DustySaltus Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 For anyone who knows my story, my EX did some pretty nasty things to me. I recently found out that she more than likely has Borderline Personality Disorder (through various sources). I also did a little research myself and out of 9 symptoms, she has 7 without a doubt. This isn't a post about trying to get her back. What I want to know is whether or not I should send her one last "scorched earth" email telling her the reality of her situation and the fact that she really needs to go to counseling in order to help HERSELF. Me? I am getting better everyday but the recent developments I have found out make me feel that this issue was a lot bigger than me and her. Now maybe it's not my business anymore....I don't think I could ever last with her down the line anyway without becoming a complete doormat, which I just can't let happen. They say a therapist would rather have ten bipolar patients than one BPD because at least the bipolar patient knows that there is something wrong. With my EX one day she would be the most caring person in the world and the next day tell you that you are the most disappointing one in the world. My question is whether or not to send this email to her. I know I preach NC just as much as anyone here, but this would be strictly a "one and done" email from me. Thoughts?
RedDevil66 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 You need to be cautious of diagnosis others. She very well may have a personality disorder and if she does, no email, no talk or no therapist can make her want to get well unless she wants to. And even so, it's close to impossible to cure a personality disorder. I found out my ex from many years ago had a personality disorder. When we broke up, I sent him all the emails explaining how sick he was and all he said was "I know, I know, I need help" Well that was 5 yrs ago and he is still the same insane person. Imagine yourself standing in a fast moving river and you want to try to stop the flow or the river. Impossible right? Well this is the same concept with trying to let someone know how they are. Denial is a GREAT survival mechanism, most people with any personality disorder need to live in denial or they will more likely end up dead. Just take care of you is my advice
Author DustySaltus Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Red Devil, thanks for your advice. I Know I am not perfect by any stretch but I always try to own up to my mistakes and learn from them. I tried to get her to go to counseling with me but she always refused and got really pissed off. I just wanted us to get better and be happy, I wasn't trying to point fingers. Imagine being a lifeguard at a beach (which I was at one point) and someone is out there drowning. You go out there and try to help them but they do everything they can to get you not to help them because they don't think they are drowning...until it's too late. And when you pair someone up who wants to be a hero, with someone who doesn't want to be "rescued" it's a recipe for disaster. Either you go down with the ship or you get into the life raft, but there is no middle ground.
GrayClouds Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 For anyone who knows my story, my EX did some pretty nasty things to me. I recently found out that she more than likely has Borderline Personality Disorder (through various sources). I also did a little research myself and out of 9 symptoms, she has 7 without a doubt. This isn't a post about trying to get her back. What I want to know is whether or not I should send her one last "scorched earth" email telling her the reality of her situation and the fact that she really needs to go to counseling in order to help HERSELF. Me? I am getting better everyday but the recent developments I have found out make me feel that this issue was a lot bigger than me and her. Now maybe it's not my business anymore....I don't think I could ever last with her down the line anyway without becoming a complete doormat, which I just can't let happen. They say a therapist would rather have ten bipolar patients than one BPD because at least the bipolar patient knows that there is something wrong. With my EX one day she would be the most caring person in the world and the next day tell you that you are the most disappointing one in the world. My question is whether or not to send this email to her. I know I preach NC just as much as anyone here, but this would be strictly a "one and done" email from me. Thoughts? Don't. I could be wrong but I suspect main part of the relationship dynamic was you being the hero and helping her through the drama over and over again. Becouse your a good guy and you believe that is what you do for people you love. That is a good thing, but it also can be a problem. If a relationship is built around that dynamic you can be a habitual fixer. You start thinking that you prove your love by working so hard to help her. And by doing so one day it will be rewarded. Problem is she never learns to do it herself and you never get what you need because your always doing for her. But it doesn't get rewarded so you give up feeling reject or worst try harder. This letter is one more example of you desperately trying to fix her issues. You want to wake her up from her sleep. You can't only she can do that. You can't fix her issues. Look how hard you have tried already and it didn't work, this won't either. It is up to her. And you? It is time to spend all that energy you been using to make her better and direct it to someone who deserves it and will appreciate it; You.
RedDevil66 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Red Devil, thanks for your advice. I Know I am not perfect by any stretch but I always try to own up to my mistakes and learn from them. I tried to get her to go to counseling with me but she always refused and got really pissed off. I just wanted us to get better and be happy, I wasn't trying to point fingers. Imagine being a lifeguard at a beach (which I was at one point) and someone is out there drowning. You go out there and try to help them but they do everything they can to get you not to help them because they don't think they are drowning...until it's too late. And when you pair someone up who wants to be a hero, with someone who doesn't want to be "rescued" it's a recipe for disaster. Either you go down with the ship or you get into the life raft, but there is no middle ground. I know how you feel, I used to (and to some extent still do) try to "save" others. It never works. I've been on the planet a long time and have learned over and over that you cannot change anyone but you. Save yourself from drowing :-)
muse08 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) this is a good topic.it seems as though personality disorders are more common than not. anybody have any working knowledge of disorders? my question: how likely is it that a sibling has the same or a closely related disorder as the other. my ex's brother is schizophrenic,clinically. my ex would tell me that his brother wasn't taking his meds and this is why he wasn't doing too good. i wonder if my ex has the same disorder and is just taking his meds...my ex is very flat for the most part.especially since the breakup.i hadnt seen him as frequent. when i saw him he was very flat...as if he was high or on meds.his job has zero tolerance for drugs b/c he drives a lot. so i really feel like he may be on some sort of meds. the pattern was: >when we first met he was really flat and strange acting >while together he showed more emotions >since break up he acted weird and flat again when i saw him last Edited October 24, 2009 by muse08
Tayla Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 what comes to mind is the visual of Flat Stanley from a childrens book. What in heavens does Flat mean? Sorry but my vocabulary needs improvement and apparently I didnt' get the updated adjective of flat to mean ? What? Flat chested? Very Thin?Anorexic? Flat feet?
Beeotch Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 You need to be cautious of diagnosis others. She very well may have a personality disorder and if she does, no email, no talk or no therapist can make her want to get well unless she wants to. And even so, it's close to impossible to cure a personality disorder. I found out my ex from many years ago had a personality disorder. When we broke up, I sent him all the emails explaining how sick he was and all he said was "I know, I know, I need help" Well that was 5 yrs ago and he is still the same insane person. Imagine yourself standing in a fast moving river and you want to try to stop the flow or the river. Impossible right? Well this is the same concept with trying to let someone know how they are. Denial is a GREAT survival mechanism, most people with any personality disorder need to live in denial or they will more likely end up dead. Just take care of you is my advice This is soooooo very true!
muse08 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 what comes to mind is the visual of Flat Stanley from a childrens book. What in heavens does Flat mean? Sorry but my vocabulary needs improvement and apparently I didnt' get the updated adjective of flat to mean ? What? Flat chested? Very Thin?Anorexic? Flat feet? emotionally flat; stoic, etc. your sarcasm is really uncalled for...
northstar1 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 For anyone who knows my story, my EX did some pretty nasty things to me. I recently found out that she more than likely has Borderline Personality Disorder (through various sources). I also did a little research myself and out of 9 symptoms, she has 7 without a doubt. This isn't a post about trying to get her back. What I want to know is whether or not I should send her one last "scorched earth" email telling her the reality of her situation and the fact that she really needs to go to counseling in order to help HERSELF. Me? I am getting better everyday but the recent developments I have found out make me feel that this issue was a lot bigger than me and her. Now maybe it's not my business anymore....I don't think I could ever last with her down the line anyway without becoming a complete doormat, which I just can't let happen. They say a therapist would rather have ten bipolar patients than one BPD because at least the bipolar patient knows that there is something wrong. With my EX one day she would be the most caring person in the world and the next day tell you that you are the most disappointing one in the world. My question is whether or not to send this email to her. I know I preach NC just as much as anyone here, but this would be strictly a "one and done" email from me. Thoughts? Don't send it. No contact is no contact. Sending her a note is a sign that she still has some control over your happiness at some level because you are not able to let go. Whether she is BPD or not is her issue now, and whoever else she gets involved with. The end line of a breakup includes no more involvement with their lives on any level, which in this case is a good thing for you. No matter how you phrase it, it will come across as bitter to her. Be thankful you no longer have to deal with it. Let it go and concentrate on your happiness.
Crusoe Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 My ex was bipolar, at the time undiagnosed but we both knew something was wrong. We had been to doctors and they precribed medication which worked fairly well despite no official diagnosis. A few years later we decided to start a family so she came off the meds. She told me she loved me, couldn't bear to lose me, that I must tell her as soon as there was any signs of her "going mad" again and to never give up on her. Three months later she was gone and I of course chased after her, (writing letters to her, trying to talk to her family and friends etc) trying to get her to go back on the meds, not for my sake, not to get her back but for her sake, so she didn't end up wrecking her life. Eventually, for my own sake, I gave up. If I could go back and do it all again there is no way I would have written that first letter to try and get her to seek help, from that moment on she declared war on me and sucked me into a world I never want to go to again. My advice, as you are no longer in a relationship with your ex and as you suspect she may be BP or BPD (only an expert can diagnose one from the other) then just walk away, stay away and dont look back. Its not your problem and you dont want it to be.
Author DustySaltus Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I have not sent anything to her. There comes a point in time where you have to step back and say: Wait a second. This is someone who tried to get you fired from your job, won't give you the ring back and called your mom the most fake person in the world. But then tried to have phone sex with you and asked you how things were with work without missing a beat. Why would someone like this ever have the rationale to step back and say, you know what....I have a problem. It will never happen.
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