aeh Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 As some of you may remember my story, I will provide a brief and painful recap of the last four months events. H and I have been married for 15 years. D-Day was June 20. A lasted 10 months with a younger married coworker. It has completely devastated me. I truly have a new understanding for how people evolve into mental illness or drug or alcohol dependencies, which I never before understood. I had a two week long RA with an old boyfriend. At that point, I would have done anything to alleviate my pain. I married in my early twenties, H was a bit older. This comes into play now. Even though I was great with getting married and starting a family when we did, I can't help but feeling this HUGE build-up of resentment that not only did my H get to have fun in his twenties, date around, etc and I gave that up but then on top of it, that here in my late 30s I discover that my H was still out f&^%ing around. (This also brings up the fact that when it came time for my bachelorette party, he showed up, got angry with me--we were just sitting in a bar and there were some guys next to us talking to us. Cast a pall over an innocent evening. Yet he had a bachelor party at a strip club) So there's some history there for you. So here I am. I've had a RA. I had three months of "hysterical bonding" with my H, endless amount of fantastic sex with him. We have either been cuddling, kissing or I'm crying, asking questions. I think about his A 100 percent of the time. My RA was purely an ego thing for me. I have never felt so unattractive in my life as I did after D-Day. We have been through a lot together, moved all around the world, built up a nice life, have two teenaged children. I want to move past this but I can't help but feel like I have no choice in the matter. I feel like either I have to bear the pain of this....or my children do (should we get a D).Yet, I am so resentful of being in this position and yet terrified of being alone or walking away from my family (well, breaking up our family). I do love my H very much but I will say that the number one reason I married him was because I thought he would always be faithful. He seemed like the type of guy who would never hurt me. And now what am I left with? If I was just dating him, I would either be done with him at this point, or tell him I want my space and want to date around. But we have children and this whole life together. Basically, I want to date around. Or at least have that notion that I could, if I so choose. I'm angry at myself for getting married so young and for missing out on other opportunities and now being late 30s and still getting screwed around in the end anyway. He had his cake and ate it too and now I want my chance to do the same. May not be rational but those are my feelings. I brought this up last week and it evolved into a fight. He practically had an open marriage for a year and then when the opportunity comes for me to see what's out there (without breaking up our family) it's "no". Last night though he told me if I wanted a marriage of "convenience", we could do that. He would want me to be discreet and once I choose this path, i.e. have a relationship with someone else , then there is no going back. We will stay together until the kids graduate and then go our separate ways. (FYI, we normally NEVER argue, are always polite to each other, even if you lived in our house with us you would think we had a great marriage) After we had this discussion last night, I felt like a ton of pressure had been let out of the bottle. I want to feel like I would choose him again, if given the option. I felt very loving last night..we had great sex. I felt like I wasn't trapped. It is the notion of having the choice that is so appealing to me. I know I love him but have recently been questioning whether I am IN LOVE with him after all of this resentment, anger, devastation. I'm scared to be with him, I'm scared to be without him. He is going to IC today. We've been to MC a few times and I am going next week either with or without him, not sure yet. It's not practical for us to separate. He says he doesn't want to date anyone else, be with anyone else. I feel like I was going about my happy little life and then the rug was ripped out from underneath me and now I have seen this whole other side of the world. I must admit after my self-esteem being so shot, now that I have opened my eyes to the world around me,there are opportunities where men are interested all the time. Has anyone else had this desire and stayed in their marriage? How do I get rid of these feelings if I don't go down this path? Please don't bash me for these feelings, etc. I am already at a very low point.
Katerina Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) There was a period when I had those same feelings (I also married young and married my H partly because I believed that he would always love me and always be faithful)... and I did have a brief affair for the wrong reasons several months after D-day. It didn't help with the pain or resentment in the long run. All I can say is desperate people do desperate things, and I feel that I was that hurt and desperate to do what I did. I regret what I did. I would suggest not to do anything you might regret later. Let your emotions subside, so you can think clearly regarding what you really want. Edited October 25, 2009 by Katerina
bentnotbroken Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 There was a period when I had those same feelings (I also married young and married my H partly because I believed that he would always love me and always be faithful)... and I did have a brief affair for the wrong reasons several months after D-day. It didn't help with the pain or resentment in the long run. All I can say is desperate people do desperate things, and I feel that I was that hurt and desperate to do what I did. I regret what I did. I would suggest not to do anything you might regret later. Let your emotions subside, so you can think clearly regarding what you really want. What would be the right reasons for having an affair?
lostsunsets Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 You think its complicated now. What your saying is you want start dating until you're ready to have sex and fall in love with someone else. When you are in love with both of them, your life will be much easier. Then you can simply wait until your kids are gone for your husband to leave you. Oh shoot. You still love him too. But he divorces you, because in that time you found someone else and fell in love with them, he said f it and started looking too. Do you impress yourself as the kind of person who can go out and date and have sex on your husband, and have him wait around till you get it out of your system? Not to mention the other guy. You will have to do one of two things. Find someone who doesn't mind that you are married or lie and deceive someone and hurt them. Think about how it is going to feel pulling up to the bar and taking your wedding rings off so you can go in and pick up a guy. Or do you plan to date on line and go on craigs list or Ashley Madison. I can see how this turns out and it isn't pretty. I was twenty when I got married too. I think about what I missed too. But they're choices that grown ups make. I know that if I acted on these thoughts I would destroy my wife and my life. How did you feel during the two week affair? Did you feel good about it? If so why did you stop? Picture growing old without your husband. Maybe you could still be friends as you watch him pair up with someone else.
Spark1111 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 This is normal. The resentment is huge. The affair changed all the rules. The opportunities to be unfaithful are everywhere, always have been, but I am assuming you, like me, never saw them, so never encouraged them, never eased your boundaries, never took advantage of them. It has always been this way, I think. The world hasn't changed. You have. And only you can decide how you will let this trauma affect you, what decisions you will make, how you will choose to act. The rule of thumb, following any life-altering trauma, is to wait AT LEAST ONE YEAR, before making any hard and fast decisions. After an affair, it is longer, I believe....2.5 to 5 years to heal, the SAME time it would take to heal if you decided to divorce. So....take your time, avail yourself of every avenue that will help you heal. I know you want this pain to go away TODAY, but unfortunately, it won't...no matter what you do or who you sleep with, or how angry you become some days. It has to run its course and follow several stages, and it can drag you kicking and screaming along every hill and valley. Its two-years post DDay, and I had a very bad day last week, triggered by an innocuous comment. We are heading back to MC....soon. I wish you peace, aeh, in whatever moments or forms it may appear. I understand.
Katerina Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) What would be the right reasons for having an affair? No right reason at all. That's not what I meant. I'm sorry it came out wrong. What I meant was that in my desperate mind, I thought that I was doing something that would help me somehow, but obviously it didn't. Also, and this may be off-topic for which I apologize... I didn't see this guy behind my H's back while he thought I was faithful (which is what he did to me with OW). We were "emotionally divorced" as Dr. Phil would phrase it... he knew what was going on, he knew everything. Which is what ae is talking about, I think - no secrets. Edited October 25, 2009 by Katerina
eeyore1981 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 He says he doesn't want to date anyone else, be with anyone else. I feel like I was going about my happy little life and then the rug was ripped out from underneath me and now I have seen this whole other side of the world. I must admit after my self-esteem being so shot, now that I have opened my eyes to the world around me,there are opportunities where men are interested all the time. Has anyone else had this desire and stayed in their marriage? How do I get rid of these feelings if I don't go down this path? Please don't bash me for these feelings, etc. I am already at a very low point. I understand, and have had a lot of the same feelings. My take on this is if I do end up deciding to have an affair: 1) I will have no illusions about getting away with it. 2) I don't expect my marriage to survive it if I do get caught. 3) It would be a very selfish thing to do. 4) People will get hurt, probably even my children, just for me to feel better. 5) It's really NOT the right thing to do, and I understand all the pain I'm feeling is warping my judgement. 6) Yet I also feel a LOT of resentment for all these years of putting my feelings aside to think of others and try to do what was best for ALL of us, only to be left going through this NIGHTMARE HELL because others don't do the same for me. 7) No matter how good an affair would make me feel, even if I got away with it, I would end up feeling very guilty and bad. I'm not sure if those feellings would outweigh the initial good feelings from an affair. I don't know what to do. I waffle back and forth all the time, and I am a little over 2 years out from D-day. Maybe you could still be friends as you watch him pair up with someone else. Yet, she has already had him pair up with someone else, behind her back, while she was married to him. IMO, this is an important aspect. See below. This is normal. The resentment is huge. The affair changed all the rules. The opportunities to be unfaithful are everywhere, always have been, but I am assuming you, like me, never saw them, so never encouraged them, never eased your boundaries, never took advantage of them. I wish you peace, aeh, in whatever moments or forms it may appear. I understand. BBM Exactly. If marriage was a game of poker, you're playing with someone who has marked the cards, has extra cards up their sleeves, and keeps raking in the pot, while there you are, playing by the rules, and you just can't win. Back in the wild west, those people tended to get shot or hung from the nearest tree branch if they got caught. I'm sure my logic is twisted, but IMO, when my H chose to see OW, he decided we had an open marriage, and just also chose not to let me in on it. Now I know, and since he opened the door, is it really that bad for me to walk through it? Especially since he already has?
lostsunsets Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Aeh and eeyore. I guess it comes down to whether you want a better marriage or a worse one. Hey, it will be one or the other.
eeyore1981 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Aeh and eeyore. I guess it comes down to whether you want a better marriage or a worse one. Hey, it will be one or the other. If what I wanted had any bearing on anything, I wouldn't be here. I don't think I could really go through with it, but Aeh asked if anyone felt like this, and a lot of the time, yes, I do. The past 2 years of lying and dropping little crumbs of truth here and there have been even worse than finding out he cheated in the first place. I allowed myself to get so depressed a little while ago I don't have the energy to get my stuff in order, pack my crap, and get the hell out. Probably some of my A thoughts are if I got caught, he would probably leave, and save me the work.
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