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wife had a 5 mo EA

armydude66

By armydude66
in Infidelity

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armydude66 New Member

armydude66

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Here is my problem my wife of 23 yrs had an EA with and old HS friend last yr that lasted 5 mo. I am in the army and after 8 yrs of recruting duty I got a new assignment in st Louis for my last 2 yrs in the army. We decided that it was only 2 yrs and i would be retiring after that(26 yrs is long enough) and I would be home every 10-15 days for the weekend it would better for her and my son to stay there. We went out and bought laptops to video chat while I was gone. She got on face book a met up with some friends (no big deal I thought). but with in 10 day of me moving to sty Louis she and he talk on the phone and decide to write a letter to each other on how that feel my wife wrote first. And to make matters worse she wrote it on our 23 anniversary. I was home over the 4th of July and used her laptop and found the letters and confronted her it has taken me till now to get her to come completely clear. she 1st said it was only romantic for 3 weeks but after i showed her all the evidance she now understands that it went on longer(she has been going to theripy for 5 mo now had her DR says that she blocked alot of the affiar ) there we over 600 text and 70 calls.that i can pull up on bills and i know they chated on FB and emails. To make things worse she was doing it while I was home for the weekends at 1 am while was sleeping. It ended when his wife found her texting him and busted them in Nov last yr. she said it was just a fantasy, she was thought I was going to leave her once I got here. And that our adopted son was giving us grief and she was all by herself.

Hell we went on a marriage retreat in sept to San Diego for 3 days and she was texting him there. I am trying to forgive her. I understand how and why it happened but hell 10 days after I left. And for it to continue for that long. She has apologized and I know she is truly sorry but I’m not sure I can ever forgive her. And I really don’t want a divorce.

Edited by armydude66
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Spoiled Established Member

Spoiled

Posted
Posted
Here is my problem my wife of 23 yrs had an EA with and old HS friend last yr that lasted 5 mo. I am in the army and after 8 yrs of recruting duty I got a new assignment in st Louis for my last 2 yrs in the army. We decided that it was only 2 yrs and i would be retiring after that(26 yrs is long enough) and I would be home every 10-15 days for the weekend it would better for her and my son to stay there. We went out and bought laptops to video chat while I was gone. She got on face book a met up with some friends (no big deal I thought). but with in 10 day of me moving to sty Louis she and he talk on the phone and decide to write a letter to each other on how that feel my wife wrote first. And to make matters worse she wrote it on our 23 anniversary. I was home over the 4th of July and used her laptop and found the letters and confronted her it has taken me till now to get her to come completely clear. she 1st said it was only romantic for 3 weeks but after i showed her all the evidance she now understands that it went on longer(she has been going to theripy for 5 mo now had her DR says that she blocked alot of the affiar ) there we over 600 text and 70 calls.that i can pull up on bills and i know they chated on FB and emails. To make things worse she was doing it while I was home for the weekends at 1 am while was sleeping. It ended when his wife found her texting him and busted them in Nov last yr. she said it was just a fantasy, she was thought I was going to leave her once I got here. And that our adopted son was giving us grief and she was all by herself.

Hell we went on a marriage retreat in sept to San Diego for 3 days and she was texting him there. I am trying to forgive her. I understand how and why it happened but hell 10 days after I left. And for it to continue for that long. She has apologized and I know she is truly sorry but I’m not sure I can ever forgive her. And I really don’t want a divorce.

 

How do you know their relationship was only an EA?? Hopefully you are receiving MC and not just IC for her. Please do not think I am condoning her behavior. But I have experienced the loneliness and emotional disconnection when my H travels frequently with work. With my work, small children, and more, I was emotionally depleted and somewhat depressed. MC will help get to the root of what she needs and other appropriate ways to meet them.

 

Fb is a great opportunity for many to get into trouble.:o

JumpinJimmy Established Member

JumpinJimmy

Posted
Posted

AD66, sorry to hear about this situation. First, a couple of questions. How far away was this guy? If it was close, be prepared for the possibility that it turned into a PA as well...... 6 months of an EA have a tendency to get physical. Next, are you sure she is NC.

seibert253 Established Member

seibert253

Posted
Posted

1. You need to make sure it has ended. If she hasn't done so, she needs to send him an NC email. You need to be there when she writes it, proofread it, and click the send button yourself. Letter is quick and to the point, "I've decided to try and repair my marriage. Never contact me again and I shall do the same" That's it, nothing more, nothing less

 

2. She needs to agree to complete transparency. You have complete access to all email accounts and her cell phone. To verify, install a keylogger on any computer she uses, and get detailed cell phone bill, sent to you, not your home. FB account, gone, closed.

 

3. MC and IC. You cannot do this on your own without professional help. You cannot just, forgive and forget, won't happen

 

This can be fixed, but it's gonna take 100% effort from both of you.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
She has apologized and I know she is truly sorry but I’m not sure I can ever forgive her. And I really don’t want a divorce.

 

honestly, unless you can COMPLETELY put it out of your mind, I don't think you will ever TRULY and 100% forgive her. It will always weigh on you and you will always have suspicions.

 

And now, every time you have to be away from home because of your duty, you will wonder what she is doing behind your back.....whether she seems sorry or not. She is sorry she got caught.

 

So if you don't want a divorce, then you are going to have to learn how to deal with what she did.

 

And if you stay with her, privacy is no longer a luxury she can afford. She needs to be an open book, you should have access to all of her communication methods.

 

And if she has something like facebook or myspace, I think she should close them down UNLESS you have full access to them.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
she was thought I was going to leave her once I got here.

 

 

and on this note, she SHOULD have the fear of you leaving. Don't let her think you don't want to entertain the idea of divorce. She needs to think that it is an option for you, even if it isn't.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted

This can be fixed, but it's gonna take 100% effort from both of you.

 

100% from him......110% from her

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armydude66 New Member

armydude66

Posted
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Posted

I know it is over w/ them because his wife found out in November. And when I found out in July I sent his wife a certified letter with the letters I have found. And if it went physical he would have to come to her since she live 1000 miles away,

I have all of her passwords and accounts that she has told me of.

With my background I have checked her computer and I know it is over with him.

But my question is how do I forgive (I know I will never forget) that she gave her heart and soul to another man on our anniversary?

With my job I cannot do IC. (For this guess I’m screwed lol)

My Question is I have called every favor in for my job to save this marriage(be cause I turned down my promotion in order to retire in 2011) by means of not leaving were I am at except for the US and taking her w/ me at are expense( and I don’t mind )

She came to visit me for 2 weeks and all was well but when I took her back home today my dumb butt had to ask her why she had to write the letter on our annaversy and I got the same response she was depressed and according to her therapist was self sabotaging the marriage. I know she under a lot of stress but to give her heart and soul to another man and to say (she has fallen completely in love with him and without remorse or guilt (that is a quote form the 1st letter she wrote on our anniversary)

That is what is killing me

LakesideDream Established Member

LakesideDream

Posted
Posted
I know it is over w/ them because his wife found out in November. And when I found out in July I sent his wife a certified letter with the letters I have found. And if it went physical he would have to come to her since she live 1000 miles away,

I have all of her passwords and accounts that she has told me of.

With my background I have checked her computer and I know it is over with him.

But my question is how do I forgive (I know I will never forget) that she gave her heart and soul to another man on our anniversary?

With my job I cannot do IC. (For this guess I’m screwed lol)

My Question is I have called every favor in for my job to save this marriage(be cause I turned down my promotion in order to retire in 2011) by means of not leaving were I am at except for the US and taking her w/ me at are expense( and I don’t mind )

She came to visit me for 2 weeks and all was well but when I took her back home today my dumb butt had to ask her why she had to write the letter on our annaversy and I got the same response she was depressed and according to her therapist was self sabotaging the marriage. I know she under a lot of stress but to give her heart and soul to another man and to say (she has fallen completely in love with him and without remorse or guilt (that is a quote form the 1st letter she wrote on our anniversary)

That is what is killing me

 

 

 

ArmyDude, Truth is that you will never "forgive her" the best you can hope for is to keep it out in the open and learn to cope with it. Until you can cope with it.. the relationship will be very difficult for you.

 

Until the betayal becomes just another episode in marriage (if it does) it will bother you every day. The things that help are the WS being transparent, and showing a honest and vigorous effort to make ammends for the pain she caused. If she isn't willing, or able to do this your marriage may be over.

 

Sorry to be so blunt... But you are "Army" after all, thickheaded as usual.

 

Semper Fi,

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