Limbo21 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I'm not writing for a response as my negativity will probably only bring you down with me, I just want to write this out so please forgive* I've been in hard nc for 9 days now, don't really know how long we've been split as there was no defining moment, she just kept reeling me in but couldn't just cut contact as it was my fault why we split (there was some religious issues but it was my fault why she became depressed to have to turn back to her faith). I'm having a hard time moving on I've been out with enough girls to know this one was different. She had faults, many faults. She also was an amazing woman. I'm not a superficial person but she was a beautiful looking girl, so sophisticated in her mannerisms and style. Stunning, tall, blonde, slim, educated and very talented.* She comes from Oxford where she studied, speaks French & plays the piano. Very sharp and very witty. A beautiful accent (not like my northern twang)*A real deep attraction to her, she was so feminine and womanly ... And so damn sexy.** She is 27 has 2 children, she moved her family to Nottinghamshire (about 130 miles) to be with me. We was together about 2.5 years or so. In that time we did the things I only ever dreamt off. West end London shows, boating, outdoor iceskating, beautiful meals at the nicest resturants, staying in amazing hotels, country walks, family days out, art galleries, church, museums, visiting major cities in England & for fear of being crude, the most amazing sex and physical connection I've never thought possible. She was an amazing person to be around ... An amazing catch. I felt so proud to be with her She educated me to the better things in life, to really appreciate what life can bring but now it's over. (this is where the negativity kicks in)* I'm really struggling to move on. I'm totally screwed up right now. I'm depressed, anxiety attacks, agrophobia, self esteem & confidence is totally shot. I'm on anti depresants & have been for about 3 weeks. I know they take time to work and I'm praying for that day to come. I'm in a mess and I don't know what to do ...* I'm a keen body buider but haven't been to the gym in weeks, I'm currently unemployed since redundancy of my great job. The reccesion here where I live is the worst in England and I can't drive so have to rely on public transport so can only cast my net so far. I've no real friends apart from my brother & one or two that live miles away*as I've only lived her 3 years, and besides I've little in common with most of them.* My loss is hurting me & I can't see a way out. I could go on and on about her qualities and my regrets but it's not going to do me any favours, I just feel so ill with worry & anxiety I'm not a religious man but I've started to attend church (something she always wanted me to do whilst we were together) as a way of finding some kind of solice Just need to find the strength to carry on but at this moment I can only find memories and sadness Like I say I'm sorry for bringing the mood down to where I'm at.* Thanks (sorry for the grammer & spelling, I'm writing this on my iPhone)*****
Odyssey Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Hey Limbo, Coping with a breakup and being made redundant is twice as hard. I'm going through the same thing...it's been 6 months of nc for me, but i can definitely see light at the end of this tunnel. Almost there...and that's a truly wonderful feeling. It gives me hope that i can see a future without my ex. I promise you, in time, you will get to the light too. Read this excellent post - it's by Caliguy...it might help you stay focus a tiny bit. Helped me through my early days of nc anyway... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/ I know you're hurting. But stay strong. you'll get better.
Ronni_W Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Hey Limbo. Yes, it would be difficult to maintain one's self-esteem, confidence and respect. It sounds...I could understand if you're feeling as if you've lost everything -- dream partner, great lifestyle, great job. If you were very involved with her kids, that's another huge thing to lose. The problem is. This is what it is, right now. What do you need to think, do or say to yourself that will get you to the gym for just ONE workout? If that specific church doesn't offer you the solace or guidance that you're seeking, there are other ways to reconnect with your personal spirituality. A couple of blogs that might be of interest: http://www.wethechange.com/ and http://www.stevepavlina.com/ The second one, scroll down to where he lists "the main themes of our site" - that'll give you some idea if it seems promising to you. Sorry that you're in so much pain. Hugs.
Author Limbo21 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Wow, thankyou for your support. Ive read both blogs (well started too) and Caliguy's link and yes it given me a little focus Im currently out of my house for the first time in about 4 days. Finding it hard, never really knew what agrophobia was until these last 2 weeks but those posts/links have given me a kick up the arse. The only person that's gonna help me is me I have to go into my yahoo email account now to retrive my CV but am basically terrified there will be a few emails from her containing further rejection/heartache. She tells me she wants me, loves me and can't live without me but the reality is she doesnt want me. She just needs to know im available when she needs me. Well its 10 days NC today and i've no intentions of replying, seeing or speaking to her again. I'm too hurt and emotional for any of that. Guess what you don't know doesn't hurt you. I'm going to apply for my provisional license next week but cash it real tight with my morgage, bills and all. Also going to nip into the gym, even if it's just to say 'hello' to the guys. gotta put the 18 or so pounds on i've lost since abstaining from lifting those frickin weights. I want her back so badly but that's not gonna happen. It's the second time she'd dumped me but this time is on the basis of religion so unless she renounces her faith (which she can't) then it's a no-go. Sorry for rambling, just wanted to say thanks, and that i feel a little better Take care Limbo
Author Limbo21 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 I swear to god, my heart is beating out of my chest right now!!!! 17 emails and the account listed a few unread emails for her, One titled 'i dont get it?' !!! Anyone reading this please don't think i'm some kind of wet arsehole, I've just never had a breakdown before and it's totally overwhelming me. I've loved before but never with such intensity and passion.
Ronni_W Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 (edited) Glad you're feeling better...and good job getting out of the house! Yes, it is hard but you do have the power to overcome it -- as you say, you're the only one who can. I would suggest give yourself kindness and compassion - take things one at a time, one step at a time, one hour at a time. Sending hugs and good stuff. --- (Didn't see your next post until after I posted.) First take a few deep breaths...and exhale deeply, too! What are you planning to do with all those emails? Edited October 23, 2009 by Ronni_W
Alexaangel Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 It does take time for the meds to kick in-but meanwhile I know you are in a lot of pain. Hang in there!
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