Going to Lose the man I truely love... If I can't fix this!

[agnf666]

I have never been the one to need counseling... atleast I thought not... but anywho... I have been living with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. Everything has been ok... but more recently, I have had issues with jealousy, being controlling, not letting him be independent. I know I fear being alone... but If I don't stop this I will be alone. So, its a lose lose situation here. I mean he loves me a lot... all we do is argue over this. He likes things I don't like and when he does his thing I get all upset and whine. He has told me that he has had it... can't put up with it anymore... and coming to a breaking point... but loves me very very much and doesn't want to hurt me.

 

I have got to show him that I will not be controlling or jealous and that I am independent... and most importantly... I want to not be controlling or jealous and be more independent...

 

I don't want to lose the man I love. Any advice would be most helpful!

[Skump]

Granted that the following question is almost irrelevant if you're set on this bloke and he's set in his ways... but, I've got to ask... what exactly is it that he does that annoys you so much?

[agnf666]

WEll, he has alot of female friends... and he likes to go hang out with them... and I guess I have issues with that. I try not to... but they are underlying.

 

He wants to go hike and go do his thing... and not have me complain or whine that he is doing it while he goes...

 

Then I'm controlling wanting to know every move he makes and what he is doing and how he is doing it.

[freestyle]

Important question:

 

Are you excluded when he hangs out with his female friends?

 

If that's the case, as his live-in gf, you have every right to have issues with that.Are his female friends,friends with you as well?Are they respectful of the relationship?

 

I'm assuming you have a monogamous, committed relationship, if you're

living together. (please correct me if I'm wrong). And I'm guessing the female friendships are the source of your insecurity..................

 

If he's completely open and upfront about these friendships, that's one thing. If not, however, you're wanting to know his every move is an understandable, and normal reaction. There is a big difference between irrational jealousy, and rational jealousy.

[Javelin]

WEll, he has alot of female friends... and he likes to go hang out with them...

 

Does he hike with these female friends or is there more?

 

Come on woman, you need to be more descriptive!

[Dexter Morgan]

as a guy that just left someone who was jealous and controlling about a year ago, I can say you will lose him if you don't stop.

 

now I beg the question though, is he giving you a reason to be jealous? Is he going out partying and coming home in the wee hours of the morning? texting other girls?

 

If he is really giving you nothing to be jealous over, then the only advice I can give you is just STOP!!!

 

if he is throwing up some red flags....then maybe you need pay attention to those flags and your jealousy is being provoked. And in that case, if he is doing shady things, why would you be so in love with him?

[Dexter Morgan]

WEll, he has alot of female friends... and he likes to go hang out with them... and I guess I have issues with that. I try not to... but they are underlying.

 

well, here is a litmus test....ask him if you can tag along when he hangs out with them. If he doesn't want you to, there is your answer...he is a jackass.

 

If he says, "sure, grab your coat", then maybe its a-ok.

[agnf666]

Well... Thanks for the responses...

 

Here's what happened in the last few days to me...

 

Now, he is saying it is his fault for being selfish and not treating me right, and going on about all of that...

 

Then he says to me last night... That he loves me VERY much and cares about me VERY much... BUT... he thinks he has lost the feeling of wanting to be a relationship.

 

I asked him if he wanted to break up... he told me no, I asked him if he wanted to try to mend the relationship he told me that he wasn't sure what to do at this point.

 

He got really upset when I suggested we not sleep together, and was not happy for me to be pushy for answers.

 

He hugged and kissed me last night and this morning before leaving for work. He told me that he still would like to hang out and do things together this weekend.

 

Something tells me that If I leave him alone, give him air and space and time to figure thoughts out... maybe we will be able to mend this... because if I keep on pushing this is not going to go over well at all... I hope that is right...

[agnf666]

He hiked with his one female friend a few weeks ago... and hangs out with her while Im at work here and there. I met her... she's ok... He has been open about there friendship.

 

There is just this other girl that I just can't get on board with. At a point of time when we went through a big ruff patch, they went on a date and she kissed him, and posted everywhere that he was her boyfriend and then when I asked him about it he denied it and then 2 days later everything she had posted on her myspace about him was gone... then he got serious with me. But most recently, while drunk he txt to her that he loved her... when I found out he just said it was by accident and that he never meant to do that... he was very drunk that night... idk if that is a good excuse or not...

[GorillaTheater]

But most recently, while drunk he txt to her that he loved her... when I found out he just said it was by accident and that he never meant to do that... he was very drunk that night... idk if that is a good excuse or not...

 

I'm going to go with "not", and it makes me wonder exactly why he needs space. If it was me, that could well be a deal-killer.

 

I think that perhaps it's best that both of you have some space to think things through.

[agnf666]

He told me that it was an accident, he was meaning to send that to me...

[GorillaTheater]

He told me that it was an accident, he was meaning to send that to me...

 

Maybe so, and I'm not here to bring you down, but what about you? Do you believe it?

 

What I'm getting at here is that I wonder if insecurity (perhaps not entirely unfounded) over this sort of thing is playing a role in your percieved clinginess. Even if the text was meant for you, I think you've both gotten caught up in an unhealthy dynamic that a little space may help. He obviously thinks so, and I think it may be good for you too.

[Lucky_One]

So does he hang out with this ex-hook-up while you are unavailable? If so, then you need to be plain with him that you don't like it as there is too much romantic history between the two of you. If he refuses to stop seeing her, then you have another piece of proof that he is more caring of his desires than of nurturing your R.

 

Sounds like he goes out an awful lot and drinks a lot when you aren't there. Are you ever invited?

[agnf666]

I was with him the night he went out to drink, it was oktoberfest. It was a group of us there... and I was txting him just being funny... her name happens to start with the same letter, so I was thinking that it could be possible... he did drink over 4 liters of beer that night. And did apologize. He states he has not seen or hung out with her in over a year because he knows that I would be upset over it.

 

He hangs out with his other friends alot sometimes when I'm at work and such.

 

All he really wants and has said to me he just wants to be able to do his own thing and not upset me at all... so I dont know.

[agnf666]

I'm invited when I'm not working. He doesn't invite me much to go hiking because he knows im not big on that one either.

[Art_Critic]

agnf666.. it's kinda hard to tell what is really in his head.. if he is having thoughts of "damn .. that girl over there looks pretty good and I'd love a chance at that" then I would think he is just over the relationship and looking for another..

 

But...

 

If he is having thoughts of "damn.. I love agnf666 so much but I can't stand when she gets all over me for having friends" then I would think he is just feeling pressured by you but he really loves you and just doesn't know how to fix the issue..

 

It seems like you both are not on the same page about things you should be..

 

Like you are on the same page about living together but you aren't on the same page as far as the commitment side of the relationship..

 

Maybe the best idea is really what you are doing.. talking to him.. working out any wrinkles..

Don't make any knee jerk responses right now and see where things go.

[agnf666]

He cried soo much... And told me he loves me soo much, and cares about me soo much. I know he feelings for me is genuine. I mean I dont want to pressure or pressing for answers because I will just get one that I wont like. He states he is just unsure of everything, and is very depressed, and doesn't want to break up... but not sure what to do.

 

My thoughts were to leave him alone on the topic, let him do what he needs to do... let him think...and when he comes to terms with what he really wants then I will know. I mean I just should be myself. Let him be himself.

[stace79]

Frankly I'm having a hard time seeing what is so wonderful about him that you'd want to put up with his "confusion".

 

I used to be the way you are now -- worried all the time about getting dumped and being alone. But it's really not that bad. And if some jerk off is "unsure" if he wants to be with me or not, well hit the road then! I don't need to be in a R so badly that I will stick with someone who doesnt really know if he wants to be with me or not. That's ridiculous.

 

Now, as for your insecurities.

 

1. Everyone should have an interest or two of their own. My ex liked playing video games for fun; I liked hanging out by the pool/beach or volunteering. We didn't really do those things together. I would hang out with my girlfriends or family; he would play online games with his guy friends, and everything was cool.

 

2. Now if he was constantly out doing something alone with another woman that I didn't know at all? No, thanks. There would be some further discussion about it and then I would decide if I was comfortable with it or not.

[torranceshipman]

I say pre-emptively dump him. It's quite offensive to me that he is bleating about being 'confused', crying one day and saying he is wanting no relationship but 'still wants to hang out this weekend', or is not sure what he wants, the next. This is very, very hard on you and very unfair.

 

PLUS he 'accidentally' texts another girl saying 'i love you' to her?! After they went on a date and when you know she has feelings for him too?? C'mon...you need to say that as he is confused and putting you through hell here, you need time and space to process it all. YOU leave HIM and you immediately become more of a prize as he can't all of a sudden take it for granted that you are there if he wants you. I really think you need to take a break from this guy-it'd be good for him and for you. Give him a theoretical slap in the face and make him think...either he'll take it as a chance to walk away or will be horrified and it'll be the wake up call that he needs.

 

I think your insecurity is well founded because of how he has been acting.

[Javelin]

You should probably let this guy go, because confusion is one of the first step towards an unhealthy relationship.