justwantlove Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 In one of the threads someone advises not to go NC unless your ready to let go of the relationship completely, prepraird to never go back. Do you agree, what are your thought? I personally dont agree. I kinda want to so i can start contact again, but im not.In my situation nc is best because we wont be hurting or lying to anyone. Itll olet me know if he really is gonna come back for me. The A part of our relationship was only 2 months, but i know i couldnt continue going down that path.
jennie-jennie Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Are you presently NC? If so is the case, what was the motivation? Who initiated it? For how long have you been NC? What do you hope to gain from being NC?
fooled once Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Isn't the point of no contact because the relationship has ended? I mean, why do it if you aren't ending the relationship? Or do you mean as a ploy to see if the man likes you enough to come back for you?
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Use the NC to help YOU get over him, not to 'wait it out and see what he does in the future..' I mean, what if you go NC, in a year or two he calls you, asks you to get back with him, and he's still married? Again, use the NC to grieve, and heal.. A 2 month A shouldn't be that hard to work through..No offense, by me saying that.. You haven't invested years, emotions, your heart, your life into this MM. Anyway, good luck and I hope you heal!
ladydesigner Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I thought NC was a way for the person who was ending things or who got dumped to move forward with their life. It is a way of permanently (hopefully) moving on from the person who is still causing you pain. I would never use it as a way to try to get a person back.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I kinda want to so i can start contact again, but im not By the way you've worded this, you ARE in NC mode now? Or you want to do NC, so he'll chase you? The thing is, chances are your MM has NO INTENTION of leaving his wife and kids (if he has any) to start a new life with you..He more than likely has no problem keeping you on the side as the OW, if you want to be second fiddle. If you are OK being the OW, then the choice is yours.. But, if you want a long term relationship, love with someone who can give everything to you, not live a lie, behind closed doors - Then DO the NC forever so you'll get over him. NO friendship, nothing. .In my situation nc is best because we wont be hurting or lying to anyone. Itll olet me know if he really is gonna come back for me. The A part of our relationship was only 2 months, but i know i couldnt continue going down that path. Seems deep inside of you, you know what's what - So, go with that..YOU can't go down that path as you know it's not good for YOU. Forget him and his selfish needs, it's unhealthy for you..
Author justwantlove Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Are you presently NC? If so is the case, what was the motivation? Who initiated it? For how long have you been NC? What do you hope to gain from being NC? I just initiated no contact, its been a week. The motivation for me is so that we can tie up our loose ends like we have said we would. i hope that he'll have time w/o me right there to see if he does want to bew with his wife again and if shes changes enough to make him happy. I dont want him to have a question mark over his head if we were to get back together. I plan on working on myself a little and getting me and my kids where we need to be if he does come back, or just period so i can move on and find someone else when im ready.
Author justwantlove Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 A 2 month A shouldn't be that hard to work through..No offense, by me saying that.. You haven't invested years, emotions, your heart, your life into this MM. The last part of our relationship was the A we were together for almost a year without the though of him moving back being on our minds.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 if shes changes enough to make him happy. Wow..He told you this? OK, well does SHE have any idea that he's been cheating on her? Funny how it's all about HIM.. SHE has to change..Not him! Uhh, hello, he's the selfish one cheating on her. Who knows what the real truth is, but I can tell ya, he more than likely has lied/omitted truths from you, so don't take him at his word.
Author justwantlove Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Wow..He told you this? OK, well does SHE have any idea that he's been cheating on her? Funny how it's all about HIM.. SHE has to change..Not him! Uhh, hello, he's the selfish one cheating on her. Who knows what the real truth is, but I can tell ya, he more than likely has lied/omitted truths from you, so don't take him at his word. When he left her she was simi alcoholic, the reason he went back was to see if it would be different now that shes not drinking. He had to try for his kids.
someonesangel Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 My experience with No Contact is that you must be ready to do it, otherwise it is useless and will not stick. Many use No Contact as a way to work out their feelings, gain clarity about those feelings - if they are true or not and to make a final choice. There are many that go NC and actually get back together... just as many that go NC and never speak again. In my experience if it is done by either party as anything but really wanting time to sort themselves and moved forward - it will not work and you will be back in contact. And I also think if it is forced by a BS, and not a true choice by the other two parties, the same happens. So in a nutshell, no one can force no contact, and if they are or are doing it as a ploy or manipulation tactic - it usually fails.
Author justwantlove Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 I dont wan you guys to think that im doing it to manipulate our relationship. He needs to figure out what he wants and what he needs. Im giving him the chance to do that without me interfering. And i need to grow up a little befor i ever step back into another relationship even with him. After i knock out the things he wants me to take care of ill update him and see where he is on the things i wanted him to do. If he's still working on it then well do nc again. After that point ill be more ready to move on. But right now im hopelessly in love and im not giving up. Ill just be fighting silently on the side.
jennie-jennie Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Justwantlove, I tried to read back on your posts a little to understand where you are at. I understand it as you had a normal relationship not being the OW for a year, being your MM was separated. Then he went back because his separated W got a hold of her drinking abuse. (Please excuse any mistakes here. Just putting it down as I remember.) This suddenly made you the OW. I believe your situation is different from most here on the board. You had him to yourself. The situation changed. You do not accept that, feel that you cannot be the OW. Are you then not prepared to leave him forever and ever if that is all he is willing to give you? I believe you fit my original thoughts which you referred to.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 When he left her she was simi alcoholic, the reason he went back was to see if it would be different now that shes not drinking. He had to try for his kids. OK, I remember your situation now.. You have to stay in NC mode.. He has decided to give her a chance since she's stopped drinking..He obviously feels the need to see how things will go with her sober. If you care about him, truly care for his well being, back off and stay in NC mode. He cannot try to fix things at home with you in the picture. You can't compete with their history, the kids, the life they built together.. He may really love you, but it may not be enough to woo him away from the life he created with her, drinking or not. I know you're hurting, but please, don't try to manipulate.. Do the NC so you can heal, enough to go on with your life. And, if one day he comes to you, asks you out on a date, let it because his marriage failed WITHOUT you in his life.. Date him casually only if he is divorced..DIVORCED, not separated.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 But right now im hopelessly in love and im not giving up. Ill just be fighting silently on the side. But he has chosen to go back home.. You are choosing to hang-on and bring MORE pain into your heart. To sit and wait on the sidelines, meanwhile he's fixing things at home isn't good or healthy for you. There's no start to grieve/heal. You'll be a sitting duck, waiting, waiting, waiting.. YOU end it and tell him to only call you when the D is final. Until then, don't settle, don't wait around in hopes he'll up and leave.
wheelwright Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 This sounds horrible for you JWL. I agree that NC is right until you know one way or another. Kids make it so much more complex. A friend of mine pointed out that when a man divorces he loses the kids more than a woman does. And that is a big deal for the good guys. You fell for a good guy. You fell for someone who honours commitments. You fell for someone who appeared free but wasn't. Giving him the chance to reconnect with his W with NC is the only way to know you didn't break up the family. He feels the same about it perhaps. For your sanity, read, live and socialise without him for a while. Sending you hugs, because this must be hard.
fooled once Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I just initiated no contact, its been a week. The motivation for me is so that we can tie up our loose ends like we have said we would. i hope that he'll have time w/o me right there to see if he does want to bew with his wife again and if shes changes enough to make him happy. I dont want him to have a question mark over his head if we were to get back together. I plan on working on myself a little and getting me and my kids where we need to be if he does come back, or just period so i can move on and find someone else when im ready. What does that mean? Tie up loose ends? Like reuniting with his wife?? After i knock out the things he wants me to take care of ill update him and see where he is on the things i wanted him to do. If he's still working on it then well do nc again. After that point ill be more ready to move on. But right now im hopelessly in love and im not giving up. Ill just be fighting silently on the side. What things? And you don't need to update him - you want to update him so you can find out how his reuniting with his wife is going. IF he wants to be with you - he will call you - after he is 100% finished with his wife. Stop waiting for him; stop trying to think of ways/reasons to contact him. HE went back to his wife. He went back to his family. Time for you to move forward.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 JWL - the bottom line of my situation is similar to yours. we had d-day, we both decided to stay with our spouses, then he initiated NC. i have a couple of thoughts on it, as two weeks ago i was in your place. 1. to make it work with my H i have to be NC 2. i need to let him follow his heart and try to work on his marriage. to do anything else would be unfair. i care about him and respect his wishes. BUT....these have been the hardest, most painful days of my life. im barely functioning. ive had moments of clarity, where things look up and then it crashes back down. I hate NC. i have so many things i wish i could say. sometimes i want to call and seek further understanding. sometimes i want to call and demand he give me more respect. sometimes i want to call and let him know how much this hurts. sometimes i wish he was still there to be my friend when things get rough with H. its not only NC with the affair, its NC with your emotions and it stinks. but they say it works. in my situation it did, until there was contact on his part and then it set me back further than i started out. good luck to you. i would say dont do it until your ready. theres a lot of pressure here and please dont do anything unless it works for you.
Author justwantlove Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Thank you all for your great responses. I really appreciate the feedback and the different views and opinions. Im even more certain that its best to keep NC in place for now. I don't yet know if ill be able to stop myself from updating him in 6 months and getting something in return. I do know that at that point if he hasn't made any of the steps weve talked about to go forth with a future then ill be in a healthy place to move forward with my life. Even though im holding on to the hope of us. I can feel myself getting a little more comfortable with letting go. And im trying to slowly emotionally detach myself a little at a time. The things i am working on im my life are essential with or without him. When i get it together ill be a catch. (Not to sound cocky, i dont hold myslef to high right now in my current state, i just know that i have great potential.)
Confused728 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 im about to go on my third week of no contact, i broke up with him first, then he broke up with me, then i decided i wanted to work things out and he didnt want to. he wanted to be freinds and would contact me almost everyday threw text and if i asked would hang out. i decided this causing to much confussion and decided to start "no contact". He did not want me to do this and would say that he didnt like it when i said where not going to talk again and that it bothered him, but it i feel it had to be done, he text me about three times in the past three weeks and i did not reply. what do you think is going to happen?
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 When i get it together ill be a catch. (Not to sound cocky, i dont hold myslef to high right now in my current state, i just know that i have great potential.) No, you SHOULD be saying you'll be a catch!! It isn't cocky at all. Once you heal and find "you" again, a great guy (single) will walk into your life when you least expect it.
MaureyL Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I completely agree that any kind of contact from him sets me back further than when I started. I always waited for him to contact me anyway (classic) but when he said his feelings had changed and he just wanted to be friends I stopped responding to his texts. He tried a couple of times over a few weeks and then they stopped altogether until out of the blue he sent me a text at the end of the school year-- pretty much the anniversary of when he left school and left me. A week later he phoned me. It's a weird mixture, this contact. On one hand I was filled with joy that he was still trying to hang on, still thinking of me. That would go quickly and soon after I'd feel physically sick thinking about how far away he was, would I ever see his face again, blah blah blah. Terrible. And getting these stupid texts about his teacher training, his students are stressed about their exams-- I don't care!! On some level I think that he convinced himself if we only spoke about teaching and school then it was alright to stay in contact with me. But as others have said on this site, there's nothing meeting your needs any longer. So after that phone call, I never responded again and though I didn't say please don't contact me ever again (I knew I should have but I couldn't bear to say it) I did make it pretty clear that I didn't understand why "if his feelings had changed" he was still calling me and asking how I was and asking if we could be in more contact with each other. I think he felt a bit stupid, frankly, by the end of the conversation and he hasn't gotten back in touch again. Being at work is much better-- at first I could barely stand to even be in the same building where our love affair took place. Now I feel much stronger and almost triumphant. But just today, on the Tube there were a whole bunch of French couples, around his age, chatting and fooling around in French. Watching them and imagining him and his girlfriend and all their friends acting in a similiar way is still incredibly painful, even now. So it is much much better and every day that goes by gets better. He didn't move to Paris with his girlfriend after he finished his training(this is my dream and if that had happened I would have been devastated) instead they are staying permanently on a small tropical island near New Zealand in the South Pacific, which without a doubt would be my own personal version of hell on earth. It's really only when I have time on my hands that I get obsessive still. But I hold out hope that that will go too, in time. xMaurey
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