Template Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Hey guys, I just want to know how you guys feel about your spouse/lover/fiance/etc. having a former lover as a friend. Upon my own experiences, I've never been comfortable with it. The reason I'm asking, is because as I was listening on the radio on some talk show, a caller, chimed in with a dilemma: The woman that he was currently involved in has a couple guy friends they she used to be lovers with, and still keep in contact. When the caller told her that he was uncomfortable with it, and asked that she shouldn't be their friends anymore, she told him no, and the reason is that "in case it didn't work out, she didn't want to have any friends to turn to". Whether all she had was these guys friends or not, I don't know. So the radio jockey said basically, "1. if she were truly in this relationship, she wouldn't have objected, which means she probably wasn't into the relationship as he was, and 2. If they (ex-lover guy friends), were truly her friends, that they would understand, and if there was a time when she needed them as friends, true friends would be there." From my experience, I've never been truly comfortable when a girl I was dating still had a "friend" that she used to sleep with, when I was with her. Don't get me wrong, unless there's a reason to still be friends, ie. kids, then I feel that having a former lover as a friend, while you have a current lover, is just not something to have - especially when your current lover is uncomfortable with it. But that's just my opinion. I'm curious to hear what the masses think. -Template
conehead Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Hey guys, I just want to know how you guys feel about your spouse/lover/fiance/etc. having a former lover as a friend. Upon my own experiences, I've never been comfortable with it. The reason I'm asking, is because as I was listening on the radio on some talk show, a caller, chimed in with a dilemma: The woman that he was currently involved in has a couple guy friends they she used to be lovers with, and still keep in contact. When the caller told her that he was uncomfortable with it, and asked that she shouldn't be their friends anymore, she told him no, and the reason is that "in case it didn't work out, she didn't want to have any friends to turn to". Whether all she had was these guys friends or not, I don't know. So the radio jockey said basically, "1. if she were truly in this relationship, she wouldn't have objected, which means she probably wasn't into the relationship as he was, and 2. If they (ex-lover guy friends), were truly her friends, that they would understand, and if there was a time when she needed them as friends, true friends would be there." From my experience, I've never been truly comfortable when a girl I was dating still had a "friend" that she used to sleep with, when I was with her. Don't get me wrong, unless there's a reason to still be friends, ie. kids, then I feel that having a former lover as a friend, while you have a current lover, is just not something to have - especially when your current lover is uncomfortable with it. But that's just my opinion. I'm curious to hear what the masses think. -Template I agree with the radio jockey. Also, does the gf just talk to her ex, or does she go out with him too one on one?
Author Template Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 I agree with the radio jockey. Also, does the gf just talk to her ex, or does she go out with him too one on one? I don't know... but it does kinda seem that she was still talking to them, because when the caller asked her to not be in contact with them, she refused. just an assumption.
MarieMarie Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I would not date a guy who was close with a recent ex-girlfriend. It's one thing if they were dating ages ago. I would be ok with that as long as he kept the relationship pretty casual (i.e., no one-on-one stuff, no intimate phone calls or emails, and I would want to meet her). But if he's friends with his most recent ex, I would assume that he's not over that relationship.
Clep Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I have an ex that I am quite close to. My bf and I used to go out with him and his girlfriend before he and the girlfriend split up. I am still friends with him and so is my guy. My ex is a great guy, as long as it is not in a relationship. I would never want to go back there. I love the guy I am with. As far as having someone there if things went south with my guy and I...I could create that with anyone, it doesn't have to be an ex. It is rare for me to get back together with an ex. If the thoughts were there to get back together with an ex, I wouldn't be in the current relationship to begin with.
Author Template Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 I have an ex that I am quite close to. My bf and I used to go out with him and his girlfriend before he and the girlfriend split up. I am still friends with him and so is my guy. My ex is a great guy, as long as it is not in a relationship. I would never want to go back there. I love the guy I am with. As far as having someone there if things went south with my guy and I...I could create that with anyone, it doesn't have to be an ex. It is rare for me to get back together with an ex. If the thoughts were there to get back together with an ex, I wouldn't be in the current relationship to begin with. Hmmm... interesting. So let me pose this question. IF.. your bf was to say "I'm not comfortable with you being friends with him, please do so." - Would you do it? Without beating around the bush, it's like saying "either him, or me", who is more important?
Lauriebell82 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I would be a bit weary if my fiance was still friends with an ex and neither would he. I know some people can do that, it just isn't for me.
Author Template Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 I would not date a guy who was close with a recent ex-girlfriend. It's one thing if they were dating ages ago. I would be ok with that as long as he kept the relationship pretty casual (i.e., no one-on-one stuff, no intimate phone calls or emails, and I would want to meet her). But if he's friends with his most recent ex, I would assume that he's not over that relationship. How long is "dating ages ago"... I kinda used to have that same belief too. However, my ex-gf kinda changed my mindset. She had an ex-bf, years ago, but for the past 8 years of so, he was her "best friend". However, what changed my mind was when one night she ran to help him get to the hospital when he tried to commit suicide, and then a couple nights later basically refused to take me when I had to go because of complication from an operation I did to her. Long story... history... but my point is, I have had, and seen two sides to this, and it seems that it's waaay more complicated when an ex-lover is a friend, regardless of the time. You think there should be caveats?
Clep Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Hmmm... interesting. So let me pose this question. IF.. your bf was to say "I'm not comfortable with you being friends with him, please do so." - Would you do it? Without beating around the bush, it's like saying "either him, or me", who is more important? I would without a doubt end the friendship with my ex. I realize that some may say that my bf is controlling who I am friends with by that type of a choice and I have heard that before. I would ask him why, challenge him as to why he is insecure and hope that he would work on changing that. Change is more difficult to come about though with the situation in the way, so ending the friendship would be in order for me. My guy is the most significant person in my present and hopefully my future, so that is why I would make the choice. Beating around the bush to me means resistance. That is a response in itself to me.
JohnP82 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Hmm, I guess it depends. I wouldn't mind the occasional email to touch bases with an ex but if she were buddy buddy with him I would be very uncomfortable with that.
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