MizzBlue72 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Recently, I had thought of just ending the A with MM and letting it go. Going NC and seeing where things happened from there. Letting him deal with his stuff, and asking him to try and work things out with his wife. He refused, saying that it was futile, their marriage was over. I think this is a redundant question that at least I know for myself I have asked over and over again. Have you thought of just ending the A and moving on? I have decided not to do this and to take whatever comes as it may. He and his wife are now divorcing. I know that this is not because of me, and I know that he is hurting a lot. Should I let him go to heal from this? He says no - he wants to stay with me, and he really needs me. I really do love him and need him too.
ladydesigner Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I would do what is best for you if you want to hang around until the divorce papers are signed, then that is a decision you need to weigh. Even when the MM/MW do threaten divorce there is still that chance of them not leaving. I have read it on this forum over and over again. Do what you feel is right in your heart. I think a person cannot make a clear decision when two people are involved (his wife and you).
fooled once Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Recently, I had thought of just ending the A with MM and letting it go. Going NC and seeing where things happened from there. Letting him deal with his stuff, and asking him to try and work things out with his wife. He refused, saying that it was futile, their marriage was over. I think this is a redundant question that at least I know for myself I have asked over and over again. Have you thought of just ending the A and moving on? I have decided not to do this and to take whatever comes as it may. He and his wife are now divorcing. I know that this is not because of me, and I know that he is hurting a lot. Should I let him go to heal from this? He says no - he wants to stay with me, and he really needs me. I really do love him and need him too. He needs to heal and he can only heal, IMHO, on his own. Is he really divorcing? You shouldn't have to be a part of their divorce, which is what you will become if you stay and not let him heal. Let him come to you, divorced and free.
jennie-jennie Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 He needs to heal and he can only heal, IMHO, on his own. Is he really divorcing? You shouldn't have to be a part of their divorce, which is what you will become if you stay and not let him heal. Let him come to you, divorced and free. I was very hurt and damaged when I left my long term SO for MM. MM was a soft place to land. Someone who learnt me to trust again, someone who was always there. MM made me heal and become a stronger person than I had been in years. I could not have come this far on my own. I needed someone to stand there and not go away whatever I said or did. To love me. OP, if your MM says he needs you and wants you and you want him too, stay with him. I see no need to go.
jennie-jennie Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Oh, and never go NC if you are not prepared to end the relationship forever. NC will kill you. It is so difficult. It should only be done if you really want it to be over forever and ever.
fooled once Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I went through a divorce and didn't need a man to help me through it. Then again, I didn't get a divorce because I was involved with someone else. Too many times, if a man is going through a divorce with a new woman, the new woman sticks her nose into his divorce and starts making decisions, starts demanding things move quicker and ends up causing more problems for the man. If he is man enough to marry this woman with his new girl there, he should be man enough to divorce without her there.
jennie-jennie Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I went through a divorce and didn't need a man to help me through it. Then again, I didn't get a divorce because I was involved with someone else. Too many times, if a man is going through a divorce with a new woman, the new woman sticks her nose into his divorce and starts making decisions, starts demanding things move quicker and ends up causing more problems for the man. If he is man enough to marry this woman with his new girl there, he should be man enough to divorce without her there. Perhaps you were not so worn down by your marriage as I was. I was already looking for a new partner when MM turned up. My SO was even encouraging me to do just that, even though he now says he never thought I would actually do it. My MM said it was liking walking in a mine field being with me. He would just have to stand still, not knowing where to next put his foot.
jennie-jennie Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Fooledonce, have you ever been NC? Not counting after your relationship was over?
Author MizzBlue72 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Thanks for the replies. I went through my divorce earlier this year and MM was there. Not sticking his nose in, but I could lean on him. I think I owe that to him too. I love him, and he loves me, and I know that he is not leaving his wife for me. We have talked thousands of hours over this topic. I even encouraged him to go back to his wife to make it work. He couldn't and wouldn't do it. I am afraid for him - only because he has so much financially to lose. To him - it's not a big deal, but it has to hurt. And no - I am letting him sort this out on his own. I can't go NC with him. I love him way too much. I need him - and he needs me, as warped as this may sound, but we do. He does not need me to hold his hand or to help him make decisions. He knows that he needs to do what is right in his situation. When the divorce is final, then we can plan whatever lies ahead. I'm not hoping or wishing here, I'm a realist. If it happens, it happens. I just don't want to see him hurt.
Jaspe_Loco Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 When my MW and I were nearly caught last Spring, I ended things. I thought I was making the right decision for her... that she didn't have any idea of how harsh the consequences could be. A week later she told me that she was adult and could make her own decisions about her life and we were back on again. That week thought, was the toughest week ever. Now that she's planning to leave her husband, I offer no encouragement in doing so. It's something she has to do own her own. I've made certain she understands that I'm available should she want or need to talk about it, but I never initiate a conversation about her leaving her husband nor she about leaving my wife.
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