his puppet Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Hi everyone...I've been lurking around here for awhile and have finally decided to post my story.... I'm a MW having an A with my friend's husband. ( Although if I was her friend, I wouldn't be sleeping with her hubby I guess) At any rate, this has been going on for a year now. We've always been attracted to one another, then one day we acted on it. They will be getting a divorce soon because he had a previous affair with someone he worked with. (The wife doesn't know about me or the one night stand he had right after they were married. His wife doesn't like sex and they have not had it in over a year) It is supposed to be a physical only, NSAA which it is. He keeps saying the longer it goes on, the more emotionally attached it will be come. He said he wanted to end it and I agreed, only to find out he had an ad on an affair dating site. I confronted him about it, and he claimed he just went on there to check it out and that he never met anyone from it. (He claims he loves having sex with me and has since deleted his profile from it.) I guess what I don't get is: one minute he doesn't want to have the A, then the next minute he does. It only happens when we're alone and have the opportunity. (I watch his toddler son 3x a week.) That will be coming to an end though, and he claims he'll never meet anyone for sex anywhere. I have a feeling when he gets the "urge" again though he'll call me. Why does he keep changing his mind? A month ago he was dead set on it being over, then 3 wks. ago he came on to me again. He's already told me he's not in love with me and we could never have a relationship. Does it sound like he's confused or becoming emotionally attached? (Which I doubt....he never just calls me to say hi) Thoughts on this? ANY advice would be appreciated!!!!
jmargel Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Why are you not more concerned about YOUR marriage? You are worried about a guy who has lied, deceived and disrespected his wife many times over. This is the woman who you are befriending. You can't trust this guy, if he can do this to his wife, then he will definetly do it to you. You need a take a step back and look at what you are doing. Why are you not telling your husband about the affair? Why do you believe it's ok to do this, to keep it going? Why haven't you gotten a divorce? Why haven't you told this OM's wife about what has gone on? You are not going to find sympathy here and unless you want to change the way you are not only treating others but yourself emotionally then you are more than likely going to get some responses on here that will upset you. Perhaps it's time for counseling for yourself.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 his puppet, great name by the way, and your answer lies within your screen name. I guess someone has to spell it out. If you read most of the posts here on OW/OM/infidelity, you will realize this...... He is using you for sex. Simple.
Author his puppet Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Jmargel....I will never tell his wife or my hubby. JumpinJimmy...I KNOW he's using me for sex. What I don't get is: yes, I want it....no, I don't....yes, I do. Why can't he just make up his mind?!
confusedinkansas Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 He's become emotionally attached & doesn't know what to do & you on the other hand aren't. (emotionally attached that is) He is using you for sex. Duh....Aren't they BOTH doing that:confused:
Author his puppet Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 ALSO....I told him I wanted to talk about this and he said he didn't. I called him and left him a message telling him I wanted to say a few things, and he hasn't even had the decency to call me back.
65tr6 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 ...yes, I do. Why can't he just make up his mind?! He did. He wants to be a cake eater. Sometimes he wants sex outside the marriage sometimes he does not. For some of us "he can't make up his mind". For him this is normal. Is that your biggest concern that he is not able to make up his mind ? Think about it.
Author his puppet Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Confused.....I did start to have feelings for him a few months ago and told him. That's when he told me he couldn't ever see us having a relationship and he couldn't return my feelings.
Bryanp Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I have a couple of questions: 1. Do you care about your marriage at all? 2. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him and putting your health at risk for STD's? 3. Do you feel that your husband deserves to be so humiliated and disrespected in such a horrible way? 4. What do you think will happen if and when your husband finds out?
JumpinJimmy Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 HP...He's horny, he's not horny, He's horny, he's not horny,He's horny, he's not horny...there is a pattern here.
NowhereToHide Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I rarely say this since I tend to believe that there are usually feelings involved for the MM, even if sex is his primary motivation, but..... THIS MAN IS USING YOU. FOR SEX. He wants nothing more from you. He isn't confused, he isn't developing feelings. If you don't want to be just a sex object, then move on. He's an emotional empty well, at least where you are concerned.
Author his puppet Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I know he's using me for sex. He says he doesn't want ANY affair. It's just that his actions are speaking louder than his words. When I want it, he pushes me away. When HE wants it, I'm expected to give it to him. My friend says I should tell him to take a flying leap (she used more colorful language) and concentrate on my marriage. I'm beginning to think she's right.......
NoIDidn't Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 If it is all no-strings-attached-sex, I don't understand why you feel the need to question his motives. You have aptly named yourself, his puppet. He's told you that this is not going any further than sex. You caught him on a sex site (why you would do that in a no-strings-attached situation is troubling), then he deleted it. It seems that he will do just about anything to keep the sex coming. And that you will keep the sex coming as long as he wants it. What's the problem? Its only sex, so why care about his motives? Sounds like YOUR feelings are getting involved and he's just playing the game to keep you in line with his desires for sex.
PhoenixRise Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Well clearly he wants an affair....you caught him placing ads on hook up sites. AND clearly you were miffed about it. AND don't even get me started about how ironic it is that you don't like it that your friend's husband is trying to cheat on you... BUT...he want an affair and he was ok with having an affair with YOU until your started to freak him out with your feelings. You changed the ballgame when you said you had feelings.....he doesn't want feelings....just sex.... For HIM: Affair = yes Feelings= no. BUT he will let you scratch an itch for him from time to time. I am wondering why you are confused about this.
Author his puppet Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Phoenix....no, he stated from the beginning of this affair that he didn't want one.....not just when I told him my feelings. He claims every time we do it, it kills his self esteem, yet he keeps coming back for more. Why? I thought he didn't want to any more? I found him on the site by sheer luck. I asked him why he put up personal info (you can just put up a generic site if you want to) He said women were responding to his ad and asking for more info. I told him he didn't need to put up more info just 'cause they asked. I told him: would she (the wife) be hurt if she found out you were on the site? He said: yes. Then I told him he should delete it and he did. (Honestly, I think he did it because he got caught by me.) If this is just physical, then why did he ask if I met anybody from the site? (I thought he didn't care) I think he's just as confused as me....the wife doesn't want sex w/ him anymore and he seeks me out when he has the desire for it.
NoIDidn't Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 If this is just physical, then why did he ask if I met anybody from the site? (I thought he didn't care) I think he's just as confused as me....the wife doesn't want sex w/ him anymore and he seeks me out when he has the desire for it. You really should be asking yourself these questions and stop putting it all on him. This post starts off saying that its no strings, but you keep asking "what does it mean". It should mean nothing. You guys are just hooking up. This is how people get their feelings hurt when they turn it into something more than it was supposed to be. Plus, I thought you said they were getting divorced? Has it even been filed for yet? Who filed, her or him?
Author his puppet Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Didn't file yet.....frankly, I don't think either one has the balls to do it. I think they'll stay together for the kids.
imagine Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Hi Puppet, There seems to be two puppets in this story. One: You to your lover an Two: Your husband as provider. Clearly you are not interested in your marriage. You have underlined the meaning of the word infidel. Why should ANYONE be interested in a relationship with you?
Author his puppet Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. I did alot of thinking this week and ended my affair yesterday. I went to where he worked and told him I didn't want this anymore. Frankly, I'm worth more than this and I really want to work on my marriage. Also, I told him effective immediately I wouldn't be watching his son anymore. He thought it was because of our age difference (he's 29...I'm 34) It's not....it just isn't fair to any of us and I was sick of the games, BS, and lies. I feel ALOT better!!
65tr6 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 worth more than this and I really want to work on my marriage. Good...i am glad you have started to look at the real issue here. News for you....You can't work on your marriage on your own UNLESS you 1) confess to your husband 2) send an NC note to your lover (i know you said you ended it however I will be shocked if there is no contact) it just isn't fair to any of us and I was sick of the games, BS, and lies. I feel ALOT better!! hmmmm....do you see the hypocrisy in this statement ? Do you have any kids ?
tami-chan Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 <sigh> Why does he seem to want an affair with you and then not, then yes then no and so on and so forth....why not? it does not matter what he does, you are still going to be there at his beck and call. He is doing that so that you will not expect that he wants something permanent with you. He is doing that so that so you don't go "bunny boiler" on him. Look, why are you allowing this man to treat you like this? What is it about this man that you are dependent on? Love yourself enough. Stop it.
2sure Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 He wants you and then he doesnt. His wife probably hears the same thing. He has an ad for sex but tells you he didnt meet anyone...tells you the same thing he tells his wife. Wow, cant figure this out.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 He said he wanted to end it and I agreed, only to find out he had an ad on an affair dating site. I confronted him about it, and he claimed he just went on there to check it out and that he never met anyone from it. (He claims he loves having sex with me and has since deleted his profile from it.) I can't help but wonder what YOU were doing on the affair dating site? Just checking it out, right? Mr. Lucky
Author his puppet Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Tami-Chan.....I did stop. I ended it over the weekend. And even though it was a NSA sexual only affair, then why did he discuss all his marital problems with me for the past year?? 2sure....he doesn't say that to his wife. She only had sex with him 4 times A YEAR! Hence, when the woman at work came on to him he started an affair. He wanted sex....he wasn't getting any (or enough) at home AND she knew he was upset w/ the lack of sex they were having and did nothing about it. IMO...she was just as much at fault..... Mr.Lucky....I had a gut feeling he was on there and that proved to be right!
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 2sure....he doesn't say that to his wife. She only had sex with him 4 times A YEAR! Or so he told you. And unlike all the other lies he told you, I'm sure that was the truth ... Mr. Lucky
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