Kamille Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 One of my former undergrad professors whom I admired, but never thought anything of sexually, told me that I was "too bubbly," and that people would have a hard enough time taking me seriously in my field anyway, because I am a woman. So, I've been paranoid ever since! That's a whole other thread topic right there . There are definitely some boy's clubs in academia. It only drives me to work harder to knock the boys off their rockers. I like to do that while being as feminine as I can .
threebyfate Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Just sandbag the condescending types and you'll be fine!
northstar1 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Just sandbag the condescending types and you'll be fine! Is this a new beginning for your screen name?
Kamille Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Is this a new beginning for your screen name? Such an appropriate screen name! I love it.
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Just sandbag the condescending types and you'll be fine! TBF, I like the new screenname! It will take some time getting use to... Though, I prefer "threebyfreewill."
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 That's a whole other thread topic right there . There are definitely some boy's clubs in academia. It only drives me to work harder to knock the boys off their rockers. I like to do that while being as feminine as I can . No kidding. Women are viewed as second-class citizens in many of the circles I've encountered. I too feel the same way--work hard to show them up.
northstar1 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) Yes! Trialbyfire was from a negative experience that's long over. Baby's need happy mothers. Thanks! Note it's still TBF? Can't say it was by free will since it was an accident! As for Academia, Kamille and northstar have great handles on this! I like it. it's catchy and we can still say TBF!! Now I feel I need a new screen name. Hmmm, GoodlookingbyNature? Sorry, back to the original post. Always , I say go for it. Life is short. Edited October 24, 2009 by northstar1
threebyfate Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Now I feel I need a new screen name. Hmmm, GoodlookingbyNature? Sorry, back to the original post. Always , I say go for it. Life is short.Since it's true, go for it! While I can't agree with going for it right now, since I can only advise caution since the risk time is over in six months, I do agree to go for it, once the course time has clocked off. Your education is key, for future planning.
TheLoneSock Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 TheLoneSock: Ummm...lol, well I'm glad for the offer, but I usually go for older men. Why can't I be like normal college girls and find a nice young man my age, you ask? Because I don't like inexperienced (and I'm not merely referring to sexually inexperienced, here) boys who don't know about life or women. Maturity-wise, most guys my age are morons--socially, intellectually, experientially, etc. There was one guy my age that had shown interest a couple of weeks ago. I thought there was potential, but I found out he's really no different than most of the other frat-boys our age. He just has an air of pretension and intelligence about him that was deceiving. I'll stick with the 40 year olds, thank you. Lol, you've been around the wrong guys. If the only guys you can find at college are frat boyish, you may need to expand your horizons... And be careful not to grow up too fast. Your real age may be 40 something, but do you want to look back and say you never got to be part of a 'young, dumb and in love' couple. I assure you it's not something to be missed. You don't want to turn into a boring old crazy cat lady that still pines for her now 80 year old college proffessors LOL. (just kidding about the last part)
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Lol, you've been around the wrong guys. If the only guys you can find at college are frat boyish, you may need to expand your horizons... And be careful not to grow up too fast. Your real age may be 40 something, but do you want to look back and say you never got to be part of a 'young, dumb and in love' couple. I assure you it's not something to be missed. You don't want to turn into a boring old crazy cat lady that still pines for her now 80 year old college proffessors LOL. (just kidding about the last part) Hey, I may be 24, but I FEEL like I'm 40! LOL, so I'm already the boring old crazy cat lady--I just don't have any cats. Being the "young dumb and in love" individual seems like a sure way to get one's heart broken. Not to say that being interested in 40 year olds is going to eradicate that issue, but I think the maturity level helps.
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Note it's still TBF? Can't say it was by free will since it was an accident! As for Academia, Kamille and northstar have great handles on this! I did take note of that! Which is why I offered another TBF(W)--maybe threebyfreedom would have worked better? Well, I'm so happy for you! Are you hoping for a boy or girl--or does it matter? :bunny:
TheLoneSock Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) Being the "young dumb and in love" individual seems like a sure way to get one's heart broken. Oh, well then by all means avoid it! If there's any chance of getting hurt, it's surely not worth it right? Bein' sarcastic of course. Sure you may get your heart broken, and you may break a heart- but it's still not something to be missed. You aren't a young college girl forever. If you sit there and say there isn't one guy your age out there, going through the same life experiences as you at the moment, that can melt your heart- what's that say about you? You will regret not being able to look back and smile at college memories of being young and in love with a guy your age. You'll have your chance to be 'sophisticated' and 'pretentious' the rest of your life.... live a little. Wether it ends in forever or not, and wether you get your heart broken or not doesn't matter in the end. "There are four things that never come back: the sent arrow, the spoken word, the past life, and the missed opportunity." - Arabian Proverb (I think) Edited October 24, 2009 by TheLoneSock typo
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) Oh, well then by all means avoid it! If there's any chance of getting hurt, it's surely not worth it right? Bein' sarcastic of course. Sure you may get your heart broken, and you may break a heart- but it's still not something to be missed. You aren't a young college girl forever. If you sit there and say there isn't one guy your age out there, going through the same life experiences as you at the moment, that can melt your heart- what's that say about you? You will regret not being able to look back and smile at college memories of being young and in love with a guy your age. You'll have your chance to be 'sophisticated' and 'pretentious' the rest of your life.... live a little. Wether it ends in forever or not, and wether you get your heart broken or not doesn't matter in the end. "There are four things that never come back: the spent arrow, the spoken word, the past life, and the missed opportunity." - Arabian Proverb (I think) Well, if you read the rest of my statement, you'll notice I grant that heartbreak can ensue regardless of age. I'm just saying to go around whooping it up and partying, being in relationships just to "have fun" seems irresponsible--even moreso than what I'm considering doing. That kind of lifestyle is why so many women end up single parents, trying to support their children by working minimum-wage jobs, with no good man to support them or their children. If that way of thinking makes me "sophisticated" and "pretentious," then so be it. I think I am just being sensible by not wanting to throw away my youth (and, potentially, my life) by acting frivolously with just any young fellow who comes my way. I do, however, agree with your "missed opportunity" quote, which is why I plan on mentioning my feelings to him at some point. Edited October 24, 2009 by always_searching
TheLoneSock Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Well, if you read the rest of my statement, you'll notice I grant that heartbreak can ensue regardless of age. I'm just saying to go around whooping it up and partying, being in relationships just to "have fun" seems irresponsible--even moreso than what I'm considering doing. That kind of lifestyle is why so many women end up single parents, trying to support their children by working minimum-wage jobs, with no good man to support them or their children. If that way of thinking makes me "sophisticated" and "pretentious," then so be it. I think I am just being sensible by not wanting to throw away my youth (and, potentially, my life) by acting frivolously with just any young fellow who comes my way. I do, however, agree with your "missed opportunity" quote, which is why I plan on mentioning my feelings to him at some point. Ok, you're jumping way ahead of me now. Who said anything about partying it up? Or getting knocked up? Assume much? Jesus... I was talking about love, don't know where you got all that from. Your situation just got a lot clearer to me. Yes, you should definitely go for the older guy. He might put up with more.
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Ok, you're jumping way ahead of me now. Who said anything about partying it up? Or getting knocked up? Assume much? Jesus... I was talking about love, don't know where you got all that from. Your situation just got a lot clearer to me. Yes, you should definitely go for the older guy. He might put up with more. LOL, my situation just got a lot clearer? Well, what I am trying to suggest is that the kind of "love" you're referring to stems from the same irrational behavior that leads to some of the other issues I mentioned. For example, you stated: "do you want to look back and say you never got to be part of a 'young, dumb and in love' couple" and "You'll have your chance to be 'sophisticated' and 'pretentious' the rest of your life.... live a little." The "young, dumb and in love" comment seems to suggest the "party" and potentially "knocked-up" attitude you are criticizing me for assuming. There is a difference between a "young and in love" couple and a "young, dumb and in love" couple. "Dumb" seems to imply a great number of potential situations that I'd rather not encounter at any age. Also, if you think liking older guys indicates "sophistication" and "pretension," lol, what does that say about you? To "live a little" has nothing to do with what age someone prefers. Though I appreciate your intended sentiment, this kind of response is what makes me question dating younger guys.
TheLoneSock Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) Also, if you think liking older guys indicates "sophistication" and "pretension," lol, what does that say about you? It doesn't say anything about me. You've shown that sophistication and pretension has attracted you in the past. I was reiterating your word choice, you took it as a personal attack instead of at face value. He just has an air of pretension and intelligence about him that was deceiving. Which, indeed, attracted you initially. Maturity-wise, most guys my age are morons--socially, intellectually, experientially, etc. In short, the opposite of 'sophisticated'. So... LOL, my situation just got a lot clearer? Yep. You assume too much, prejudge/jump to conclusions, and are too defensive. I would wager that you've actually taken the time to get to know less than a handful of guys closer to your age in a romantic light. Because you assume they are all the same, you prejudge their character, and jump to conclusions about their intentions. I could be misunderstanding you by a large margin, but probably not. I'm not attacking you. I don't even know you, I would never try to make you feel badly. From the outside looking in on your situation, this, is what I see. Edited October 25, 2009 by TheLoneSock typo
Author always_searching Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 It doesn't say anything about me. You've shown that sophistication and pretension has attracted you in the past. I was reiterating your word choice, you took it as a personal attack instead of at face value. I didn't take it as a personal attack. However, "sophistication" was never my word-choice, and I never claimed that I liked the "pretensious" aspect of the younger guy. However, I suppose "pretension" was the wrong word-choice--confidence would probably have been a better articulation. Which, indeed, attracted you initially. Well, not really, but I see you're point. In short, the opposite of 'sophisticated'. That's your assumption, not mine. Regardless of age, however, intellect, kindness, compassion, maturity, experience, etc. are desirable, and I wouldn't assume those things to indicate "sophistication" necessarily. You assume too much, prejudge/jump to conclusions, and are too defensive. LOL, well it seems to me you're the one making assumptions here, but prehaps I need a "jump to conclusions mat"? :lmao: (Hahaha, sorry, had to throw in the Office Space reference) I would wager that you've actually taken the time to get to know less than a handful of guys closer to your age in a romantic light. Because you assume they are all the same, you prejudge their character, and jump to conclusions about their intentions. Hmm, well, it's true that I don't bother getting to know younger guys in a romantic light, because those who approch me are generally revolting. It's not that I intend to make an assumption about an entire age-group, but it's true that I find most of them are unable to think clearly, don't know how to act around women, don't care for their person properly, are only interested in slap-stick humor, and possess other such attributes that I am not particularly interested in. I'm actually good friends with a number of guys, so it's not that I have it out for younger guys, I am just not sexually attracted to them. I don't think there's much that I can do to alter the latter issue. I could be misunderstanding you by a large margin, but probably not. Looks like you need a "jump to conclusions mat" too! I'm not attacking you. I don't even know you, I would never try to make you feel badly. From the outside looking in on your situation, this, is what I see. Fair enough.
TheLoneSock Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I already have a mat of my own. In fact I use it in combination with a trampoline for that added burst of power and distance. I get great results!
SadandConfusedWA Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 AS, I was in almost similar situation for years. Only difference is he was my former professor and now a boss. He is married with kids though, and even that didn't stop my feelings from developing. Like you, I felt this incredible sexual attraction to him - strongest I have ever felt and he was/is one of the most intelligent men I have ever met. You need to be careful here, I became so distracted by him that my grad school performance suffered and now work performance is mediocre. My mental space was occupied 90% by him and about 10% with my work. Of course given that I respect him being married I never confessed to my feelings and I never will. I think one of the most dangerous things that feeds crushes like this is thought that the other person feels the same. Given that those men are our professors and bosses, they ethically can not make a move. This makes us over romanticize things. If you *knew* that he doesn't feel the same way and is not rejecting you because it is inappropriate I think you/I would move on (I know he hasn't rejected you yet and mine hasn't either). I guess my main point here is: is he not acting on his feelings because they are inappropriate or does he simply not have those feelings for you? How do we tell the difference? Are there any signs that you observed that you think signal romantic interest? Does he check you out or make prolonged eye contact? In my case I thought that my boss likes me because he was spending lots of time with me going over work (even when unnecessary) and we would often e-mail after hours with funny and witty e-mails. He would also check me out frequently. I thought those were all signs, until he hired a new research assistant and did exactly the same thing with her (she is openly gay BTW and very butch so I know he doesn't find her attractive). Anyway, turns out this is just his working style. Some professors and bosses are just more personal than others. (for all I know he checks out every girl he sees too). Sorry for the length but given that your crush is divorced, I would wait till the end of semester and confess your feelings and let chips fall where they may. At least there will be some resolution, one way or the other.
Author always_searching Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) Thank you for sharing your story, SadandConfusedWA. My grad work has definitely suffered because of this--I can't seem to concentrate. However, this issue especially manifests during his class. To those students whom he likes: he is a very friendly individual. However, he can sometimes be a sarcastic jerk depending upon the person. I think that is one reason why I feel uncertain about his feelings: there will be times in class when people ask questions of the same caliber that I would ask, but he completely shuts them down--rather harshly, actually. However, when I ask questions, he is very gentle and thorough in his responses, even if I ask something that he clearly thinks has an obvious answer. Again, though, there are other students who he acts similarly toward. As far as eye contact, it happens frequently, but it might be nothing. Actually, I noticed it more frequently at the beginning of the semester than now--that may have been a factor in my liking him, as I felt like he was talking directly to me. Again, though, I can't be certain that that means anything. Finally, as I've stated before, we talk about things that aren't necessarily class related, but he does chat with certain students. So, again, I can't be certain that it means anything. I think the uncertainty is what's killing me. If he told me he was absolutely not interested: I would be fine. If he told me he was interested, but couldn't act on it, etc.: I would be fine. It's primarily my liking him and not being sure what he thinks of me, thus reading into all of these minute actions that is driving me crazy. I'm sorry to hear that you too are going through a similar situation and that you now work for him! That must be agony. I know he's married, but maybe you could talk to him anyway? Not expecting anything, of course, but just to get those feelings out there so you can start healing? Or, maybe tell him that you would rather him not be as friendly with you? Of course, it wouldn't help matters if he feels the same way, since he's married...unless that's a route that you don't mind going down. I'm not advocating for anything, but just articulating various options. Oh, that is another point that I would like to bring up, though: during our talks, he told me that he is divorced, no kids, etc. However, I just found out from a friend of mine who also has chatted with him that he is apparently dating someone. Now, I am quite certain that he is not oblivious to my attraction for him, however during our chats, which have gotten personal, he failed to mention a girlfriend. Not, of course, that it is any of my business, but if I were a professor, had an inclination that a student liked me, but had a boyfriend and wasn't interested in the student: I would somehow mention the boyfriend. I mean, I would be sure to bring it up, as to let that student know that I was off-limits. Again, maybe he really has no idea that I like him and/or just felt that it was none of my business, as it's not. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing everything, which is probably the more likely issue. What I'm more worried about than anything else is him getting in trouble--I'm actually a little worried about even posting this via my computer which is connected to the school network, as it could somehow get back to him or to the administration. Regardless of my feelings, he is such a good professor--one of the best here, and it would be an utter shame for him to lose his position because of my damned irrational feelings. Anyway, thanks again for sharing your story. Edited October 25, 2009 by always_searching
Kamille Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I doubt a professor could get fired over a student crushing on him and nothing you've reported casts him in an unprofessional light. But why don't you find out what your school's policy is on student-professor dating once they no longer have a professional relationship together (in other words, once you've finished your course work). Another question for you is: if your degree has a thesis requirement, what are the chances that he might be involved in your committee?
threebyfate Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I did take note of that! Which is why I offered another TBF(W)--maybe threebyfreedom would have worked better? Well, I'm so happy for you! Are you hoping for a boy or girl--or does it matter? :bunny:True. As for freedom, that's gone for life...haha...but in a good way! It doesn't matter which gender. We're hoping for healthy, all limbs intact. I'm hoping for a reasonably easy delivery. Your prof. sounds like he gauges each student and decides which method of instruction is more effective, whether he uses sarcasm or gentleness. IMO, that's a good prof.
Author always_searching Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 True. As for freedom, that's gone for life...haha...but in a good way! It doesn't matter which gender. We're hoping for healthy, all limbs intact. I'm hoping for a reasonably easy delivery. Your prof. sounds like he gauges each student and decides which method of instruction is more effective, whether he uses sarcasm or gentleness. IMO, that's a good prof. Hahaha, well, in eight months and a couple of weeks (assuming you just found out?), I'll be praying that the delivery goes well! :bunny: Oh, yes. He is a good professor. However, it's not that he's merely sarcastic to some of these students, but, rather, he can be down-right mean sometimes--which I find to be funny, but I know some of his students are afraid of him. Anyway, I think--actually, I am certain--that there are just some students whom he doesn't like. At least I'm not in that category! I think/hope not, anyway... Kamille: Well, I didn't think so, but I'm still nervous as I attend a very--VERY--conservative school. I believe the student/teacher dating policy is pretty strict here. I know it is 100% off limits if the student is in the class or will be in a future class--though, it's like that at most universities. It may even be that it's not allowed if the student is in the professor's department--I'm not sure. However, I believe it's fine as long as the professor will have nothing to do with the student academically. So, technically, I doubt very much that this situation would fly with the board. Anyway, that's why I'm so paranoid--this is an ultra conservative school. I'm certain that if, for example, a professor were married and found to be having an affair, despite whether it was even with a student: they would be reprimanded. It's actually quite preposterous how narrow-minded this school is, especially in regard to sex/sexuality (even just among the students). However, I was aware of all that before I attended. As far as a thesis: there is a thesis, which I'll be defending next semester. I would definitely want him on the panel just because he is freaking brilliant and I know he would have no problem tearing it to pieces, which is what I want. I feel much better having just written this all out. I now feel very much capable of keeping this issue to myself and waiting out the semester and a half before confronting him, if I even do. Thanks to everyone for your insights! You helped reestablish my rational sphere over the passionate one...
Recommended Posts