GrayClouds Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Jeez-ow! I barely, barely made it through day 2 without wanting to contact her one more "final" time. I thought that if I said this, or did it this way or worded it that way, then maybe she'll open up. I fought that thought all day. One second I thought, "What could I lose?" the next was "If she hasn't responded by now, then why in God's name would I think she'll respond today?" In the end, I didn't contact her. I feel stronger knowing that I can do this. It came down to she knows how to get a hold of me. She hasn't responded yet, so there's no way she'd respond today. Its still really hard. But I looked at it this way, I called her on her ignoring me. I saw it, I said something about it, she still chooses not to respond. If that's not a good sign that its over, then I need to get my head checked. It feels as if I have failed, but I haven't. It feels that way because I don't have a real answer from her in this case. All our lives we are taught that we cannot solve an equation with zero input on one of the sides. Yet, in reality we can. We can solve it with zero input. Why are we so intent on sitting in our little row boats with only our oar in the water? Why are we making ourselves sick by rowing in circles patiently waiting and hoping that these other people will finally see us and drop their oar in the water and finally get us out of our circle? Why can't we just see it for what it is and just jump out of the boat? We all know we can swim, and swim to shore we must. Even if shore seems miles away, we'll make it. Even if we feel tired, our own personal "lifeguards" will help us when we need them. So I jumped out of my little boat and I'm on my way to the shore. I'm tired of rowing in circles with this crazy lady. There will be some waves, but your swimming, keep it up.
trueblue72ny Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) my ex gf is the same way with the silent treatment. its the first time i have ever dealt with someone like that. early in the relationship when it first started happening over stupid little things i was horrified! i had no idea what was going on. thought i did something wrong was being punished, and a whole host of other things. all i can say now is, i didnt do anything and i dont feel bad anymore. after 4/5 years of dealing with that i am thoroughly sick and tired of dealing with her nonesense. its like grow up! she disappears, then would re appear out of nowhere like it was all cool. its not all cool. i work with mine. so now i cant truly get away. but at this point to me it doesnt really matter. because i have finally broken her spell over me and am moving on. it was the hardest thing to deal with her, for the longest time. bc i didnt understand it. now, i still care about her, i always will, but i am just movin on. and i am just really, really thankful for that. it is her loss. now i am talking to a new girl and she communicates. its like a whole new world has opened up for me. and whatever happens with this new one, whether it works out or not, i see even more now that my x's behavior just plain sucks. now i have learned that there are a lot of really great girls out there for me! my x doesnt really have any friends either. they are all basically superficial friends. i dont know if its coincidence. maybe people who act like this dont have a lot of friends. but her "friends" they all basically get sick of constantly having to contact her to initiate anything. so maybe its some kind of red flag to watch out for with the next person in your life. now my x gf wants to be "friends" still after the fact. i will tell you i have fallen for this trap lots of times before. my personal opinion now, its a complete waste of your time. all you wind up doing is being is a safety net for someone when their life falls apart. and i get very little, if anything, in return over it. not falling for it this time. my thoughts are just because YOU dont feel anything, doesnt mean that i dont. i think my x is a really lonely person. but hey, its not my F problem anymore! and i am not accepting of a demotion to friends. if im not good enough to be your lover or partner anymore than just forget it. stay strong and just keep looking forward because i can tell you from personal experience that moving on from someone who is like this, is the best and most healthiest thing you can do for yourself. just imagine moving in with someone like that??? what a flipping nightmare your life would become. its a form of mental abuse. Edited October 24, 2009 by trueblue72ny
Author WTRanger Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 quick question though, what if SHE comes around, what would you do? i made up my mind bc he did try to contact to go somewhere last weekend but unless he says he's ready to talk or what not, (esp after ignoring my "FEELINGS E-MAIL") i'm not going to respond........ but i cant emotionally go through this again, it was AWFUL... and you know they don't change...... If she comes around and acts like nothing happened, then I'll either respond coldly or not at all. If she HONESTLY admits that things were messed up and she honestly wants to work forward, then I will decide whether or not to trust her again. I know that my little insecurities fed a lot of this, so I know I wasn't a saint. If she's willing to work with her little insecurities and I'm willing to work on mine, then maybe we can move forward. But I highly, HIGHLY doubt she will come around to her senses. My bet is if she does come back around, it will be as if nothing happened. Day 3, and its getting better. Its not like I haven't been preparing for this. For the better part of this whole year she has been really confusing. Now, I have to accept that it is really over and I'm done. We decided we are not going to put up with this BS anymore, so we have the power.
wondering_girl Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 hey WTRanger, i agree with you... i HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY doubt that he will come around either..... and i'll just be hurt again if he does, i'm just having the HARDEST TIME still, to swallow that pill that AFTER 4 YEARS, you can't even say anything, but like you said THEIR SILENCE SAYS IT ALL. it doesn't make any better if he says it or not, we're still DONE. UGHH.
angelface78 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I know mine is never coming back either. It freakin hurts to know that. That ill probably never see him again is a sad sad thought for me but then i think what if he did? i would be sooo afraid to go back again. I would always think hes gonna leave again. Dont want to go through that pain again. Im in pain now but im in the middle of the pain. The beginning of this ride was sheer HELL!!!!
Author WTRanger Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 Exactly, the trust has been broken. There is no way we can fully trust these people again. It would always be in the back of our minds that they will pull this garbage again. It would have to take a lot of person to person communication for me to ever begin to even think of putting an ounce of trust into this girl again. Its hard to give it up in this way, but you must. You have to stop putting their attributes to random objects in life. If I see this girl's truck model around town, well, its a very popular make and color so its just that. Its just a truck. Once you stop reminding yourself of the other person in this fashion, it will help you move on. I've also got to stop reminding myself of milestones and dates last year at this time. I've gotten better at looking at the calendar and not thinking about what we were doing this time last year, etc. Yes, I have great memories with her but they are just that. Memories that belong in the past and the great girl I was with no longer exists in anything but the past. I want to deal with the present and look ahead to the future. The most common phrase for me through out all of this is, "I don't know" or "This is so confusing." But the fact is I do know, and its not confusing. She doesn't want or care enough anymore to respond. Simple answer. Stupid, cowardly answer, but still its a simple enough answer.
angelface78 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Still doing the full NC. NOT EASY!!! Gosh i hate him sooo much right now!!!! I honestly wish i never met this dude!!! I was fine without him! Now my life is in shambles and here i am trying to pick up the pieces!! Over someone who doesnt even care.
hopefullove Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Wow, i just read through this whole post, and thank goodness it is here, because this is what i really needed. (i put a new post up, but this answers everything) I am going through the same thing as everyone. However, the most painful part is that we were, or so i thought on the road of recovery, we were reconciling, or so i thought, and had just spent 2 weekends together after being broken up for 2 years, (but still maintaining contact), and now, nothing. Historically, his reaction is like your ex'es, he will ignore me for a period of time, and then act like nothing happened, and have an excuse everytime, and will not discuss it, i basically beg for his forgiveness, and he stands by stating that he is perfect and has never done anything wrong. And what you said, they are NOT that stupid, i keep sending emails that i will be there for him, etc etc, making sure that he knows i am there... to NOTHING as a response. He is a coward. and the worst part is, why lead me to believe that there was hope. ANd it is true, I can never trust him again, he has always been flighty but this is ridiculous and so disrespectful.... to have had such a loving relationship once, for it to become this, where i am just ignored, is so painful. Nobody deserves this at all. and you're right.... it makes me feel better because, it makes me see that he really isn't a good person... it's horrible. i feel so empty. i was letting go 4 months ago, i started deleting him from all contacts, he was ignoring me for a while again, so i decided it was time to move on, that's when he decided to contact me again.... i was so close.... and now this... I'm on day 4 of NC, i'm with you guys.
Author WTRanger Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Day 5 and I'm still alive. I'm sorry to hear that many other people are experiencing these wonderful qualities in other human beings. But, at least we have support in numbers. I do have this real fear that I will be so close to being absolutely over her and she'll know exactly when to re-connect. These people know exactly what they are doing. As I said before, they have been getting good at this weak tactic for their entire life. Imagine if you practiced the piano for your entire life. How good at it would you be today? Just keep posting here instead of contacting them. I found myself today really fighting not to think about her. Sometimes though, it is just better to let the thought in your head, process it, then let it go. The key is not to dwell. Which is where I still get stuck. It is frightening to read everyone's posts because it is like looking at an instant replay of what is going on in my life. I've got to stop wondering how this girl can function in daily life, how she can look at herself in the mirror. But through convincing yourself that you are perfect, you can actually start to think it. Despite the real fact that you are one of the worst human's on the face of this planet. Not evil, but even worse. Spineless.
wondering_girl Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 hi everyone - i think i'm on week 3 NC now, sometimes i want to loose count of the days..... sometimes i'm strong, sometimes i'm tough.. i still cry, but sometimes letting it all out is good but terribly hurt still. WTRanger, i just let those thoughts in my mind in and feel the pain, sometimes they HURT so bad, and then the next thing i can focus on when i'm watching/doing again, it's stupid.. but i'm guessing it's part of the process? yes, i'm scared of the day that he decides to contact - a part of me prefers that we will end it like this, and i'll never have to feel the pain again, yet another part of me feels like ok he's gonna come around, but how STUPID would i be to even listen? sometimes, i would want him to come around when i'm completely over the situation because as of now - i am not.. i too, wonder how do you look at yourself in the mirror everyday and FUNCTION correctly - if i was doing this to another PERSON i would feel like the scum of simply because i was not taught to act like this, ignore someone that you were BF GF with for years, WTH? really? i spoke to one of my good friends yesterday that worked with him and even HE was questioning himself what has he done to him because he said he has been oddly quiet than usual at work and has distanced himself with him...... so what now you're shutting people at work out too? that's healthy....i felt disturbed that even he started to notice. that's awful. i'm still sad and i miss him but i will not contact either...... hang in there guys, if you need to let it out cry.. i know i still do
hopefullove Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) WTRanger - I feel the same way too, as in, weary that my ex will be able to pinpoint the exact second i have moved on, and then rear his ugly spiteful little head back into my life.... it was so stupid too, i had actually found a guy that i liked, who opened communication with me, and started dating him, i guess as a rebound, but i pushed him away when my ex contacted me again... stick to your guns i guess, is what im saying, and would hope to do. i hope by that time, you would have truely moved on. I dont know how they are able to live with themselves, and is it us, are we pathetic for having emotion? i dont know... it's just, all so sad that we can not be mature about it. i tell myself, that he is a zombie... that whatever he was is dead, and that whatever he is now may sorta look like the same thing, but he just wants to suck my brains out, and i should just chop his head off.... --- i want to add tho, for everyone else, your ex's seem to be the kind that shuts other people out, mine seems to be the opposite, he makes friends very easily, and is charismatic, and well liked, but he doesnt have family. He told me that his brother was trying to contact him on facebook and he just laughed at that and said, that never was going to happen, so i guess instead of not having friends, he doesnt have any family.. but that is at least shutting out a group of people... i guess. Edited October 26, 2009 by hopefullove more
Author WTRanger Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) The girl in my case has friends, she's very social. However, she has social friends and no real friends as in people you can count on to be there for you not just in the good times, but the bad times as well. But anyone who hangs around her long enough knows not to be there for her as when you need her, she'll run to the hills. So why bother? You'll just end up frustrated. Usually when they are shutting you out, its not just limited to you. They are doing to to other people at the same time. The hardest thing about this is that it is our natural response that when someone we care about pulls away from us we want to pursue them and find out why. Is that considered being clingy? Yes and no. If you send them 60 texts in one day, yes, that's clingy. If you try to contact them once and try again in a few days wondering why they have pulled away, no, I don't think that is clingy. But I can guarantee you that these people will use clingy as an excuse and that's not fair. Of course we are going to go after them! Its not NORMAL to pull away from someone, which is why it is recognized as an abnormal behavior. I found this in an extremely old post by caliguy that started to shed additional light: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80765/ I'm still fighting the urge to continue to dig to find out why, but I know it will be a pointless adventure. There's nothing more that I need to know. Unfortunately, silence says it all. Edited October 27, 2009 by WTRanger
wondering_girl Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 he doesn't really have friends or really talks to ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHING..... i don't think so.... the only person that he hang with most of the time was me....and now that he's shut me out i don't know NOR i wanna know.. he had friends but most of them are married so everyone does their own thing.. it's like when the going gets rough or we mess up they shut down? man.. it HURTS... i know, me too WTRanger is soooo DIFFICULT right now for me to not worry, dig deeper all this, when i spoke to my friend yesterday i was worried because i'm thinking OK ok, something is wrong but what can i do.. he's shut me OUT and like you said unfortunately silence says it all.. in my case, it's WAYYYY TOO LONG, it's almost as scary to see and talk to him, what do i say.. this that. so better off this way, it's just painful.. i don't know if he'll ever come to his senses bc he would've already came back, he's probably trying to hurt me more that the longer he's shut me out the more i wouldn't want him - mission accomplished for him.. wow, after 4 years. sorry i keep typing 4 years so i can keep reminding myself how he screwed me over. he was my good friend for 4 years before that too un-believable.
NopeNah Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Let "it" go,man! No sense in beating yourself up over something you have ZERO control over. Just give in! It's done and over..Live a happy life from here forward.
Author WTRanger Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Let "it" go,man! No sense in beating yourself up over something you have ZERO control over. Just give in! It's done and over..Live a happy life from here forward. I agree with you 100%. The whole point of this thread is to get a running support thread for those of us who have had to deal with a breakup in which, there was no defined breakup other than absolute silence. Apparently, there are quite a few of us. Trying to figure out how some people can just stop, not say anything, and just fade away as if they've died. I can honestly say that of all the breakups I have gone through, this one is by far the hardest. There was no fight, there was nothing. Just silence. A natural reaction is for us to wonder why. But you are right, we have no control over how or if the other person responds. If I can help some people during my healing time, then that will only accelerate my healing rate.
hopefullove Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 i was wondering if you guys are able to wrap your head around this one, because, my ex dropped off the face of the earth, after i thought we rekindled, like we spent 2 weekends together, doing all the things we used to do, holding hands, kissing and snuggling in public, watching movies in bed, going to our favorite restaurants.... this was the first time we saw each other in a year, and he knew i would be back in less than 2 months. we were chatting everyday before our "big meet" for 2 months, and now nothing. Nothing at all. i broke n/c to wish him a happy birthday on IM last thursday, and then a week before that i sent hiim an email to say that i didnt know him anymore. and i still havent heard anything. the last i heard from him was "happy thanks giving!!!! grrr i have a cheesecake hangover".. which makes no sense to me. because he promised me we would have a chat (after i sent him 10 emails... lol... yeah, tend to reach out... a lot when they are clinging away) so i havent heard from him in 2 weeks. it makes no sense, and i just want to know what the hell happened! and yeah, even though the silence should be enough to tell me my answer, and in those 10 emails, i stated that, it was disrespectful for him to ignore me, and i deserve more, and so he knows, how i feel, and yet chooses to ignore me, or at least pretend to acknowledge it, and then ignore me. i just dont know why.... part of me thinks he did it on purpose to drive me insane. i want to know "why" so badly.
angelface78 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Day 5 of NC...im right there with ya WT Ranger!!! Man it sucks. Lets keep going
NopeNah Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I agree with you 100%. The whole point of this thread is to get a running support thread for those of us who have had to deal with a breakup in which, there was no defined breakup other than absolute silence. Apparently, there are quite a few of us. Trying to figure out how some people can just stop, not say anything, and just fade away as if they've died. I can honestly say that of all the breakups I have gone through, this one is by far the hardest. There was no fight, there was nothing. Just silence. A natural reaction is for us to wonder why. But you are right, we have no control over how or if the other person responds. If I can help some people during my healing time, then that will only accelerate my healing rate. Wasn't knocking the thread by any means. I just hate to see people suffer more than needed. The ex's in this case were cowards, plain and simple! They didn't want to own up to their decision or justify it at all..Sucks! Yes.. but, I don't think these cowards deserve the energy from you, me, or anyone else. Let them go! wish them well, if you want..but, be done!
NopeNah Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 i was wondering if you guys are able to wrap your head around this one, because, my ex dropped off the face of the earth, after i thought we rekindled, like we spent 2 weekends together, doing all the things we used to do, holding hands, kissing and snuggling in public, watching movies in bed, going to our favorite restaurants.... this was the first time we saw each other in a year, and he knew i would be back in less than 2 months. we were chatting everyday before our "big meet" for 2 months, and now nothing. Nothing at all. i broke n/c to wish him a happy birthday on IM last thursday, and then a week before that i sent hiim an email to say that i didnt know him anymore. and i still havent heard anything. the last i heard from him was "happy thanks giving!!!! grrr i have a cheesecake hangover".. which makes no sense to me. because he promised me we would have a chat (after i sent him 10 emails... lol... yeah, tend to reach out... a lot when they are clinging away) so i havent heard from him in 2 weeks. it makes no sense, and i just want to know what the hell happened! and yeah, even though the silence should be enough to tell me my answer, and in those 10 emails, i stated that, it was disrespectful for him to ignore me, and i deserve more, and so he knows, how i feel, and yet chooses to ignore me, or at least pretend to acknowledge it, and then ignore me. i just dont know why.... part of me thinks he did it on purpose to drive me insane. i want to know "why" so badly. I'm going to say..he was bored and/or lonely. You were there in his "time of need"...and that's no more. Stop talking to him!
Author WTRanger Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 i was wondering if you guys are able to wrap your head around this one, because, my ex dropped off the face of the earth, after i thought we rekindled, like we spent 2 weekends together, doing all the things we used to do, holding hands, kissing and snuggling in public, watching movies in bed, going to our favorite restaurants.... this was the first time we saw each other in a year, and he knew i would be back in less than 2 months. we were chatting everyday before our "big meet" for 2 months, and now nothing. Nothing at all. i broke n/c to wish him a happy birthday on IM last thursday, and then a week before that i sent hiim an email to say that i didnt know him anymore. and i still havent heard anything. the last i heard from him was "happy thanks giving!!!! grrr i have a cheesecake hangover".. which makes no sense to me. because he promised me we would have a chat (after i sent him 10 emails... lol... yeah, tend to reach out... a lot when they are clinging away) so i havent heard from him in 2 weeks. it makes no sense, and i just want to know what the hell happened! and yeah, even though the silence should be enough to tell me my answer, and in those 10 emails, i stated that, it was disrespectful for him to ignore me, and i deserve more, and so he knows, how i feel, and yet chooses to ignore me, or at least pretend to acknowledge it, and then ignore me. i just dont know why.... part of me thinks he did it on purpose to drive me insane. i want to know "why" so badly. I know you want to know why, but is it really worth all of this effort? I'm coming to the realization that even if I find out why she decided to run away, the answer will only reset me back to zero. Because I know it is not the answer that I know. Think about it, they can't even give you the decent respect to just tell you to f-off. Do you think they will honestly change and tell you why? I know hope dies last, but it is time to start planning the funeral. You know, you can't spell funeral without "fun."
wondering_girl Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 he responds to my e-mail and apologizes for everything, but he says let's take time apart and start over.....this is the first time that he has ever apologized ever...... my friends strongly said that i NEEDED to make a decision if he does come back and (WTRANGER ya know deep down inside and i knew this too that they were gonna come back) i was thinking if he came back 6 months the decision would be easier since the scars would be not as deep, and the whole time with me saying i'm done was a lie, i lied to myself.... because now, i don't know what i want... i need sometime to think about what i want and i'm all for the taking some time apart i guess because i just can't go back, i am able to picture what i went through this time and it was absolute hell...... it was awful. thoughts?
angelface78 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Wow he finally responded!!??? omg....just be careful hun and think about it really good. You dont wanna go back to day one of this hell with the anxiety attacks and all of that!!
wondering_girl Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 hey angelface, i'm not really sure what to do, and writing here now at 2 am is a BAD sign that this still has an impact on me, if there was no e-mail today, i would've been sleeping by now.....it still has a strong effect on me... and i can clearly play in my head what i went through for the 1st month which was ultimate HELL do i wanna go through that..... but think he's asking for some time apart too and then start over?.... but you know, the whole time this time it seems like nothing was really defined so i guess now we can really take time apart and i need this to re-discover myself even though with this amount of time apart that we've already had... i was getting to know me but i was still thinking about what he wanted... i still don't know what i really want. the time apart let alone will not guarantee a relationship.. the only thing i can give credit for is that he apologized.
Author WTRanger Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 he responds to my e-mail and apologizes for everything, but he says let's take time apart and start over.....this is the first time that he has ever apologized ever...... my friends strongly said that i NEEDED to make a decision if he does come back and (WTRANGER ya know deep down inside and i knew this too that they were gonna come back) i was thinking if he came back 6 months the decision would be easier since the scars would be not as deep, and the whole time with me saying i'm done was a lie, i lied to myself.... because now, i don't know what i want... i need sometime to think about what i want and i'm all for the taking some time apart i guess because i just can't go back, i am able to picture what i went through this time and it was absolute hell...... it was awful. thoughts? If it were me, I'd respond with what exactly you said. I wouldn't respond right away but I would respond. Remember how crappy you felt? It would be hypocritical of us to keep them in limbo just for the sake of digging the knife in. But but NO means jump on the email. Just let him wait a bit, a day or so. When you do respond, keep it short and simple. Do not laundry list him with all of the things that went wrong. I would tell him that you are, for one shocked. But it takes a bigger man to apologize. However the apology is just a band-aid trying to stop a broken pipe. It will not fix the much bigger issue at hand. I would tell him that you need some time. But for God's sake, define the time frame for him. Give him a check in date sometime in the future. Again, you know how awful it was to be in limbo, so do not perpetuate it onto him. This isn't a case for an eye for an eye. As much as you want to return his pain to him, you are not that kind of person. Take that time to really think about one of the core questions which is, "Can I trust him enough not to do this again?" Then take that time and honestly asses the situation. Take what you have assessed and try to talk to him. If he doesn't want to talk, or doesn't take the talk seriously, then its over. Only you can judge his character. They say that when someone shows you who they truly the first time, by their actions. Believe those actions. Right now, he's just spewing words that mean nothing.
Author WTRanger Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Oh and by the way, I bet he might just be needing a date for a Halloween party. So watch out for this "turn around." It could be loaded with lethal generosity.
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