salem mark Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 heh everyone, Im not really sure if my girlfriend has broke up with me officially yet, but she's become very cold in the last week, (im not sure why, we were with each other 24/7 it was very intense for 2 months and maybe it was too much for her, who knows) I sensed she need space so I backed off. i sent just one text this week, saying "i really miss you" she responded with ": ) ". so I emailed her asking her if she wants to go to dinner Friday, she said yes, Maybe to make it official or this might be me thinking too much?. Did I make a mistake?
carhill Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Put two months into the perspective of your life and assign it and her the appropriate importance. Meet for dinner and accept the results. Watch her actions. Don't question her. Make a decision in your mind right there whether you want to invest more or not. Then do it. Good luck!
Art_Critic Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Maybe look at it from her perspective.. Put yourself in her shoes so to speak. If she was posting on LS looking for advice on what to do what advice do you think she would get ? This really comes down to you at this point.. what are you willing to accept or allow or even what are you ready for.
Author salem mark Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 like your advice carhill, I'll make the decision to continue based on her actions, at least I'll have some control back
BG1985 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I hate to say this, but I think you overwhelmed her. This same thing happened to me. It sucks, but you'll find someone else, that is if this is the end. The fact that you are having these questions is a telling sign. At least you notice that things aren't all fine and dandy. If this is the end, just make sure to play it cool in the future. Have a life outside of your girlfriend. Best of luck otherwise.
boogieboy Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Do a pre-emptive breakup. She is probably eyeing someone else right now, which is why she is being distant. She thinks she is fooling you right now, while she is planning on making eveything look ok while she is working on someone else. She is hanging onto your branch while beginning to hang onto another branch, dont give her the satisfaction, leave her hanging, let her drop. Not many people get the chance to do this, not many people see this coming. She might beg for you back, but then you have the upper hand. So dont go to dinner with her, tell her right nowe that you need to break up because youre overwhelmed or something. Watch how quickly she turns around, she doesnt want to be left alone, OR sit might give her the go ahead to jump on the new guy.
Die Hard Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) Do a pre-emptive breakup.. You've been watching too much Seinfeld Seriously though, you can't go wrong with a pre-emptive breakup. She likes being the one who is "deciding" if she wants to be in a relationship with you. Make the decision for her and watch how things change. Suddenly her security blanket will be gone and she will miss it...badly. It's the only way you can get hand back. Edited October 22, 2009 by Die Hard
GorillaTheater Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 You've been watching too much Seinfeld Seriously though, you can't go wrong with a pre-emptive breakup. She likes being the one who is "deciding" if she wants to be in a relationship with you. Make the decision for her and watch how things change. Suddenly her security blanket will be gone and she will miss it...badly. I'm with Boogie and DH on this, take control of the dynamics. Far better than going into victim mode, waiting to be dumped.
BG1985 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 At least you know what's going on. If she manages to beat you to the breakup, don't seem so bothered by it. Have an attitude of indifference. This worked for me when my ex dumped me the first time. My indifference was like a punch to the gut, and she actually asked me if I wanted to try again. It ended up only being a temporary fix, and I didn't take the breakup as well the next time around.
Art_Critic Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 When does she enter the Army ? or has that not been done yet ...
Die Hard Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I'm with Boogie and DH on this, take control of the dynamics. Far better than going into victim mode, waiting to be dumped. The funny thing about the pre-emptive breakup is that it has only one flaw...that people don't use it often enough. It's practically foolproof. Like boogie said, she'll either come to the OP or she'll run to another guy. Either way, you find out where you stand. Otherwise you just doormat yourself and don't think she doesn't know you're afraid to break up with her. That's what gives her the confidence to go cold and string you along.
Author salem mark Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 thanks for the advice, i dont thinks shes seeing anyone unless im totally oblivious. were both near 40 (so were not fickle college students) I know shes thinking of some career changes, exploring joining the Army, etc. so maybe confused on what she wants? Im going to go on the date (she did mention she wanted to go out and have fun (in her email) So I really am confused, if she acts wishy washy i will then proceed to initiate breakup, (because I cant live like this). If we have a good time I'll get her back to apt, bed and go from there. I could me over analyzing this
Author salem mark Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 art critic, how did u know? its something she's considering, i dont know the status of that
Die Hard Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Im going to go on the date (she did mention she wanted to go out and have fun (in her email) Ah, the pre-emptive breakup fatal flaw rears its ugly head Just remember, there are consequences to being there anytime she wants.
boogieboy Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 thanks for the advice, i dont thinks shes seeing anyone unless im totally oblivious. were both near 40 (so were not fickle college students) I know shes thinking of some career changes, exploring joining the Army, etc. so maybe confused on what she wants? Im going to go on the date (she did mention she wanted to go out and have fun (in her email) So I really am confused, if she acts wishy washy i will then proceed to initiate breakup, (because I cant live like this). If we have a good time I'll get her back to apt, bed and go from there. I could me over analyzing this Youre not totally oblivious, but youre halfway there. When she says she wants to go out and "have fun" she is pulling the wool over your eyes. Shes making sure that you dont suspect anything, since she doesnt know that you realize whats going on. I think you should talk to her on the phone before the meetup, call her out on her behavior, and if she gives wishy washy answers, you break it off with her right then and there. I know you were looking forward to meeting up with her, but remember she has someone else on her mind, and is just paying you lip service by hanging out with you right now. How disrespectful is THAT???
Author salem mark Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 I drafted my preemptive breakup letter , any thoughts, suggestions? M- I agree we need a break, and I'm OK with it. I'm not sure what happened to you, I suspect maybe you met someone, or not, i don't know, You haven't been the same since Saturday. We discussed my issues that concerned you Sunday and I agreed to work on them and hoped we could continue a journey which I thought, was pretty amazing. And then nothing, You wouldn't even respond to a couple emails? This has been a painful week for me. You knew I was torn up about us this weekend and I got nothing, no reassurances, love, anything I'm very in much in love with you and that will never change but It sounds like your feelings have. Your definition of loving someone forever is very short apparently. Lately I felt like a doormat, which is something you wipe your feet on , not love and respect. I patiently respected, cared, and loved you the best I could. I unconditionally love you and would have done anything to make us work. As far as me, everything had a condition tied to it, which isn't real love. Maybe you really don't even know what that means or how to be committed to someone. I was willing to guide you but not under these conditions. I should of know better getting involved with you again, given your history but I gambled, took a chance and lost. You told me to bring it on and I did because of a deep, unexplainable feeling I have for you and i cherish the past couple months we spent together, i was very happy. Maybe, down the road when you know what you want we can connect again, if not I hope you find happiness somehow, somewhere in the future. I'll miss you terribly, Mark
ADF Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I doubt you made a mistake. It took me almost 40 years to get through my thick head that the people who behave with what we might call normal human decency--e.g. those that tell us when they are dumping us--are to be treasured. Because the world is full of people who can't even do that. Thery are so hell-bent on sparing themsleves any inconvenience they just disappear. I think you need to demand a straight answer from your GF. If you don't get one, dump her.
GorillaTheater Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I drafted my preemptive breakup letter , any thoughts, suggestions? M- I agree we need a break, and I'm OK with it. I'm not sure what happened to you, I suspect maybe you met someone, or not, i don't know, You haven't been the same since Saturday. We discussed my issues that concerned you Sunday and I agreed to work on them and hoped we could continue a journey which I thought, was pretty amazing. And then nothing, You wouldn't even respond to a couple emails? This has been a painful week for me. You knew I was torn up about us this weekend and I got nothing, no reassurances, love, anything I'm very in much in love with you and that will never change but It sounds like your feelings have. Your definition of loving someone forever is very short apparently. Lately I felt like a doormat, which is something you wipe your feet on , not love and respect. I patiently respected, cared, and loved you the best I could. I unconditionally love you and would have done anything to make us work. As far as me, everything had a condition tied to it, which isn't real love. Maybe you really don't even know what that means or how to be committed to someone. I was willing to guide you but not under these conditions. I should of know better getting involved with you again, given your history but I gambled, took a chance and lost. You told me to bring it on and I did because of a deep, unexplainable feeling I have for you and i cherish the past couple months we spent together, i was very happy. Maybe, down the road when you know what you want we can connect again, if not I hope you find happiness somehow, somewhere in the future. I'll miss you terribly, Mark Great letter. Now tear it up and sh*tcan it. First, don't break up with someone via email. Basic respect requires you to do it in person or at least over the phone. Second, don't say to her what you've written. It comes across as needy and clingy. Simply say that you've given it some thought and don't see it working out between you. If she asks questions, answer them, but avoid anything that would come across as needy. Maintain your dignity, gripping your balls as necessary.
BG1985 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 If you send her that letter, that'll only reaffirm her reasons for being flaky with you and leaving you. She wants you to feel the way you feel right now. She gets off on controlling your emotions. If you can be strong and leave her without any of that drama involved in your letter, it'll really put her in a mind f*ck.
Author salem mark Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 whats wrong with telling her what she did wrong, maybe it will enlighten her somehow
GorillaTheater Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 whats wrong with telling her what she did wrong, maybe it will enlighten her somehow Nothing, but save that for the Q and A session, if there is one (just avoid neediness when you do). Otherwise, she's not the least bit interested in what she's done wrong. Besides, it's not your role to educate her on anything.
Art_Critic Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I drafted my preemptive breakup letter , any thoughts, suggestions? M- I agree we need a break, and I'm OK with it. First off.. that letter is dripping with neediness ... not a good look for you. Stop it and don't send that letter... Letter are better written and never sent as they don't really read them and see them the way you want them too. Secondly.. It isn't preemptive if you are agreeing with her..
BlueHarvest Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 First off I got a few opinions on this. I think too many people are caught up on who needs to have power. Sure there might be situations in which someone has the power in the relationship due to one thing or another. But the advice I'm seeing is that he *needs* to have the power. And true relationships dont require people to fight over who has power. That being said, I think if she is playing this game, breaking up with her would be a good idea. BUT ONLY if you are sure she is being wishy-washy. And with that being said, DON'T do this to play games with her or have power over her. Do this because YOU want to. If you do it just to have power over her and see her come "crawling" back to you, then your relationship will end up...well for lack of a better term...****ed up in the end. That's just my view. I've played a few mind games...and they just end up either making the situation worse or further muddy the waters.
boogieboy Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 whats wrong with telling her what she did wrong, maybe it will enlighten her somehow She is looking for someone new, who isnt you, THAT guy is enlightening her, she could care less what you have to say while she is trying to get away from you. You will screw her head up when you act like you want to get away from her...see how that works?
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