Freaking out...

[becky2009]

[sIZE=2]Today xMM came to me and said he is leaving his W in the next couple of weeks We broke it off for good several months ago, we work together so we were still in contact, Work Only.

 

He said he realizes he cannot live without me and is going to leave.

I want to believe him, I want to believe this will happen...

I told him that this was it, if he is not serious and set on leaving he made the biggest mistake by telling me he was, that this is it, there are no more chances and until he has left and given it some time after leaving we should maintain LC. I do not want to start anything until I know this is done,,,,with signed papers

 

I am shocked by his attitude and change in his course...but am freaking out that I may end up getting hurt again. I do Love him and I know he loves me but after reading so many posts I am very concerned that he will not follow through. Honestly, I am tired of having hope and

then nothing happens. I wish he had not told me until it was done.

[/sIZE]

[fooled once]

Today xMM came to me and said he is leaving his W in the next couple of weeks We broke it off for good several months ago, we work together so we were still in contact, Work Only.

 

He said he realizes he cannot live without me and is going to leave.

I want to believe him, I want to believe this will happen...

I told him that this was it, if he is not serious and set on leaving he made the biggest mistake by telling me he was, that this is it, there are no more chances and until he has left and given it some time after leaving we should maintain LC. I do not want to start anything until I know this is done,,,,with signed papers

 

I am shocked by his attitude and change in his course...but am freaking out that I may end up getting hurt again. I do Love him and I know he loves me but after reading so many posts I am very concerned that he will not follow through. Honestly, I am tired of having hope and

then nothing happens. I wish he had not told me until it was done.

 

Please be careful!

 

I would hate for you to get hurt more. I am so glad you told him that LC was to stay in place until he was DIVORCED and had time to maybe go to IC or to heal. That was incredibly smart of you to do and I am so glad you said it TO HIM.

 

Makes me wonder why he spoke up now vs when it was done. I think he may think that telling you this will allow him more access to you. I do think he cares for you - I am in no way saying he doesn't - but .....

 

In the next couple of weeks.....I guess time will tell if he is really serious.

 

I hope things work out for you; but I wouldn't start celebrating just yet (not that you are celebrating right now).

 

Good luck!

[moaningmyrtle]

[sIZE=2]Today xMM came to me and said he is leaving his W in the next couple of weeks We broke it off for good several months ago, we work together so we were still in contact, Work Only. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]He said he realizes he cannot live without me and is going to leave.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I want to believe him, I want to believe this will happen...[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I told him that this was it, if he is not serious and set on leaving he made the biggest mistake by telling me he was, that this is it, there are no more chances and until he has left and given it some time after leaving we should maintain LC. I do not want to start anything until I know this is done,,,,with signed papers[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I am shocked by his attitude and change in his course...but am freaking out that I may end up getting hurt again. I do Love him and I know he loves me but after reading so many posts I am very concerned that he will not follow through. Honestly, I am tired of having hope and [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]then nothing happens. I wish he had not told me until it was done.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

 

Although I am a BW I am not one to stand in the way of true love.

 

You must protect yourself and your emotions in this. The big question is does his wife know and what is her reaction if so?

 

If she knows and they have gone through and failed at marriage reconciliation attempts them you have cause to hope.

 

If she doesn't even know yet and he is intending to present her with his departure out of the blue, then realistically he is probably not sincere. The best you can say of him is that he hasn't thought it through. The worst is that he's trying to suck you back in.

 

If he hasn't told her and attempted reconciliation with her then even if he thinks that he will just up and leave, there will likely be pressure on him from everywhere for him to try to save the marriage. Most MM are unable to resist this pressure which may likely come from even people he feels are supportive of him.

 

I don't know your situation, so much of what I say is general and is more or less assuming they have the fairly typical marriage where they have grown apart over the years, it's become a little dysfunctional but not so toxic such that everyone else can see it's unendurable.

 

Myrtle

Edited October 23, 2009 by moaningmyrtle

[becky2009]

He has left once before but was back in two weeks to give his marriage another try, I haven't asked a lot of questions concerning his discussions with his W but I know they have discussed Divorce many times in the last year.

I do think he seems more mentally prepared than in the past...but who knows, I also find it strange that he would leave right before the holidays, but maybe he has reached a point that he is ready.

 

I am being very careful, but do feel like this is it, if he does not follow through he will not have another chance with me, I can't do it anymore

[moaningmyrtle]

He has left once before but was back in two weeks to give his marriage another try, I haven't asked a lot of questions concerning his discussions with his W but I know they have discussed Divorce many times in the last year.

I do think he seems more mentally prepared than in the past...but who knows, I also find it strange that he would leave right before the holidays, but maybe he has reached a point that he is ready.

 

I am being very careful, but do feel like this is it, if he does not follow through he will not have another chance with me, I can't do it anymore

 

In asking if his wife knows I mean 2 things - (a) does she know he is leaving her and (b) does she know of the affair with you? If she doesn't know of his affair with you then even if they have attempted counseling, it has been under false pretenses so even though he may think counseling failed there still might be pressure on him to undertake counseling in a more honest environment where the affair is dealt with in some way.

[MizzBlue72]

Good luck. I know that not having contact with the MM is the right this to do. You are right - wait until the papers are signed, and see if he is truly serious.

Actions speak 1000000 times more than words do.

I'm right there with you

[becky2009]

I don't think she knows he is leaving yet, but from what he has told me I don't think she will be shocked by this.

She does not know about the A but was Suspicious that something was going on, over a year ago she discovered phone records with numerous calls to me.

He has been going to IC for a month but not MC, I think she wanted to go but he did not. I actually thought that they were going to MC after we broke it off and found out later he didn't want to go.

[moaningmyrtle]

I don't think she knows he is leaving yet, but from what he has told me I don't think she will be shocked by this.

She does not know about the A but was Suspicious that something was going on, over a year ago she discovered phone records with numerous calls to me.

He has been going to IC for a month but not MC, I think she wanted to go but he did not. I actually thought that they were going to MC after we broke it off and found out later he didn't want to go.

 

OK Becky - I will be honest with my opinion.

 

If there has been no real d-day and she does not know of the A, and he hasn't even told her yet he is leaving then I can't see that it will work out for you.

 

When does he plan to tell her about you and the affair?

[becky2009]

Not sure when he is planning to tell her he is leaving....but the A will not be told, we decided a long time ago that if he decided he was leaving that we would keep it secret for a long time.

For at least a year after the D is final, he has kids and we would not want them to have someone new to deal with etc...until everyone is adjusted this will not be told.

IMO - (and I know I am in the middle of this mess and may not be seeing things clearly, so I do welcome your opinion) I think if he truly wanted his marriage to work he would have gone to MC and told her about the A.

[moaningmyrtle]

Not sure when he is planning to tell her he is leaving....but the A will not be told, we decided a long time ago that if he decided he was leaving that we would keep it secret for a long time.

For at least a year after the D is final, he has kids and we would not want them to have someone new to deal with etc...until everyone is adjusted this will not be told.

IMO - (and I know I am in the middle of this mess and may not be seeing things clearly, so I do welcome your opinion) I think if he truly wanted his marriage to work he would have gone to MC and told her about the A.

 

I agree with you Becky that if he was sincere in trying to make his marriage work then he would have told of the A. I also think that if he is sincere in choosing you he would also tell of the A.

 

For what it's worth my H also told his OW that he couldn't live without her and he loved her.

 

His reason for not telling me of the A was because if I knew I would make him choose "it's her or me" and he would have to choose between 2 women he loved. The OW did not make him choose so on it went for years. It was 7 years later that I eventually found out and did give him the ultimatum. He did choose me but I'm by no means certain that he would have made the same choice 6 years earlier. I really do think the OW didn't force a choice because she was unsure too of whether he would choose her. I guess that suited him best.

 

The fact is that my H is a proven liar as is your MM. Especially they lie in matters of the heart and sexual matters. It doesn't mean they don't love either their wives or the OW just that thy don't tell the truth about it.

 

If I could go back and decide again then I probably wouldn't have married my H if I'd known what was in store. However 7 years later we are trying and succeeding in rebuilding our marriage. I can't change what happened but can try to do what I think is best for now. I do love him and we have a long history together including 2 kids so it is best for us to work it out. We both agree on this.

 

I can only go on my own situation which may be quite different to yours but if I were you I would (a) want him to have truly left before recommitting to me, and (b) want to be clearly chosen - given the massive blows to self-esteem in being with a man who is also with someone else. These apply equally to BW and OW I think.

 

Myrtle

[becky2009]

I can only go on my own situation which may be quite different to yours but if I were you I would (a) want him to have truly left before recommitting to me, and (b) want to be clearly chosen - given the massive blows to self-esteem in being with a man who is also with someone else. These apply equally to BW and OW I think.

 

Myrtle

 

I agree with this, he needs to get it together before anything starts again with me.

He has said he does not love his wife and it became more evident during IC, he cares for her, but I think it has been more of a room mate type relationship, no friendship.

BUT I told him that IF he is unsure in any way we do not have a shot at making this work with us and he should not proceed. He has to know for sure that his M is over.

[bentnotbroken]

He's an azz who deserves to shrivel up old and alone for going back without really committing or giving it 100%, he didn't even have the balls to come clean. Coward.

[moaningmyrtle]

He's an azz who deserves to shrivel up old and alone for going back without really committing or giving it 100%, he didn't even have the balls to come clean. Coward.

 

There was an OW on here a few weeks(?) back who also was hoping to get together with a MM and basically pretend their future relationship was "new" and not based on an A while he was still with his wife.

 

They say that relationships that arise out of As are build on dishonesty, deception and manipulation of the BW and have a lesser chance of long-term survival. I really don't know if this is true but to me it compounds the injury done to the BW and children to pretend the A never happened.

 

The irony is that my H's father did the exact same thing to his wife (my H's mother) and my H when he was a child. Once they found out my H and his sister wanted nothing to do with him for the next 10 years.

[whichwayisup]

but am freaking out that I may end up getting hurt again. I do Love him and I know he loves me but after reading so many posts I am very concerned that he will not follow through. Honestly, I am tired of having hope and

then nothing happens. I wish he had not told me until it was done.

 

You SHOULD be freaking out and your red flags should be flapping away in the wind.

 

And yes, he SHOULD have come to you AFTER the D was final..Not now. He hasn't even LEFT yet! He's just told you will leave..Same as before.

 

Get back into NC mode, and fast. Last thing you need to be is his support system while he leaves his wife and family behind. He has to do this alone, and if he needs help, he has other family members, friends, even can seek counselling to help - Not you. If you go back with him, you will just be the OW again and get sucked back into the A all over again.

[whichwayisup]

Not sure when he is planning to tell her he is leaving....but the A will not be told, we decided a long time ago that if he decided he was leaving that we would keep it secret for a long time.

 

Another red flag!!!! He hasn't even TOLD her he's considering leaving.. Which means, he's either great at lying to you, or great at pretending all is cool at home. I'm betting his wife has NO idea what is going on, probably thinks life is fantastic. So, is he playing you both? To try to get you back into the A, give you enough hope to hang on? Or is he truly planning on divorcing? Time will tell and so will his actions..For your OWN sanity, shield your heart and stay away from him. From what you've said, I believe that he isn't going to really leave her. And the kids.

 

For at least a year after the D is final, he has kids and we would not want them to have someone new to deal with etc...until everyone is adjusted this will not be told.

 

If he really wants you and a life with you, he will do everything possible, exclude you from his life, the pain of his D, and come find you when it's done. Problem is, do you trust him? He's balked on you before, he's a cheater, a liar, so you know what he's capable of, even if you believe he hasn't lied to you..

[2sunny]

i see this as a ploy to reel you back in without any real change in his home life.

 

why should now be any different than before?

 

nothing has changed... everything you typed says nothing has changed. just empty words at this point - from him. all of this now has you making a lot of assumptions.

 

if he hasn't left, hasn't told his W of the affair, hasn't filed for D... it's all empty words to see how you would react... he's feeling you out.

 

all of your responses after your initial post in this thread are based on assumptions... assumptions about him, her and the divorce. you have no SOLID information or evidence that anything has or will change. this is a very dangerous placed for you to go - emotionally... he's setting you up for a lot of pain.

[bentnotbroken]

There was an OW on here a few weeks(?) back who also was hoping to get together with a MM and basically pretend their future relationship was "new" and not based on an A while he was still with his wife.

 

They say that relationships that arise out of As are build on dishonesty, deception and manipulation of the BW and have a lesser chance of long-term survival. I really don't know if this is true but to me it compounds the injury done to the BW and children to pretend the A never happened.

 

The irony is that my H's father did the exact same thing to his wife (my H's mother) and my H when he was a child. Once they found out my H and his sister wanted nothing to do with him for the next 10 years.

 

I don't know if it is true either. I have learned that statistics are easily manipulated and usually aren't a true representation of what they say they were measuring. I just don't like the fact that he went back to the wife and continued to lie, now he is saying he is divorcing the wife and continuing to lie and building a relationship on the bones of lies. I repeat.....HE is an azz.

[whichwayisup]

Let's say he DOES leave her, tomorrow and gets D papers asap. What happens next?

 

Are YOU prepared? Do you want him with you SO soon after he leaves?

 

It's just so unhealthy to end a marriage, and start another life with someone else right after. Even if you two love eachother, all that you've built together have been based on lies, behind closed doors, in secret. Not real reality. feelings may be real but the test is yet to come.

[becky2009]

WWIU

You are so right! I need to keep a distance from him until this is over, if he is in fact going to follow through. I have known him for 12 years, only been involved in A for 1.5 years, so I do know him very well. He has been back and forth for a year and started IC which I think has made him face some of his feelings towards his W and M.

 

I am glad I posted today, and I will stay strong and keep my distance.

IF he is serious and wants any sort of future with me this will have to go slow and after a D.

[whichwayisup]

Good, I'm glad to hear you're thinking about this.. Be strong and don't let your emotions rule here. Let HIM know that you are worthy of his love, but ONLY if he is single and available. Don't settle for anything less!! Otherwise you'll continue being the OW and he'll get to keep two women again.

 

How long has he been married, and how old are their kids?

[becky2009]

He has been married 15 years and has 2 children ages 11 & 14

 

As long as I have known him his M has not been good, just going through the motions not any real connection or love there. Not to say an A was the answer obviously this should not have happened until he was gone for good.

[Samantha0905]

He has been married 15 years and has 2 children ages 11 & 14

 

As long as I have known him his M has not been good, just going through the motions not any real connection or love there. Not to say an A was the answer obviously this should not have happened until he was gone for good.

 

That's a long time (a lot of history together) for no real connection or love to be there. I never believe it when people say that and I call BS on him if he's told you that. Those children alone are a MAJOR connection. She gave birth to them.

 

If he wants to leave his wife/family, he should just do it and stop playing mind games with you until he gets it done. Yes, he should have gone to marriage counseling. The mother of his children should be worth that to him. His children should be worth that to him. He's not showing a whole lot of effort to save his marriage/family and that's what you eventually want with him? Whether or not he chooses to tell his wife about the affair is a personal choice and every situation is different. If I were to leave my husband, I would not go out of my way to stomp on him some more on the way out by telling him of an affair. The affair isn't what's really the issue in the marriage anyway. I think affairs are just someone trying to fill a void when they should be working on what ails them personally and/or the marriage relationship.

 

I believe the statistic I read ranged from 10% to 25% for how many relationships make it long term when they develop from an affair. I doubt 25% -- seems high to me. Plus, once the new wears off and the "real everyday life" sets in and gets mundane at times, might he not stray again? I think when people are in the new stage they want to believe the marriage is bad, but he/she would never do that to me because we LOVE each other. I try to step away from that fantasy -- and that's what it is -- and think of a real future with the person. I think most of the time, the future is not promising.

 

I think a person's best option would be to do things in the sequence of (a) marriage counseling; (b) actually making the decision to stay or leave the marriage; © if the decision is to leave, spend some time alone and don't just jump into a rebound relationship (support system) -- if needed get individual counseling during that period, hang out with friends, etc.

 

Obviously, this path isn't taken often and I suppose if the person were courageous enough to do all that they aren't the type of person to have an affair........

 

I would think someone coming out of a long term marriage would eventually realize they want to play the field a bit. Do you worry if he does leave, he may eventually -- once fully divorced -- realize he should shop around?

Edited October 24, 2009 by Samantha0905

[Devil Inside]

Hey Becky

 

I've wondered how you were doing. Just sit tight. Nothing has changed. Just remember that...nothing has changed. Words mean nothing...only actions do.

[jennie-jennie]

I have recently learnt there is something called the Split Self Affair. I read this article by Emily Brown in a book called "Handbook of the Clinical Treatment of Infidelity". It is very interesting and tells of how the MM might move back and forth between the OW and the W when trying to find an external solution to his internal problem.

 

In this article IC is recommended. It says MC can do no good until the healing has been done inside the MM, and preferably also inside the W if one wants the marriage to continue. It states that the W suffers of the same issues as the MM. The only difference being that the MM has done something about it by "rocking the marriageal boat".

 

It is possible to read the entire article online if one jumps between Google Books and Amazon, if you are interested.

 

According to this theory, the MM is seeking to find his emotional self which he has been suppressing, and finds it with the help of the OW. He is still pulled towards "doing the right thing" which is how he has been living his life so far. To be able to move onwards, whether alone, staying in the marriage or with the OW, he needs to heal his split self.

 

Interestingly enough, it is not recommended that the affair be ended when IC starts, since the affair is the MM's contact with his emotional self. Demanding this would only make the affair go underground.

 

Check it out, Becky, and see if it is something that applies to you and your MM.

[White Flower]

There was an OW on here a few weeks(?) back who also was hoping to get together with a MM and basically pretend their future relationship was "new" and not based on an A while he was still with his wife.

 

They say that relationships that arise out of As are build on dishonesty, deception and manipulation of the BW and have a lesser chance of long-term survival. I really don't know if this is true but to me it compounds the injury done to the BW and children to pretend the A never happened.

 

The irony is that my H's father did the exact same thing to his wife (my H's mother) and my H when he was a child. Once they found out my H and his sister wanted nothing to do with him for the next 10 years.

There may be dishonesty and deception going on at home to keep the A going but if a MM really wants to leave for the OW and himself believes he has something he can build with her then it doesn't matter how it got started. It only matters how both MM and OW perceive their future to be together. We all move forward, grow and change. If we see something to worth working toward, we clean up our act and make things happen.

 

But I will agree that it does compound or at least cause injury to the BS, especially if she learns of the deception. It hurts to be lied to and it's hard to deal with it.