Gutwrenched Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Yesterday my wife told me that she had sex with somebody over a year ago. I'm absolutely devastated by this. I can barely think straight and cannot bring myself to face anyone. I've honestly never felt any pain like it. And now I just do not know what to do. She got friendly with somebody, and one day it happened. She swears it only happened once, and she regretted it straight afterwards. She says that she made a terrible mistake, that she loves me and will do anything to make our marriage work. How I deal with this I suppose will become clearer over time. But it is difficult having nobody to talk to. Obviously you cannot just stop loving somebody, but this pain is deep. To make matters worse it would appear that she picked a total psycho to have sex with. The reason she came clean is that he has been harassing her for the past year, sending text messages, emails, leaving phone messages. Threatening to contact all her friends and family and reveal their sordid little act. This has left her a nervous wreck and she finally decided to come clean before I found out some other way. I have heard and read some of these messages and think that this person is unbalanced. He appears to have developed an infatuation and is insisting that his campaign will only stop if she has sex with him again. I've have his Facebook details, and was thinking about sending him a message to try and throw him off. Something like: "You know who I am, and I know who you are. And I know everything. For what it's worth, you're welcome to her. The only sad thing for me is that my children will now suffer. You clearly do not care much for your kids so I wouldn't expect you to care much for anyone else’s. What the pair of you get up to is none of my business anymore, but leave me and my family out of it. I want nothing to do with either of you. I've got your mobile number, your name, and Facebook will have your IP address. Even think of bothering me or my family and I will not hesitate to get the Police involved." First and foremost I want him to stop harassing us. And to best protect my children I want him to think there is nothing to be gained by carrying out his threats. I can then start to think about how I deal with my own problems afterwards. I hope all of this makes sense, not much does at the moment. Appreciate any advice and comments.
boldjack Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) OP, You need to question your wife, because she is probably still lying to you or she hasn't told you all there is to tell. Demand to see all of the e-mails, texts and so on, to prove that this harassment is really happening, then go to the police, this is their job, not yours. Edited October 22, 2009 by boldjack
hopesndreams Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Do you believe her when she says she had sex with him once? This guy has been harassing her, threatening her with texts, emails for the past year over a one off? She's been in communications with him all this time, do they work together? How often does she see him? You need to find out for fact what has really transpired between them. Don't send the facebook message. Find out for sure if she is being 100% truthful.
2sure Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Sounds as though he is married as well. You cannot do this alone and shouldnt. Why should you be the victim here? Send copies of what you have to his wife. Let him deal with this in HIS life, not yours.
Malenfant Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 i wouldn't send the message, first and foremost, take Jack's advice and contact the police. If the guy is a nutter, who knows how he will react to your message. Not rationally I'll guess. so there's little point trying to get him to react the way you want, as it more than likely wont work and you could make things worse. then once that part of the situation is under control, you'll be able to think more clearly about what you want as far as your partner goes.
boldjack Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 OP, Harassment and threats are legal issues, and are best left to the professionals. Also, By going to the cops or to a lawyer, you are bringing the affair out into the light, where they typically don't do well. The OM's wife and family will know and your wife will be made aware that this type of behavior will not be tolerated by you. BTW your wife is as guilty as the OM for this mess.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Well GW, sorry to hear about the pain you're going through, it must suck. Since, you have not given a lot of details and are not asking for input about the affair itself, then I will skip that part. As far as your letter to the "pysco" goes, I think it could use a little tuning up on a couple parts. To start, you have to ask yourself the question "what am I trying to accomplish by writing this?". I would presume by reading your post that you want First and foremost I want him to stop harassing us. And to best protect my children I want him to think there is nothing to be gained by carrying out his threats That is a very good and direct objective. I think that this would be best accomplished by keeping it short and to the point. Since you called the guy a "pysco", I am sure that his conscience does not work like yours and mine, it would be safe to assume that he is not going to give a s*** about you or your kids, just his relentless pursuit of your wife. I would also say this guy feeds off of dissent like this, and the less information that you give him about what pain and suffering he is causing you, the better. Do not give this guy any more ammo than he already has. Next, the two parts highlighted below contradict one another, making yourself look confused,unsure and weak, thus actually inviting him to pursue your wife more. "You know who I am, and I know who you are. And I know everything. For what it's worth, you're welcome to her. The only sad thing for me is that my children will now suffer. You clearly do not care much for your kids so I wouldn't expect you to care much for anyone else’s. What the pair of you get up to is none of my business anymore, but leave me and my family out of it. I want nothing to do with either of you. I've got your mobile number, your name, and Facebook will have your IP address. Even think of bothering me or my family and I will not hesitate to get the Police involved." . Last, if you would like to build a legal case against this guy to obtain a PPO or more, you must make it clear to him that your wife finds his behavior threatening. The bantering and invitation to your wife that you put in that rough draft will make obtaining a PPO next to impossible. Instead, try something like this. Mr XXXX; You recent behavior and actions towards my wife, Mrs. Kelly Smith, are intrusive and unwanted. Your threatening behavior is causing her anxiety, stress, and to feel frightened. Your are not to make, or attempt to make any contact with her in the future. If you do not stop immediately I will take further action by calling the police. John Smith I know that this doesn't feel nearly as good as writing him a f*** you and her letter, but that is not what you said you wanted to accomplish. Since he is what you call a "pysco", then dealing with him will have to be direct without giving him any more information about you and your family. By being short and to the point, you are putting yourself in a postion of authority. You will sound like a husband that is strong and in charge of the situation and that he should not take you lightly.
Author Gutwrenched Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Many thanks to you all for your comments. It is certainly good to hear what others say.
Bryanp Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I am sorry to hear what you are going through. A couple of random thoughts: 1. She kept this from you for a year and felt she was forced to tell you because she felt you would find out. In short, if this guy was not a psycho then she had no plans to ever tell you. 2. Most wayward spouses never initially tell you the truth. The chance that this happened only once during this past year is quite questionable. 3. Both of you must be tested for STD's. The fact that she withheld this information from you for over a year says she was willing to put your health at risk for STD's because she did not wish to deal with the consequences of her actions. 4. Her story sounds quite incomplete. You may wish to think about having her take a polygraph. 5. If the roles had been reversed, do you think she would be as accepting as you?
lkjh Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 1. call the police now and report the guy for harassment. 2. your wife is lying, get to the bottom of this and do not let it slide. If you let this go she will walk all over you
road Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Don't mess around if this guy is married tell his wife, or girl friend. Then get an RO from the police. Then get access to your WW's computer accounts and their passwords, same for cell phone. You can then monitor for NC with the OM and gather details about the affair. WW's rarely come clean with the whole truth. Damage comtrol guides what they will reveal. So WW say's it was one time because she had to get to you before the OM did. How did your WW meet the OM? Also best to not make any decisions on what to do about marriage until you take the needed time to process this news.
FreezorBurn Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 OP, You need to question your wife, because she is probably still lying to you or she hasn't told you all there is to tell. Demand to see all of the e-mails, texts and so on, to prove that this harassment is really happening, then go to the police, this is their job, not yours. Very smart answer. I would follow this advice exactly. I am a BS and a close friend to me, told me "Don't do anything that can take away your feedom." You'll be in jail talking to your so called wife threw glass.
jmargel Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 At this point there are alot of questions that have yet to be answered. One of the bigger ones is.. - Why is this guy continuing to harass this woman supposedly after a year has gone by? You need to find out for sure on how long this 'relationship' lasted. Do this by going into her email accounts, reading her email and checking her cell phone records. She needs to be accountable for her whereabouts as well. - You both need to get checked for STDs. You have no clue what this guy might have and the last thing you want is to get something from him. - Counseling needs to be setup for the both of you so you can get to the bottom of this. Remember she has been lying to you for a year and only has come to you because she had no other option. - Has there been any issues between you in the past? Fighting, miscommunication, etc..? - In regards to this guy's harassment you need to contact the police and get charges filed. Have them read all the texts and emails that he has sent her. Do NOT respond to or contact him. All that does is create more drama, something he wants. Realize that she did not do this because of you. Don't put your own self-worth into this. She has to figure out WHY this has happened and why she continued to lie to you for so long. In the meantime gain the confidence that you need in your life. Start setting short term goals and accomplishing them. Look up the five stages of grief as well, it's something you will probably go through. I believe there is more to this story that you have yet to uncover, most times a one night stand doesn't turn into something like this. My guess is that she either had a relationship with him for quite awhile or was continuing to lead him on. Remember to take care of yourself and your children, your wife needs to earn this trust back.
seibert253 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 OP, You need to question your wife, because she is probably still lying to you or she hasn't told you all there is to tell. Demand to see all of the e-mails, texts and so on, to prove that this harassment is really happening, then go to the police, this is their job, not yours. The Bold one is absolutely right. She was soooo devistated by what she did, yet it took her 1 1/2 years to tell you. Let me ask you this, how did you find out. Did she come right out of the blue and tell you, or did you confront her? I'm not convinced she's being totally truthful now. Get ready for trickle truth, cause it's on the way.
itmustbeme Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Yesterday my wife told me that she had sex with somebody over a year ago. I'm absolutely devastated by this. I can barely think straight and cannot bring myself to face anyone. I've honestly never felt any pain like it. And now I just do not know what to do. She got friendly with somebody, and one day it happened. She swears it only happened once, and she regretted it straight afterwards. She says that she made a terrible mistake, that she loves me and will do anything to make our marriage work. How I deal with this I suppose will become clearer over time. But it is difficult having nobody to talk to. Obviously you cannot just stop loving somebody, but this pain is deep. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can tell you that you only know the tip of the Iceberg. Cheaters will only reveal the minimum of what they have too. She knew she had to tell you but then she said only one time. Don’t believe it. I would bet any amount you can wager that it was many more times than that. Go and read what women that cheat write on this site and I can tell you they do not tell the truth unless there is no other way out. Deny, Deny, Deny. Also she just got friendly and it happened? Wow did her panties just fall off because he was a nice guy. Again it does not pass the smelll test. Much more to this than you have posted here. To make matters worse it would appear that she picked a total psycho to have sex with. The reason she came clean is that he has been harassing her for the past year, sending text messages, emails, leaving phone messages. Threatening to contact all her friends and family and reveal their sordid little act. This has left her a nervous wreck and she finally decided to come clean before I found out some other way. He might be a psycho or not. Cheaters usually try to make someone look like a psyco so the betrayed spouse does not believe anything that they say. This could have been an affair where he wanted her to divorce you and when she wouldn't he decided to try and out her. I have heard and read some of these messages and think that this person is unbalanced. He appears to have developed an infatuation and is insisting that his campaign will only stop if she has sex with him again. I've have his Facebook details, and was thinking about sending him a message to try and throw him off. Something like: "You know who I am, and I know who you are. And I know everything. For what it's worth, you're welcome to her. The only sad thing for me is that my children will now suffer. You clearly do not care much for your kids so I wouldn't expect you to care much for anyone else’s. What the pair of you get up to is none of my business anymore, but leave me and my family out of it. I want nothing to do with either of you. I've got your mobile number, your name, and Facebook will have your IP address. Even think of bothering me or my family and I will not hesitate to get the Police involved." If it were me I would probably do the same except I would turn the info over to the police. He does not care about you. He does not care about your children. So he might like the fact that you respond to him so he can escalate this. Gosh this is so sad that for a piece of azz on the side people will throw away everything and bring people like this into a marriage. First and foremost I want him to stop harassing us. And to best protect my children I want him to think there is nothing to be gained by carrying out his threats. I can then start to think about how I deal with my own problems afterwards. I hope all of this makes sense, not much does at the moment. Appreciate any advice and comments. Go to the police and give them the info. Get a restraining order. It is a shame that your wife had to bring this guy into your life. Infidelity...The gift that keeps on giving. I would also think twice about staying married to a woman who does something like this to you. I know that you have not heard the whole truth about this. If you don't believe me set up a polygraph and take your wife there for a few questions to see what really has been going on. I feel for you man. Take care of yourself and your kids.
jnj express Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 (edited) It's too bad our married partners who cheat don't really think about what they are doing, when they hook up with strangers. They just don't know what kind of a person they are letting into their life, and now here he is in full dimension wrecking your life. Get a restraining order on him as a stalker, but leave him alone, If you do find him on your property, or into your personal affects, get police involved as he is invading your home. As to your WW, if she made it clear a yr. ago to this guy that she was thru with him, he should have backed off by now. She is probably still in contact with him, She has worst case scenario still kept up the A., and it was not a ONS. Or she has been trying to make him go away, but she keeps in contact cuz he is forcing her to, by his threats to reveal her ONS to you. You also do have to deal with your WW, for her having the ONS, or continued A. WHY did she do this, what caused her to spread her legs for this guy, you need to find out so you can fix the problem, and it doesn't happen again, that is only if you want to stay in this mge. Your trust is now most certainly gone, and she would have lied to you the rest of your life, had this creep not forced her hand. Take a long look at your WW, and this whole situation and see where you want to go. Isn't it just "wonderful" what your WW has brought into your life. Your peaceful carefree days are over, never to be again, now you have a stalker, and a cheater to deal with. Ain't life great. No matter what DO NOT ALLOW ANY SITUATION TO GET YOU PUT IN JAIL CUZ OF THIS GUY----STAY AWAY FROM HIM, JUST BRING IN THE POLICE IF HE PERSISTS IN HIS STALKING. Edited October 23, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Gutwrenched Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Wow. Thank you all for this. I have a list of questions which I will be going through with her. i am sure there is more truth yet to come. One more question for you guys. Is it best to know all of the sordid details? I want to know the fundemental facts, but is it in my interest to know exactly what they got up to? Will it make thingseasieror worse for me? Many thanks.
hopesndreams Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Everyone is different. What could you handle? I don't believe you will get much out of her at this stage anyway. She will continue to deny. Have you done the snoop yet? Go through all her belongings, everything and anything, even in the strangest of places. You'd be surprised at what could turn up.
1Angel Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Mr XXXX; You recent behavior and actions towards my wife, Mrs. Kelly Smith, are intrusive and unwanted. Your threatening behavior is causing her anxiety, stress, and to feel frightened. Your are not to make, or attempt to make any contact with her in the future. If you do not stop immediately I will take further action by calling the police. John Smith I like this draft better. Very sorry to hear what you are going through. Before sending the letter I'd investigate for evidence that the OM is actually harrassing her because it sounds like a lie to me. As for the rest, if you want to stay with her MC and IC is first step right away.
JamesM Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I agree that the wife may not be telling you everything, but it is entirely possible that this guy truly did only have sex with her one time. He can be totally obsessing over her. I for one would not doubt it if the actual sex happened only once. But I am guessing that she did not simply shut him down after that, but kept him hanging because (a) she liked it, or (b) she did not want him to tell the little secret. She may have liked the extra attention because she wasn't getting enough (not accusing you, GW, just saying). This guy was providing some attention and by giving him a hug, kiss and a promise occasionally, he kept giving her what she wanted. Only you would know if this is possible with your wife. And IMO it is possible that she DID only have sex with him once and tried to tell him that she did not want anymore. Or they may have had other rendezvous that were "just" petting and no actual sex. She may have felt the attraction but then realized that him chasing her turned her off to him. But he persisted and still persists to get more. A half of year is not a long time. The question is what to do now. Personally, if you don't care who knows of the affair, then giving this guy an ultimatum with the threat of police may be enough. He may tell no one. His goal now is to reveal her secret, but when he discovers that you know it, then he has lost his leverage. Letting him know that you know may stop him. Does he know her friends and family? Do you honestly think that they will think she is so horrid? Yes, there will be the initial embarrassment, but after that, it will die down. Doe she think he would stop with only one more time of sex? No, he will want more. Send a note, and work on your marriage. IMO working on your marriage will be the more difficult part. Having said that, with no intent to minimize your feelings, if it is a one night stand, then it will be easier to "fix" than if not. However, it will demand that both of you dig down and discover why she did it...which may lead to some revelations about you from her. This will take a commitment from both of you that initially will need more than the feelings of love. It will take a conscious resolve...especially on your part...that transcends what you actually feel inside. With time, it is possible that the feelings of love will return.
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