know, he's keeping from you..

He's not keeping anything from me.

 

You are assuming that he can easily buy her out.. doesn't that require her consent? The clause also included that she is allowed to move back into the house if and when she decides to do so.At this point it does seem she will try to move back since it is closer to her new job.

 

so are you saying that he can rip up/renegotiate that notarized document? I really hope so.

 

He doesn't want that house but might need the equity once he decides to buy a new one. I think he should have the right for his half and not allow her to pay it back piece by piece at whatever amount she chooses.

Anyway, why not invite her out with you, go to dinner? With him ofcourse.. Get to know her abit, see that she isn't out to get you, isn't screwing him over. You say he respects her, well, I'm sure she respects him as well.

I'll think about it but clearly she's not giving me a good friendly impression.

[carhill]

if you were in my shoes what would you do?.

 

I'd date him and not worry about his living arrangements or divorce agreements with his stbx.

[rainyday9]

Whichwayisup, thanks for letting me see the other side..that she was wary of me as well.

 

But if I were that kind of person, I do any kind of damage in the house in just one day lol

 

Delajoonal, sorry about skipping some details.

they were married and for a decade so I have no problem w/ them keeping in touch or seeing each other. I was with my ex-BF for the same amt of time too so I can understand that they still care for each other.

 

She never wanted to bond with anyone in his family..she even gave his brother the cold shoulder at the divorce court..not even bother to being polite to the brother who had nothing to do with their break up.

..needless to say, I do not have the impression she wants to sit down for coffee with me any time soon.

 

as for the respect she has for him, it seems to be minimal. From what he tells me the last time they met up, she snapped at him and expected him to basically read her mind. Of course he didn't argue back at her but just rants to me about it.

 

I'm just hurt that he's allowing her to walk all over him and of course, w/ the house, I feel he's allowing her to walk over me and our relationship.

and after only 2 months with this man, and you already feel uncomfortable with his current situation....is he worth it to continue, KNOWING his XW will always be around OR have control over THAT house?

I always thought we were perfect for each other. Sadly since she's so aggressive, I think we will just have to move on and cut our losses w/ his old house.

 

I'd date him and not worry about his living arrangements or divorce agreements with his stbx.

yeah that's what i've been doing..kinda ignoring everything.. but I feel like I completely sacrificed my dignity all this time.

[carhill]

Can I ask you how you sacrifice your dignity by not living with him? What's the rush? Just imagine you never even saw his house. So what? Doesn't sound like he wants it to be his home anyway, moving forward.

 

Just so you know, I'm going through a similar type divorce with similar living arrangements. We don't need a notary to formalize the fact that we don't wish to live with each other anymore and I surely wouldn't be involving a date (I'm not dating anyway, by choice) in our divorce business.

[rainyday9]

Can I ask you how you sacrifice your dignity by not living with him? What's the rush? Just imagine you never even saw his house. So what? Doesn't sound like he wants it to be his home anyway, moving forward.

LOL good point

But I did drag my butt to be with him at his place and had to leave with my tail btw my legs after a week because of his wife's stipulations.

 

funny you mentioned this because during the whole time, I did rationalize that INDIRECTLY, the ex-wife was doing our relationship good because she kept us from not living together 24/7...so that's why I was able to ignore this issue until now.

Just so you know, I'm going through a similar type divorce with similar living arrangements. We don't need a notary to formalize the fact that we don't wish to live with each other anymore and I surely wouldn't be involving a date (I'm not dating anyway, by choice) in our divorce business.

that's what I mean...why did she feel she had to write it up and get it notarized??? nevermind me, it is insulting to him!

[carhill]

Do you really want to get involved in their not so amicable property settlement? TBH, I could see this blowing up in your face. By not settling up front, this could literally go on for years, since she doesn't need the money from the house for her other living quarters. The tone here is unfinished business. I'd be cautious

[RedDevil66]

This sucks, but why can't he just stay at your place and just don't ever go to his place until the air is clear and his ex gets over this?

[delajoonal]

rainy...

 

just from experience...notarized contracts are really not worth the paper they are written on..unless there was representation during signing AND these papers were filed with the courts as part of discovery in the divorce.

 

good luck...you sound frurstrated and like you really just want to start a life with this Man...but it also sounds like you have to figure out just how much trouble HE is worth?

 

good luck and take care...

[Tayla]

Ownership of the house title will come about during the separation of property, assets and debts when divorce is finalized. ANd yes, the judge can order that the house be sold and the profit split.

 

1: Notarizing a document doesn't necessarily make it legal and binding. Sorry that document isnt worth the ink it was written on unless a JUDGE ordered it. And i have yet to see any court rulings that would allow the parties to modify it or stipulate some of the silly stuff you are proclaiming to be true. Seriously have you seen/read the document?? Get a copy of it and take it to a paralegal. They will get one heck of a laugh for the day.

 

When the soon to be EX WIFE left, she left and doesnt get to make the rules now. . Separation is just that! Thus why your post makes little sense, or in my world, is filled with non sense that you are buying into. She may get partial ownership but she doesnt get to say who resides in the abode. She has to have 51% ownership to mandate such accord. How long was there marriage?

 

Emotions aside, get advisal from paralegal. You'd be amazed to find out that as an adult this Lady doesnt have the power she falsely waves at her soon to be ex husband. Him playing the peacemaker isnt helping. He really does come off with plaing both sides and at some point he is going to need to stand up and be accountable.

 

ANd whether you say so or not, break ups are an option.

[FeelingLonely98]

leaving him is out of the question

 

1. Why is leaving him out of the question?

2. Did your BF decide to end his M after he met you and started a relationship? If yes, then you some part in the breakup of the M and I can see her bitterness / resentness.

 

Unless it was a horrid abusive M then usually the OM or OW is the main factor in the breakup.

[imagine]

Marriage IS a promise.

 

His allowing you into a relationship and your disregarding his marriage is disrespectful to God's institution and undermines his integrity regarding commitment to a promise.

 

You may have filled the moments of his loneliness. But you need to butt out until the marriage is disolved.

[BUENG1]

LOL good point

But I did drag my butt to be with him at his place and had to leave with my tail btw my legs after a week because of his wife's stipulations.

 

funny you mentioned this because during the whole time, I did rationalize that INDIRECTLY, the ex-wife was doing our relationship good because she kept us from not living together 24/7...so that's why I was able to ignore this issue until now.

 

that's what I mean...why did she feel she had to write it up and get it notarized??? nevermind me, it is insulting to him!

 

If this is important go see a lawyer about it. Every little random things someone puts on a paper and gets another to sign isn't enforceable in court.

[rainyday9]

Thanks for all of your replies.. it brought up new things to think about.

His allowing you into a relationship and your disregarding his marriage is disrespectful to God's institution and undermines his integrity regarding commitment to a promise.

The marriage was completely over. She BOUGHT her own house during the first month of separation. Even before that, they were in separate rooms. They both didn't see any way of coming together again.

 

*As of now, they have been officially divorced for over 5 months but I still can't stay over more than a week

The tone here is unfinished business. I'd be cautious

I'm afraid you're right. That's why i think this woman will be in our lives forever..which i never minded before, but it seems she doesn't really respect him.

just from experience...notarized contracts are really not worth the paper they are written on..unless there was representation during signing AND these papers were filed with the courts as part of discovery in the divorce.

 

good luck...you sound frurstrated and like you really just want to start a life with this Man...but it also sounds like you have to figure out just how much trouble HE is worth?good luck and take care...

Thanks Delajoonal, I really do want us all to move on..including his wife

I'm not too sure on the timing, but I think it was notarized before they got the divorce papers/court appearance..so maybe it was filed along w/ everything else.

 

Did your BF decide to end his M after he met you and started a relationship?

Definitely not because of me. He was firm on not getting back with her and besides, during the separation, he had another relationship w/ someone else before me.