fooled once Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I was reading responses to my post about length of affairs, ending of affairs and grieving of affairs and noticed that several people talked about growing and learning from the affair, in addition to guilt they felt. So I have another poll type questions What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? My answers What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? I learned about myself. I learned how truly strong I am. I learned how to respect myself. I learned what I need in my life. I learned how to cope with the loss of a love I had not experienced before. I learned how to come back from the depths of despair. I learned I am loveable (I had a crappy marriage which ended before the A). I learned I didn't want to share either Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? No, I don't. Even with me and his W getting hurt, if I had to do it over again, I would. Because had I NOT gone through that affair, had I not ended it when I did, had he not moved when he did, I would NOT have met my H. So, in a sick way, I have to thank him and his w for moving when they did (and not earlier as planned) because it put me where I was to meet my H. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? Actually, not really. I spoke with his wife once when she called me. It was pretty much a tit for tat conversation and so no, I had no guilt for sleeping with her H. He lived on his own for a year, they were separated. After he moved back in with her, obviously our relationship changed. Her and I spoke about 3 months before the A ended.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I learned so much from my R with my now H. Some good, some not-so-good. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I learned that I am in control of what I let happen in my life to an extent. I learned that I can be happy or sad; It is my choice. I learned that life is subjective and open to interpretation. I learned that I place love and R's above everything else. Including morality and sanity. I learned that there is his side, her side and the truth. And the truth is usually somewhere in between. I learned that there are horrible things in life we have to face. And sometimes it is our fault (not all our fault, but still our fault). Above all, I learned that if I don't respect myself, no one else will. And I am deserving of respect and I demand it. I guess the gist of this post is that everything is a learning experience. And if we squander it, we are doomed to repeat it. GEL
MaureyL Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I was reading responses to my post about length of affairs, ending of affairs and grieving of affairs and noticed that several people talked about growing and learning from the affair, in addition to guilt they felt. So I have another poll type questions What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? I learned that I was still desirable. My H had been getting more and more depressed (he had a secret gambling problem that came to light when the affair surfaced) and I had gone through a year of treatment for breast cancer. I was really wondering if my love life and sex life was over with, forever. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? I am sure that we all got hurt, all three of us. I don't regret a single second of it. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? This is a topic for another post, perhaps, but I feel just a small amount of guilt. I never knew my AP's long term girlfriend and he was very clear all along that he was never going to leave her. Somehow he took the line that he was still an upstanding and moral person through all this (as IF), mainly I think because we were kept completely separate. I was at work and our affair took place after school into the evening because the girlfriend worked at night. She definitely figured it out at the end but he was going with her and that was that!
Samantha0905 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I was reading responses to my post about length of affairs, ending of affairs and grieving of affairs and noticed that several people talked about growing and learning from the affair, in addition to guilt they felt. So I have another poll type questions What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? I learned I am seriously lacking in integrity and need to work on it. I learned I've been extremely lonely for some reason. I learned I actually like having my own space somewhat. I met my spouse at 14, married him at 21 and never lived on my own. I will be sad to give up my apartment. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? That's difficult to pretend, but if no one got hurt -- I'd like to keep both please. I wish I could combine the two of them because they each give me things I need -- emotional and physical things, I mean. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? At times, I've started feeling guilty for hurting my ex-AP -- but then, I never lied to him and told him I was confused and didn't know with 100% certainty how everything would turn out -- so he entered the relationship knowing I felt that way. I told him I loved my husband, but also what I was missing in the relationship. I think I'm so focused on wanting to work things out in my life, I don't allow myself to get mired down with guilt. I don't think it serves much purpose. I want to focus on correcting what has been going wrong.
White Flower Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) I learned so much from my R with my now H. Some good, some not-so-good. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I learned that I am in control of what I let happen in my life to an extent. I learned that I can be happy or sad; It is my choice. I learned that life is subjective and open to interpretation. I learned that I place love and R's above everything else. Including morality and sanity. I learned that there is his side, her side and the truth. And the truth is usually somewhere in between. I learned that there are horrible things in life we have to face. And sometimes it is our fault (not all our fault, but still our fault). Above all, I learned that if I don't respect myself, no one else will. And I am deserving of respect and I demand it. I guess the gist of this post is that everything is a learning experience. And if we squander it, we are doomed to repeat it. GEL I would just like to second this post. It is excellent and concise and my sentiments exactly. Edited October 24, 2009 by White Flower
Author fooled once Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I learned so much from my R with my now H. Some good, some not-so-good. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I learned that I am in control of what I let happen in my life to an extent. I learned that I can be happy or sad; It is my choice. I learned that life is subjective and open to interpretation. I learned that I place love and R's above everything else. Including morality and sanity. I learned that there is his side, her side and the truth. And the truth is usually somewhere in between. I learned that there are horrible things in life we have to face. And sometimes it is our fault (not all our fault, but still our fault). Above all, I learned that if I don't respect myself, no one else will. And I am deserving of respect and I demand it. I guess the gist of this post is that everything is a learning experience. And if we squander it, we are doomed to repeat it. GEL Thanks Gel. I really agree with the bolded one. Respect is huge to me and I was so disrespected by my ex and looking back, it is because I allowed it (and he was an a$$ )
RedDevil66 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? I learned I was lacking in maturity, integrity and self respect. I always thought I was a strong women with morals, then I went and lowered myself to a level that made me a no one. I learn that I had a lot of spirutal growth to do. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? Yes. it was a waste of my life and time, but no in the sense that it helped propel me to a hiher ground. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? Yes, for his wife. I'll always feel some sort of resentment towards myself even though I made great strides in healing and would NEVER EVER do it again. \
NowhereToHide Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? Honestly? That I have serious issues that I'm afraid that I will never be able to resolve. I have so much baggage and so many insecurities that I am afraid I will never be a "normal" functioning person -- that I will never be satisfied with what is good and I'll always be searching for something else. I also learned that my xAP wasn't the man I thought he was. And that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I also learned how weak I am... and I'm worried that I will never fully be over what happened. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? I regret it more than anything. It will go down as the biggest regret of my life. While I did learn a lot, it wasn't worth it. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? I have guilt for every moment of my A. Mostly it's guilt for my H, who is the victim. I don't have much guilt for my xAP's wife, only because she never really became "real" to me -- that and he turned out to be such an a$$shole that in some ways I feel sorry for her, but not guilt.
skylarblue Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? I pretty much learned that I’m a lot more apathetic than I thought, and I can and will live distorted and compartmentalized realities seamlessly. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? I’m not sure. On one hand I welcomed the A; it was the exact situation I was looking for. So I think I may have regretted it if I didn’t go for it. On the other, I wonder if the longevity of it has changed my thinking or me in some way. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? I don’t have any guilt at all. First, it’s not my M so I really don’t care. Second, I’m not going to take her H or break up her family so what’s to feel guilty about. Lastly, I like being the OW.
RedDevil66 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? Honestly? That I have serious issues that I'm afraid that I will never be able to resolve. I have so much baggage and so many insecurities that I am afraid I will never be a "normal" functioning person -- that I will never be satisfied with what is good and I'll always be searching for something else. I also learned that my xAP wasn't the man I thought he was. And that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I also learned how weak I am... and I'm worried that I will never fully be over what happened. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? I regret it more than anything. It will go down as the biggest regret of my life. While I did learn a lot, it wasn't worth it. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? I have guilt for every moment of my A. Mostly it's guilt for my H, who is the victim. I don't have much guilt for my xAP's wife, only because she never really became "real" to me -- that and he turned out to be such an a$$shole that in some ways I feel sorry for her, but not guilt. hugs....I admire your honesty and courage.
Jaspe_Loco Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? I'm still involved in my affair and moving towards eventual marriage, but I've learned that affairs aren't for me. I've lost a little bit of my soul for each day I've been involved with my AP. The only reason I've have not let it go is because we are moving towards being each other. If this wasn't the case, I'd be out of it and would never have an affair again. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? Even though we are still involved and we love each other very much, there are days that I wish that I had backed off when I still easily could do so. Ignoring guilt, bottling up your feelings, lying, sneaking around... this behavior has to have consequences on the soul. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? I do have guilt, but it is somewhat mitigated by my horrible 16 year marriage and what know about her husband. Once we get through this, I think she and I will be better off individually and her children especially, will better off without the daily negative influence from their dad. My wife has changed a lot in the last year or two in regards to parenthood, but my daughter so easily attaches to positive adult female influences that I think she'll benefit from Kelly being part of her life. She's already spent time with her at work/family functions and my daughter loves her.
Author fooled once Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? Honestly? That I have serious issues that I'm afraid that I will never be able to resolve. I have so much baggage and so many insecurities that I am afraid I will never be a "normal" functioning person -- that I will never be satisfied with what is good and I'll always be searching for something else. I also learned that my xAP wasn't the man I thought he was. And that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I also learned how weak I am... and I'm worried that I will never fully be over what happened. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? I regret it more than anything. It will go down as the biggest regret of my life. While I did learn a lot, it wasn't worth it. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? I have guilt for every moment of my A. Mostly it's guilt for my H, who is the victim. I don't have much guilt for my xAP's wife, only because she never really became "real" to me -- that and he turned out to be such an a$$shole that in some ways I feel sorry for her, but not guilt. Oh NWTH ((hug)) YOU will get through this. The FIRST thing you have to do is FORGIVE yourself. Please forgive yourself. You can only beat yourself up for so long. It will do you NO GOOD to regret it. Regret only leads to negativity and won't let you move forward. Find 1 thing good from it -- did it bring you closer to your H? Did it make you appreciate your H more? come on - find something - SOMETHING - good from it. Have you started IC to help you deal with the baggage which is weighing you down? I hate to see you struggling so much.
NowhereToHide Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Oh NWTH ((hug)) YOU will get through this. The FIRST thing you have to do is FORGIVE yourself. Please forgive yourself. You can only beat yourself up for so long. It will do you NO GOOD to regret it. Regret only leads to negativity and won't let you move forward. Find 1 thing good from it -- did it bring you closer to your H? Did it make you appreciate your H more? come on - find something - SOMETHING - good from it. Have you started IC to help you deal with the baggage which is weighing you down? I hate to see you struggling so much. Oh, Fooled... if you only knew my demons. I started therapy while my affair was still going because I was so confused by the strength of my emotions for my AP and I was looking for help in finding the strength to end it. That was 7 months ago and I'm still going. I'm finding it really hard to forgive myself and to not get mired down by the guilt and regret. It IS something that I am working on in therapy. It comes along with my lack of self-esteem and insecurities. And even though I would have never left my family, the fact that my xAP didn't love me "enough" to do it himself is a form of rejection for me (trust me, I get how ridiculous and irrational that sounds). My A came at a really hard time in my life. And there ARE good things that came from it, I can see them. I just can't embrace them just yet. I have moments of living my life with my family where I can feel some joy, but then I feel slammed with the self-hate that comes with knowing what a selfish decision I made. And the fact that I now see my xAP for who he really is, it kills me to know that I risked so much for someone like him. I can relate to the stories on here of people connecting with someone like they've known each other all along -- someone who is truly the right one for them. I didn't have that I know now. Maybe I would feel differently if the man I fell in love with WAS the right one... I don't know. But thank you for your kind words. And you're right. The regret is only leading to negativity -- I can see that. I am working on forgiving myself. I just think it's going to take some time.
Jacky Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? I learned that I can actually love a person for who they are. I learned I've been extremely lonely for some reason and can be very pocessive. I learned that patience and effort is very important in a relationship. I learned that people sometimes are not ready to take on any respondsibility for things that they have done. They tend to escape, including myself. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? I would never regret the affair, it has given me so much insight to who I am and how we connected. If I can go back and start again, I would still do that same thing. My OW would probably regret the affair coz of the pain it had on both her and me. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why I don't think I have any guilt but I do feel sorry for her because she can't communicate with her husband. He refuses to listen and understand her, shes tried and cannot be bothered anymore so they cannot solve any problems in between them. She refuses to leave him so they will just have to pretend that they are in a happy marriage for the rest of her life. I actually feel sorry for her since she only loves him as a member of the family rather than a lover and she cannot share anything with him because he just doesn't understand.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 And the fact that I now see my xAP for who he really is, it kills me to know that I risked so much for someone like him. I can relate to the stories on here of people connecting with someone like they've known each other all along -- someone who is truly the right one for them. Nowhere - every post that you write could have come from my own mouth. i always know exactly how you feel, which isnt a good thing because i feel for you. knowing the hurt and the pain and the sadness that come from something like this. and i think that quote sums it up for me. im not stuck on losing him, im stuck on the fact that he turned out to be different than what i knew for so long. im sorry youre hurting, and hope it gets better real soon.
ladydesigner Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? The greatest thing I learned from my affair is that it was a revenge affair to begin with which progressed into a heavily emotional and physical affair. i ended up falling in love with XOM and did not intend on having that happen. If I would have found LS first I would have not entered an A with my co-worker/friend. I was very vulnerable and in a crumbling marriage at the time I embarked on the A. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? I do regret it and don't at the same time. I regret that I gave so much of myself to XOM and fell so hard for him, to the point that I still have days where I miss him or at least talking to him. I had to re-invent myself so to speak because I was no longer the person I was before the affair or after the affair. I do not regret feeling the feelings I had with XOM. They were INTOXICATING and ADDICTING and at the time I felt dead inside that I couldn't love anymore and my XOM renewed those feelings in me. I thought they were gone. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? This is the part that gets me is that I do not have any guilt in terms of my H. I am not sure why. I feel my H had hurt me so bad that I was entitled to the A (I know really stupid), but that was my thinking at the time. I only have guilt as far as the kids go and just how an A is not right and if they ever knew or ever found out I would be horrified. I feel guilty for my XOM's SO that she does not know. I know what it feels like to be with a cheater, but she is still in the dark.
jennie-jennie Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? That good men exist in this world, men who meet your needs and whom you can trust. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? I do not regret the affair even knowing people get hurt. How can I regret loving someone, how can I regret being loved? Marriage is just a construction of society, love is a fundamental force. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? No guilt whatsoever. Empathy for the BS, yes; guilt, no.
kevinconner Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? That there are indeed more than one instance of my soul mate on this planet. I just happened to run into both. I am polyamourous. I have no issue whatsoever about loving multiple people. My wife cannot imagine being in love with another person and I understand that. At the drop of a hat, if another woman surfaces who would like to start this again, I'll sign on up for another round. Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? Not in the least. I am growing as a result of it. My marriage is also growing, but in a slower way. My AP is hainvg the time of her life now...as if she has woken from a deep sleep. And yes, we are both still married. Quite well as a matter of fact. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why. The affair was a powerful and moving experience for both of us. We both awoke to a new reality and learned so much about ourselves. There is no guilt on my part at all. It is who I am and I am proud of knowing this about myself.
Meaplus3 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 So I have another poll type questions What, if anything, did you learn from your affair? I learned that my ea was not at all worth all the pain I caused and endured. Most important lesson for me that "The grass is not always greener on the other side". Pretend no one got hurt, do you regret the affair? Yes.. I would regret the affair. And in my case people did get hurt. Guilt - did you have any and if so, for who and why? For a long time I had guilt. I felt guilty for going behind my spouses back at the time.. it was NOT called for. My marriage was in trouble and I delt with the pain of that by latching onto to someone who at the time would listen. I also was not as focused on my children as much as I should have been when in the ea. Then there is xmm's family. They live right nextdoor. I'm think part of me will still feel bad for my actions. Mea:)
Author fooled once Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 I also was not as focused on my children as much as I should have been when in the ea I have to say I wholeheartedly agree. During my A, I was not as focused on my son as I should have been. How can you be when you are busy checking email, waiting for the phone to ring, stolen moments, etc. I am just glad my son was young and didn't realize his mom wasn't 100% focused on HIM, where I should have been. Thanks everyone for the input!
Author fooled once Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 I am guessing --- I would say that probably because most MM are still screwing their wives, even though many OW don't want to admit it or are told by the MM that they aren't. I would think OW would prefer them to be doing her than someone new.
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