red_cloud Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now. Next month is his 30th birthday. For the past few weeks, I've been feeling like he's been acting distant and inattentive, and as a response to that, I pulled away a little as well. Although he has been fullfilling "boyfriend duties" such as keeping appointments that we made, still calling me on a regular basis, and so on. But otherwise, its been like treading water. We haven't had sex in over two weeks (very unusual for us), there really isn't that much physical contact between us, and honestly a part of my attraction to him has died because of the distance. I've been questioning the relationship and wanted to confront him about being inattentive, but instead I asked him if everything was okay. He responded with telling me that he has been going through some family issues and his birthday is bothering him a lot and he's just been questioning the relationship and whether we are compatible. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive and not create pressure. I've been kind of doing the same thing, although I don't feel like I'm ready to break up nor am I completely sure if I want to. But then again, I'm a girl.. Some insight from guys and what I should do would be much appreciateD!
UbiJW Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 He's turning 30 aka he's thinkng about all his real and perceived inadaquacies, girls like you feel unwanted he feels inadequate. Totally natural. As a guy I would say give him some space and let him work through all this but don't be cold and unavailable then take that time to decide if you want to go forward because I sounds like you aren't crazy about the relantionship either.
ecm Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Some people get freaked out about milestones. 30 is one of those. I agree, give him space.
Author red_cloud Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Thanks guys. I want to give him space, but at the same time, I don't want to disappear or seem freaked out. I"m honestly just happy that he's mature enough to be honest with himself and me. Some of my ex's went through the same thing and didn't even have the decency to let me know what was going on. In terms of our contact, he usually does 70% of the initiating, and I do 30%. Do you think that I should wait for him to contact me, or if I should call him and initiate things on my own? On the one hand I don't want him to feel like I've completely disappeared b/c he's been honest (which I do appreciate) but on the other, I don't want him to feel like I'm checking in on him every few days if he doesn't take the time to contact me? I'm 24 and I've never been in this situation. Like I said above, my previous boyfriends' weren't honest about themselves and weren't really willing to work through anything, so I'm not really sure how to handle rocky patches like this too well.
Author red_cloud Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 It's over. He didn't exactly use those words.. it was more like, what do we have in common, whether that makes a difference or not.
ecm Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Don't listen to the "debbie downers" on these threads (eh-hem...Mr. Fun- quite the name he picked for himself, huh?). There is really good advice if you look around. There's a difference between tough love and just plain grumpy. Let him chase you. People appreciate things they have to work for. And that's why I'm logged on here (instead of cuddling with my sexy man, who is now my ex) because I made things tooooooooo easy for him. Make him work for it. If he said he wants space, give it to him. You know what to do.
UbiJW Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 From a guys perspective if you try to constantly ask whats wrong and fix it it will make it WORSE. The only option here unfortunately is to let it work out. He will need to see whats important to him. Everyone thinks about running away from "milestones", what am I doing! where am i going? hes gotta come to his conclusions. Focus on your ****, work out, see your friends, concentrate on something else for a bit. Good luck.
Author red_cloud Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 He didn't exactly ask for space, he's just been distant and admitted to thinking about these things. He also seemed really hard on himself for having these thoughts..or at least was presenting himself that way. I simply responded that I believe its normal and healthy to question things and let it be. ecm - thanks for the positive vibes. I'm sorry about your ex boyfriend. ubijw - I won't ask him what he's thinking or feeling or what he's deciding and will stop bothering him with trivial issues I normal discuss with him. But at the same time, I won't go back on previous plans or arrangements, unless he cancels first. That way hopefully I'll still be a positive presence around, but not over overbearing or needy.
ecm Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 From a guys perspective if you try to constantly ask whats wrong and fix it it will make it WORSE. The only option here unfortunately is to let it work out. He will need to see whats important to him. Everyone thinks about running away from "milestones", what am I doing! where am i going? hes gotta come to his conclusions. Focus on your ****, work out, see your friends, concentrate on something else for a bit. Good luck. what is the **** in "focus on your ****"? I'm trying to imagine what fits in that blank that warrants a ****, but I can't seem to figure it out.
ecm Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 He might not have asked literally for space, but he's wondering/ concerned about things, right? Even if he doesn't ask for it, I'm guessing that's what he might need. I think if you give it to him, and don't chase after him crying, begging, questioning (which it sound like you aren't) he'll see that he's just panicking at the idea of getting old. (and I can say the word "old" with 30-in case anyone is offended-since I'm 35
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