Nightwolf Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 I am a man. There is a difference between "men":cool: and "guys" Guys do not know what the hell they are doing. Or they do. It's just temporary. My girfriend is paranoid as hell. I can honestly say that I will never FULLY understand women. But I do have some information that may help you. Move on. It hurts.... It hurts real bad. But what hurts the most? This other person living their life and your in the shadows watching? Where are you? Where is your life? You deserve more than the person you long for. Maybe this is more of a "favor" towards you than a nightmare. Because if you think about it- Your "free". Who am I to say though? If it's meant to be. It will happen right? If it's not meant to be. Well, We were never given instructions on how to deal with that right? So, Instead of looking for fixes. Maybe people should be looking more towards what is "meant to be"? Hope all works out and take care. (Take care of yourself) Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Thanks Exit...thank you for your advice. There is a wonderful guy that wants an opportunity. I do like him but am scared to try. I am going to give this man and myself an opportunity. I will try to focus on myself! Im sorry to burst your bubble, but if you just had the mental breakdown that you just had, I honestly don't think you are ready to quite date yet. Until you can prove to yourself that you cant spy on your ex and that you cant think about what him and his new girlfriend are doing, you need to chill. This is my best advice, until you can prove to this board and to yourself that your straight to date again, then I wouldn't date until then. My personal advice, take it or leave it. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Tamia78 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Perception is often Deception. we're making big assumptions here, about people just being able to drop emotions and find themselves in brand new relationships at the drop of a hat, without reservations, second thoughts or, maybe even conscience. I don't believe for one moment it ever really works like that. There's guilt, denial and a lot of baggage - which I am sure they neatly tuck away, hide and pretend they don't need to work on whereas in fact, it will probably creep out of its own accord at some future point and bite them smartly on the @$$..... Simply because we perceive a behaviour from them, and make assumptions about how cold-hearted and callous they are, doesn't make it fact. This. They definitely hide those emotions away, whether it be missing you, being angry at you, or whatever, they are NOT gonna let the current person they are dating see the "bad side", at least not right away. I've pretended to myself that I'm okay, and that I don't need him. It's not true. Well, I DON'T need him, but I'm not okay. I do miss him. Most likely his baggage will come out with this new person, and they might go thru the hell you went thru before you guys broke up......or they might not. Either way, it's not your problem anymore. You'll always miss the good times, but as many have said here, there IS someone out there much better suited for you. Be strong. Nowhere to go but up, right? --T Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelface78 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 yes thebob i wont...i wont be in a relationship. I will chill. Tamia yes they wont show it at the beginning...but oh well i just cant be spying on them anymore. I have to let go and keep it moving! Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelface78 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 A heartfelt thanks to all of you. I appreciate all the advice. You are all wonderful people Link to post Share on other sites
cdt76 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 This. They definitely hide those emotions away, whether it be missing you, being angry at you, or whatever, they are NOT gonna let the current person they are dating see the "bad side", at least not right away. I've pretended to myself that I'm okay, and that I don't need him. It's not true. Well, I DON'T need him, but I'm not okay. I do miss him. Most likely his baggage will come out with this new person, and they might go thru the hell you went thru before you guys broke up......or they might not. Either way, it's not your problem anymore. You'll always miss the good times, but as many have said here, there IS someone out there much better suited for you. Be strong. Nowhere to go but up, right? --T I was just wondering about this today in fact. Does she think about me? Does she have any remorse for doing what she did? Does he realize just how close to an A$$ kicking he really is? But I fight those thoughts daily. I push them aside and I thought of an analogy today that seemed to help me. I try and think of my life like driving my car, look at life through the front windshield and not the rear view mirror. We are the switch and it makes perfect sense. But like you said, no one, NO ONE, can avoid the feelings, ignore them whatever they do, without processing them in some healthy way. Our hurt and pain and time dealing with what happened is OUR way of dealing with it. Some of us get therapy and medication to off-set the massive ordeal and trauma of what happened. Others can handle it by suffering for a little while then using the dimmer and moving on. Some take longer...me for example...I am taking a long time to get indifferent. I don't know why, I'm just not strong enough to get past the anger I suppose...at least not yet. As for dating, I say go for it, just don't get into a relationship or physical relationship to prove to yourself how strong you are and "see what I can do". Link to post Share on other sites
Lamak Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 please, Please, PLEASE delete the damned facebook/twitter/myspace for the time being. People have been telling you this forever and now you have inflicted pain on yourself. The good thing is that this a vital turning point. Now that he is "officially" with someone else you have nothing to hold on to. You shouldn't need that push, but you now have it. You have confirmation that he found someone else, so now it's up to you to rebuild your life. Time to begin true NC and to sever ties with that life. That past. The ex. No matter how good your relationship was with him, you can't dwell on the past. Life isn't about that, it's about moving forward and facing new challenges every day. If you live in the past any longer you'll only be more lost when you finally decide to take control. So do it now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelface78 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) Yes yes i know people have been telling me...im just stubborn as hell!! A part of me cant let go! Yes i thought of that too that now that i saw that they are official this should peel my eyes open to realize i need to move on!!! yes i guess tomorrow is day one of true NC. Its been hard enough to do half assed NC where i dont call. Well not so hard anymore. I dont feel any urges to call. I hope not looking at the myspaces will be like that...where it will become easy. I hope so. Edited October 22, 2009 by angelface78 Link to post Share on other sites
cdt76 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Yes yes i know people have been telling me...im just stubborn as hell!! A part of me cant let go! Yes i thought of that too that now that i saw that they are official this should peel my eyes open to realize i need to move on!!! yes i guess tomorrow is day one of true NC. Its been hard enough to do half assed NC where i dont call. Well not so hard anymore. I dont feel any urges to call. I hope not looking at the myspaces will be like that...where it will become easy. I hope so. I find it hard too...I check her myspace but it's empty...no photos. I just check to see if she was online.....I need to stop that too. Link to post Share on other sites
Gypsy_Soul Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Hi Angleface, I can relate to what you're going through. About 7 months ago, I was in a 9 year long relationship and engaged. I also have a child with him. It boggles my mind how someone can just up and leave and act as though their past never even existed. He refuses to acknowledge me or our child what-so-ever just because he decided he doesn't want to be with me. He'd rather be out screwing several women he meets online, while living the easy, free single life as a college student. Hangin out with younger crowd too btw. Anyway, I used to check his myspace, FB, Twitter, etc. It has been hard because I still haven't gotten any answers. I have learned that I need to let go no matter how many years we were together. They can let go so I will let go. I would never do this to him if the tables were turned, because I have too much love to hurt him that way. Yet, he did it to me. We must learn to accept that they no longer have love for us. Otherwise, they wouldn't have done what they have done to us, especially after so many years together. I know what it's like. You're sitting around thinking, "how can he do this", "how is it so easy for him", "I must know", "I have to see what he's up to", "I can't believe he doesn't love me anymore" etc. It's a cycle of thinking that leads you to typing up his info online and searching for him. It starts with your thoughts. Learn to not care anymore. I know easier said than done, because I myself am still working on the same exact thing. I haven't looked for a couple of months. And I still get those urges that I have to fight. I had to fight the urges yesterday and today. We will make it through though. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I don't have facebook, but I know what it is about.... Although you have had NC for over 3 months... Facebook is your addiction to having some kind of contact.... I understand how hard it is to let go of any kind of contact... It has been 3 months for me.... We travel the same roads... so, yes in a sense there has been road to road travel contact.... We also frequent the same surf spots, the same gym... etc.... Doesn't make it any easier for me.... However I have no idea if he is with someone... and what he does.... Thank goodness neither one of us has facebook... Here is what makes a difference for me.... What we had in those 7 years was good and bad... I had my faults, but I have to admit his issues I felt were undeserving of me.... I look at it from a different point of view.... I know what we had... he may not find with someone else.... I don't plan on dating anyone.... as I am not over him.... once I am.... yes I will date..... To me, if he is with someone, most likely a rebound and of course the infactuation is in effect.... but who knows how long that will last... the quick fix without the time to grieve a 7 year relationship... I don't care what anybody says... you just don't get over someone after that long of a relationship.... I will cherish the good memories and will recognize the bad... I will say what we had he may not find with someone else..... and I say that with confidence.... and with that confidence, I recognize it really is his loss.!!! Move on and know she doesn't know him like you do... and she may never have the history of 5 years.... it makes a difference when you put on the persona of being the good guy... but you know him for who he is.... and he knows that.... some may never know him for who he truelly is....thats history, connections and a vulnerabilty that some will never know..... That bond will never be erased and it isn't something that just goes away... Just have the confidence to know you were the best thing that ever happened to him... and you have know idea how this rebound will turn out... you have history... she doesn't..... Don't let him predict how you feel about yourself!!!! Move on with confidence that you are a good person that deserves more..... no regrets!!! And remember once again... He lost the best thing he ever had!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Its been hard enough to do half assed NC where i dont call. Doing NC half ass is harder then doing NC completely. The pain of half assed NC is the pain of re-injuring yourself. The pain that goes with doing it completely is growing pains of letting go, to be seeing as making progress. You are going to feel pain either way. For some reason re-injuring yourself is more comforting then letting go. At a point it become less about the relationship and more about something else keeping you there. I suggested pick up the book: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life It a good way to start your mind focusing on yourself and what you really need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelface78 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 Gorgeous Girl, Surfer Girl and Gray Clouds, Thank you so very much for those posts. Your words mean so much to me. Yes i will try to think like that. Its true she doesnt know him like i do and probably never will. Shes not me and in time he will see that. Gorgeous Girl hang in there. Gray Clouds yes i guess half assed NC is harder because its like I undo all the hard work i do in not contacting him everytime i look at his page. Tomorrow will be the first day of full NC..i will try not to let all of you down but most of all myself!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelface78 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 Gray Clouds thanks for the info on that book. Link to post Share on other sites
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