always_searching Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I am in need of your assistance! So, those of you who don't know: I have had a slight crush on my graduate professor since the beginning of this year. He is divorced and in his 40's (I believe). I've written a couple of posts about the situation, but to summarize: I am a grad student, I am in this professor's class, I only have one more semester before I graduate, and I'm really not certain as to his thoughts about me--we do talk about things that are not class related, but I can't be certain that he doesn't have discussions of the same sort with other students. Regardless, what was a "slight crush" at the beginning of the year has now escalated into ridiculous crush. I mean, I can't make it through one class (which is only an hour and fifteen minutes) without thinking about sex! I can't focus on my damn studies, because I am constantly concerned about shacking-up with him! It's turned into a consuming sickness. Okay, so I realize this crush is idiotically childlike. I've really not experienced having a sentiment of this magnitude regarding a professor. I mean, I've had professors whom I found to be aesthetically attractive and/or intellectual, which are both kinds of attraction, I suppose. However, I'm very rarely sexually attracted to anyone, and I've never been this sexually attracted to a professor. It's to the point where I am debating not taking his class next semester (though I really want to because not only is he freaking brilliant, but the class is on a topic that I thoroughly enjoy), because I am actually considering acting upon this. What in the hell is wrong with me?! I am in school to get an education--I need to focus on my studies so that I can get my PhD and teach! I can't avoid classes that will benefit my career in the long run because I want to hook-up with my professor! Not only would it be seriously stupid for me to act on this due to the repercussions it could have on me, but it would be entirely selfish for me to put that burden on him. I mean, the situation could only end badly. Either he feels the same way and we act this out, which would be entirely unethical and could probably get him fired and/or me kicked out; he feels the same way, but doesn't act on it, but then there's still the problem of not being able to take his class; he doesn't feel the same way, and he would feel obligated to report it, perhaps resulting in my being kicked out; or he doesn't feel the same way, and he keeps it to himself, but then I can't take the class that I want to, because I've confessed having feelings for him! So, what should I do? Do I attempt to indulge in my carnal desires, which may or may not result in my intended outcome? Or, do I be a responsible adult and get over this so I can focus on my career? Clearly, the rational answer is the latter. I know this, yet I still am seriously debating acting on the former. This is where I need a reality-check! Please help me out! Though I don't really want to, how do I "get back to reality" so to speak and stop lusting after my professor? Should I avoid talking to him? Regardless of whether I tell him or not, should I still not sign up for his class as this attraction is becoming a impediment? That seems like such a waste, as I really do want to take his class for the class itself and not merely because of him, and I should have enough control over my thoughts as to end this problem. I apologize for the length, and I'm not entirely certain that this thread belongs in the dating section--wishful thinking, I suppose. Still, any (helpful) thoughts would be appreciated!
TheLoneSock Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I have a simple answer to your problem. Just indulge in your carnal desires with me. Lol, I think this is a case of you wanting what you don't feel you can have, wanting what you shouldn't want, and over fantasizing about someone who's probably not that great. You really can't find a good looking, smart, young buck to rock your world like the other college girls?
boogieboy Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Haas it ever crossed your mind that he might be a proffessional and might say no to your carnal urges because of the strict no-teacher-student-shagging policy?
Sam Spade Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Haas it ever crossed your mind that he might be a proffessional and might say no to your carnal urges because of the strict no-teacher-student-shagging policy? That, and that unless he is a complete idiot, he will say NO, regardless of how he feels. After you graduate - by all means, but before that you're putting your and his career at risk. I'm not saying that I approve of these strict policies, but that's life. Back home professors and students go at it no problem , the only requirement is that the student's work is graded by somebody else. Finally, as I've said before, such crushes are rarely authentic - it is very easy to mistake your needs with the authority figure's assets (which is why they seem so perfect). (Not that I would care if it was possible to "do" with no consequences )
boogieboy Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 That, and that unless he is a complete idiot, he will say NO, regardless of how he feels. After you graduate - by all means, but before that you're putting your and his career at risk. I'm not saying that I approve of these strict policies, but that's life. YEah, how does he know that if he doesnt like you after a few dates, that you wont report him to the dean deliberately to ruin his career?
Kamille Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Been there. I had this ridiculous crush on one of my professors in my first year of grad school. I never actually considered doing anything about it - but I did spend so much time fantasizing about the prof. Nothing ever came out of it, but yes, it was torture for a whole semester. I did end up dating another professor I had a crush on after I graduated from that University. (Yes, I had many crushes on professors. What can I say, I love smart men). Wish I could actually advise you, but I can't other than to say: You only have one more semester to go. That's six months. You can push those emotions down for six months and then, once you're al done your course work, who's to say you can't act on your impulses?
Trialbyfire Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Do you recall the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, where that girl blinks in class at Harrison Ford, and she's written "I love you" on her eyelids? You've already evaluated all the reasons why not to do this. Keep in mind that once you've completed these necessary courses, he'll still be there!
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Haas it ever crossed your mind that he might be a proffessional and might say no to your carnal urges because of the strict no-teacher-student-shagging policy? LOL, of course it has! That is why I listed potential outcomes: Either he feels the same way and we act this out, which would be entirely unethical and could probably get him fired and/or me kicked out; he feels the same way, but doesn't act on it, but then there's still the problem of not being able to take his class; he doesn't feel the same way, and he would feel obligated to report it, perhaps resulting in my being kicked out; or he doesn't feel the same way, and he keeps it to himself, but then I can't take the class that I want to, because I've confessed having feelings for him!
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) YEah, how does he know that if he doesnt like you after a few dates, that you wont report him to the dean deliberately to ruin his career? LOL, that's terrible. I'm neither a child--though, I do question my maturity for having such a ridiculous juvenile crush; nor am I a bitch. So, I hope he would know that I wouldn't do that. But, you're right: I'm sure that is a possible concern. Sam_Spade: You're phenomenal. I'm sure if you were my professor, I would crush on you as well! Thank you for your input. I know you're right. Rationally, I know what I ought to do viz. keep it to myself and wait out the six months. Who knows, maybe at the end of those six months, I will have realized the inauthenticity of my feelings. I really doubt it though, as I've analyzed the hell out of them, and have come to the conclusion that it is neither transference, nor is it some sort of disordered eros that is merely my desire to possess his qualities, which is manifesting into lusting after him--though, that is entailed in my current predicament. I really just like him. Ugh. I hate feelings--affections suck. Why can't I just be a stoic?! TheLoneSock: Ummm...lol, well I'm glad for the offer, but I usually go for older men. Why can't I be like normal college girls and find a nice young man my age, you ask? Because I don't like inexperienced (and I'm not merely referring to sexually inexperienced, here) boys who don't know about life or women. Maturity-wise, most guys my age are morons--socially, intellectually, experientially, etc. There was one guy my age that had shown interest a couple of weeks ago. I thought there was potential, but I found out he's really no different than most of the other frat-boys our age. He just has an air of pretension and intelligence about him that was deceiving. I'll stick with the 40 year olds, thank you. Trialbyfire: LOL! I thought about doing the eyelid thing, but that may be a little too obvious. Instead, I was thinking of showing up to class in nothing but a trench coat and heels. Seriously, thanks TBF. I know you're right. I just hope I can be rational enough to not do anything stupid in the next few months... Edited October 24, 2009 by always_searching
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Been there. I had this ridiculous crush on one of my professors in my first year of grad school. I never actually considered doing anything about it - but I did spend so much time fantasizing about the prof. Nothing ever came out of it, but yes, it was torture for a whole semester. I did end up dating another professor I had a crush on after I graduated from that University. (Yes, I had many crushes on professors. What can I say, I love smart men). Wish I could actually advise you, but I can't other than to say: You only have one more semester to go. That's six months. You can push those emotions down for six months and then, once you're al done your course work, who's to say you can't act on your impulses? I'm so glad you can empathize, Kamille! I too love smart men...:love: You're right. Six months is no time at all, really.
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I'm feeling ignored ! Sorry! I meant to add you to the list! So, you actually married one of your professors? You're living the dream...
Kamille Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 No I didn't marry him. I'm way too commitmentphobic for marriage ! No, after him I dated another professor (as I was a sessional in his department) and am currently seeing a fellow grad student. Love smart men. Academia is like a candy store.
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 No I didn't marry him. I'm way too commitmentphobic for marriage ! No, after him I dated another professor (as I was a sessional in his department) and am currently seeing a fellow grad student. Love smart men. Academia is like a candy store. :lmao: That's great. I feel pretty much the same way: academia like an intellectual smorgasbord, and it's SO tasty. So, you've dated a few professors, I take it? How did you go about it? Did you tell them, or did they confront you?
northstar1 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 :lmao: That's great. I feel pretty much the same way: academia like an intellectual smorgasbord, and it's SO tasty. So, you've dated a few professors, I take it? How did you go about it? Did you tell them, or did they confront you? A good friend of mine is a univ. professor. He teaches both undergrad and grad level courses. Now, he is reasonably attractive guy, but very intelligent and well spoken and a very good speaker. In the past few yearse, he has had quite a few crushes on him, from 18 year old freshmen to graduate/teaching assistants. In fact, he is now dating one of his former grad students, who is in her late 20's. Both waited until the course was done and marks were in.
Kamille Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 So, you've dated a few professors, I take it? How did you go about it? Did you tell them, or did they confront you? Oh no confrontation was involved. In all cases, the situation evolved out of academic-related occasions such as a conference for one and hallway run ins for the other. The first professor hit on me after we spent a whole conference dinner talking the night away. I'll admit I sat next to him on purpose and since I had read a few of his articles, I brought up some of his favorite authors. (I sound shameless but I swear it was all genuine - we do use the same theorists). The second was a bit closer to my age. He was the new hire in this department where I was working as a sessional lecturer. We met at a department meeting and then would flirt in the hallways. He eventually asked me out. As to fellow grad-student, we met at a grad-student party. So, I guess my advice is: make sure you attend extra-curricular academic activities !
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 A good friend of mine is a univ. professor. He teaches both undergrad and grad level courses. Now, he is reasonably attractive guy, but very intelligent and well spoken and a very good speaker. In the past few yearse, he has had quite a few crushes on him, from 18 year old freshmen to graduate/teaching assistants. In fact, he is now dating one of his former grad students, who is in her late 20's. Both waited until the course was done and marks were in. It's encouraging to know that it actually happens. Still, from the professor's perspective, it must get kind of annoying to have student's crush on you constantly. Unless, of course, the professor is the kind of person who's ego gets off on young girls becoming infatuated with him.
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I chose the wrong career... :lmao:
northstar1 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 It's encouraging to know that it actually happens. Still, from the professor's perspective, it must get kind of annoying to have student's crush on you constantly. Unless, of course, the professor is the kind of person who's ego gets off on young girls becoming infatuated with him. Well, I think ofcourse, being in his late 30's, it's nice to have attention, however, he has never found himself in an inappropriate situation. He told me that he can usually tell the girls who have crushes, as they will find reason to email him questions about the material, or drop by during office hours.
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Oh no confrontation was involved. In all cases, the situation evolved out of academic-related occasions such as a conference for one and hallway run ins for the other. The first professor hit on me after we spent a whole conference dinner talking the night away. I'll admit I sat next to him on purpose and since I had read a few of his articles, I brought up some of his favorite authors. (I sound shameless but I swear it was all genuine - we do use the same theorists). The second was a bit closer to my age. He was the new hire in this department where I was working as a sessional lecturer. We met at a department meeting and then would flirt in the hallways. He eventually asked me out. As to fellow grad-student, we met at a grad-student party. So, I guess my advice is: make sure you attend extra-curricular academic activities ! But was this first professor one of YOUR professors? I have gone to a few conferences, but I feel awkward in those situations as I am usually one of very few women there, and definitely one of the youngest. So, since I don't want to come-off as flippant, I try to be as professional as possible in those situations. However, I have been entirely unprofessional in regard to this poor professor. I've done everything short of confronting him half-naked and making explicit sexual comments. I'm sure he knows. He's a psychoanalyst, for pete's sake! Hmmm, yeah, I'm still not sure about whether I should take his class next semester, though. It may have been nothing, but one day we were chatting (he's always very open and fun to chat with) and I brought up my intending to take his class next semester, and this brief look of what seemed like concern swept across his face, though he said nothing and brought up some other topic. If I am correct in my observation, I am assuming that he doesn't want the student/professor dynamic either because he's tired of my infatuation, or some other (more hopeful) reason... Maybe I'm just over thinking all of this.
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Well, I think ofcourse, being in his late 30's, it's nice to have attention, however, he has never found himself in an inappropriate situation. He told me that he can usually tell the girls who have crushes, as they will find reason to email him questions about the material, or drop by during office hours. Damn...it's that obvious, is it? Note to self: Hold off on those emails and office visits!
Kamille Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 But was this first professor one of YOUR professors? He was one of my professors during my undergraduate studies. We dated a few years later when I started my Ph.D at another university. We ended up in the same conference circuit and stayed together for the few months I spent in his town (my hometown) one summer. It was great. It even ended on a good note - and we're still friends today. I feel awkward in those situations as I am usually one of very few women there, and definitely one of the youngest. So, since I don't want to come-off as flippant, I try to be as professional as possible in those situations. Maybe I am shameless . See, I take the very fact that I am one of the youngest people there as my way into chatting up people. I am professional and not flippant. I just engage people on their work. With the prof I ended up dating, we just clicked at that dinner, joking about theory. It was an unintended consequence of me sitting next to him because I liked his work if you will. IMO, there was nothing flippant and my original intentions weren't unprofessional, especially when you consider that romantic liaisons are, ah, well, what's the word? rampant in academia.
Author always_searching Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 He was one of my professors during my undergraduate studies. We dated a few years later when I started my Ph.D at another university. We ended up in the same conference circuit and stayed together for the few months I spent in his town (my hometown) one summer. It was great. It even ended on a good note - and we're still friends today. Maybe I am shameless . See, I take the very fact that I am one of the youngest people there as my way into chatting up people. I am professional and not flippant. I just engage people on their work. With the prof I ended up dating, we just clicked at that dinner, joking about theory. It was an unintended consequence of me sitting next to him because I liked his work if you will. IMO, there was nothing flippant and my original intentions weren't unprofessional, especially when you consider that romantic liaisons are, ah, well, what's the word? rampant in academia. Oh, no. I wasn't suggesting that you were shameless. If I knew the professor, liked him, and saw him at a conference: I would do the same thing. I was under the impression that you may not have known this professor, knew of his work, and started chatting with him. I was suggesting that if I attempted to do that, I would be afraid that I may convey a flippant and unprofessional attitude, because I am young, friendly, and oftentimes come across as "flirty," even if that isn't my intention. One of my former undergrad professors whom I admired, but never thought anything of sexually, told me that I was "too bubbly," and that people would have a hard enough time taking me seriously in my field anyway, because I am a woman. So, I've been paranoid ever since!
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