Need Womens Perspective

[Weezy]

Okay here is my situation.

 

I've been off an on with a girl for 3 years. We've been off since Mid Sept, her doing.

 

The down and the dirty is that she has always pursued me in the relationship, So through some ups and downs, we were at a point where she was hinting heavily at marriage between May and the end of July. I didn't feel like I wanted to marry her at that point, which I think caused some tension in the relationship. In August, we went away for her birthday weekend, and ended up getting in a horrible fight, she ended up slapping me at the end of the fight which caused me to say, we'll I guess we are over. I ended up not ending it once I cooled down.

 

I own my own biz and work a ton, plus I have lots of friends around and she never felt like she was #1 in my life, and she made most of the effort, which I agree with.

 

So after the fight, she went away for a weekend with her sister, and was calling up and nagging me for what i was doing while she was away. I pulled away from her more at that point.

 

Once she got back, she could tell that I wasn't happy with her actions, but then she started to pull away, she went out with friends more, didn't come over as much, seemed almost excited when I would hang out with my friends. This went on for 2 weeks. Then we went away for a weekend togeather and had an awesome time, lots of sex fun. She was saying when we got back how she loved me and how much fun she had had. When we got back, I decided I was gonna make this thing work, I called her more that week and was more affectionate then I had been in a while. Then I tried to spend the night at her on a Friday night, and she was hesitant, she works early on Sat so I asked if she had plans, and she said no. So went over there and all was good. She calls on Sat after work talk for 10 min, then on Sunday she calls and asks if I'm sober, I said sober enough (tend to drink on NFL sundays) She ended up coming over and spending the night, but when I cuddled with her she seemed almost upset and asked why it had taken 3 years for me to be so sweet. I just brushed it off. I asked her the next morning if she wanted to make dinner and watch NFL football at her house, she said sure, asked what I wanted.

 

I go over there that night, she feeds me dinner, has the game on, asks how dinner was, then I start to do some work and she basically broke it off right there.

 

Her reasons were:

• you've been awesome the last week, but it's too little, to late.
  
• "She hates golf (thinks I do it too much") I didn't make her #1 in her life. She said I always talk about making money so I can spend lots of time with my family, but that she should be my family now.
  
• Said she feels like she can't hang out with her guy friends (another trust issue in the relationship but I haven't ever had a problem until she came over at 2:30 AM after hanging out with a guy friend)
  
• and that she can't waste anymore time in the relationship.
  
• I just went along with it, and told her I agreed with her.
  

Looking back, I'm pretty sure she decided to break it off 3 or 4 weeks before she actually did.

 

So that was that, over a month with NC. My question is to the ladies. If you wanted to marry someone, but then they didn't reciprocate and you felt like they weren't giving you enough of your time and you didn't see it changing, would you break it off with them for that reason?

 

Second question is, what if he came back and said he wanted to get married, and have a family, but you were with another guy (not sure she is, but I suspect she was lining one up while she was going out all the time towards the end? She talked about this guy friend more the last month.. but they had been friends for longer than we were togeather, but still.) Would that be too little too late?

Edited October 21, 2009 by Weezy

[maria_patheticsoul]

I say that if she really loves you she will try her best to adjust to your situation....like understanding the things you do for a living...like not being too pushy about marriage.She should not break off with you if there was really love but instead try to make things work out.But of course that is easy to do if she feels that the relationship is worth.If she feels that you love her too.It's should not be a one way relationship though.You should make her feel secured emotionally that way she will feel confident that even if marriage is not yet possible she knows that you will be with her without the presence of marriage.

Sometimes it is very frustrating for women that the guy they are with simply won't commit for marriage and it is a bad feeling.Not many women can understand what is behind a man's mind why they dont want to commit and yet they say he loves her.

In this kind of relationship the woman needs to do a lot of effort and she must love the man more than he does love her.If the relationship is worth doing that kind of effort she will stay but i think she feels it's not worth it.

Now you need to ask yourself....are you willing to make it work as in really work and do some effort also..or you feel that you just need her whenever she makes you feel happy and whenever you are not busy working?You need to make her understand why you act that way...or why you wont commit for marriage yet....only then maybe she will be enlightened.

If there is real love...nothing is impossible....all problems can be sorted out.

[RedDevil66]

I think you made her feel 2nd best for too long and she just had enough.

 

Now that she's stood her ground, you want her back?

[Weezy]

I think you made her feel 2nd best for too long and she just had enough.

 

Now that she's stood her ground, you want her back?

 

Funny how that works. But yes, I cannot get her out of my brain.

[Tayla]

wow, if I didnt know better, you are my ex boyfriend. That was our story except with a few changes in what his priorities took precedence. And those can really make a major dent contingent on those priorities.

 

First I do want to say that it wasnt entirely your undoing. Nor should you be anything less then grateful that you are in the transistioning stage. Its being at the fork in the road, Do you go back and clear out what you can or do you grow from this and see if for what it was in perspective.

 

For her, she really probably didnt take well to the change or effort so late in the relationship. SOmetimes *consistency* in change takes time, its a trust issue of "will this person go back to there old ways or do they realize how beneficial to the relationship ( not just the one person) to grow and contribute?" Genuine change stays even after the relationship faulters, have you changed certain things since then or do you fall back to your old ways?

 

My red flag- be it the male or female is the physical slap. SOrry that just doesnt gel well- Big time red flag and no one deserves such treatment. They crossed a very primitive line of not respecting.

 

As a female and lady, I really think you need to re-access if you did go back HOW Much change (compromise) in the long run are you willing to make to have the relationship succeed, and is it the chase you desire or the person? Some folks seem to have a hard time knowing the difference.

 

To answer your questions: First qustion- answer: yes Id break it off, but not for her reasonings...I'd let go graciously and with the understanding plain and simple- its not there, its not working. the person deserves to hear it from the heart.....that type of honesty is respectable.

2nd question- Answer- I'm mature so I don't rebound ...so that is a really weird scenario. Running back with the Okay now I want to marry you , is way to creepy. The relationship is done just like a turkey Be Thankful for what it was and move along.

Edited October 22, 2009 by Tayla
forgot to be polite and answer the direct questions

[TuesGirl]

Wow you sound like my ex-boyfriend TOO! Briefly...I just broke up with my boyfriend (6 weeks ago) bc I felt that he didn't want to get married (after 2.5 years and I am 32...so it's not like we're kids). I actually thought about it for 6 months! And I realized it was festering inside of me and manifesting itself in ways that were unlike me. I finally bit the bullet and asked and he said that he didn't see it happening, to which I realized I had NO choice but to break things off...so yes, women will break things off if they become stagnant or see no future, especially if that's what they want.

 

Personally, I am still in the stage that if my guy came back to me with an explicit plan to get married, i would listen to the proposal. we didn't have a messy breakup. Things got nitpicky at the end, but mostly bc I was insecure about our relationship (and I was right!). But to answer your question, I think you need a solid PLAN to present to her if you're serious about commiting to her, to prove that you're serious. Hope this helps!

[Weezy]

wow, if I didnt know better, you are my ex boyfriend. That was our story except with a few changes in what his priorities took precedence. And those can really make a major dent contingent on those priorities.

 

That is funny, I've been feeling like I'm a bad guy since the break. But the more people I talk to, I really do think it is about differences in commitment level and in a LTR, you need to be on the same page for it to work. My business is a dream that I've been chasing, and I felt like I wanted to get it to the point where it isn't so dependent on me before I take it to the next level in any commitment.

 

 

First I do want to say that it wasnt entirely your undoing. Nor should you be anything less then grateful that you are in the transistioning stage. Its being at the fork in the road, Do you go back and clear out what you can or do you grow from this and see if for what it was in perspective.

 

That is the question.

 

For her, she really probably didnt take well to the change or effort so late in the relationship. SOmetimes *consistency* in change takes time, its a trust issue of "will this person go back to there old ways or do they realize how beneficial to the relationship ( not just the one person) to grow and contribute?" Genuine change stays even after the relationship faulters, have you changed certain things since then or do you fall back to your old ways?

 

 

I'm very curious about this as well. I could sense her pulling away at the end, but when we had an awesome 3 day weekend together, I thought I could make the sinking ship work again. I wonder if it did shake up her system and cause her to dump me, or if she was already planning on doing it after the trip sometime and this just made it harder for her. If she did have something going on the side. What was weird was that on Friday before the break, she didn't seem like she wanted me to spend the night at her place, which was weird. I'm not sure if it's because of another guy she was planning on seeing, or if she just was trying to keep some distance to make the break easier.

 

My red flag- be it the male or female is the physical slap. SOrry that just doesnt gel well- Big time red flag and no one deserves such treatment. They crossed a very primitive line of not respecting.

 

Huge red flag for me too. Like I said I was gonna end the relationship at that point, but I knew if I ended it, it was over for good, so I just pulled away. Which I know she could sense. Since her goal was for us to get married, me pulling away and making comments about breaking up where in turn a HUGE red flag for her that she had better make her move quick if she didn't wanna be left high and dry. Everything seemed to change after she got back from that weekend. We played phone tag but our only conversations where weird ones with her complaining about the fact that I was golfing, Yet she was going out every night partying with her sister..

 

 

As a female and lady, I really think you need to re-access if you did go back HOW Much change (compromise) in the long run are you willing to make to have the relationship succeed, and is it the chase you desire or the person? Some folks seem to have a hard time knowing the difference.

 

Another great point. when your left in the dust, all alone with an empty bed it's very easy to confuse the 2.

 

To answer your questions: First qustion- answer: yes Id break it off, but not for her reasonings...I'd let go graciously and with the understanding plain and simple- its not there, its not working. the person deserves to hear it from the heart.....that type of honesty is respectable.

 

I felt like half her reasons where about my lack of commitment. and half were petty things that any relationship of 3 years is going to have. To be perfectly honest, she lost my trust 1.5 years into the relationship and it has caused me to be more jellious and possessive than I have ever been in a relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I pretty much block out the opposite sex. She would always make "friends" with these guys, and one time I found out one of her guy friends was talking all kinds of trash about me, and she had even invited him into her bedroom to sit on her bed and "talk" while she fell asleep. He lived in the same appt complex as her, but after that, I never trusted her "guy friends".

 

2nd question- Answer- I'm mature so I don't rebound ...so that is a really weird scenario. Running back with the Okay now I want to marry you , is way to creepy. The relationship is done just like a turkey Be Thankful for what it was and move along.

 

I know this. It sounds so desperate. I might just be grabbing at straws at this point. Part of me feels like she is done done as this isn't our first breakup, and I have made promises in the past to spend more time with her, and haven't followed up on those. She realizes that my life is crazy busy and I work 50-60 hrs a week and she put up with it for a while, but without a commitment after 3 years, and then you throw in the fact that she knew I was thinking of breaking it off due to the slap, I understand why she would have felt that she couldn't waste anymore time in the relationship. She had a ton of free time on her hands and without me their to occupy it, she started hanging out with the guys that gave her attention.

 

Thanks for you reply, truly great post.

[Weezy]

Wow you sound like my ex-boyfriend TOO! Briefly...I just broke up with my boyfriend (6 weeks ago) bc I felt that he didn't want to get married (after 2.5 years and I am 32...so it's not like we're kids). I actually thought about it for 6 months! And I realized it was festering inside of me and manifesting itself in ways that were unlike me. I finally bit the bullet and asked and he said that he didn't see it happening, to which I realized I had NO choice but to break things off...so yes, women will break things off if they become stagnant or see no future, especially if that's what they want.

 

Personally, I am still in the stage that if my guy came back to me with an explicit plan to get married, i would listen to the proposal. we didn't have a messy breakup. Things got nitpicky at the end, but mostly bc I was insecure about our relationship (and I was right!). But to answer your question, I think you need a solid PLAN to present to her if you're serious about commiting to her, to prove that you're serious. Hope this helps!

 

What if you had already moved on into another relationship? My GF never explicitly asked me if I was ever planning on marriage, she let her friends do that. She would just give hints about wanting to do my laundry and take care of me because she knows how busy I am. I think she could just tell by my actions and me talking about my plans with houses and my money that it wasn't anything in the near future. It's been so hard to not talk to her for the past month, feels like she just died.

[Tayla]

Rarely do I find it necessary to say this, but you do realize that Breaking up is a type of *Grieving".

Stage 1: Denial (disbelief)

Stage 2: Anger

Stage 3: Sorrow,sadness

Stage 4: Barter-renegotiate

Stage 5: Acknowledgement to self of loss

Stage 6- You then get to repeat the steps in any order til you gain

The Final stage:

FULL acknowledgement and ACCEPTANCE of the loss.

 

I find it amazing that no matter what a person has loss, a job, a friendship, a pet, the above stages apply. Skip anyone of them and you'll still need to repeat it til you go thru them all....

 

The OP clearly is in the Stage 4 and signs of Stage 1. Which is common.

You are where you are in the stages and I pray that you gain a sense of peace for yourself when you come to terms with the good the bad and the relief that you can survive and learn from this.

[Weezy]

Rarely do I find it necessary to say this, but you do realize that Breaking up is a type of *Grieving".

Stage 1: Denial (disbelief)

Stage 2: Anger

Stage 3: Sorrow,sadness

Stage 4: Barter-renegotiate

Stage 5: Acknowledgement to self of loss

Stage 6- You then get to repeat the steps in any order til you gain

The Final stage:

FULL acknowledgement and ACCEPTANCE of the loss.

 

I find it amazing that no matter what a person has loss, a job, a friendship, a pet, the above stages apply. Skip anyone of them and you'll still need to repeat it til you go thru them all....

 

The OP clearly is in the Stage 4 and signs of Stage 1. Which is common.

You are where you are in the stages and I pray that you gain a sense of peace for yourself when you come to terms with the good the bad and the relief that you can survive and learn from this.

 

Thanks for the post. I'm struggling bad now. I haven't called or tried to reconcile with her. I feel like if I did try and show her my plan of marriage she would just say it's too late for that and I would be back to the first stage of grieving.

Edited October 24, 2009 by Weezy