well, he did it...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Myrtle -

 

I truly appreciate your post. I understand how painful it is for you to be here. It saddens me that because of someone like me you have to say the words that youre not completely certain of your husband. Its not fair for you to have to feel that way.

 

But thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. And even though I'm the dreaded OW and dont deserve anything from anyone, you have helped me.

[boldjack]

This thread has been one of the best in the OW/OM forum, that has happened in a long while. Many people have exchanged ideas and there has been very little (if any) rancor or name-calling. WS's OW/OM's and Bs's have all contributed in a positive, healthy way. If any new posters are wanting to know if LS can be helpful, this would be one of the threads for them to read. My congratulations to all who have posted .:D

[2sure]

When a couple enters MC for infidelity, depending on the program - one of the first things suggested that they do together is write a closing NC letter to OW.

 

So, yes they wrote it together and of course it was rehearsed. Our MC even gave us sample letters. Its just a step in the process, not something either one of them came up with to spite you.

[scatterd]

BEG good job you have done the right thing.Everyone here has a different way of saying it but intentions are all good.Im glad things are working out

sounds like its taking work but so far the out come is worth it.

[MizFit]

I confess to being a little puzzled. You slept with her husband, had a long term affair with him, intruded into her marriage and basically tore it to shreds. And you're angry about how she's handling it through him? You actually think you have a right to that? She and your H are the victims in this, not the OM, and certainly not you. If she hasn't reached out to your family, friends, neighbors, or co-workers yet, consider yourself lucky. It's still early in the game. Any pain this process may be causing your H is entirely on you, not her. It takes two people saying yes to start an affair, and only one saying no to stop it before it starts. Who are you more angry at? Him for saying yes? Or yourself for not saying no?

 

Feel the anger and hurt all you want. You can't help how you feel. No one can. What matters is whether we act on those feelings. You need to realize that the OM is not yours. He never was, and he was never going to be. You and he created this mess together, with no input from his W or your H. You each have to own your share of it. Sending you that email with his wife standing over him was part of his share. You having to read it to your husband, and seeing the pain back on his face because of it, is part of your share. Own it.

 

Be as angry as you like, The only person you really have any business being angry at right now is yourself. Because if you're truly serious about rebuilding your marriage, the OM was effectively dead to you on D-Day.

 

JAG

 

 

JAG...I'm kind of alluding to what you've written--it's not a direct response or slam. I'm just using it because it pertains to what I'm going to write.

 

MY MM and I had a conversation a bit ago about if and when DDay rolls around. I've told him I can handle him disappearing and going off to heal his marriage...I tell him to do it now and he won't. However, if he makes the mistake to either write an email that is clarly 'joint' or to allow her to call me all bets are off. I've protected his secret for months...I've been his conspirator and his ally...if he is caught I will not be the one hung out to dry. I've told him that if he willfully puts me out for slaughter then she gets everything I have for information and emails and photos if she wants them. I will not allow him to throw me under the bus knowingly...if he does I'll be dragging him down beside me.

 

BEG...you handled it with much more composure than I would have, but having said that I'm single and wouldn't be looking to heal a relationship on my end. I wish you all the support and love in the world...xx

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks!

ok so dexter here you go. heres the glory. (little joke) but dexters advice to immediately tell H was the best way to go. it did upset him and did bring down the mood of the day but i think it was best. we sort of attacked it as a team. glad i was prepared even though i didnt expect this so soon.

 

and who says I don't give good advice? (the cake-eaters)

 

of course he'll be upset, but this is one more step in proving to him you want to be an open book, because really, thats all you can do. the rest is up to your husband.

[sampowers]

Dear Brown Eyed Girl,

I've been reading this board for a couple of months I am also a MW and involved with a MM. I have always thought your posts to be very thoughtful and helpful. Now this past week your story has been very much in my mind. Hard road, what you have been going through, especially these past couple of weeks. What a mix of emotions and thoughts . Sorrow, guilt at causing your husband pain, anger, and maybe some relief to have the secrets finally over

 

Spending years loving someone in secret, going against what you know to be "right" because the love with that other person feels so right, and then have it all blow up. would leave me feeling so empty and wondering where it all went. ugh..

 

 

Just wanted to say that I agree with you, of course it is going to take awhile to find some equilibrium. I know they say that time heals all, but when time seems to have slowed down its hard. Time takes time, cant hurry it... i do think trying to stay as busy as you can will help.

 

Wish you the best in figuring things out.

Sam

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Dear Brown Eyed Girl,

Spending years loving someone in secret, going against what you know to be "right" because the love with that other person feels so right, and then have it all blow up. would leave me feeling so empty and wondering where it all went. ugh..

 

so true sam.

 

today has been a rollercoaster. things are tough as H & I are both trying to deal with the pain. hes sad, im sad. but we're talking and trying to get through it.

 

MM called today. with her there. discussion about some logistics and the email yesterday. i had some questions for him but completely forgot them when i heard his voice. and this did exactly what i thought it might. it sent me into a tailspin. havent heard his voice since nc. he was kind, but firm. this was the first time we've talked since we weren't a team anymore. its a different world when you know things arent "our" secrets anymore and we're no longer going through this together. he asked questions about me and H and i avoided it. not his info to know.

 

of course i told H all about it, and this makes one more day that we cant just have to ourselves. i guess we'll start all over again tomorrow.

 

so please keep the harsh words to a minimum. im struggling a bit at the moment. not sure why it hit so hard after i found the email so easy to accept yesterday. ive cried all day.

 

i know things will be a rollercoaster for a while, but its hard to deal with the ups and downs.

[boldjack]

Brownie, You will have these days , but they will get fewer and fewer. Did you and OM talk about NC? Maybe now is the time to break clean. So you and your H can have some time for you both? After all, any communication after the act of closure is counter-productive. It re-awakens emotions and solves nothing.

[torranceshipman]

You're doing the right thing and that is good! But bear in mind your H might go on a rollercoaster with this over the next few months-there might be times when he is really into reconciling, but others when he gets bitter. You need to be there for him no matter what, and he has a lot to personally consider....also, don't think badly in any way of your MM's W, as you have both hurt her very badly...if she wants NC letters or whatever to be sent to you, let it happen, as this is about her and what she needs.

 

Good luck...and one issue I would like to raise - did you mention you were in an 'affair fog'? I personally think this is a really bad concept - it is just a phrase that means nothing and kind of gets thrown around to excuse bad behavior - i.e. 'i was in the affair fog when I did it'. You need to take responsibility for everything as you owe that to your H (and to the MM's W)...

[sampowers]

so true sam.

 

today has been a rollercoaster. things are tough as H & I are both trying to deal with the pain. hes sad, im sad. but we're talking and trying to get through it.

 

MM called today. with her there. discussion about some logistics and the email yesterday. i had some questions for him but completely forgot them when i heard his voice. and this did exactly what i thought it might. it sent me into a tailspin. havent heard his voice since nc. he was kind, but firm. this was the first time we've talked since we weren't a team anymore. its a different world when you know things arent "our" secrets anymore and we're no longer going through this together. he asked questions about me and H and i avoided it. not his info to know.

 

of course i told H all about it, and this makes one more day that we cant just have to ourselves. i guess we'll start all over again tomorrow.

 

so please keep the harsh words to a minimum. im struggling a bit at the moment. not sure why it hit so hard after i found the email so easy to accept yesterday. ive cried all day.

 

i know things will be a rollercoaster for a while, but its hard to deal with the ups and downs.

 

 

I can't imagine how awkward and sad that call must have been.

To have a stilted and monitored conversation with someone you used to talk so openly with must be very painful. I think it was probably instigated at his wife's bequest or insistence as she tries to make sure that this is over. Maybe she feels, and he also feels, it proves she is his priority. ugh...

so tough for everyone.

 

I wish there was a quick way to heal the heart.

 

re crying all day. of course you are crying..one small piece of advice, put Vaseline on your eyes before you cry, or at least once you start crying, the salt from the tears just rips up the skin. it will help a bit. and also try to drink some fluids... i know it sounds trite in the big scheme of things. but it might help a bit. ..Good luck with all this.

[jennie-jennie]

JAG...I'm kind of alluding to what you've written--it's not a direct response or slam. I'm just using it because it pertains to what I'm going to write.

 

MY MM and I had a conversation a bit ago about if and when DDay rolls around. I've told him I can handle him disappearing and going off to heal his marriage...I tell him to do it now and he won't. However, if he makes the mistake to either write an email that is clarly 'joint' or to allow her to call me all bets are off. I've protected his secret for months...I've been his conspirator and his ally...if he is caught I will not be the one hung out to dry. I've told him that if he willfully puts me out for slaughter then she gets everything I have for information and emails and photos if she wants them. I will not allow him to throw me under the bus knowingly...if he does I'll be dragging him down beside me.

 

BEG...you handled it with much more composure than I would have, but having said that I'm single and wouldn't be looking to heal a relationship on my end. I wish you all the support and love in the world...xx

 

Mizfit, I like this approach. Or you can just wait until the dust settles and the MM calls you, without his wife this time, to resume the affair. More likely than not.

[norajane]

he was kind, but firm. this was the first time we've talked since we weren't a team anymore. its a different world when you know things arent "our" secrets anymore and we're no longer going through this together.

 

im struggling a bit at the moment. not sure why it hit so hard after i found the email so easy to accept yesterday.

 

It's harder because it was him in his voice telling you. You were able to dismiss the email as his wife's words, or at least her editing the email. But hearing him say it in his kind, but firm way in his voice made it hit home that you were no longer a team, no longer going through this together, and in fact, he was "united" with his wife now.

 

But you are united with your husband now, right? Did you not immediately tell your H about the email? Did you not immediately tell your H about the call? So I'm sure you can understand that he is doing what his wife needs in the same way you are doing what your H needs right now.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

my H and I are united, but still struggling to make our way through my affair. we're trying but remain on thin ice. the recent events of the email and phone call have MAJORLY set us back. we're both emotional and hurt and now things are pretty bad with us.

 

im devastated. sad and trying to figure out my feelings. it was so hard to talk to him with her there. it was so hard hearing the inflection in his voice when i started to cry. and now my husband and i feel like theyve brought us into some sort of "couples war." them calling to make sure we are aware that theyre working on it. i wish if he was trying to prove his commitment to her he would find some other way then to bring me into it. it just hurts way too much.

[NowhereToHide]

my H and I are united, but still struggling to make our way through my affair. we're trying but remain on thin ice. the recent events of the email and phone call have MAJORLY set us back. we're both emotional and hurt and now things are pretty bad with us.

 

im devastated. sad and trying to figure out my feelings. it was so hard to talk to him with her there. it was so hard hearing the inflection in his voice when i started to cry. and now my husband and i feel like theyve brought us into some sort of "couples war." them calling to make sure we are aware that theyre working on it. i wish if he was trying to prove his commitment to her he would find some other way then to bring me into it. it just hurts way too much.

 

 

BEG, keep talking to your H. Have you discussed the two of you writing your own NC letter and sending it? Then at least you are both doing something that represents taking back your power as a couple. And if you are demanding NC, then there will be no further possibility of him contacting you and setting you both back further.

 

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. But keep in mind, your H is still there. He is so hurt and devastated, but he's still with you. Help him get through it. Give him everything he needs. Tell him that it is him that you want.

 

Take care BEG... keep us posted.

[moaningmyrtle]

my H and I are united, but still struggling to make our way through my affair. we're trying but remain on thin ice. the recent events of the email and phone call have MAJORLY set us back. we're both emotional and hurt and now things are pretty bad with us.

 

im devastated. sad and trying to figure out my feelings. it was so hard to talk to him with her there. it was so hard hearing the inflection in his voice when i started to cry. and now my husband and i feel like theyve brought us into some sort of "couples war." them calling to make sure we are aware that theyre working on it. i wish if he was trying to prove his commitment to her he would find some other way then to bring me into it. it just hurts way too much.

 

This is terrible for you B-E-G. I can only talk from my own experience but as a BW I have a fair idea of what it is like.

 

From the BW perspective she may have found out about the A and will be reviewing much of what has happened in her life over the period of the A. She will be remembering with utter pain the times he misled her about what he had done, where he had been or where he was going and from her perspective it will seem like he chose you every time over her. You may not have seen it that way yourself but that is certainly what I was thinking.

 

Then for a BW to have a d-day with her H telling her that he wants to stay with her (the BW) throws the BW into total confusion. Of course we question how can this be so, especially if we have read e-mails between the 2 and see what he was saying to the OW. Naturally a BW has no basis on which to evaluate her newly revealed WH's infidelity other than to think to herself "well he chose to betray me with the OW all those times - now he has to demonstrate to everyone that he has now chosen to stay with me". This is not, as some think, to gloat over the OW or to make her miserable. If anything it's a test of the WH. After all it's just his words until he shows it. His words have already been shown to be lies anyway. Lies to the BW and now he suddenly tells his BW that it's all been lies to the OW too. Well there are many BW who want him to prove this.

 

As a BW my rational mind knows what is happening. He's doing the minimum necessary damage to the OW but enough to convince his BW of his bona fides. In some ways he knows this. My own H said to me "well she always knew I was married"; as if that made it all OK. Of course it didn't.

 

I was there on one occasion when he spoke to her on the phone. I couldn't hear what she said as we felt it was disrespectful to put her on speaker without telling her. But I could tell he was trying to be firm but kind. I would not want him to be mean and nasty to her anyway. What happened was bad enough.

 

B-E-G this isn't meant to upset you but it is not so much that they are using you to promote their healing but that the A (with you) is the thing that needs to be healed from, so it does need to be addressed rather than ignored.

 

On the other hand it should just be a "no future contact" thing so if they keep contacting you then that is not appropriate. Having gone NC that is what it should be.

 

I am all for people trying marital reconciliation if the marriage is at all salvageable. You must aim for a new marriage with your H as clearly the old one had deficiencies. Going back to what it was before the A will just put you in the position of being ripe for another A.

 

It's one of the hardest things to do as the BS suffers extreme grief at being betrayed and the WS such as yourself is trying to address that as well as grieve the loss of the AP. If you have been thrown under the bus then that adds to the pain of it all.

 

I can recommend complete transparency between you and your H, be kind to yourselves and do small acts of kindness to each other. Talk about everything. Try to set aside time when you are together, preferably without kids and focus on just doing things together that you enjoy. Try to make it different from everyday life and agree not to discuss the A or other painful things. Most importantly allow yourself lots of time.

 

We are a year past d-day (the anniversary is today as it turns out) and things get better every day.

 

Good luck

Myrtle

[NoIDidn't]

my H and I are united, but still struggling to make our way through my affair. we're trying but remain on thin ice. the recent events of the email and phone call have MAJORLY set us back. we're both emotional and hurt and now things are pretty bad with us.

 

im devastated. sad and trying to figure out my feelings. it was so hard to talk to him with her there. it was so hard hearing the inflection in his voice when i started to cry. and now my husband and i feel like theyve brought us into some sort of "couples war." them calling to make sure we are aware that theyre working on it. i wish if he was trying to prove his commitment to her he would find some other way then to bring me into it. it just hurts way too much.

 

I know it hurts, but it needed to happen for your H to see the true depth of your feelings, not just hear your words about this AP. He needed to see you mourn your loss (for a second) to understand what it is he is fighting for.

 

I saw the upset you had about the email as well, and thought that was odd. But I guess I understand how it feels to think one is united with their AP against their BS and then to get a letter from them that we know they didn't write alone.

 

She put her foot down in her marriage and he clearly wants to show her that he is all hers again. Your H might be doing the same thing to you soon. Be prepared for that. It won't be comfortable for you. But if you really love him and want to work on your marriage with him, you and he will be able to work out terms for accountability that will work for both of you (and likely be just as uncomfortable for him as it will be for you).

 

Good luck, BEG. It gets better.

[Samantha0905]

Brownie, You will have these days , but they will get fewer and fewer. Did you and OM talk about NC? Maybe now is the time to break clean. So you and your H can have some time for you both? After all, any communication after the act of closure is counter-productive. It re-awakens emotions and solves nothing.

 

I agree with this. No contact is no contact and the no contact email was enough. Don't talk to them anymore.

[JumpinJimmy]

Scrrrrreeeech crash bang. Wow!! This is some great s***. MBEG, Your story is just the reason why I read this forum. This is like a train wreck. I'm like one of those pain in the A**, rubber necking gawkers at a freeway crash. On a serious note, thanks for sharing...reading your posts is helping me water the garden at home and fighting of a ex-MW GF from 20 yrs ago who thinks facebook is really let's wreck someones marriage book. Thanks MBEG I hope things work out for you and your husband...and...ahem, keep it coming.

[Samantha0905]

Scrrrrreeeech crash bang. Wow!! This is some great s***. MBEG, Your story is just the reason why I read this forum. This is like a train wreck. I'm like one of those pain in the A**, rubber necking gawkers at a freeway crash. On a serious note, thanks for sharing...reading your posts is helping me water the garden at home and fighting of a ex-MW GF from 20 yrs ago who thinks facebook is really let's wreck someones marriage book. Thanks MBEG I hope things work out for you and your husband...and...ahem, keep it coming.

 

LOL -- you're starting to make me afraid of Facebook. Isn't there a way to block her from being able to send you Facebook messages?

[JumpinJimmy]

Sure, you just don't answer the canned request and keep your profile private thereby they only see you and your friends. They cannot send you a personal message. I solved it by deleting my profile as she was not the only ex, just the only who........I don't want to hear from.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im so glad that youre getting so much pleasure out of someones elses heartache.

[boldjack]

Jimmy, Dude.....lighten up!! You made your own troubles, MBEG isn't involved, and shouldn't have to have you go off on her.

[JumpinJimmy]

You lighten up Francis, that was comedy...and my troubles were minimal and 12 or 13 yrs ago.

 

MBEG, I did honestly thank you. I'm not going to give you any tears though, there are enough of those in here already.

Edited October 23, 2009 by JumpinJimmy

[JAGeezer]

JAG...I'm kind of alluding to what you've written--it's not a direct response or slam. I'm just using it because it pertains to what I'm going to write.

 

MY MM and I had a conversation a bit ago about if and when DDay rolls around. I've told him I can handle him disappearing and going off to heal his marriage...I tell him to do it now and he won't. However, if he makes the mistake to either write an email that is clarly 'joint' or to allow her to call me all bets are off. I've protected his secret for months...I've been his conspirator and his ally...if he is caught I will not be the one hung out to dry. I've told him that if he willfully puts me out for slaughter then she gets everything I have for information and emails and photos if she wants them. I will not allow him to throw me under the bus knowingly...if he does I'll be dragging him down beside me.

 

 

S'ok. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Your situation is different from BEG's, because if I read your posts correctly, you're single. If your A goes south, the only collateral damage will be on the MM's side, not yours. You won't be dealing with your own BS and kids.

 

I don't want to pull a thread jack, so I'll limit myself to one more post and let it go, mainly because my W and I have a handle on things now. I started lurking this forum months ago searching for answers to a family dilemma. My current W and I (second marriage for both of us) have major baggage when it comes to cheating. Both of our first marriages ended when our spouses turned out to be serial cheaters. It left us both with a zero tolerance policy on cheating of any kind. In the last twenty-five years I've severed friendships and business deals over it. I very nearly beat the ever living hell out of my own brother when he looked to be heading in that direction himself. And here we are hoisted by our own petard as we've become collateral damage in my SIL's (W's younger sister) long ago affair. (Cliff notes version, the affair bore fruit, BIL and SIL's middle child. XOM decided he wanted a piece of the kid after thirteen years of NC. Bedlam ensued.) We have guardianship of their kids while they try to salvage their marriage. So I have to deal with the horse's patoot XOM, his lawyer, and the fact that my thirteen YO niece thinks it's somehow her fault merely for existing.

 

To cut to the chase, my wife divorced her XWH. I wasn't so lucky. My late first W was a bad choosist when it came to her APs and it ended up getting her killed. (Before some bitter BS pops in here to say something about the b***h getting hers, please don't. You didn't have to explain what happened to mommy to our kids.)

 

My point is that engaging in an A is like conducting one of those two person juggling acts where they toss flaming torches back and forth. The kicker is that the two people involved are performing their juggling act while standing waist deep in a lake of gasoline. And if that isn't enough, they've invited everyone else in their life to the party. Spouses, kids, parents, brothers, sisters, assorted other family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. The AP's just haven't let them know it.

 

Lurking here, watching the battles go on and on between WS's and BS's, one thing strikes me. The utter surprise and horror that so many WS's express when they finally drop a torch and end up with an inferno. What did they expect? That everyone would skip around whistling show tunes? I feel badly for BEG, I do, but the thing is, all she had to do to prevent the inferno was say...no. She didn't. Now she complains because they XOM's BW is being nasty about it? Or that the XOM turns out to be a jerk? He cheated on his W and caused her to defile her wedding vows. This isn't the definition of of a jerk? She really couldn't tell?

 

She can't do anything about the XOM. He's no longer her concern and she needs to stop obsessing over him, pronto. Any pain this is bringing on her H is her concern, at least it is if she really wants to save her marriage. The statistics give her a 1 in 5 shot. The XOM wouldn't be using her and her BH as CYA, and the BW wouldn't be angry if BEG had just said...no. So she needs to woman up, own the mess she helped to create, and be there for her H and her kids. Her own wounded feelings are entirely secondary to theirs. Tertiary actually. And she needs to be aware that it's still early the game. No matter how careful she and her AP were, someone was bound to have noticed. And people do talk. The worst isn't over. It likely hasn't even arrived yet. If the worst that happens is that she's embarrassed and hurt for awhile, she should count herself lucky. It could be worse. I know. I've seen "worse", up close and personal.

 

Robert Heinlein is quoted as saying, "Don't ever become a pessimist... a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events."

 

I prefer being a pragmatist. Hope for the best, but don't be surprised when it doesn't arrive.

 

JAG