Long Distance Breakup NC?

[rebe84]

So here is my story. I had a great relationship with my ex and we were together for a year, then I brokeup with him. Then we couldn't be friends after the breakup cause all he would do is try to hurt, confuse me and try to make me jealous. After a break of NC, for a long time I would say about 6 months or so, I had moved on with another guy. After that didn't work out, he came to my rescue and in the end we had decided to get back together. I'm from OR and him, NH. I knew he would always eventually go back and he did after 4 months of getting back together. When he left I was so hurt. He cried for weeks pleading with me not breakup with him and convincing me that a long distance would work. As soon as he moved there, he changed. He was always partying with the boys or just so busy that I would hardly get to hear from him which would cause a lot of our problems. He tried to breakup with me a few times but I had always talked him out of it, saying we came this far we don't have to give up because we love each other. So on a much needed break on both ends, he decides to end it in an email. I was so crushed. He wanted me to talk on the phone with him about this after the email, so I did. That was the last time I ever heard from him.

 

When we had talked on the phone about the breakup, I would ask him questions hoping of some type of closure. He would always tell me I don't know. He kept saying he was so sorry a million times and then cried on the phone. When I asked him if he wanted to be friends or have me in his life, his reply was still I don't know. He also had mention that he would call me every other week or email me once a week but I don't know if that will happen or if he said that to subside the blow. He deleted all of my facebook comments but leaves my pictures up, and the his main picture that I took of him when he was filled with inlove happiness with me but still hasn't deleted me off his facebook. I don't get it or why this had to happen, or why he wouldn't let me end it before hand. I haven't contacted him at all, no phone calls..no texts..nothing. But I keep wondering if he will ever talk to me again because he told me before he left he wanted a life with me and to marry me someday.

 

P.S. The day he broke it off with me was the day I sent a love package I created for him. Never thanked me.

 

What do I do? And how do I get over this hurt? I lost my best friend and lover, I feel so completely lost without him. Does NC really work?

Edited October 22, 2009 by rebe84

[emermaid]

hi rebe- i've been in a similar situation and am just starting to come out of it, two months past the break up! so my comment might be a little delayed, but perhaps i can help you learn what i learned the hard way. it was good to read your entry because from the outside--all that hot/cold and lack of closure looks different. you don't need to put up with that! get rid of him! maybe reading my situation will help you a little:

 

to make a long story short, my ex and i were together only 6 months, but had an intense and quick affair. she pressured me to move in with her and wanted to make plans to move away from new york together at the end of august. i was reluctant to move so fast, but love is blind, and by month 4 i was with her on the plan to move away together. a few weeks later, out of the blue, she decided she felt obligated to move home to chicago to take care of her mom who'd always had a drinking problem. i'm not sure if this was an excuse to run away, but she denied that. she didn't include me in the decision, just put notice in to transfer at work and announced it to me.

 

suffice to say, our last month together was a whirlwind. i immediately concluded that her decision meant we would break up at the end of the month, which she refused to accept. she said she was in love with me and that her decision was based solely on the need to care for her mom. she didn't want to break up. every weekend, for the next month, i tried to talk to her about what we'd really do when she left. she "didn't do long distance", didn't want to break up, and basically didn't want to talk about things. twice, she walked out on me because she was "stressed out from working all week" and didn't want to talk about the relationship when i was asking to do so. but still! i didn't have an answer.

 

looking back, this kind of push pull is crazy-making, and mind you, i became very depressed and lost trying to hold onto her that last month. the only way to continue our affair was to comply to whatever she wanted at any given time! of course things were good when they were good (lots of i love you's, intense affection, lots of availability), but when i tried to have any sort of logical conversation about the relationship, she showed an angry firey side of her i'd never seen--she'd stand up, raise her voice, and threaten to leave. i literally felt like i was walking on egg shells: don't say the wrong thing or she will blow up.

 

after much avoidance, we talked and we made promises to have a losely defined long distance affair. she swore she was not abandoning me and would be there for me no matter what happened. and i trusted that. she promised to come to my sister's wedding in a month, but never bought a ticket, making some excuse that she'd be stepping on toes to follow up on the email for time off she'd never gotten a response to, since it was a new job. i kept asking when she was going to follow up and secure the time off, and she grew more and more annoyed at me for "nagging".

 

just like you, i bought her a going away gift--a necklace to remember us by, a web cam to talk on, and a long note inside a card. i wondered if they were too much and she said no, she loved them. she seemed genuinely excited about all of these gifts and promised to wear the necklace and talk on the web cam with me. she promised to give me a gift at the wedding. so, i helped her move out and said goodbye.

 

her first few days in chicago, she called and said "i love you". then, on the 5th day, i got a bit needy and insecure about the separation. just plain upset, actually. i'd had a bit of a break down of sorts (i was going through several other major life/work/home changes at the same time she left). i called her to talk and she was short with me, said she'd call back later. she didn't call for two days. that saturday night she finally called and was cold, just "wanted to see if i was okay". she said she needed space to get settled at her mom's but that it was nothing personal. she said not to call her until she called me.

 

the next day she broke us up on facebook, so i called anyway asking for an explanation. she blew up at me. things were over, she couldn't deal with me. after listlessly ranting against my pleas to calm down, she hung up the phone. she received a friendly postcard i'd sent before that conversation and must have felt guilty. a week later i get one of those shallow generic emails "this isn't how i wanted things to be. ill love you always and hope we can look past this and be friends some day".

 

i called her to try to get more explanation towards closure, but i only got more yelling. she said she'd decided she would blame no one and just move on, not go over the past. obviously, this wasn't enough explanation for me, but she was so heated that i couldn't get a word in. i had to give up or move on to the next topic. we stayed on another hour making small talk and catching up, which i sort of regret doing at this point, just because it was more peaceful than i was feeling towards her for shutting me out and shutting me down. she promised to keep in touch via email and phone. but i never got a call from her.

 

two weeks later, i called and tried to talk again. this time, all she would say was that we broke up "because of the distance". she insisted it didn't make sense to me because i was "Depressed. And things don't make sense when you are depressed." she made sure to get off the phone quickly after that. my sister's wedding came a few weeks later and i got a text from her talking about a TV show she'd caught. i didn't answer. i was angry that she wasn't there and that she was trying to contact me via text of all means.

 

another month went by and i called her on a whim hoping she'd come to her senses. nothing had improved- she had no patience or interest in talking about the relationship. i was crying and she threw in my face that she was over me and over everything. it hadn't worked out because she "never wanted long distance" and she had moved on. i said i hadn't moved on. she persistently repeated that she did not want to talk about the break up at all. she finally let me get a few words in, and i told her how much she'd hurt me. she said that it takes longer for some people to get over things than others and she didn't want to be part of my process. i told her i would be deleting her on facebook to have some space and please don't call me, ill call when i'm ready. this seemed okay until she untagged all of the photos of us together (even standing side by side) the next day. it seemed spiteful of her to do that, if she was really over things as she'd said.

 

moral of the story is, i think that no contact is good--and intentional no contact from the beginning. i dragged out the process trying to get closure from someone who hurt me, who was not going to give anything to me, who instead would only make me feel worse and worse. i will tell you that after deleting her facebook two days ago, i went through a deep depression as if someone died (because it was our last form of contact), but now i feel a bit better. i wish i had done it from the beginning and owned my anger because obviously i have a right to be mad and not take abuse from her. for some reason i felt that if i held on, i'd have more of a chance of friendship in the long run, but really it only caused me more pain and depression for me. sometimes we have to learn the hard way, but eventually we do learn.

[Lost Fish]

i wish i had done it from the beginning and owned my anger because obviously i have a right to be mad and not take abuse from her. for some reason i felt that if i held on, i'd have more of a chance of friendship in the long run, but really it only caused me more pain and depression for me. sometimes we have to learn the hard way, but eventually we do learn.

 

Quoted for truth. Hard, tough, story emermaid. I feel for you and am glad that you were able to see how abusive and disrespectful she was towards you. No one deserves to be treated the way she treated you.

 

I'm in NC with a long distance ex...today is day 9. She's tried to contact me but I'm staying strong right now. She left me for some local party boy - I told her she's making a huge mistake, I'm a much better person than him, and I can't be part of her life while she's frolicking around with captain d-bag.

 

Perhaps it was harsh, but it's the truth. I'm on LS right now to maintain my resolve in NC and your story helps.

 

To the original post:

NC does work! People on here sometimes think that once you go NC that you really never will let the person back in. But the truth is that the time apart will enable both of you to take a look at what you are losing - the only real way to accept him back is if he pleads and begs and says he made a huge mistake - but it seems like the way these things work is that the ex doesn't come back until you've finally healed. Then you face a hard decision.

 

You aren't alone and I feel for you. It will get better. Find peace. <3