whattodonow12 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I am seeing a lot of posting about OW/OM and BS, but what about the MM? What are your thoughts on a MM that has an affair, but when confronted by the spouse convinces him/her that it is not true.. that it never happened. Has anyone ever been in that situation? What became of it? I wonder if it is really possible to get things back on track when there is still dishonesty. Just thinking out loud after reading some posts here today. This happened in my particular situation. But, I realize that things will be better for me in the future moving on....
ladydesigner Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Well I am a MW who has been a MOW and a BS. I have just recently been emailed by an OW about my H having an affair with her. My H denies it and denies it and also denies his past A's as well. I do not believe him I have so much proof that it was an EA and I'm sure physical as well. I also have not disclosed my own past affair, which was a revenge affair. So I guess you can say we are both pretty f**ked up. I have actual proof on my H and he still denies it and I will NEVER EVER believe him. I am in the process of contemplating leaving him for good, but we have 2 young children and I am torn for their sake. I wish the OW would come forward again and talk to me or at least disclose who she is. I am not angry with her at all in fact if I could I would give her my H on a silver platter.
skylarblue Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 What are your thoughts on a MM that has an affair, but when confronted by the spouse convinces him/her that it is not true.. that it never happened. I think my MM is doing what the typical caught MM would do…lie. Does it suck for the W? Yes. Is it wrong? Ideally, yes. Do I think he’s a bad person or coward for it? Absolutely not. What became of it? She still confronts him. He still denies. I still see him.
jennie-jennie Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 W came upon MM closing his laptop too quickly when we were 8 months into an EA. He partially told her the truth of who he was in contact with, but denied the extent of the connection. Still it was a blow for her at the time, but she got over it, and apparently regained trust in him. He believes she does not want to look too closely now, so as not to find something she does not want to find. Since then our relationship has turned into a PA and has been going on for four years altogether now. Their emotional bond is getting weaker as it is being replaced by his and my bond but he still remains married to her.
NoIDidn't Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I wasn't lied to. I found irrefutable proof of what was going on. If he denied it, he risked being assaulted. I'm not proud to say that, but that's what he was facing. I hate lying and react pretty badly when I know I'm being lied to. I can't imagine regaining any level of trust in a person that would lie to my face repeatedly. I don't "bide my time" very well. Gaslighting makes for very ugly divorces. And if they did it to one person, they almost always turn around and do it to others. Not a good trait in a mate.
jennie-jennie Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Gaslighting makes for very ugly divorces. And if they did it to one person' date=' they almost always turn around and do it to others. Not a good trait in a mate.[/[/b']QUOTE] The wife and I hold completely different morals (as far as I know). She believes in marriage vows, I believe in staying in a relationship as long as you are in love with each other. She believes it is wrong to end a marriage because of an affair, I believe it is wrong not to. She believes in a life long marriage, I believe in serial monogamy. Different expectations on the mate might result in the mate treating you differently.
Lucky_One Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Well I am a MW who has been a MOW and a BS. I have just recently been emailed by an OW about my H having an affair with her. My H denies it and denies it and also denies his past A's as well. I do not believe him I have so much proof that it was an EA and I'm sure physical as well. I also have not disclosed my own past affair, which was a revenge affair. So I guess you can say we are both pretty f**ked up. I have actual proof on my H and he still denies it and I will NEVER EVER believe him. I am in the process of contemplating leaving him for good, but we have 2 young children and I am torn for their sake. I wish the OW would come forward again and talk to me or at least disclose who she is. I am not angry with her at all in fact if I could I would give her my H on a silver platter. You CAN give her your H on a silver platter, by initiating a separation and divorce. You don't have to talk to her or know who she is in order to do that.
Trimmer Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 The wife and I hold completely different morals (as far as I know). She believes in marriage vows, I believe in staying in a relationship as long as you are in love with each other. She believes it is wrong to end a marriage because of an affair, I believe it is wrong not to. She believes in a life long marriage, I believe in serial monogamy. So, the MM you are involved with: (a) is staying in his relationship even though he isn't in love with her any more, (b) isn't ending his marriage because of the affair, and © is not practicing serial monogamy, ... all of which are counter to your "morals." How do you and the wife come down on the issue of outright lying to someone you promised could trust you? Are you on opposite sides of that moral dilemma, too?
jennie-jennie Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 So, the MM you are involved with: (a) is staying in his relationship even though he isn't in love with her any more, (b) isn't ending his marriage because of the affair, and © is not practicing serial monogamy, ... all of which are counter to your "morals." How do you and the wife come down on the issue of outright lying to someone you promised could trust you? Are you on opposite sides of that moral dilemma, too? Well, yes, I have told him that I think he is doing me more wrong than his wife, since he is not respecting the love between us. I told him marriage and vows mean nothing to me, but love does. I live in the present. I am not much for promises. Trust is perishable. It has to be renewed.
NoIDidn't Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Gaslighting makes for very ugly divorces. And if they did it to one person, they almost always turn around and do it to others. Not a good trait in a mate. The wife and I hold completely different morals (as far as I know). She believes in marriage vows, I believe in staying in a relationship as long as you are in love with each other. She believes it is wrong to end a marriage because of an affair, I believe it is wrong not to. She believes in a life long marriage, I believe in serial monogamy. Different expectations on the mate might result in the mate treating you differently. Somehow I doubt having different morals and expectations of a committed relationship means that either of you will tolerate being lied to intentionally. Do you tell him that he is free to lie to you and challenge your sanity at will? That would lead him to treat you differently, and not well, IMO.
jennie-jennie Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Somehow I doubt having different morals and expectations of a committed relationship means that either of you will tolerate being lied to intentionally. Do you tell him that he is free to lie to you and challenge your sanity at will? That would lead him to treat you differently, and not well, IMO. I told him if he falls in love with another woman, I expect him out of my life. He knows I do not tolerate lies. I expect the truth even when it is harsh.
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