Is a 4-month marriage worth saving?

[HeartbrokenK]

My husband and I have been married for 4 months, but we've been together for almost 4 years. There's a lot running through my mind, it's only been 2 weeks since I caught the *******, I think it'll be easier if I put a timeline down.

 

We started dating a year after he came back from Iraq. I was 22, he was 26. One of my best friends hooked us up. He was a blast. Hilarious, sweet, all-american golden boy.

 

We moved in together a year later. **** started hitting the fan around us. His grandfather died, a year later his grandmother died (They raised him - he was devastated.) So he was depressed, which inflamed the untreated PTSD from Iraq. I talked him into seeing a counselor. He got frustrated with it during the very first session, and while he swears he went for months, it's obvious that he didn't because they stopped sending appt confirmations and reminders immediately. I got frustrated, he started distancing himself, but I figured he was just in a lot of pain and would talk to me about it when he was ready. It did get a lot better.

 

We got engaged. During our engagement, the group that he went to Iraq had left for their second tour and with came back 8 months before our wedding. All of a sudden, our movie nights & cuddling weren't good enough. He stopped returning phone calls and invitations from our couple-friends. He started drinking, heavily, 4-6 nights a week, acting like a 21-year old boy who'd just discovered beer. I let it slide - all of his best buddies had been gone for a year and I just figured they were making up for lost time.

 

He stopped helping me with our wedding plans. I got angry. Explosively angry. Bride-to-be jitters from hell, mixed with a party-boy who all of a sudden seemed like a different person = some really bad fights. Usually once a month when I just couldn't choke down the anger anymore. But we'd sit down and talk about it when our tempers cooled, we'd talk for hours and get everything out in the open, then start the cycle over again.

 

Then the girls came. Girls he works with. First, they were just tagging along with the guys from work. Then they started texting and calling him. He would spend hours texting every night, but I didn't complain because he's always had a cell phone attached to his hip. I knew some of them were from girls, but I left the subject alone because I didn't want to be a nagging, clingy wife-to-be. Then I found out that most of these girls are single moms. One of them had already jumped into bed with one of his married friends and nearly broke up their marriage. The other one had 3 kids, was a little older than us, and didn't appear to be having any trouble finding men to date. I wasn't worried about her.. (STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!) Long story short, he made friends with Mom-o-3. She spilled the story about her ex, who apparently was a piece of crap and not a good dad. He took her oldest son to his first rock concert. We took her and her kids to the zoo one afternoon.

 

Our wedding day. She did his hair & all the groomsmens' hair. She was there almost the whole day. She offered help, I was so grateful. We went on our honeymoon, he chewed me out one day because I had his cell phone to take a picture of him laying on the beach, when all of a sudden a text popped up from her. I read it, but not on purpose, it was short and nothing weird about it. I told him right away, but he got huffy anyway. It didn't occur to me to be mad that he was talking to other women while we were on our honeymoon, I was used to it at this point and he'd gotten mad at me in the past for asking him to turn his phone off when we were on dates and stuff. *Clue, Clue, Clue* But I made her a mothers' bracelet as a thank-you for her helping out, and was determined to be friends with her. I liked her.

 

We get back from our honeymoon. It was bliss for the next month, I was totally happy and it appeared that all we needed was to get out of the wedding-planning, death-of-singlehood stress. He wasn't drinking as much, we did more things alone again, exactly what I expected to happen.

 

Two weeks ago, my world crashed down around me. He and his friends go bowling on Tuesdays. It's league bowling for the boys, then after that other friends (including the girls) show up, they bowl and then go to the bar for a couple hours afterward. I got a text from one of his friends at bar close time, asking if he was home yet. I said no.. The friend told me I should probably go get him because he was really drunk and shouldn't be driving. I went to the bowling alley, saw his car, and went to check if he was inside. The doors were unlocked, his bowling ball was in the backseat. He wasn't there. I sat in his drivers' seat, called twice, sent him a text. No resopnse. At this point I know something bad is happening, because he never leaves his doors unlocked and usually returns messages immediately. I get out of the car, to check if he wandered off to pee or something. I walk around to the other side of his car, to see them sitting in her car, him sucking on her neck. I freeze. My brain explodes and my heart cracks in half. I snap back to reality, walk over to her side of the car, open the door, and discover that her pants are halfway off. I almost passed out. I very calmly ask, "May I ask how long this has been going on for?" Hours pass. No response. I walk away and immediately call my mother to come get me. I stayed with her for a couple of days. Screamed at him and sent him nasty messages the entire time. Came home to get some clothes when I thought he would be at work, he was there, we talked and I gave it 6 months. He says it was just the one time, he says he told her that they work together and that's the only time she would be able to speak to him, and even then only about work. I find this hard to stomach.

 

Today, I still have no idea why the hell I'm even still here. I'm so incredibly angry that it keeps me up most nights. I'm paranoid when he's 5 minutes later than usual coming home from work. I think it's her every time he answers a call or text. I think he's calling her every time he takes the dog outside. I have a picture of her that I'd taken on my cell phone one time, trying to hook her up with one of my friends. I look at it every day and just repeat "Why are you better than me?" over and over.

 

I don't believe in second chances. I warned him when we first started dating that if he ever hit me or cheated on me I would drop him in a hot minute. People in love don't cheat, they just don't.

 

So now I have all these questions, and I can't figure out where to go from here. Is a 4-month marriage even worth saving? How can I ever trust him again? He hates counselors, I'll never talk him into that again, so what the hell can we do to work it out? He humiliated me, he made me feel paranoid and crazy for wondering what was wrong - and I believed him. I honestly spent a year thinking I was a paranoid, crazy bitch. So now to find out that my instincts were right, I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that he can make me believe the worst about myself. Is that emotional abuse or am I blowing it out of proportion?

 

Anyone, anywhere out there, who has some advice, please let me know.

[imagine]

At this stage I would say that it is time to get out. Not your fault that he went into a marriage that he was not sure about. But I would definitely be more sensitive to watch a guys feelings.

 

I hope that you've learned NOT to leave your guy alone with another woman.

[whichwayisup]

As much as you may love him, he is not long term, husband material. He's shown you more than once, twice, that HE is immature, isn't ready for committment, let alone begin a life with you..

 

Sorry, I know you're hurting. HE SUCKS and honestly, it's his loss. Maybe losing you will wake him up and he'll grow up, get help and be the man he's meant to be. Unfortunately, he's gonna have to lose you along the way.

 

I doubt he's ended things with the OW, and he probably enjoys the attention from other OW too..

 

Hang in there, surround yourself with friends and family to help you through this time.

[schewter]

<<I don't believe in second chances. I warned him when we first started dating that if he ever hit me or cheated on me I would drop him in a hot minute. People in love don't cheat, they just don't.>>

 

There's your answer honey. Stick to your guns. BTW...the way you describe your husbands social life; i.e. partying with the guys, other women hanging around...can only speak for myself but I know for sure that wouldn't have ever been okay with my wife...that's EXACTLY the circumstances in which Sh-- happens.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't believe in second chances. I warned him when we first started dating that if he ever hit me or cheated on me I would drop him in a hot minute. People in love don't cheat, they just don't.

 

These are your words. I am not saying that you are bound by them. Re-read your post and ask yourself what your advice would be to a friend that endured the same.

 

If he is doing nothing to fix what he has broken, and if you are more than willing to keep allowing him to break it - you have your answer.

[misternoname]

My ex had an affair within the first year of our marriage. I stuck around. The result? Three more affairs over the course of our 24 year marriage. If I could live my life over again I would have bailed that first year. Of course hind sight is 20-20. In your case...young, no kids I'd highly suggest you get out. Present actions are a pretty damned good indicator of future behavior. IMHO

[JumpinJimmy]

Cut your losses, it sounds like your guy is not done having fun and running around yet. Otherwise, You will be chasing him to try to stop his tail chasing for the next 10 yrs. Unless you're up to a challenge and like heartbreak....

[jmargel]

I look at it every day and just repeat "Why are you better than me?" over and over.

 

Why are you even asking youresefl that when it's not even remotely close to the reason why he cheated and treated you this way?

 

Take a step back here and look at his behavior, just not he cheating. Have you realized that you are in a parent-child relationship? He acts like a spoiled teenager while you tolerate his misbehavior and disrespect for you.

 

He doesn't RESPECT you, and the reason why is because of his immaturity and his lack of knowing how to deal with situations. His quitting counseling, his lying, his deceit, his cheating. This goes down to core personality issues and it will only get worse until HE wants to change.

 

He has to want to say 'I need help and I am going to get it for myself' before anything will change. Forcing him to counseling is like forcing a kid to eat his vegatables. He might eat some but he's not going to like it and certainly won't make it a good habit.

 

He also has gotten so comfortable with you that he takes you for granted. Why change things when you tolerate them? He gets to live the way he wants and has you as the mother to come home too. He has faced no consequences. Yelling at him is not a consequence, to him its in one ear and out the other.

 

I'm married and quite a few females call/text me. Though they know the boundaries and so do I. My wife knows them as well. She also knows that if she's ever gets too uncomfortable with it, then my wife is the first priority. He has taken things way too far and it sounds like he has for quite awhile.

 

Remember this woman you found him with is only one. How many others has he been with that you don't know? Doesn't matter what he says, you can't trust him. He's been disgracing your marriage vows from the start. Without the trust, companionship and bond what do you have? What are you getting out of this marriage? When are you going to be tired of playing detective?

 

It's time to start focusing on yourself, set short term goals and accomplish them. In terms of really what is going to make you happy. This is not a normal marriage and it's not ok for him to treat you like this.

[bluegreen12]

If he is cheaing already so early, what will he do in a year, two,....how about 14 years down the road?

[HeartbrokenK]

Thanks guys, I needed to hear that. I was scared to write everything down, I'm used to keeping all this stuff private because I was afraid I would be blamed. No one who loves their spouse wants to see the bad in them either, let alone talk about it with other people.

 

Everyone who knows me says the exact same thing - to walk away and never look back. My Dad told me that he believed I had married Prince Charming too, but that all he sees now is that my husband brings out the absolute worst in me.

 

Everyone who knows him says that it can be worked through. So I think what I've learned is that he's a charming little snake, the people who see through it are the ones he hasn't had the opportunity to influence yet. And I'm still falling victim to it, every day, because it feels like when I agreed to give it a second chance, all I did was tell myself that I can't do any better. I told him that's what I was feeling, that I was disappointed in myself for coming back, and I don't remember what his words were but he made me think I was doing something noble and being so strong.

 

So after I read all your responses, I wrote him a letter that said basically the same thing. What did my grown-up, big-boy husband do? He threw a tantrum, saying I was lying to him, and ripped my letter in half. You're right, he's a disrespectful child. Every time I confront him and remind him about the situation we're in, his cool confidence melts into a petulant 4-year old. After spending weeks crying and being unable to hold one solid emotion for 5 minutes, I thought I was the one being a baby about it. Thanks for the eye-opener.

[fooled once]

I can't image the pain you are in (hug) I am so sorry.

 

Definitely separate.

 

If he wants the marriage to work, he will take ACTION to make it work. He will show you he is remorseful and that he loves you.

 

You are young, you have a full life ahead of you.

 

Don't waste it waiting for a cheater to change. Give him a timeline and stick to it and then cut your losses.

[whichwayisup]

You love him, but there's no trust, no glue, no foundation, nothing to hold you two together and grow as a couple. He isn't ready for the responsibility of being your husband, let alone be a family man.

 

Since you (and you dad) see that he brings out the worst in you, then that's a big sign to separate now.

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

[bluestraps]

This goes against my beliefs as I am so gratefull that we have selfless men and women going to defend our country. But I realy think dating anyone in the miitary is a mistake especaly right now . But with all the problems associated with war . You need to be strong and get all the help you can And i would try to save the mariage but you defineatly need counciling.

[bluestraps]

Or maybe not

[HeartbrokenK]

Hit with a 2nd bomb.

 

Two nights ago, he was going through the search history on our computer and found out that I'd gone to one of those reverse phone number lookups. It literally had nothing to do with him, I looked up my own number first to see what kind of information people could get from that without paying. All it gave was city and state. Then I got curious, wondering if it was just my cell phone provider that didn't show up, so I looked up his number and got the same results.

 

I was in the shower while he was doing this, and when I came out he had the look of a deer in headlights. He started freaking out - the same way he did when I saw him cheating. Incoherent, irrational arguments about privacy. So I knew something was wrong and I started bluffing. I said something along the lines of "Well now I know everything, so if there's anything you want to explain now is the time". Found out that it wasn't just a one-time PA, it was an EA that started a month after our wedding (if I can even believe that, which I honestly don't.) There were smutty text messages about what they wanted to do to each other, smutty pictures of the trailer trash wh***.

 

I specifically told him when I first found out about all this crap that if there was any chance of working through this, he needed to be honest and get it all out. I needed details. He looked me dead in the eyes and promised me that was everything.

 

I promised him 6 months to try and work it out. I won't make my final decision made up until then, and I'm not going to back out early and become a liar and promise breaker like he is. I have my head on straight, I talked to a lawyer, I know what I'm doing this time around.

 

So now it's back to square one. I at least have my sense of humor back. I call the first bombshell (when I caught them) Hiroshima, I affectionately call this second one Nagasaki. Any advice on what to do about the rage that I thought I had conquered which has now come back in full force? What the hell do I need to say to him so that he knows it's ok to tell me the truth and that I can handle it? He seems to think that more lies on top of lies and betrayal is the more humane thing to do, even though he knows I hate that more than anything else.

 

Or do I need to just say "f*** the 6-months" and get the hell out now?

[2sure]

My H started cheating on me immediately after we married. Its been 4 years and the things you have just described have not stopped. He just got better at hiding it. I'm preparing to leave but wish every day I would have left the first time.

 

Even if you can get past what he has done...you cannot live your life with someone who has the capacity to look at you , break your heart, and lie. Repeatedly and Relentlessly. That tales a particular kind of person. Feel sorry for him if you must.

 

But Leave.

[eeyore1981]

Hit with a 2nd bomb.

 

Two nights ago, he was going through the search history on our computer and found out that I'd gone to one of those reverse phone number lookups. It literally had nothing to do with him, I looked up my own number first to see what kind of information people could get from that without paying. All it gave was city and state. Then I got curious, wondering if it was just my cell phone provider that didn't show up, so I looked up his number and got the same results.

 

I was in the shower while he was doing this, and when I came out he had the look of a deer in headlights. He started freaking out - the same way he did when I saw him cheating. Incoherent, irrational arguments about privacy. So I knew something was wrong and I started bluffing. I said something along the lines of "Well now I know everything, so if there's anything you want to explain now is the time". Found out that it wasn't just a one-time PA, it was an EA that started a month after our wedding (if I can even believe that, which I honestly don't.) There were smutty text messages about what they wanted to do to each other, smutty pictures of the trailer trash wh***.

 

I specifically told him when I first found out about all this crap that if there was any chance of working through this, he needed to be honest and get it all out. I needed details. He looked me dead in the eyes and promised me that was everything.

 

I promised him 6 months to try and work it out. I won't make my final decision made up until then, and I'm not going to back out early and become a liar and promise breaker like he is. I have my head on straight, I talked to a lawyer, I know what I'm doing this time around.

 

So now it's back to square one. I at least have my sense of humor back. I call the first bombshell (when I caught them) Hiroshima, I affectionately call this second one Nagasaki. Any advice on what to do about the rage that I thought I had conquered which has now come back in full force? What the hell do I need to say to him so that he knows it's ok to tell me the truth and that I can handle it? He seems to think that more lies on top of lies and betrayal is the more humane thing to do, even though he knows I hate that more than anything else.

 

Or do I need to just say "f*** the 6-months" and get the hell out now?

 

Just my opinion, okay, but I say get the hell out now.

 

I'm going through this same thing. It's been 2 years now since I found out about H's affair. He told me he wanted a divorce, then I found out about his wh*re a few days later.

 

First it was 'She's just a friend. The only reason I was sneaking around is because you would get pi$$ed if I was talking to another woman.' See how I'm to blame, and that wasn't even true, he talked to other women all the time.

 

He lied about EVERYTHING. He even gave one of our employees his password to delete wh*re's email addy so I would believe the 'No, we never emailed each other.'

 

So, here I am, 2 years later. He pushed me to the very brink, and now he is 'trying'. I don't think I care anymore. As far as the A and all his lies, I decided what I think happened, and I no longer ask, and I basically tell him to shut the hell up if it comes up and he tries to deny something.

 

December will be our 25th anniversary. 3 children, youngest just turned 18.

 

Grasshopper, you are still young. You JUST got married, and this is already going on??? Get rid of him, there is nothing wrong with being single, and there are a lot of good men out there. It just gets harder the longer you put up with this crap. Free yourself, and be happy.

[Malenfant]

Hit with a 2nd bomb.

 

Two nights ago, he was going through the search history on our computer and found out that I'd gone to one of those reverse phone number lookups. It literally had nothing to do with him, I looked up my own number first to see what kind of information people could get from that without paying. All it gave was city and state. Then I got curious, wondering if it was just my cell phone provider that didn't show up, so I looked up his number and got the same results.

 

I was in the shower while he was doing this, and when I came out he had the look of a deer in headlights. He started freaking out - the same way he did when I saw him cheating. Incoherent, irrational arguments about privacy. So I knew something was wrong and I started bluffing. I said something along the lines of "Well now I know everything, so if there's anything you want to explain now is the time". Found out that it wasn't just a one-time PA, it was an EA that started a month after our wedding (if I can even believe that, which I honestly don't.) There were smutty text messages about what they wanted to do to each other, smutty pictures of the trailer trash wh***.

 

I specifically told him when I first found out about all this crap that if there was any chance of working through this, he needed to be honest and get it all out. I needed details. He looked me dead in the eyes and promised me that was everything.

 

I promised him 6 months to try and work it out. I won't make my final decision made up until then, and I'm not going to back out early and become a liar and promise breaker like he is. I have my head on straight, I talked to a lawyer, I know what I'm doing this time around.

 

So now it's back to square one. I at least have my sense of humor back. I call the first bombshell (when I caught them) Hiroshima, I affectionately call this second one Nagasaki. Any advice on what to do about the rage that I thought I had conquered which has now come back in full force? What the hell do I need to say to him so that he knows it's ok to tell me the truth and that I can handle it? He seems to think that more lies on top of lies and betrayal is the more humane thing to do, even though he knows I hate that more than anything else.

 

Or do I need to just say "f*** the 6-months" and get the hell out now?[/QUOTE]

 

 

sod the 6 months. he's done nothing to deserve another chance.

 

why waste the time trying? you are worth so much more than that my dear. *hugs*

 

thank your stars you found out early and get out of there with your dignity intact.

[ajj]

Hit with a 2nd bomb.

 

Two nights ago, he was going through the search history on our computer and found out that I'd gone to one of those reverse phone number lookups. It literally had nothing to do with him, I looked up my own number first to see what kind of information people could get from that without paying. All it gave was city and state. Then I got curious, wondering if it was just my cell phone provider that didn't show up, so I looked up his number and got the same results.

 

I was in the shower while he was doing this, and when I came out he had the look of a deer in headlights. He started freaking out - the same way he did when I saw him cheating. Incoherent, irrational arguments about privacy. So I knew something was wrong and I started bluffing. I said something along the lines of "Well now I know everything, so if there's anything you want to explain now is the time". Found out that it wasn't just a one-time PA, it was an EA that started a month after our wedding (if I can even believe that, which I honestly don't.) There were smutty text messages about what they wanted to do to each other, smutty pictures of the trailer trash wh***.

 

I specifically told him when I first found out about all this crap that if there was any chance of working through this, he needed to be honest and get it all out. I needed details. He looked me dead in the eyes and promised me that was everything.

 

I promised him 6 months to try and work it out. I won't make my final decision made up until then, and I'm not going to back out early and become a liar and promise breaker like he is. I have my head on straight, I talked to a lawyer, I know what I'm doing this time around.

 

So now it's back to square one. I at least have my sense of humor back. I call the first bombshell (when I caught them) Hiroshima, I affectionately call this second one Nagasaki. Any advice on what to do about the rage that I thought I had conquered which has now come back in full force? What the hell do I need to say to him so that he knows it's ok to tell me the truth and that I can handle it? He seems to think that more lies on top of lies and betrayal is the more humane thing to do, even though he knows I hate that more than anything else.

 

Or do I need to just say "f*** the 6-months" and get the hell out now?

 

 

Hearbrokenk, I've read all of your posts. My heart goes out to you. No one wants to admit a failure. Divorce or ending a Life Partnership feels like a personal failure. We expend all of our energy trying to save the relationship because admitting the relationship has become toxic is somehow admitting that we failed.

 

Have you read Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass? The wonderful folks on this forum suggested this book to me. Described exactly what I was feeling and thinking and gave me some good insight what the hell was going on in my Life Partner's head. One of the things she writes it is a common misconception that (in your case) your husband cheats it is because you weren't giving enough. On the contrary, it is because he's not giving enough to the marriage. After the first time you caught him cheating instead of getting down and thanking deity his wife was willing to work with him after such a rotten betrayal he continues his ways.

 

By his ways, I don't mean the cheating. (Though that is certainly bad enough)

 

I recently gave my Life Partner the boot. Earlier this year he had one absolutley confirmed EA (probably a PA) and a couple of suspected ones. At the time all I could focus on was the cheating? Why was she better than me? Why did he do this? Didn't I do enough? Eventually, I gave him the boot out of my home. While living apart he wanted to try to work on our relationship with the goal being that he would eventually move back in and we would spend the rest of our lives together. And what did I get?

 

More lies, more head games, more heartache. Professional damage (he and I are in the same field- we work for the same company) and more expenses. Today I've been re-arranging furniture, updating my files. This part is the most frustrating. Everytime I come across a receipt showing how much I spent trying to "prove" I was worthy of him and realizing it was all a head game to him I want to scream. Each time I come across anything with a timestamp on it and realize that if I think about it for a second I'll realize another one of his lies and manipulations.

 

Last week someone asked me if he ever stopped cheating and how did all of that work out? I realized there was so much else going on I didn't even care about the cheating anymore. Even the couples counselor we saw a few times pointed out emotionally he was frozen at the age of a teenager. I never had a parnter. I had a spoiled, entitled teenager on my hands who wanted another "Mommy" to take responsibility for his life while he did as he pleased.

 

You have described some of that going on in your marriage and it is heartbreaking to read. Right now it is probably too painful for you to really consider just how much you've been putting into this marriage (and before that) and how little you've been getting in return because on top of his betrayal you'll feel screwed over a third time. From what you have written your husband comes across not only as a cheater but someone very skilled at getting you to take responsibility for his problems, his actions (he has PTSD! he has Problems!) but doing absolutely nothing to take responsibility for himself, for the marriage, for anything really. Probably you've been living like this for so long you have forgotten what it is like to expect that your needs be met if you even remember that you have needs.

 

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. If you decide to leave do so knowing it is his failure, not yours. You absolutely have the right to have needs and to have them met. Good luck to you.

[Dexter Morgan]

Its my belief, and just my opinoin, that no marriage where someone has cheated is worth saving.

 

more so in your case, 4 months is NOT worth saving if he is cheating already. dont waste any more time.

 

The more time that goes by, the harder it is to get an annullment.

[HeartbrokenK]

Well, since I can't sleep again I may as well update.

 

The "whole truth" came out, yet again, after he promised the last time it was everything. They were fooling around in the backseat of her car pretty regularly for at least 2 months. He made the mistake of leaving his email open and I found a video that he had sent to his email from his cell phone. Watching it was like being kicked in the stomach. It's dark and crappy, but there's moaning and definitely girating. He still swears they never had sex. But even if that's the truth, it doesn't matter, because they did everything else. I can't get that damn video out of my head. I think about it all the time. I think the reason it upsets me so much is because I can't tell exactly what's going on in it. I can face my worst nightmares, it's not knowing for sure what I saw that pisses me off. And he says he was too drunk to remember what happened. How can he tell me he never had sex with her if he doesn't remember some of it? F'in liar... I'm trying to be patient and bring it up when we're both calm, hoping that he'll tell me the truth someday.

 

Other than that, in the waking hours when we're together - things are pretty good. He stopped drinking completely. We're being more open about everything else - our finances are in top shape, we have been hanging out with other couples again, spending more time with our families, we're doing new things together to build a new bond, we have long talks about our present and long-term goals and have committed to helping each other achieve them, we're both looking for new jobs, and he has cut all of the people out of his life that were encouraging his previous bad behavior.

 

His best friend knew about the A, but all of his other friends didn't. His best friend had been spreading rumors about me to all his other friends, and they were elaborating and telling my husband how bad I was for him, that the reason a lot of the people he works with didn't show up to our wedding was because they didn't approve of me, etc. He cut the best friend off completely - little rat bastard was a groomsman at our wedding! And the reason hubby cut him off was because I caught him doing the same crap to another couple (trash talking the W, keeping her H out until 5am & throwing women at him). He told his best friend that if he wanted to keep their friendship, he needed to think about what he'd done and apologize to me. Fat chance it will ever happen, but it did feel good that my H stood up for me with the person who'd started him down that evil path.

 

So it's bittersweet at this point. What I'm getting at in a roundabout way is that he's doing everything I've asked him to do to work through this, but I'm still dealing with feelings that are hard to talk to him about. I still feel like our wedding day was a practical joke played on me, at my father's expense. Our marriage feels like something shameful and fake. When it happened, I made him tell his family and friends what he'd done - I regret doing this now because it's hard for me to look people in the eyes and not feel humiliated and like they're looking down on me. It was a big dose of humility that I didn't need or deserve. So how do I deal with these feelings, the ones that knock your teeth out? Rage and shock were easier because they're motivating, actionable feelings. The betrayal, humiliation, the loss of a wedding day I had been planning since I was five that now feels like a morbid prank - these are the feelings that leave me in a depressed fog that I can't see through. Anyone have advice?

[Angel1111]

No, this 4-mo marriage is not worth saving. Unless, of course, you enjoy torture. You're never, ever going to forget this. And there's no reason why you should.

[Angel1111]

The "whole truth" came out, yet again, after he promised the last time it was everything. They were fooling around in the backseat of her car pretty regularly for at least 2 months. He made the mistake of leaving his email open and I found a video that he had sent to his email from his cell phone. Watching it was like being kicked in the stomach. It's dark and crappy, but there's moaning and definitely girating. He still swears they never had sex. But even if that's the truth, it doesn't matter, because they did everything else. I can't get that damn video out of my head. I think about it all the time. I think the reason it upsets me so much is because I can't tell exactly what's going on in it. I can face my worst nightmares, it's not knowing for sure what I saw that pisses me off. And he says he was too drunk to remember what happened.

 

It amazes me the total crap that women put up with in relationships. He was in the back seat of a car making out with another woman. What else do you need to know??? His best friend was probably saying all those things about you because your husband said them to him. Stop defending a person who has done nothing but lie to you and betray you.

[HeartbrokenK]

Ok, let me clear a few things up so that I can get the advice I'm looking for.

 

1) I'm aware that I'm probably making a mistake. I'm not being blind and stupid.

 

2)I gave him 6 months to work it out. I WILL KEEP TRYING until 6 months are up. If I cut and run, it won't be because I didn't try. I will not do what he did and make promises I didn't intend to keep.

 

3) I want to see if it will work. It probably won't, I'm well aware of that. But I have to believe that all men aren't completely evil and can change before I'm cut loose on the single world again with an axe to grind.

 

What I'm asking for is advice on how to handle my own emotions in a healthy, positive way. They're my emotions. Yes, he caused them, he's responsible for them, but he can't fix all of them - I have to do that on my own. Anyone have advice on dealing with the betrayal, humiliation, grief, fear, paranoia?

[Angel1111]

It's not so much that you're staying with him and going through with what you said you'd do - but it's the fact that you're making excuses for him, or asking for details that really aren't relevant to making a decision. For instance, the video. You said that you wished you knew exactly what was going on. You don't need to know - he was in the back seat of a car with another woman with lots of groaning sounds. And apparently he was sober enough to run a video of it from his phone - and email it to himself at some point. There was a lot of pre-meditation in those actions alone. Also, talking about his best friend that he cut ties with. I can assure you that the best friend was only repeating what he had been told by your husband. If the two of you break up, I guarantee he'll be back with his buddy in less than a month. And then saying that his friends were partly responsible for his cheating. No one is responsible for his cheating except him. Stay if you must stay - but don't downplay what he's done. Listen to your screaming, angry emotions if you want some indicator of what you're trying to ignore.

 

All this current angelic behavior of his will disappear by next xmas. He cannot be trusted. That's the bottom line. I hope you didn't get him any wonderful gifts for xmas because he doesn't deserve them.