fooled once Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 How long was your affair? When did it end? How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? If so, how did that go? If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? Lots of threads lately about affairs ending, grieving it, the grieving process, telling your spouse.... thought I would do 1 post to put things together and to see the differences with each person. My answers: How long was your affair? 2 years When did it end? 13 years ago How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? After about 1.5 years into the affair, I knew we wouldn't make it so I guess I started about then and it last about 8 months If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? Nope If so, how did that go? If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage?
wheelwright Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 When I read your thread idea all I could think about was the idea of grief, which isn't talked about too much. Too self-indulgent? Affiar 9 months. Grief forever. NC 4 months. When I knew other relationships in my past were DNR I let go. This holds on with teeth. I dreamt last night that my MM was in a coffin and I was at the funeral. And then I freaked out at the ceremony, saying this isn't right. He is not dead. Guess my subconscious is not ready to grieve! I feel that. I feel it is an alive thing and I just can't bury it. How do I get to the funeral stage?
ladydesigner Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 How long was your affair? 1.5 months Friends for 1.5 years prior to affair When did it end? 1.5 yrs ago How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? 1 Year If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? Married and no I did not tell spouse If so, how did that go? If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? I am still okay with not telling H. I have no guilt. I am indifferent in my marriage as my H has had multiple affairs, my A was a revenge A to his. I probably shouldn't stay married, but stay married for the kids and am unsure as to how long I can do that.
RedDevil66 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? It lasted a year back in 1999 When did it end? 2000 How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? about 5-6 months If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? I was with someone common law for 11 yrs. I only told my spouse when he left me for another woman (my karma was brutal but I deserved it) If so, how did that go? It was terrible. He was devasted even though he was cheating on me for a while. If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? This MM left me because he met someone else he wanted to have an affair with. I was not ok at first. I was naive at the time, but as time went on, I was SO OK with it! I will always feel guilt for what I did! It will never go away
Author fooled once Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 When I read your thread idea all I could think about was the idea of grief, which isn't talked about too much. Too self-indulgent? Affiar 9 months. Grief forever. NC 4 months. When I knew other relationships in my past were DNR I let go. This holds on with teeth. I dreamt last night that my MM was in a coffin and I was at the funeral. And then I freaked out at the ceremony, saying this isn't right. He is not dead. Guess my subconscious is not ready to grieve! I feel that. I feel it is an alive thing and I just can't bury it. How do I get to the funeral stage? The grief won't last forever... I am sorry you are still hurting. You will get through it. I bet in a year from now, you won't feel nearly as bad as now. I am sorry you are hurting so much.
NowhereToHide Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? 3 Months When did it end? Technically March... Officially May How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? Still am. If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? No, I haven't told my spouse. If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? To say I am guilt-ridden would be an understatement. I am in intensive therapy right now trying to get a handle on many of my issues, some that influenced my decision to have my A. Right now I am okay with my decision not to tell my H. My guilt isn't getting in the way of my marriage -- if anything it is fueling me to give everything I have to him and our family which I wasn't doing before my A. Only time will tell.
Author fooled once Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? 3 Months When did it end? Technically March... Officially May How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? Still am. If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? No, I haven't told my spouse. If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? To say I am guilt-ridden would be an understatement. I am in intensive therapy right now trying to get a handle on many of my issues, some that influenced my decision to have my A. Right now I am okay with my decision not to tell my H. My guilt isn't getting in the way of my marriage -- if anything it is fueling me to give everything I have to him and our family which I wasn't doing before my A. Only time will tell. NWTH *hug* You know I wish you much luck in your decision to not tell. I hope through counseling you can find out what lead to the A to begin with and that you work through your issues and find PEACE. Peace and a good, solid marriage,
RedDevil66 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? 3 Months When did it end? Technically March... Officially May How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? Still am. If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? No, I haven't told my spouse. If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? To say I am guilt-ridden would be an understatement. I am in intensive therapy right now trying to get a handle on many of my issues, some that influenced my decision to have my A. Right now I am okay with my decision not to tell my H. My guilt isn't getting in the way of my marriage -- if anything it is fueling me to give everything I have to him and our family which I wasn't doing before my A. Only time will tell. You're on your way to true healing. I totally respect that. Good luck :-)
Samantha0905 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? 3 Months When did it end? Technically March... Officially May How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? Still am. If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? No, I haven't told my spouse. If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? To say I am guilt-ridden would be an understatement. I am in intensive therapy right now trying to get a handle on many of my issues, some that influenced my decision to have my A. Right now I am okay with my decision not to tell my H. My guilt isn't getting in the way of my marriage -- if anything it is fueling me to give everything I have to him and our family which I wasn't doing before my A. Only time will tell. I hope the therapy helps you and your attempts to build a strong marriage/family again are successful.
Samantha0905 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? emotional since February, physical since June (so, about eight months all together) When did it end? last Thursday How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? still there, but feeling kind of numb/neutral If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? No and I have no plans to ever do that. If so, how did that go? n/a If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? I feel sad something has been missing in my marriage causing a void, which I unwisely filled with another person. I don't feel overwhelmed by guilt. The void was not caused by anything my husband is or isn't doing. He just is who he is and is a good husband and a wonderful father. Although there is friendship, there is a lack of intimacy and, on my part, sexual attraction. Trying to figure out steps to remedy the problem.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? 2 years as well When did it end? 13 yrs ago as well How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? 6months to get her completely out of my head....99% of it sex thoughts. If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? I was not married. If so, how did that go? If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? I do harbour guilt about the husband only because I can put myself in his shoes and how he must felt...but not that guilty. : At the time I never thought it would come back to haunt me. everybody has ghost though.... I don't even want to know what my wifes are.
Morelikeher Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? About 3 months When did it end? End of July - when he slammed me with the news that he was going back to his W - he was separated during our A How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? Still am If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? Not married Even though I am single, I am still really struggling with guilt and rightfully so. I also get really angry at myself for putting myself in this situation. I'm angry at him - I guess I feel like I put a lot on the line (felt he was worth the risk) and in the end, none of it mattered to him. He chose her. Sometimes I'd like to kick my own a$$ for being so stupid. It wasn't worth it.
NowhereToHide Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Thank you Fooled, RedDevil and Samantha... Your kind words keep me going these days. One day at a time, right?
confusedinkansas Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? Off & on for 3 1/2 years When did it end? 13 months ago How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? Still do at times If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? Didn't tell him - he found out in a round about way ~I didn't deny it, came clean. If so, how did that go? He was pissed for a few days & since then a few times - but no huge drama filled experience If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? I still feel the guilt from time to time. Mostly when a song comes on the radio & his face pops in my head.(Still can't listen to Moody Blues Nights in White Satin) Or a movie, or TV show that we'd watch together or going to a restaurant he & I used to frequent - Going there with friends now - brings back all those memories. I just try to make NEW memories. It's rare & brief when this happens - pisses me off every time though.
MaureyL Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? Six months in person, then another six months long distance When did it end? When are the Oscars? It ended on Oscar Night this year. How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? Still grieving. I am much happier and more satisfied every day but I honestly don't think I will ever get over it completely. If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? I did tell him, and I moved out with a friend so I could have my relationship. We didn't reconcile and have now been separated for two years. If so, how did that go? Absolutely terrible-- my husband behaved appallingly... intimidating behaviour, coming to my place of work, intercepting my mobile phone bill and contacting my AP, sending emails to all my work colleagues-- the list goes on and on. In the end I got the police involved. If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? I feel a bit bad about his girlfriend but if I'm completely honest, I don't feel too terrible about it. It was his choice to enter into the relationship with me. And if there is such a thing as karma, I have gotten my fair share of it. He went off to a tropical island with her and has settled there permanently. I wish them well (bitter laugh) but he was clear about his plans from the start and he stuck by them. So I knew it would be incredibly painful losing him from the very beginning and so it was exactly that. I have been completely NC for four months and it is definitely the way to go. I still go to the girlfriend's facebook profile and look at her picture. And wonder what is going on....
Holding-On Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 How long was your affair? 4 months but 8 months altogether before I let go. When did it end? Last year. How long did you 'grieve' the ending of the affair? 10 months. If you were married at the time of the affair, did you tell your spouse? Yes. If so, how did that go? Good. I have an open marriage so my husband knew all along. He was surprised and a little disappointed in me because he says I always have such strong boundaries and this affair was definitely not a real shining moment for me. On the other hand I have really grown as a person. My husband was also instrumental in pointing out all the "tricks" my MM was using, romance wise and helping me see it was a 50-50 thing. If not, are you okay today with your decision? Do you harbor any guilt feelings that get in the way of your marriage? I handled it poorly. I do feel guilty for my selfishness and any fallout that hurt him and his wife. I am more self-aware now so I hope this will never happen again. I secretly hope they were forced to communicate better and improve the problems in their monogamous marriage. Sometimes I feel guilty because I have really grown from this experience and gotten wiser. However, since it doesn't seem that he did (nor chose to), I sometimes feel it was at his expense which is kinda strange since I was the ego stroke for him (I am 20 years younger) and looking back I see he really pursued/romanced me even if he didn't think it was going to go anywhere (partly good chemistry between us and partially MLC I think). Lots of threads lately about affairs ending, grieving it, the grieving process, telling your spouse.... thought I would do 1 post to put things together and to see the differences with each person. Good idea. Thank you.
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