Author Ellin Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Oh Ellin- thanks! We need all the hugs we can get, huh How are things today? Did you see/speak to him? Are you ok without spending Thanksgiving with him? Can I ask how old your kids are? I have no children and will definately now ever be able to have them. I feel like I missed that very important phase in my life...but I can't cry about that anymore. (((((hugs))))) Thank you so much Didi, I'm holding on.. And how are you feeling? How do you feel about Thanksgiving? My children are 8, 5 and 3. Hard work. I imagine how hard it must have been for you to go through this operation. For women childbearing brings up so many difficult issues, both whether you have children or not. You said an important part of you life is missing - I have the same feeling regarding something else in my life. Maybe these losses make it more difficult for us to deal with the kind of situations we are now going through. Yes, I have seen him, but the way things are make it difficult to arrange meetings and there's never plenty of time, that's why it's hard to sort things out and move them forward, as it would be awkward to jump on the hard subjects every moment I see him... Tell me how have you been. Sending you my love..
Author Ellin Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 While this makes objective sense, it would only work if Ellin is at the point where either (a) she thinks she has a pretty good chance of being chosen - and the depth of his loyalty / obligation / inertia with his GF suggests that there's no certainty on this; or (b) Ellin is at the point where, should he not leap at the chance to choose her, she'd be willing to walk away. I don't see evidence in her post that she's there - at least, not yet. She's not prepared to hang around forever on the off-chance of him changing his mind and choosing her, but she's not yet about to dump him if he doesn't choose her immediately. So giving him any kind of ultimatum is not going to work. He may very well choose continued loyalty to his GF, and Ellin would then be forced with having to make good on her threat to dump him - against what she herself wants - or to climb down, and create the impression that her threats are empty and that basically he can do whatever he chooses around her. I don't see anything to be gained from that, at this point. Rather, I think a timeline is a safer idea - whether or not it's communicated to anyone but herself (and I'm wary of setting a deadline for him with it, for those same reasons above - it forces HER to make a choice at that point, as much as him, whether she's ready or not). At that point, deciding whether to move on and cut one's losses, and look for someone else out there who could meet one's needs... or to settle for the less-than-optimal-but-better-than-nothing scenario that is on offer, on a long-term (possibly permanent) basis, at least forces one to confront rationally the odds of the situation, having given the players (the MM, and herself) a fair chance to deliver on expectations. Ellin - it's your life. Ultimately you're the only one you'd be short-changing in not living it to the fullest according to what you want and hope for. So the timelines, goals or anything else are yours alone. You need to do what YOU can best live with, whichever way. One day when you're sitting in nappies in the nursing home, thinking back, you'll want the best memories and the fewest regrets. That's what needs to guide your actions now. Hang in there! Thank you so much for this, OWoman, incredibly helpful post. I agree with every word and thank you for helping me put some order into this emotional mess. It is such a relief when I can get a bit of support from someone who understands, having been through the same experience. How are you keeping anyway? How are thing with you and your MM (I assume you have one). **Lots of hugs**
Author Ellin Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Hi Ellin I sympathise with the feeling you have that you can't split with MM the way you feel right now. I have been there. I think you have two puzzles. 1. How do you deal with this situation - and I think OWoman has given good advice here. Timeline it. Get to know him better. Be careful to try to see his bad points. Think about the long term compatibility while enjoying some happy times with him now. I understand that soulmate connection all to well. But I learned the hard way it doesn't mean you are destined to be together. 2. You want to try to understand his relationship with your neighbour, so that you can assess when/if/why not he will leave. I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he may not choose love. He may not choose happiness. He may choose responsibility, especially as he seems to be self-deprecating and may have issues that mean he feels he doesn't deserve to be happy. But by far the most important thing I want to say to you is that DDay (which may hit you out of the blue - you may not be expecting it at all) will be a COMPLETE NIGHTMARE in this situation. For you and his very vulnerable GF. The pain of that occurence would knock the socks off any anguish you're feeling now. You are playing with fire, and the very least you can do is move away from his GF. To protect yourself and her. I really think you need to call it off with him if you can't move away. It would kill his GF to find out, but that doesn't mean he won't confess at some guilty moment. This is a very serious point. And given the way he feels responsible for her troubles now, imagine how he will cleave to her once he himself has caused her pain. He is a compassionate man. In my A, I never considered the possibility of DDay in a realistic way. But it happened. Prepare yourself. Good luck with whatever you do. These situations are very difficult. Hi, Wheelwright, thank you for your understanding and sympathy, it means a lot. You've given me some great advice in both points. And yes, he does seem to be self-deprecating, which is sad for me. And thanks for warning me about DDay. I would like to know your story. Take care.
fooled once Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 well GOOD LUCK to you in waiting for him!!! Whether it be 1 week, 1 month or 1 year ~ only YOU can make that decision. I personally wouldn't begin sleeping with him because it will be THAT much harder to eventually end when he doesn't meet whatever deadlines you decide for yourself. Having BEEN IN an affair for 2 years, I know the pain and hurt associated with one. Having had to deal with not being 'chosen' or rather, me deciding I was no longer going to play 2nd fiddle, I know how hard it was. But GOOD LUCK to you!!
Author Ellin Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 wow.... an inspiration? I hope that you never have a spouse who cheats on you. It is horrid to have that done to you, and it makes me sad to think that some people think it's okay, that they will rationalize their behavior... or, even worse, say " my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on me, so I know what it's like", but then they'll go, knowing full well how awful it feels to be in that situation and do it to someone else ? I know that people don't ask to "fall in love with the wrong person", but people can decide on whether or not to act on those feelings. ( sorry if I have offended anyone...but this is how I feel) The situation she's in is not an inspiration but the way she's coping with the difficulties she's facing, her patience, sensitivity, inner peace, acceptance - is an inspiration. And your hope is void - my ex-husband did cheat on me and not just once. Some other time in my past I met my first great love after 10 years when he was already married with children and cried his eyes out, telling me he regretted not being with me and that he was very unhappy in his marriage, but I told him I couldn't get involved because of his children and marital oath. Some time later he actually got divorced but we didn't get together because of the place I was in my life then. That time I regretted it deeply. So I know the whole thing from all different perspectives.
jennie-jennie Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 The situation she's in is not an inspiration but the way she's coping with the difficulties she's facing, her patience, sensitivity, inner peace, acceptance - is an inspiration. Thank you, Ellin, your words warm my heart.
OWoman Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Thank you so much for this, OWoman, incredibly helpful post. I agree with every word and thank you for helping me put some order into this emotional mess. It is such a relief when I can get a bit of support from someone who understands, having been through the same experience. How are you keeping anyway? How are thing with you and your MM (I assume you have one). **Lots of hugs** He's my H now Thanks
Author Ellin Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 He's my H now Thanks Oh!!! How lovely to hear that. So you're not OWoman any more. I sure need more of your wisdom and good judgement... All the best..
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