star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Hi guys I am really just looking for some advice. I had been with my bf for almost 11 months and I know it sounds cheesy but I can honestly say the relationship was great fun! There was no drama, arguments, jealousy and we both had our own lives so we were not living out of each others pockets. Then almost out of the blue he decides its over. He said he felt too pressured and that it was too serious. Now I know I am not the pressuring type and was enjoying out time together not think about marrage kids moving in. I was just going with the flow. So when I asked in what way does he feel pressured he started crying! Bit of background: I'm 24 just finished uni and have an ok job which might allow me to develope my career, however my ex has bee struggling a little. He is 28 and has been travelling for a few years so never really got to grips with a potential career. ,one of this bothered me but I know he was not happy at work. All his friends are either settled down, got career, married, kids and the day before the break up he was over at a friends watching his wedding dvd. And I have a feeling something clicked or was said. Anyway he started crying saying that he has never been in a relationship this long without drama and that he feels that the relationship could go somewhere but that he is a failure and has nothing to offer me. Trying to convince him otherwise was a no go. So we agreed nc for a month to see how things would go. That was last week however I caved and txt asking if he was finding this hard? He said he did miss me but he needs to be alone to fester. I asked if we could start the hole nc thing and he said yes. His text were really cold and I pulled him up on it! He said its the only way he feels he can deal with things! I'm now just lost. I know I have to look at it as a break up so I don't drive myself crazy. But do any of you guys think its worth fighting for or had the same experience? Phew sorry about the legnth just needed to get it all out! Please help!
Ronni_W Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Hugs, Star. He left because he felt pressured. AFTER the month of NC he'll have a better idea if HE thinks it's worth fighting for. Right now, it is not for you to "fight" for anything...this is your time to respect what he told you he wants and needs...space and time alone to figure out his own stuff. The things that you're doing -- caving, texting, "pulling him up" on stuff -- all of that is going to convince him that his feelings of being pressured in/by the relationship were accurate. For some reason, you went ahead and made the decision to pressure him...AFTER he told you that he felt pressured! That is NOT going to help your own cause. If you want to "fight" for a future with him, how to do that is by listening to him and respecting his own needs. That means maintaining NC for the full month. Yes, it may be difficult and yes, it is that you need to find your own self-discipline and not just go across all needy and lacking self-control. That will only turn him off and have him running away from you. I know it's hard -- keep your mind on your goal, which is to hopefully facilitate him wanting to get back with you...of his own free will and when he feels ready. Best of luck.
carhill Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 OP, another aspect is that, although he may feel pressured, that doesn't necessarily mean it has to do with you. My bet is it is due to his social circle and his own self-image. Sometimes people have to work their own stuff out. For him to say he feels like a failure, that's really telling. IMO, it's probably a good thing to leave him alone right now. No need for his negativity to drag you down. TBH, even though you're younger, you sound more mature than he does. Keep that in mind moving forward. You might want to re-examine your compatibility.
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 thanks for the advice guys i have never thought of myself as the more mature and i think your right and i think that will help alot. I just feel like after caving and texting i have ruined everything. my last text i explained to him that i do care about and that i am missing having him around, however i understood he needed to be alone, and although i hoped we could work it out, its time to try and forget about us the now and think about waht i want to do too. I said its best just to wait and see what happens and that i would not assume anything. Was this a bad move? i just wanted to be open about how i feel? do you think this applied more pressure? he didnt respond but im not sure if that because he was upset (he does not often show emotion and i was so surprised he started crying) or does he not care?
Ronni_W Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 (edited) i explained to him that i do care about and that i am missing having him around, however i understood he needed to be alone, The thing is, if you REALLY understood that he needed to be alone...then you would just leave him alone! So, your words and actions are in conflict and, if he is like the rest of us, he will place more significance on your actions. ("Actions speak louder than words.") Yes, every time you contact him, you actually are giving him something else to think about and that will add to whatever pressure his own thoughts are putting on him. It's not rocket science, Star. You are trying to control the outcome by staying in contact, and then you throw in that piece about, "its time to try and forget about us the now and think about waht i want to do too." Your motive for adding that is quite transparent...unless he is a total idiot, he will get it, too. Having someone else trying to control and manipulate you IS pressure. How could it not be? While he may well have been the only one putting pressure on himself BEFORE the break/break-up...you totally have been contributing, subsequently. You are the author of your own destiny...what you do in the present will impact your future. You do know the consequences if you keep contacting him, so continue to do it at your own risk. Edited October 23, 2009 by Ronni_W grammar
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 god, i really did not think i was coming across that way, thats not what i mean to do, its so hard texting and trying to explain how you really feel. I have now not contacted him for about a week now and i am going to stick to it because i know contacting will only make things worse. do you think after the text last week, even if i stick to nc , it wont make any difference i have still just pushed him away ?
carhill Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 do you think after the text last week, even if i stick to nc , it wont make any difference i have still just pushed him away ? Once the oxytocin stops talking (give it a month or two), you'll have a more realistic perspective on things. Right now, accept your responsibility to respect his desire for personal space, without analysis. Lots of other things to do in life. Enjoy
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 i can accept the nc part, but not the over analysing. do you think he will come back if i stick to nc?
carhill Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 If you stop over-analyzing and stick to NC, then there's a chance NC is to heal you and balance your psyche. It's not a tool which affects him. Any effect is incidental. His path is completely outside of your control. Acceptance.
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 "NC is to heal you and balance your psyche. It's not a tool which affects him. Any effect is incidental. His path is completely outside of your control. Acceptance. " sorry i had no idea how to quote the normal way. That is so right it is out of my control and i need to accept that. But if he did ever contact me, how do you know if its out of love or just guilt, for what he has done? i didnt mention this before, my friend is dying from cancer and has been for a few months now, and he keeps mentioning how he is sorry to do this during this time. So im confused on whether he is missing me (even though he tells me he does and says his feelings for me have not changed) or just guilty he has left me while im currently battling with loosing my friend.
Ronni_W Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 (edited) Star, I'll give it to you straight. This is just the way I'm interpreting it, of course -- if it doesn't make sense or feel 'right' for you in any way, please just ignore it. its so hard texting and trying to explain how you really feel. But he wants to be left alone. He wants to be FREE of your explanations and "how YOU really feel." He wants time and space to figure out for himself what HE is really feeling. THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. You're making it all about you...and perhaps THAT was the pressure that he was feeling -- to make ALL his thoughts, words, actions and feelings about you and/or 'the relationship', and just deny, ignore and forget about his own feelings, wants and needs. Maybe his pressure was that he felt he was abandoning/losing HIMSELF. Not that you necessarily verbalized any of that to him, but that maybe he totally got the 'vibe' of your neediness and your desire to be the centre of the relationship and ALL of his inner and outer processes. do you think after the text last week, even if i stick to nc , it wont make any difference i have still just pushed him away ?It's impossible to say, Star. All we can do is hope for an outcome that will work for BOTH of you. I do think that if you DON'T stick to 100%, total, complete n/c...well, you kinda will be drastically reducing the odds of getting back together. That is, in his shoes, it would be a tough decision for me to choose someone who can't control her own actions enough to respect me or uphold my needs, requests and desires; who uses manipulative and controlling behaviour; and who appears to just always want to be the centre of my 'inner world' as well as of our relationship. It hasn't been your intention, I totally get that. But, based on your posts, that is what's coming across as how you've been treating him and what you've been wanting/expecting from him. I know it craps out. It's difficult to NOT want to rush to justify and excuse our own potentially harmful/hurtful behaviour. But you must do your best to not give in to that urge, or you risk just creating even more damage at this point. He wants to be left alone...which means to be left alone, on his own, without hearing from you. I know it craps out. Look at it as being temporary; ONLY one month -- better than 12 months or a lifetime, right? Hugs. EDIT: It doesn't matter if he is or is not missing you, and your challenge with your terminally ill friend is your own challenge to deal with. These two items -- again, you're making it all about you and your needs; and losing sight of your ex's needs. This is what narcissism is -- always just putting one's self in the middle, and expecting everyone and everything else to revolve around the Self, make all the allowances, give all the compassion, etc. Edited October 23, 2009 by Ronni_W
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 again never looked at it like that your prob right i need to show him (ie nc) that i can respect his wishes and respect myself too not to text. it will be hard as its about doing not trying! well i have done the nc for a week now and it does feel alot easier, dont get me wrong i have good days and bad. im meeting up with his flatmate tho as he is helping me out with a big charity event for work. I just hope he does not look at it as manipulation like you have been saying! sh*t
Ronni_W Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 But if he did ever contact me, how do you know if its out of love or just guilt, for what he has done? Well, since he isn't responsible for helping you cope with your friend's battle with cancer, he hasn't done anything over which to feel guilty -- so you can forget that one as a motive for him contacting you in the future, if he does. I am sorry to hear about your friend, btw, and sending comfort and peace to your friend...and to you.
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 i know this is really sill question but if someone cries over a break up, is it over guilt or is it because they are not sure of they are doing the right thing. Im just so surprise he started crying it was not like him at all, what does that represent?
carhill Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Overwhelmed. Likely cumulative emotional effect.
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 we had both agreed to a month no contact but one of my friends said that if i done hear from him in 2 -3 weeks i can safely say its over, do you think that i sound advice?
carhill Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I wouldn't speculate; healing is better. It may be over forever or it may never be over. No one knows the future. It's how *you* approach your life and relationships which defines you. This is growth. Enjoy
GrayClouds Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I wouldn't speculate; healing is better. It may be over forever or it may never be over. No one knows the future. It's how *you* approach your life and relationships which defines you. This is growth. Enjoy yep what he said, enjoy
McGrupp Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 i couldnt read this anymore without contributing. perhaps my plight will help you. my gf asked for the same thing. i was so mystified. confused. angry. hurt. i called her a week later and asked her to come back. i begged and pleaded and she said it was over. she felt smothered then i waited 10 days and did it again. it didnt help. i demanded to see her. she said ok and cried. but nothing changed. then i waited 10 days and called her again, this time letting my emotions take me in a different direction and i became angry and said horrible things. finally i stepped away and said i have to change because i was becoming crazy. i apologized and then stepped away. however i have done so much damage i dont think there is a way back. so my advice to you is dont push them. dont do anything. its hurts so much. and you wont sleep. or eat. but dont make the mistake i made and if you feel weak turn the phone off and throw it in the corner. ive been 3 weeks NC, but i feel if i did it 8 weeks ago i would be seeing her tonight. time will fly. but dont make mistakes and regret losing your self control and respect. o and we had both agreed to a month no contact but one of my friends said that if i done hear from him in 2 -3 weeks i can safely say its over, do you think that i sound advice? they have no idea. wait the month. dont be the first to contact him either.
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 i have read loads and loads of posts and heard all the things people have done, and although i feel like going over, calling, screaming at him crying ,begging i have never done it.; Yes i did cry when we were breaking up over the phone but so was he and i stuck to the no contact untill last week. I know i cant contact him, id feel awful if i did. At first i was so upset with him i didnt txt back or call and thats when he seemed a bit softer about the whole thing in his text. He text me to say he missed me and didnt know what to do about fb relationship status as it seemed worse to take it down. (pretty petty i know) So i took mine down. Then he text about tickets to a concert he got me for graduation asking if i wanted them, i told him no he could have them and go with his friends. He text back and said he "would be too upset to go". After that there was no contact, untill i text last week, thats when he got a bit colder with me and told me its the only way to deal with it. im confused cause people are saying i am manipulating him and not leaving him alone, when i feel i have only caved once since we broke up and surely thats aloud if your hurting? i feel strong in myself to not contact him untill he contacts me, but have i really ruined everything over one fall back?
McGrupp Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 (edited) i caved lets see, 1,2,3,4 times. and the last was really bad. and im still hoping. and she still emailed me last week. no one knows. but work on you. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO NOW. Edited October 23, 2009 by McGrupp
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 but no they contact out of guilt or because they want you back?
McGrupp Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 well they may contact out of guilt, or b/c they are lonely. but u really shouldnt pay any attention until the message is clear: they want you back. all else is static and should be ignored if you can be strong.
Author star23 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 so it is best to ignore all messages until it says i made a mistake? What if after a month he contacts me and does not say that? do i ignore him or will this make him think i have moved on?
McGrupp Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 thats really up to you. you dont want to come off as bitter or needy but rather indifferent. the choice is up to you to reply or not. cross that bridge when you get to it. there are to many scenarios.
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