Is a relationship supposed to be this boring? Or did I simply not grow up yet?

October 23, 2009

My old threads tell my past with her.

We own a house together. We moved in together after being together for 7 years. My thoughts were that the sex would be better/improved.

However, my fiancee is just plain lazy in bed and will not try anything new, ever. She isn't even fun anymore, as she wants to sit home and watch movies.

We have good times still here and there, but I can't see myself marrying her at this point, as with the sex being boring now, once a baby comes along I'm sure to never get sex.

One of the main reasons I am staying is that she literally has nowhere to go. She would have to move back in with her parents at 27 years old, because she is not working right now (has an internship). It's not a matter of her keeping the house...because we would sell it.

I guess my thoughts are that I can find someone who wants to go out more, ENJOY sex (maybe drunk sex occasionally), and be excited to see me.

Or is it reality that once you get into your upper 20's/30's that sex isn't going to be as frequent/good, regardless of the person?

October 23, 2009

IMO, do not let her 'circumstances' hold you hostage to an unsatisfying relationship. When you discuss how you feel, what is her response?

The next time, try not buying a house nor living together until you're married, if marriage is your interest and/or goal.

Or is it reality that once you get into your upper 20's/30's that sex isn't going to be as frequent/good, regardless of the person?

IMO, intimacy and desire remain the same, whether you're my age or yours. The body slows down a bit as you age, but the feelings can be just as fresh. It all depends on your perspective about what sex is. YMMV

October 23, 2009

IMO, do not let her 'circumstances' hold you hostage to an unsatisfying relationship. When you discuss how you feel, what is her response?

The next time, try not buying a house nor living together until you're married, if marriage is your interest and/or goal.

IMO, intimacy and desire remain the same, whether you're my age or yours. The body slows down a bit as you age, but the feelings can be just as fresh. It all depends on your perspective about what sex is. YMMV

I guess I feel responsible for wasting her time if I end it. Reason being, she told me from the beginning she was not a partier...and for years our sex life has not been great. Then again, she could've left too, right?

I've discussed how I've felt. She knows how I feel. We have sex, it's just not great. She puts out a small amount of effort, nothing more.

I guess it's finally worn on me that she never initiates, and that when we do have sex she is doing it for me only.

I think I'd be able to tolerate the staying in all the time if we had great sex, just as I might be able to tolerate the decent sex if we went out more...but I really can't sacrifice both anymore.

I don't have the urge to cheat...but when I get smiled at by attractive women at the gym, grocery store, etc. I always wonder how much they would like to have sex with me...and enjoy it (if at all).

I guess part of me is just wondering if I need to grow up, and have to get out of the college mentality of "go out, get drunk, have crazy sex." Or if it's okay to think like that in your mid 20's.

October 23, 2009

How's the non-sex part of the relationship? It's one thing to not desire intercourse/oral/anal/whatever and quite another to not desire intimate contact whatsoever.

I'm not a 'party-er' and often feel like quite a homebody, but that in no way diminishes my desire for intimate contact with someone I love. Emotional distance was the only way to effectively drive me away. Your trigger may be different, and it sounds like it is, since I'm hearing you feel unloved because of being rejected sexually.

If you read JamesM's thread on his marriage, I think you'll find a lot of insight.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201696/

October 23, 2009

Ego,

I notice from reading your posts you're putting alot of emphasis on the sexual part of your relationship. Mind you, the sexual portion of a relationship is important, but should not define the whole relationship.

You've said you've talked about this, but I do not think you've phased this to her as you have to us.

I think the two of you have to engage in a serious conversation about the state of your relationship. I'll bet the farm she probably has some of the same feelings and concerns, but hasn't expressed them. Sometimes it's much easier to say "I'm fine, everthings OK" in order not to rock the boat. But, nothing is resolved, nothing is accomplished.

You need to sit down and have an open minded frank conversation about the state of your relationship.

Yes overtime relationships become dull and boring. Same routine, everyday, day in day out, you know the drill.

The key is to keep it interesting. Date nights out, having date nights at home, having bedroom date nights, all break up the routine.

Here's a great one I've tried and works oh so well; Pick her up at work, or school unexpectedly. Then boom, off you go for a weekend away. Surprise! Keep her out of the loop on your planning so she's totally caught off guard. When you do this, go somewhere she wants to go. Works even better. Dude, I had my world rocked all weekend.

Both of you need to sacrifice for the other. If you want to go out, she should go even though she's less than thrilled, because it's something you want to do. If she wants to stay home and cuddle on the couch, you should be will to sacrifice a night out clubbing to make her happy.

The main thing about all this is communication. How can you meet someone's needs and concerns if you know nothing about it?

October 23, 2009

SB253, you said

Ego,
I notice from reading your posts you're putting alot of emphasis on the sexual part of your relationship. Mind you, the sexual portion of a relationship is important, but should not define the whole relationship.

and I agree, but at their age it is a big part of it. When a couple is in their 20's and and there are no kids, usually they are in sync with each other sexual needs and desires. Once kids come along and they hit their 30's then 40's, then things slow way way down, and there had better be more to their relationship than that.. If this is a problem now, then it will be a cancer later. OP, I noticed that you didn't mention anything else about your SO such as you two have great chemsitry, are best friends, common interest, soul mates, tremendous respect for one another, etc...If you are having a hard time thinking of reason why you are staying with her short of sex, then you might want to move on now...the sex will only decline.

October 23, 2009

can't understand for the life of me ,why people think things will be great if we just live together! your sex sucks as you say,it is a big part of a relationship,she's only doing it for you. well it will get worse when you get married,just for the simple fact that she's not that interested in it. then you hook up with a non-partier,can't understand that either,especially when you like to. damn man,there really isn't much that makes you happy with this gal,not your fault,not hers,you're just total opposites. i think just sell the house a move on.

October 23, 2009

How's the non-sex part of the relationship? It's one thing to not desire intercourse/oral/anal/whatever and quite another to not desire intimate contact whatsoever.

I'm not a 'party-er' and often feel like quite a homebody, but that in no way diminishes my desire for intimate contact with someone I love. Emotional distance was the only way to effectively drive me away. Your trigger may be different, and it sounds like it is, since I'm hearing you feel unloved because of being rejected sexually.

If you read JamesM's thread on his marriage, I think you'll find a lot of insight.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201696/

The non-sex part of the relationship is average right now. There is not a whole heck of a lot of hugging, kisses here and there (when not involving sex)...but then again we've been together for a long time.

And you know what, I am feeling a little unloved because of being rejected sexually. Admittedly, she has gotten much better in the sex department (sadly, in terms of "not" saying no), but it feels like we're going through the motions...and sometimes it seems not even worth it to initiate it.

This sounds very "non-manly," but I'm not saying I want to cuddle after sex, but I'd at least like to lay there naked with her a few times...and maybe even go for a round two. The SECOND we're done having sex, she's out of the bed and into the TV room.

Ego,
I notice from reading your posts you're putting alot of emphasis on the sexual part of your relationship. Mind you, the sexual portion of a relationship is important, but should not define the whole relationship.

You've said you've talked about this, but I do not think you've phased this to her as you have to us.

I think the two of you have to engage in a serious conversation about the state of your relationship. I'll bet the farm she probably has some of the same feelings and concerns, but hasn't expressed them. Sometimes it's much easier to say "I'm fine, everthings OK" in order not to rock the boat. But, nothing is resolved, nothing is accomplished.

You need to sit down and have an open minded frank conversation about the state of your relationship.

Yes overtime relationships become dull and boring. Same routine, everyday, day in day out, you know the drill.

The key is to keep it interesting. Date nights out, having date nights at home, having bedroom date nights, all break up the routine.

Here's a great one I've tried and works oh so well; Pick her up at work, or school unexpectedly. Then boom, off you go for a weekend away. Surprise! Keep her out of the loop on your planning so she's totally caught off guard. When you do this, go somewhere she wants to go. Works even better. Dude, I had my world rocked all weekend.

Both of you need to sacrifice for the other. If you want to go out, she should go even though she's less than thrilled, because it's something you want to do. If she wants to stay home and cuddle on the couch, you should be will to sacrifice a night out clubbing to make her happy.

The main thing about all this is communication. How can you meet someone's needs and concerns if you know nothing about it?

We've actually pretty significant conversations about the relationship and sex. I'm not sure if the thread is still up or if I deleted it, but I actually threw in the towel a couple of months ago and said I'm finished. She went on to aplogize, cry, say I'm the only person in her life who she cares about, and that if I left her she would have nothing. I stayed. The sex became more frequent...but it's just not "good" sex. It's basically "let me have sex with him so he can not bring it up" sex.

Based on our serious conversations, this I know about her:

1) She is never going to do out of the ordinary sex (in the shower, doggie, anal, blow jobs)

2) She is never going to drink

3) She is never going to get into a routine of going out every couple of months

Those are bothersome to me. I've expressed it to her. When I listed things before the breakup and told her I could not live without them (not that I told her she had to drink or anything, more of #1 and #3), she told me she would work on things.

I can tell you also right now she is not into the pick her up from work, off for a romantic weekend. That wouldn't work. Literally, she would probably start yelling at me and be like "we're going home, I'm not doing this."

The situation I'm in is that I've expressed what I dislike, and even when she has said "well that's something I won't be able to do for you" and then I've attempted a breakup, she starts giving me the I don't have anyone speech, and it breaks my heart.

I truly believe I have a big heart, and it kills me to see her cry. I mean I felt sick to my stomach when I tried to end it last time seeing her so desperate to stay with me. I wanted to be like "babe, you're going to find someone," but in the back of my mind, I really wondered if anyone would put up with a lot of the things I put up with.

can't understand for the life of me ,why people think things will be great if we just live together! your sex sucks as you say,it is a big part of a relationship,she's only doing it for you. well it will get worse when you get married,just for the simple fact that she's not that interested in it. then you hook up with a non-partier,can't understand that either,especially when you like to. damn man,there really isn't much that makes you happy with this gal,not your fault,not hers,you're just total opposites. i think just sell the house a move on.

I made a mistake by buying the house. That's all I can really say.

Marriage and sex are interwoven. Problem in one area invariably influence the other area. Infact, it enhances communication in marriage, yet, it is the least topic discussed by couples or preached about in the open.

The obvious truth about marriage is that, it is done in the flesh and not in the spirit. So also is sex. Yet many people believe that, sex and sex-related problems are topics for the physician to discuss but not issues for counsellors.

This is narrow view about the whole problem of marriage and sex. And, periodically, issues of sex often arise in counselling sessions and, definitely, they cannot be ignored. Hence, it is important to help couples deal with sexual problems in their marriages.

When a man comes home after a hard day’s work, two things are on his mind- food and good sex (in whatever order). And, just as good food is a must for good marriage, so also is good sex. If a woman is stingy with sex, the man becomes stingy with you.

For a man, sexual intercourse satisfies his sex drive, fulfils his manhood, enhances his love for his wife, reduces friction in the home and provides life’s most-exciting/ pleasurable experience.

For a woman, sexual intercourse fulfils her womanhood, reassures her of her husband’s love, satisfies her drive, relaxes her nervous system and gives her the ultimate excitement/ pleasurable experience.

Now imagine what marriage will look like without sexual intercourse. The two are definitely interwoven.

For a smooth sexual relationship, couples must note that, making love to their partner begins when you get up in the morning and not when you go to bed in the night. Give your partner a surprise call or a love text messages during the day, show him/ her that you truly care and love him/her. Say it! Show it! Express it!Read more......

Simply put, she has told me she could go without sex and it would have no affect on her.

October 23, 2009

OP, please to take the time to read James' thread. He came here to LS with the same issue as yourself four years ago and has chronicled his journey here. I think you'll find some marked parallels in the sexual dynamics department.

Her statements to you are essentially a unilateral ultimatum. There is no room for negotiation.

October 23, 2009

Nowhere in your posts do I read that you love her or even care about her a great deal. In fact, the overriding feeling you have seems to be guilt over wasting her past and concern for her future. Not much of a foundation for a LTR, much less a marriage. Why waste any more of either one of your time?

Mr. Lucky

October 23, 2009

OP, please to take the time to read James' thread. He came here to LS with the same issue as yourself four years ago and has chronicled his journey here. I think you'll find some marked parallels in the sexual dynamics department.

Her statements to you are essentially a unilateral ultimatum. There is no room for negotiation.

Will do. What ended up happening? (or is that like asking how a book ends without reading it )

Nowhere in your posts do I read that you love her or even care about her a great deal. In fact, the overriding feeling you have seems to be guilt over wasting her past and concern for her future. Not much of a foundation for a LTR, much less a marriage. Why waste any more of either one of your time?

Mr. Lucky

Pardon me.

I love the woman to death. I love spending time with her. For years, I wanted her to be the mother of my children. But the last couple years I realized that though I have made sacrifices for her (moving closer to where she grew up so her family would be near, giving up most of my social life with my friends since she didn't like going out, and limiting myself to plain sex) she has never once made a major sacrifice for me.

I don't ask for much from her, yet I give her my all.

I want exciting, non-boring sex. And since she said she's not interested, I want us to go to a sex counselor. She said abosolutely not umteen times.

I want to occasionally go out on the town for an exciting night (dinner, drinks, etc.) but she never wants to...as she simply wants to sit on the couch, in sweatpants, and watch re-runs of sex and the city, movies we've seen 1000 times, and pretty much not have any interaction with the outside world when we're not working.

Personally, it's gotten to me. I don't want to be 40, married w/kids, and have her say "guess what, we're not having sex anymore," leaving me with the option of staying with no sex, or leaving and separating my family, while supporting her with my money. Sounds cruel, but so is the world.

Do I love her? Of course. Do I want to make this work? You bet your ass I do. But no matter what I've told her about how I'd like some things to chance, it's always temporary. And the one time I ended things, she came crying back begging for a 2nd chance. Things got better, but they are plain again.

October 23, 2009

Started dating my wife at 26. Sex was fantastic. The rest of the relationship was great.

Married at 27 - 3 kids - sex has been good to great all along. This year it is great. But we talked about it before marriage. I was very blunt and told her that I was going to be the great marital partner she expected, and that she needed to understand that sex was important to me, likely more so then it was to her. And that if I saw a difference in pre-marital and marital sex I was not going to be happy. I think if she had mainly been using sex to try to get me to propose - she would have waffled on that point. But she did not.

You are seeing all the warning signs now. If you marry this will only get worse.

My old threads tell my past with her.

We own a house together. We moved in together after being together for 7 years. My thoughts were that the sex would be better/improved.

However, my fiancee is just plain lazy in bed and will not try anything new, ever. She isn't even fun anymore, as she wants to sit home and watch movies.

We have good times still here and there, but I can't see myself marrying her at this point, as with the sex being boring now, once a baby comes along I'm sure to never get sex.

One of the main reasons I am staying is that she literally has nowhere to go. She would have to move back in with her parents at 27 years old, because she is not working right now (has an internship). It's not a matter of her keeping the house...because we would sell it.

I guess my thoughts are that I can find someone who wants to go out more, ENJOY sex (maybe drunk sex occasionally), and be excited to see me.

Or is it reality that once you get into your upper 20's/30's that sex isn't going to be as frequent/good, regardless of the person?

October 23, 2009

Question- What do you consider "good sex" and what does she do now that differs from that?

October 23, 2009

Will do. What ended up happening? (or is that like asking how a book ends without reading it

They're still married. There are four children to consider in their case IIRC. You'll really have to read the thread to relate it to your situation IMO.

October 24, 2009

OP, I am in a similar situation to yours. My bf and I have been in a LDR for almost 2 years and he is planning to move to where I am next year. I started having doubts after our last visit as he doesn't drink either, prefers to stay home watching TV/movies, and I feel that we are incompatible sexually. . . but I love him. Lately I also look at other men and wonder, but I wouldn't cheat either.

I am not sure if he feels those incompatibilities. . . it is a very difficult and scary situation as I don't want to make a mistake and both of us be miserable, or let the right person go, as he has other wonderful qualities.

Let me know how your situation turns out. I wish you luck

October 24, 2009

Pardon me.

I love the woman to death. I love spending time with her. For years, I wanted her to be the mother of my children. But the last couple years I realized that though I have made sacrifices for her (moving closer to where she grew up so her family would be near, giving up most of my social life with my friends since she didn't like going out, and limiting myself to plain sex) she has never once made a major sacrifice for me.

I don't ask for much from her, yet I give her my all.

I want exciting, non-boring sex. And since she said she's not interested, I want us to go to a sex counselor. She said abosolutely not umteen times.

I want to occasionally go out on the town for an exciting night (dinner, drinks, etc.) but she never wants to...as she simply wants to sit on the couch, in sweatpants, and watch re-runs of sex and the city, movies we've seen 1000 times, and pretty much not have any interaction with the outside world when we're not working.

Personally, it's gotten to me. I don't want to be 40, married w/kids, and have her say "guess what, we're not having sex anymore," leaving me with the option of staying with no sex, or leaving and separating my family, while supporting her with my money. Sounds cruel, but so is the world.

Do I love her? Of course. Do I want to make this work? You bet your ass I do. But no matter what I've told her about how I'd like some things to chance, it's always temporary. And the one time I ended things, she came crying back begging for a 2nd chance. Things got better, but they are plain again.

That doesn't sound like love to me. Friendship maybe, and the general comfort that comes from congenially sharing close quarters, but not love. Absent passion and compatibility, you're just living with a good buddy of the opposite sex.

But I'd guess you already know this or you wouldn't be posting these concerns ???

Mr. Lucky

October 24, 2009

Question- What do you consider "good sex" and what does she do now that differs from that?

Good sex would be passionate sex.

-Giving/receiving oral (she does neither)

-Being open to new positions (missionary and sometimes on top is all she does)

-Being open to sex somewhere different than the bedroom (in the kitchen, in the shower, etc.)

-Acutally dressing up for sex rather than flopping down in the bed in sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt

-Her actually initiating it rather than me EVERY time ALWAYS having to mention it more than once. It's never me making a move with out her saying "come on" or "really? right now?"

Anything else?

That doesn't sound like love to me. Friendship maybe, and the general comfort that comes from congenially sharing close quarters, but not love. Absent passion and compatibility, you're just living with a good buddy of the opposite sex.

But I'd guess you already know this or you wouldn't be posting these concerns ???

Mr. Lucky

I'm starting to realize this.

Honestly at this point the main reason I am still with her is because without me she has nothing (in a blowout with her parents and has NO friends). The no friends thing was her choice long ago...as she refused to become close friends with girls. She befriended guys and only guys...I reminded her time and time again that guys only become friends with girls because they like them more as a friend. I proved my point as over the years these guys stopped calling her.

Based on her reaction when I tried ending it last time (her crying hysterically and begging me to stay) proves this point.

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Is a relationship supposed to be this boring? Or did I simply not grow up yet?

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