Aksion Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Aside from physical/emotionally abusive relationship. How were you able to just -- leave? Do you even think of him/her anymore? I just don't understand how someone can just 'turn off' their love for another.
startingover56 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I can only speak for myself, but it is not (won't be) easy to just leave. It took many years leading up to leaving. He's a good person, but we haven't connected in a very long time. I want him to be happy as well. I believe it takes a long time for someone to make a break, especially if the other person is basically good. I went through a lot of heartache to get to this point. You have to learn to accept it - it will get easier, I promise. If she doesn't want you, let her go - someone better must be waiting for you! Don't waste any more time - I wasted many, many years hoping we would get "it" back, but we never did.
wife Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 You can leave someone and still love them as a person. YOu shouldn't be expected to just turn off your love for someone you've known for years... After so much, you can turn off your desire to be with that person, and you decide weather it would be in the best interest of your physical, emotional, sexual and/or mental health to continue to allow yourself to be treated that way. We are human, and we belong to ourselves. Marriage is a partnership of 100/100. If your husband or wife is not commited to every one of their vows of loyalty, respect, comfort, ect...well.... It can't be one sided forever. Marriages can't be held together by just one person I dont think. I tried to hold together my last marriage, alone.
tojaz Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Aside from physical/emotionally abusive relationship. How were you able to just -- leave? Do you even think of him/her anymore? I just don't understand how someone can just 'turn off' their love for another. Will, i would love to have those answers just as much as you, I doubt you'll find many answers like that. The kind of people who do the slash and burn, bomb drop style of divorce don't frequent this board. They aren't typically the type to look for answers or support. The people here who have left, typically have very sound reasons for their actions and have exhausted other options. TOJAZ
Ilovehimbut Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I haven't left (yet), but I can tell you that if/when I do, it will not be something that happened overnight. I have tried for 15 years to make this marriage work. I have cried, begged, pleaded, yelled - you name it. Although I know my husband loves me (and I love him), I cannot stay married and yet every day feel that I am 100% alone. I don't have a best friend, a confidant, a partner or a husband (I never have and obviously never will). I wish for nothing more than to have my husband wake up one day and realize what we COULD have if he would give 1/10th of an effort. However, it is something that I have come to realize that he is either incapable of, or unwilling to do. I cannot sustain this marriage by myself and I am slowly killing myself by staying and trying to make it work by myself. I DESERVE the right to be happy (and so does he), but I am only one part of this marriage and I cannot do it alone. So when the time comes for me to leave, my feelings will not have just "shut-off" as you say, but rather they will have burned out with all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a married couple.
EcstasyX6 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Hi, I'm in the process of leaving. I still love him as the father of my children and friend, but we are not well suited for each other(too many reasons to discuss here). I knew I wanted to leave years ago, but he's always been happy. The announcement of a divorce was a complete shock to him despite us having problems for years, so I'm taking it slow and at least waiting until after the holidays to continue with the divorce. After I told him, I moved out of the bedroom a few months ago.
Gunny376 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 "I DESERVE the right to be happy!" Hell I just glad after twenty years in the Marines? To still be sucking in air! To still be alive! With all my limbs and digits still intact! Anyday without a pre-dawn mortor attack or snipper fire ~ is a good day! Any day without hunkering down in the bunkers with a good cup of coffee? Is a good day! Any day without an IED? Is a good day! Any day without having lost someone? Is a good day! Any day without thinking about having lost one of your own? That's a "Good Day"
Tethys Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 "I DESERVE the right to be happy!" Hell I just glad after twenty years in the Marines? To still be sucking in air! To still be alive! With all my limbs and digits still intact! Anyday without a pre-dawn mortor attack or snipper fire ~ is a good day! Any day without hunkering down in the bunkers with a good cup of coffee? Is a good day! Any day without an IED? Is a good day! Any day without having lost someone? Is a good day! Any day without thinking about having lost one of your own? That's a "Good Day" Gunny, let me just say that if you're a Marine and you chose to put yourself at risk like that, you have the balls of an f-ing moose. Thank you for defending our country, sincerely. Your post makes me realize how lucky we all are for not having to worry about carbombs, stray bullets, or brutal dictators. And we can thank men like Gunny for that. Ok, back on topic.... : )
Tethys Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I can only speak for myself, but it is not (won't be) easy to just leave. It took many years leading up to leaving. He's a good person, but we haven't connected in a very long time. I want him to be happy as well. I believe it takes a long time for someone to make a break, especially if the other person is basically good. I went through a lot of heartache to get to this point. You have to learn to accept it - it will get easier, I promise. If she doesn't want you, let her go - someone better must be waiting for you! Don't waste any more time - I wasted many, many years hoping we would get "it" back, but we never did. I can totally relate to ILoveHimBut and Ecstacy's posts except I might be the husband in some ways. I'm getting very close to marrying my girlfriend, but I'm pretty apathetic about our relationship and worry that I might decide at some point down the road that I'm just bored and want to leave. So even though I probably don't feel strongly enough to be marrying her, things aren't bad enough to make me want to leave and break her heart.
floridapad Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Tethys Im not normally like this so I apologize up front for what I'm about to say. How the hell did you get to this point. You are on the verge of marrying someone you feel apethetic towards??? You feel your going to get bored??? What does that say about YOU. Marriage is a covenant that is not to be taken lightly. Is she really boring. What made you get this far. There must have been something there or were you just kind of moving along. Don't know the answers to those questions but I do wonder what this all says about YOU.
JaneDoe35 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Tethys, have you had any pre marriage counselling? I don't agree with breaking her heart...but surely it would be better to do that now than to do it down the track after marriage & children. Also she may learn some things about you in counselling that may cause her to rethink marrying you. Please be careful & good luck
Ilovehimbut Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) I also have to post my 2 cents on your comments and I would go so far as to BEG you NOT to marry this woman! My husband is the apathetic one (doesn't want to go out with me - twice in 2 years, doesn't want to sit with me and watch tv - even sports- because all he wants to do is sit on the couch and practice guitar). I told him that all I wanted for our 10 year anniversary was for him and I to go away for a weekend (nothing fancy just a nice hotel that's about an hour and a half away), well we just celebrated anniversary 14 and we still haven't gone. It's not lack of money, but it's just his lack of desire to spend time with me. He just doesn't think that those types of things are important in a relationship, even though I have told him over and over again how important they would be to me. You obviously are not married yet so you don't know how it feels to be married to someone who you feel wants nothing to do with you, or your marriage - I am living it (as your future wife will one day), and I can honestly say that it is the lonliest, most painful feeling in the world. I do everything that he wants me to do HOPING that if I do nice, caring, helpful things for him that he will see that I am trying and then he will make an effort to, but instead I get no "thank you", and still he doesn't do the things I want him to do. Would it really be that bad to put the guitar down one night a week and sit on the couch with your wife (apparantly it is because he can't do it). I am an attractive woman (I think), so it's not like I've "let myself go", but I don't know what else I need to do to make him get it. Don't most men want to spend time with their wives, or go on little trips with them? I guess I thought that that's how it would be, but instead I married someone who doesn't seem to care if I'm alive unless it's dinner time or the laundry needs to be done. PLEASE don't marry this girl and put her in the same situation that i'm in - it's an incredicably lonely place to be. It would be better to break her heart now quickly, then torture her for years, and destroy her self-esteen in the process. Think about it. Edited October 26, 2009 by Ilovehimbut
Gunny376 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Gunny, let me just say that if you're a Marine and you chose to put yourself at risk like that, you have the balls of an f-ing moose. Thank you for defending our country, sincerely. Your post makes me realize how lucky we all are for not having to worry about carbombs, stray bullets, or brutal dictators. And we can thank men like Gunny for that. Ok, back on topic.... : ) I'm a legit retired United States Marine Gunnery Sargent I've a photo ID to prove it. All us vets ask of you? Is live life to its top! To its fullest! Live a life worth meaning! Of purpose! Of meaning! That's why I served twenty in tha Corps. To be a greater part of something than just me, myself and I? Hispanics, Native American, Latino, so called African-American All gave some? But? Some gave all! No where you go in the world, the sky is always still blue.
Gunny376 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 so called African-American I should clairfy that statemnet! I don't cosy up with "hyper-nated Amercicans! Either your an American or you not!
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