Are we "friends" now?

[t0ri]

Alright. So ex broke up with me in April after over 2 years together. Didn't speak for 3 months, then he started texting me ONCE a month, every month. Well it is now October, and I finally felt completely over him. He texts me nearly a week ago, and long story short, we meet up that night. He holds my hand and hugs me a bunch, but no kissing (we only got to hang out for about 25 minutes because of some unexpected events that went on). He tells me he misses me, is glad to see me, I look beautiful etc.

 

The next day, he's again telling me he misses me, and asks me if I'm seeing anyone. I tell him not exclusively, and ask him the same. His response: "Naaa not really. I don't really want a relationship right now because I don't have time and I like being able to go out with my friends and do whatever." So clearly he made it a point to throw that info out there.

 

To my point - I have heard from him every single day since seeing him, which is strange after not hearing from him aside from a monthly text. He keeps initiating contact. He's even called, and we talked for hours, and I haven't had a call from him in over 6 months.

 

We haven't talked about our relationship besides a few small references back to a few things that happened during it. He hasn't been very flirty, or sweet when we talk. It's just friendly and about our lives, families, school, etc. He has asked if I regret dating him, if I think he's different (and says that I seem different), tells me he may be moving to another city and asks how I feel about that, says we will have to hang out again, tells me he wanted the night we hung out to go differently because he wanted to impress me (that didn't happen), etc.

 

Today, I wake up to a text from him asking if I still have this one sweater of his, and he asks if he can get it from me sometime soon. I say sure, he says thanks, and that's it.

 

I'm kind of getting irritated because I don't understand what he wants from me. Clearly not a relationship at this point. I don't even know what I want. I don't necessarily want to get back with him, but I don't think I can only be friends with him. He used to always tell me he could never only be friends with me. So I don't understand why HE is contacting me every day now. He's still talking to other women as far as I know, and I of course, am going to continue dating.

 

Is this a friendship?

Edited October 22, 2009 by t0ri

[littlebittle]

It's not a friendship, it's walking on eggshells and you feeling annoyed and apprehensive and weird and confused.

 

If it's how you feel, I think you should tell him that you don't think you can be friends yet. See what he says about that. He can be on his own and work out whatever crap he needs to, but you shouldn't be subjected to his indecisive and confusing ways. Just protect yourself.

 

As far as friends after the fact goes, Jerry Seinfeld once said:

 

"It's not over til you pick up the phone, you say,

'I don't love you anymore'

they say,

'I don't love you anymore either'

and you go,

'Great, I'll pick you up in 20, let's grab a scone.'"

 

Ha. That's from 30 Rock...

[torranceshipman]

Sounds like he wants a friendship to me-and possibly he's a bit lonely, but he threw out the 'I don't want a R' so you knew he wasn't interested in something romantic...but it also sounds like you still like him, and aren't ready for a friendship yet-so I'd tell him that-he'll understand...

[ADF]

He may be angling for some kind of FWB situation. My advice: don't go there.

[t0ri]

I know he's not lonely, and I know that he has a few girls that like him. He has continued to talk to me every day. He was even texting me last night while he was out drinking with friends. He (again) mentioned the fact that he may be moving to another state next year, and he asked if that bothered me and such. I told him it would be good for him, but it would be a little sad. Then he starts questioning why it would be sad. It was almost as if he wanted me to tell him I didn't want him to move. He also was asking about what my family thinks of us talking again and if they hate him, he sent me pictures from a few things that have gone on in his life recently, and was a tad flirty. No more mentions of him missing me, or anything like that. He also added me as a friend on facebook. Also, while we're chatting, he keeps the conversation going. If I don't respond, he'll send another message.

 

I do love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I still haven't been the one to initiate contact. Ever. I don't want to straight up ask him what he wants from me, because I don't want to pressure him or push him away. I'm ok with talking to him, I just still wonder if he has ulterior motives in doing so.

 

I kind of think he may be talking to me because I know him, I know his family, I know things that other people don't. I don't know. He hasn't mentioned seeing me again since the sweater question. We text for a few hours at a time, but today he's been in contact with me ALL DAY. TWICE today, he was talking to me online and got off and told me to text him. Both times, he texts me first within 20 minutes after getting offline. I just really am shocked he would be willing to be "just friends," if that's what he's truly wanting.

Edited October 26, 2009 by t0ri

[t0ri]

He contacted me this morning (after texting till we fell asleep last night) asking if I was going to be in a certain part of town today, so that he could get his sweater. I said no, so he asked (again!) if he could get it from me sometime soon. Then, started asking how my day's going and such.

 

What do you guys think of everything new I've said? Still the same? After him telling me he wanted me out of his life forever 6 months ago, I find all of this totally bizarre. Psh, who knows. Maybe he just wants his sweater back.

Edited October 26, 2009 by t0ri

[cypresa]

Ha. that made me giggle! only doing it to get his sweater back...

 

In truth and i know people here won't like me saying this.. but i think he still cares for you.

 

Trust me when i say this - men are only in contact that much with a girl when they like them and have feelings! if he was indifferent or didn't want to go there - there would be no contact, or hardly any contact - and i would tell you that he's just not into you.

 

He is calling you night and day - texting you when he is out with the boys! what more indications do you need to know that you are on his brain night and day! he still likes you! it's so obvious. He doesn't want to be just friends with you. Friends don't do that.

 

Now what you do with that information, i have no idea. Depends on how much you like him still... and depends on how much he hurt you. It might be that he is just lonely and likes getting your attention...

 

do you still have feelings for him still?

[carhill]

He either still has feelings or wants to keep his name in front of you. Cheers effect.

 

IMO, better to do what's healthy for *you*. Be proactive. Keep us posted

[t0ri]

I have not heard from him in a week. And apparently, he either suddenly believes, or is telling people, that he found out I cheated on him and calling me a "dumb slut," which would be understandable, IF it were true. So I'm assuming that is why I have not heard from him. He hasn't talked to me about it, and I have no idea where that came from! I have met someone new, but this is kind of stressing me out because I did not cheat on him, and don't want to be viewed as a cheater. I can't really say anything to him, because I'm not supposed to know about this. He can't even talk to me about it, and talks endless crap behind my back, after being all buddy buddy last week, and me helping him get out of jail and picking him up from it a few weeks ago?

 

Should I just not care??? And why hasn't he talked to me about it, if he believes it???

Edited November 5, 2009 by t0ri