whats wrong with my long distance gf? What can i do to make it better?

[lolipop123]

My girlfriend and me have been having a long distance relationship for 5 months already. Im suppose to go and see her in december and stay in her town studying. But, she's been treating me like crap lately, I lied to her about something big a while back but we worked it out when we were together last month and ive been the best person I could be so far. Now she's been treating me like crap, always saying hurtful things to me like "ure a burden to me", "leave me alone", "f**k u", "ure a nagger, f**k off", "ure a distraction to me", "i love u and want to be with u, but i just dunno if i can anymore" , "idk if we are suppose to be together", "im so close to breaking up with u rght now! dont push me!"... etc..

After a while she apologizes for these things and we're good for a couple of days, but then she just does it again and again. It was our 5th month anniversary a couple of days ago, she hurt me yet again with worse things, and then apologized to me and started treating me ok. It was my bday yesterday and she treated me like a king the whole day, at night when we were saying gnite, i brought up the fact she's been hurting me alot and asked her not to do that again, she freaked at me and once again hurt me with things nobody should say to anybody. She ruined my bday at the last minute. Im very confused, because yesterday I lost my mind and called her and told her, "i cant take this anymore, either we break up or we work all of this out once and for all", she started to say "idk what i want" with some tears. I pushed her and pushed her, until she said "i dont wanna breakup with u, i wanna be with u, im just afraid it wont workout and that i cant anymore", so her final answer was "we'll solve our problems tommorow".

What is going on here? She treats me like crap, I give her the chance for us to breakup, and she doesnt wanna breakup? I dont get it..Shes been resenting me alot, and I finally give her a way out, and she doesnt take it? why? im so confused here.....any ideas?

[LucreziaBorgia]

She sounds like she is about 75% ready to break up. The other 25% (nostalgia, guilt, security, etc) is what is keeping here there. There isn't much you can do to slow down the process once it is this far gone. The most you can do is step way, way back and give her lots of space. This might keep her hanging on for a little while longer, but I'm afraid it won't stop it.

 

Honestly, she knows she can treat you like this and you will continue to come back to her so she will simply continue to treat you this way.

 

I wish there were a more hopeful message, but honestly - if you really think about it, do you really want to be under her thumb like this?

[Maggs]

She's an emotional abuser. If she came on here asking for advice and saying that you said these things to her and treated her like crap...every single person on here would tell her to kick your behind to the curb!!!!! I hope that's answer enough for you!

[AnnPod]

Hm sounds like she is very young and not that mature and does not know how to handle the situation. How old are you 2 guys, and how much is that distance?

[DelicateMelodies]

This very thing I went through. I was your girlfriend. Maybe I can help you out on what she's probably feelings and going through.

 

My long distance boyfriend lied to me about something big. In general, I have problems with trust and it is difficult for me to trust once I feel someone has betrayed my trust to ever really trust them again. Trust is especially difficult in long distance relationships, but it is the very life blood that keeps the relationship alive. I struggled before with different incidentences he might of lied, had the opportunity to, appeared suspicious to me but I chose to believe he was telling the truth. Because after all, he had never done anything that would make me believe he had the (lack-of) character to lie to me about those things. The same goes with my painful stabs of jelousy I would often get. Even though, I worried I ignored those emotions because he hadn't done anything that would make me believe he was the type of person to be unfaithful or go behind my back in anyway. I handled my fears by giving him long emails expressing to him how valuable honesty is to me, how it would destroy me if he ever lied to me- even just once, and how he would loose me forever and our relationship could never be repaired.

 

Well later, he told a big lie- at least it was for me. And I dumped him. We had been together for 6 or 7 months by this time. My trust was shattered. The boy I had fallen inlove with, that everything was going great with, and we would still of been together and happy if he hadn't destroyed EVERYTHING for us. "Why would he take that risk if he really loved me?" I thought to myself questioning his love. And questioning who he was as a person, someone who could and would do this.

 

But after a time, I did take him back. Something I thought I would never do. But something was different now. Things that never bothered me before suddenly did, and I had no patience or tolerance for it. They seemed to make my relationship, HIM more unbearable. The fact he never IMed me first, the fact I was the one always coming up with the conversation topics, and that he was always was so vague when talking about his day, the fact he never made me burst out laughing in our entire relationship, etc. Without being able to trust him at all, for him to not be that person in my eyes anymore who is honorable enough to always take his word as truth- the relationship felt less worth it and was so much harder. I think to some extent I fell out of love after I lost my trust.

 

But I had missed him and a part of me was still deeply in love with him. But Trust was the protective skin for the relationship. And without it, it was like experiencing the relationship with the sensitivity of 3rd degree burns. And with that senstivity of every little thing, without the skin, without a foundation, with the lifeblood I was so frustrated the relationship was so hard and I constantly felt on the edge of giving up and ending the hardship. And that frustration became directed as constant lashing out at him for all these things and telling him how constantly how I was on the edge of leaving again.

 

But after a long enough period of time- that time of constant lashing out, anger and frustration left. A lot of it, was re-falling inlove with him, time, ect. I would recommend for you to do everything you can to rebuild that trust with her. To not just never lie and keep your word, but wear everything on your sleeves, admit to every thought, intention, and feeling you have bluntly and honestly- even the types of things people normally keep to themselves. People naturally trust other people who wear their hearts on their sleeves.

 

But for me, even though the time of anger and lashing out has pass. I haven't ever completely rekindled what I had with him. Before I passionately dreamed of spending the rest of my life with him. Now I find that highly unlikey. But that is probably because I have multiple evidence that would suggest he is lying to me again, instead of doing the thing that would let me know for sure and confirm my suspensions like last time, I try to push it out of my mind. And just every once in a while foul mood threaten him about finding out once and for all...

[lolipop123]

well, in our case its a little different. Im always the one that wants to talk and she's the one who's always insecure and it's like its an obligation for her to talk with me. This weekend she proposed we didnt talk until sunday, and guess what..I didnt talk to her at all, but she was constantly IMing me asking me to answer her. Constantly saying "rules were made to be broken, please answer me i miss u". And wen i finally did answer at midnight (sunday) she started to talk alot of course, asked me to call, and I maintained my position. I didnt call and said we'd talk tommorow like she had proposed two days ago, so we could solve our relationship problems. She had missed me so much, and out of nowhere she wanted me to call and wanted attention so she tried scaring me by saying she was leaving for somewhere far for a while. I then called and it turned out to be nothing, just her wanting me to say to her "everything is gonna be ok"... She was at a party, and hung up on me like twice cause I was telling her "in order for me to say that i wanna know ull never hurt me again like that", so she hung up, i called back twice, called her on her disrespectfull ways, she apologized and we hang up to talk today (sunday)...Kind of stupid her wanting me to call and then trying to get rid of me no? Any ideas what thats about?

[carvidep]

I'm sorry you're going through this hun. But I agree with Maggs. This girl is an emotional abuser. She feels powerful in knowing that you'll keep coming back when she says such hurtful things.

 

You need to take some time to figure out what you want. Maybe sit and write out different things that you do and don't like about your relationship, and things that you would like in an ideal relationship. Also, give reasons why you deserve that type of relationship.

 

When you figure out what you do want, talk to her about it, but stand your ground and do not move. Make sure she knows that you are serious about what you're saying.

 

This may not help fix your relationship, but it can definitely help you gain more confidence in yourself.

Edited October 25, 2009 by carvidep

[hoping2heal]

well, in our case its a little different. Im always the one that wants to talk and she's the one who's always insecure and it's like its an obligation for her to talk with me. This weekend she proposed we didnt talk until sunday, and guess what..I didnt talk to her at all, but she was constantly IMing me asking me to answer her. Constantly saying "rules were made to be broken, please answer me i miss u". And wen i finally did answer at midnight (sunday) she started to talk alot of course, asked me to call, and I maintained my position. I didnt call and said we'd talk tommorow like she had proposed two days ago, so we could solve our relationship problems. She had missed me so much, and out of nowhere she wanted me to call and wanted attention so she tried scaring me by saying she was leaving for somewhere far for a while. I then called and it turned out to be nothing, just her wanting me to say to her "everything is gonna be ok"... She was at a party, and hung up on me like twice cause I was telling her "in order for me to say that i wanna know ull never hurt me again like that", so she hung up, i called back twice, called her on her disrespectfull ways, she apologized and we hang up to talk today (sunday)...Kind of stupid her wanting me to call and then trying to get rid of me no? Any ideas what thats about?

 

 

This is all ridiculously unhealthy. First of all, I agree that she is being very emotionally abusive towards you and she also does a GREAT job of creating an unstable foundation between you two by CONSTANTLY flip-flopping things around. Not good, not good at all. There are some things a couple can work out together, and then there are other things, where two people can't fix them, but rather the person doing and causing them needs to stop. She doesn't appear to have any intention on stopping..further manipulating? Yes, stopping the damaging, hurtful, and emotionally abusive behavors? No. You cannot have a relationship with someone like this, you simply cannot. You can stay, yes and all the power to you but you will never be happy with someone you care about tearing you down, it just won't happen. There will be NO happy ending with people like this.

[nowvoyager]

lollipop you sound much more emotionally mature than your gf, and much more able to have an intimate relationship - especially if you've learned it's a fool idea to tell big lies. I doubt she'll catch up to your level. Go and find someone who'll treasure you the way you deserve.

[SweetyBear]

Lollipop,

 

There could be a myriad of reasons behind your girlfriend's behavior, but the bottom line is she's hurting you. She sounds very insecure and I agree with the others who have called her emotionally abusive. To me, it sounds like she feels like she's got to constantly test you to make sure she's got your attention. When you're very insecure, there's nothing better than threatening to break up and then your boyfriend pleading with you not to. You get all kinds of attention and assurance that way--but it is in no way healthy!! She might not realize she's being abusive in this way, but she is. Is there a way to tell her that? Will she listen do you think? I know from personal experience that sometimes you don't "get" why you do something or know exactly how to stop doing it until someone points it out to you. Don't think at all that whatever lie you told merits this behavior on your part. She DECIDED to work things out and she needs to give a hundred percent to forgiving you and working with you on the relationship now. You've already told her how hurtful she has been, so now it's up to her to change that. If she doesn't, you need to find someone who loves and respects you.

[lolipop123]

Thank you for all your answers. Im beggining to think, that u are all right. Unfortunately or Fortunately, I do love her and do want to make things right. I quesioned her yesterday and bluffed at her, because I thought she was cheating on me or something. She has been shady the last couple of weeks and I just cant take it anymore, so I bluffed about receiving a facebook message of a friend of hers saying that shes been acting very shady and for me to be carefull. I then confronted my gf with this bluff and she immediatly wanted to know who said that and if I didnt tell her she would break up with me, basically I caved and she found out it was a bluff. She now uses it against me and says "U lied to me again!" and makes me seem like the biggest jerk on earth because i didnt trust her. Her attitudes during the last three weeks has been shady, what else was i suppose to do? everytime i confrnted her she would basically hang up on me and say that if i dont trust her theres no point in being in a relationship. Me and her got into a huge fight yesterday after not talking the entire weekend and her "missing" me. And today, she said "i have my mind made up, u cant change it, i wanna break..for as long as i want and need and afterwards i will tell u my decision of whether i want to be with u or not"..what is that? Of course I didnt give in, I think that is so manipulative..Its like her saying "let me screw around with who I want for as long as i want and then ill tell u if i want u back".. She basically wanted to not be my GF until december (when i arrive in her town) and then we could be together for good.. I debated with her about this issue for almost an hour and said my solution would be "give this a try, and see if it works..And I mean give it a real try, so that we can see if this is suppose to work or not..For almost an hour she didnt want that, she said no, it was her way or breakup. She also said that after all of these months, her friends and family and therapist told her to breakup but she prefered not to, and didnt listen to them, she said she believes she should have listened to them..After talking for another hour, she finally said "fine, we'll do it ur way, we'll talk tommorow, I cant talk to u right now and i dont wanna think about this too much, or else I might change my mind again"..And left me on the phone..

 

I just want some closure here..I spent alot of my time on her and alot of everything..I honestly think these atitudes of hers are pointing to her cheating..But i dont know anymore..She said shed give it a try, but am I fooling myself here? Is she really gonna? Or is she just gonna make it worse so we can deliberatly break up?

God, I would prefer if she told me she was cheating...It would be so much easier..cause everytime she says she isnt..I just cant understand her train of thought..It doesnt make any sense..

[joana_ferreira]

hey buddy--

 

well i know how much you love her, and she obviously does love you.. maybe ask her you want to understand where the aggression is coming from. communication is such a huge factor in a relationship. Girls are very catty and tend to try to hurt more so they can say i did worse. but be patient. you have to be optimistic. forgiveness and trust will make it all work!! if u love her wait it out, set the example and be mature. she'll end up stopping all that aggression.

[lolipop123]

I already asked that question, her answer: "because im unhappy and carry the stress of this relationship, we're always fighting".

And I say: "So lets solve that, and lets give it a genuine try not to fight".

she answers:"but i dont wanna try anymore..I cant handle this anymore".

 

idk what im suppose to do with all of this

[LucreziaBorgia]

This is the time when you say "I can't handle this either" and go ahead and break up. She sounds like she is more trouble than she is worth.

[joana_ferreira]

if you really want to be in thie relationship and ride out the anger, stick with it. if not really reconsider if you should be with her or not. you sound like you have a lot of remorse and want to make it work, but it takes two in a relationship. if anything try if shes acting like a jerk change the subject be like oh how about the football game? try to take the negative light and shine it to positive.. if she pulls the line oh your trying to run away from the problem, say dont bring the rain on a good day. i just finished eating the only meal that i had because ive been so busy.. that way she can start feeling bad for what she said...

[loveistheanswer]

wow i'm so sorry about this.

you can try to work things out but it sounds like she is ready to break it off. i'm sorry for that, but if she is saying those things to you..you definitley deserve better. how old are you guys?