When is the right time to talk to a girl I am trying to date about my divorce?

[NewSmyrnaBeach]

I am having a tough time figuring out when girls expect to talk about this stuff. Are you supposed to get that out in the open immediately or wait until you know her a bit better? I am 30 years old and my divorce was finalized about 2 years ago. I took a long time off from serious dating. My divorce ended HORRIBLY. I went on a business trip and found out via text, yes text, that my wife had been cheating on me and was moving out. I had known my ex since middle-school and can't describe the amount of betrayel that was felt. I am not particularly sensitive about the subject anymore but it is obvious that it makes me a bit uncomfortable to tell someone who is almost a stranger about it. I also don't want to give the impression that I am damaged goods. I understand that it was a freak thing and I completely believe that I am ready to seriously see someone else. I don't want to act like I am hiding anything or that I'm lugging around a ton of baggage but don't want to make someone think that they are getting in over their head. I have been talking to a girl for a bit and really like her. We've only been out a few times but I'm starting to get to the point that I feel like if I don't talk about it then she may feel kind of blindsided by it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[everylittlething]

First off, I am always hugely turned off when I've just met a guy and he wants to blurt out his recent romantic history. It puts me in an awkward situation (do I comfort him? Does he expect me to tell him everything about my past? I just met the guy!) and makes me wonder if he's really over his ex. So I appreciate your caution in bringing up the subject.

 

More importantly, everyone has a past and most of us think of our past as being darker and more disastrous than it actually was. Divorce is by no means a rarity or a blinding flaw that is going to scare women away from you, but it is something that women you're dating would want to know. After a few dates, and if things are looking promising, it's natural and common to fill each other in on the last relationship and why it ended, etc. You could ask her these things about herself- how long has she been single, so on- and then tell her about the divorce. So long as you seem to have accepted your past, she will too.

[boogieboy]

dont ask her about her past. Wait until she asks you. You want to show her that you are only thinking of her first. You dont want her wondering if you are still thinking of your ex, so no need to bring it up until you guys are doing well.

[melodymatters]

I agree with the advice above, but also remember : people take their cues from YOU, and if you present it in a calm, It's the past, I'm over it, a couple of sentences manner, likely she will take it that way also.

 

If you make a big hairy " WE need to sit down, I need to tell you something" deal, she will react accordingly.

 

I have had some bizarre scenario's, but that hasn't seemed to bug anyone beacuse I wasn't bugged out over them.

 

Good luck, and happy to hear you are feeling good again

[SoulSearch_CO]

It's not something I'd be BLURTING out like on a first date. Let the info come out naturally during normal conversation. Generally it comes up with someone I date that I ask if they've ever been married before. I don't understand why you think divorce is a "strike." It's so much more common than you think. At my age (almost 30), I find it a little off-putting if the guy has NEVER been married because it could hint at commitmentphobia. I dated a guy for 6 months at the beginning of this year that was 30 and had NEVER been married and had NEVER lived with someone else. It was really hard because he'd get pissed if I ever pointed out something we could work on fixing (JOINT stuff, like communication). It was like he was all put out that I wanted to have an actual relationship (which includes growth and adjustment).

 

So really - at my age, I would be hesitant to date a guy that had never BEEN married. The most recent guy I dated, it was a 14-year age gap. I asked him if the gap bothered him and he said no, because I had been married (marriage can really make a person grow up).

 

I'm not sure who is giving you the message that divorce is something to be ashamed of. It's so dang common these days, I don't see what the big deal is. Now - if you had been married/divorced multiple times....then I'd be a little concerned. But if it comes up in conversation, just say you were married for x years and got divorced 2 years ago. Reasons behind the split aren't necessary unless the person asks - and even then, you should feel like you trust the person enough to GIVE them details.

[mushmush]

So really - at my age, I would be hesitant to date a guy that had never BEEN married.

 

Are you serious??

 

I'm 31 never been married. Is there something wrong with actually not rushing to get married because you think that marrage should not be taken lightly and is actually something special that you should only do once? I know that is not complete reality but I still think marrage is sacred.

 

Although I will agree with you that by our age if someone has never lived with someone there might be commitment issues there.

 

anyway.

Talking about your past relationships during the initial stages is always a big no no. Last girl I dated was started talking about her ex on our 2nd date. Big turn off and lead me to believe she was not totally over him. (turns out she was still living with her ex lol)

 

If it comes up in conversation so be it, but really the past is the past and so it should not really be that big a deal.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Are you serious??

 

I'm 31 never been married. Is there something wrong with actually not rushing to get married because you think that marrage should not be taken lightly and is actually something special that you should only do once? I know that is not complete reality but I still think marrage is sacred.

I said "hesitant." I didn't say it would be the mark of death against the guy. But, yes - it would make me hesitant. I just know what it's like to have been through it and I know how much different I am, now. I get "sacred" about it so much more now than I did before, believe it or not. But, as in all cases, it would depend on the overall demeanor, intelligence, personality and character of the guy. I don't generally dispose of people based on one little thing.

[NewSmyrnaBeach]

It's not something I'd be BLURTING out like on a first date. Let the info come out naturally during normal conversation. Generally it comes up with someone I date that I ask if they've ever been married before. I don't understand why you think divorce is a "strike." It's so much more common than you think. At my age (almost 30), I find it a little off-putting if the guy has NEVER been married because it could hint at commitmentphobia. I dated a guy for 6 months at the beginning of this year that was 30 and had NEVER been married and had NEVER lived with someone else. It was really hard because he'd get pissed if I ever pointed out something we could work on fixing (JOINT stuff, like communication). It was like he was all put out that I wanted to have an actual relationship (which includes growth and adjustment).

 

So really - at my age, I would be hesitant to date a guy that had never BEEN married. The most recent guy I dated, it was a 14-year age gap. I asked him if the gap bothered him and he said no, because I had been married (marriage can really make a person grow up).

 

I'm not sure who is giving you the message that divorce is something to be ashamed of. It's so dang common these days, I don't see what the big deal is. Now - if you had been married/divorced multiple times....then I'd be a little concerned. But if it comes up in conversation, just say you were married for x years and got divorced 2 years ago. Reasons behind the split aren't necessary unless the person asks - and even then, you should feel like you trust the person enough to GIVE them details.

 

I know its pretty common but I just wanted to know if girls would feel like someone was hiding something if a guy chose not to talk about it for a while and then it came out. Like I said, I just get kind of uncomfortable when I have to explain it and can't help that.

[Krytie TV]

I don't get the problem. Your divorce actually ended 2 years ago. Don't talk about it until it comes up naturally. It's not like you're still married.

[NewSmyrnaBeach]

I guess it was more of a question than a problem. I am wanting to do exactly what you said but just wondering if a girl would feel that it was something I should have brought up. If it is okay to not talk about it and keep it general when I do, then I'm all for it.

[Krytie TV]

You owe no one anything but honesty. Frantically blurting out your divorce does not fall into that category. Do you think everyone you might date will be in a hurry on your first date that she had a threesome with 2 guys 2 years ago? Doubt it. Same thing.

[NewSmyrnaBeach]

Getting divorced and having to picture your girl getting jackhammered by 2 dudes at the same time are the same thing?

[melodymatters]

Having just read your replies on the Stalker thread, I'm thinking you will be able to handle this situation juuuuust fine on your own !

[threebyfate]

Maybe I'm different..haha...no, I know I'm different...but since my divorce, I've always been open about the divorce and infidelity. My view was that if it had a negative impact, why not use this to naturally filter out people who would have difficulty with it.

 

The subject usually came up during the first or second date, whether my date brought it up or I did. I didn't blather on and on about it though. Short, direct comments. To be honest, not one man had any difficulty with it, since they continued wanting to date.

[BobSacamento]

When she asks.

[mushmush]

I said "hesitant." I didn't say it would be the mark of death against the guy. But, yes - it would make me hesitant. I just know what it's like to have been through it and I know how much different I am, now. I get "sacred" about it so much more now than I did before, believe it or not. But, as in all cases, it would depend on the overall demeanor, intelligence, personality and character of the guy. I don't generally dispose of people based on one little thing.

 

 

got ya

 

and now that I think about it, it's becomming harder and harder to find single girls my age that I would consider dating more than a few times. Too many red flags.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I know its pretty common but I just wanted to know if girls would feel like someone was hiding something if a guy chose not to talk about it for a while and then it came out. Like I said, I just get kind of uncomfortable when I have to explain it and can't help that.

 

I guess it was more of a question than a problem. I am wanting to do exactly what you said but just wondering if a girl would feel that it was something I should have brought up. If it is okay to not talk about it and keep it general when I do, then I'm all for it.

The answer is "no." IMO, it's just another part of relationship history. While, yes - it is significant, I don't think it's something you have to rush to talk about. I don't know many girls that WOULDN'T ask this question. That being the case, just wait until she asks about your relationship history. If it's a dealbreaker in her mind whether or not you've been married before, don't you imagine she'd ask?

[justforfun]

Maybe I'm different..haha...no, I know I'm different...but since my divorce, I've always been open about the divorce and infidelity. My view was that if it had a negative impact, why not use this to naturally filter out people who would have difficulty with it.

 

Because the women who wouldn't be put off by your blurting it out would be the ones that should make you run for the hills.

[justforfun]

getting jackhammered by 2 dudes at the same time

 

I'm here, you're here, I wonder when DevilInside is going to drop in?

[justforfun]

I know its pretty common but I just wanted to know if girls would feel like someone was hiding something if a guy chose not to talk about it for a while and then it came out. Like I said, I just get kind of uncomfortable when I have to explain it and can't help that.

 

No. You're making a bigger deal about it than necessary. Just because it was the end of your world as you knew it. To her it's just a part of your life story. No biggie. But I'd be concerned about myself if I were as concerned about it as you are.

 

So, shaddap about it, deal with your demons and if it comes up then be brief about it. Here....

 

I got divorced two years ago (not I've been divorced for two years makes it sound like being divorced is a permanent state instead of a past event). PAUSE.

 

If she asks why at this point. My ex-wife (not 'my wife' because she isn't your wife anymore) had an affair and so the marriage ended. SILENCE.

 

When she starts giving you all the platitudes just politely say. Well it was difficult at the time but I'm past it now.

 

And if she's still going on then she's a nut who feeds off and internalizes other people's misery. Or she wants to rake it over the coals so she can start talking about her cheating ex. If so pay the bill and leave.

 

[threebyfate]

Because the women who wouldn't be put off by your blurting it out would be the ones that should make you run for the hills.

Who said anything about blurting this out? Ever heard about sliding a topic into a casual conversation in a non-threatening manner?

 

Maybe that's the difference. It's not what you say but how you say it, as blatantly displayed in this thread.

[carhill]

I'd like to know more about 'trying to date' a girl. Either you're dating or you're not. Which is it?

 

If you and this girl you've been 'trying to date' have been out a few times and get on well, just say you got divorced a couple of years ago. TBF (haha, just noticed the initials are the same) said it well. Tone and inflection are paramount. For me, my stbx and I are getting a divorce. It's a legal matter. It will conclude. Life goes on.

 

Hope the 'trying' works out

[threebyfate]

Yup, same initials and same person, just at a new life stage now, hence the new username.

 

No matter what stage in life you are, better that you be upfront with someone, so they can gauge who you are. This doesn't mean you have to talk about being told via text that she cheated. As carhill mentions, keep it simple since you've moved on.

 

The only cautionary I would recommend, is that if this relationship progresses and your past affects how you view marriage, also find an opportunity to incorporate it into casual conversation. This way, you expectation manage, sooner, rather than later. Sandbagging after the fact, can and will get people dumped.