angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 :sick:Well today is not a good day for me. I tortured myself once again by looking at my ex's and his new chick's myspaces. Well today her myspace status finally changed to IN A RELATIONSHIP. His still says single but i know it is only a matter of time before he changes it and it becomes official. I am just a product of the past and our 5 years together are history After 3 months its finally official. Cant even begin to explain how i feel at this very moment. Its almost like the last bit of shreds that i had as a heart were finally torn off. I just cant believe that a person can do something like this to someone that they claimed to love for 5 years. Its almost like i never existed because i dont even think she knows about me at all. 5 years down the f****** drain. Its not right. A woman has crucial years where she wants to settle down and start a family. I feel like i wasted 5 years of my life with this guy...he just strung me along. Why did he even propose if he had no intentions of marrying me?? Just playing with my mind and heart i suppose I gave so much to this man and he throws it all away over some dumb whore that he hardly knows. He has such little regard for my feelings...throwing everything out there when he knows i will see it. I guess this is it...i have to really try to move on now. If only i could erase those 5 years like he has. I would give anything to just fall asleep and never f***** wake up!!
TaraMaiden Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Ok. Go to your sewing box, take out the thickest needle you can, and stick it into yourself a hundred times. Then, go to the kitchen, grab a fork, and plunge it into the back of your other hand. Find a baseball bat, whang it over your head a few times, and then, get a housebrick and drop it on your feet, repeatedly. painful huh? Because basically, this is what you are emotionally doing to yourself anyway, by constantly revisiting your past and beating yourself up with it, right now. It can't be any worse..... There's a very simple way to heal yourself. you know what it is, but you refuse to do it, because somehow, you think that subjecting yourself to this torture, somehow validates your position as a scorned partner and an unjustly-treated ex-love. But in reality, all you're doing is digging yourself in deeper to the crap. Which will make digging yourself out, all the more difficult. So....? Stop it. It's a choice, you see.
Thebob Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Ok. Go to your sewing box, take out the thickest needle you can, and stick it into yourself a hundred times. Then, go to the kitchen, grab a fork, and plunge it into the back of your other hand. Find a baseball bat, whang it over your head a few times, and then, get a housebrick and drop it on your feet, repeatedly. painful huh? Because basically, this is what you are emotionally doing to yourself anyway, by constantly revisiting your past and beating yourself up with it, right now. It can't be any worse..... There's a very simple way to heal yourself. you know what it is, but you refuse to do it, because somehow, you think that subjecting yourself to this torture, somehow validates your position as a scorned partner and an unjustly-treated ex-love. But in reality, all you're doing is digging yourself in deeper to the crap. Which will make digging yourself out, all the more difficult. So....? Stop it. It's a choice, you see. Nuff' said by TaraMaiden
Author angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Tara Maiden youre right......:(
TaraMaiden Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 "He is not a fool who makes mistakes. He is a fool who does not learn from them". But remember.... "Everyone has the right to be an absolute idiot for 5 minutes a day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding that limit." 'Now go, and sin no more.' (I'm sure that line isn't original. I have a feeling I've read it somewhere before, but I just can't think where. )
McGrupp Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 turn off the computer and go for a walk outside or drive (unless your at work, dont get fired!) and clear your head. then come back, and block them, or close your account or whatever you have to do so you CANT look anymore.
Author angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Jesus said it to Mary Magdalene.
TaraMaiden Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Yes, I know. And to several other people too, I'm sure. I was being facetious. Point being, he said this to one or many people. Whether they went off and did his bidding - or took his advice - was up to them. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. Fact is, this is all up to you too. you know it's wrong (for you). You know it keeps leading you down the wrong track. You know that it's insane behaviour (What are you expecting??) Yet you persist in doing it. So - quit. It's the only way to heal. Because you really do have your own future at your fingertips. And it's all your choice.
DustySaltus Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 :sick:Well today is not a good day for me. I tortured myself once again by looking at my ex's and his new chick's myspaces. Well today her myspace status finally changed to IN A RELATIONSHIP. His still says single but i know it is only a matter of time before he changes it and it becomes official. I am just a product of the past and our 5 years together are history After 3 months its finally official. Cant even begin to explain how i feel at this very moment. Its almost like the last bit of shreds that i had as a heart were finally torn off. I just cant believe that a person can do something like this to someone that they claimed to love for 5 years. Its almost like i never existed because i dont even think she knows about me at all. 5 years down the f****** drain. Its not right. A woman has crucial years where she wants to settle down and start a family. I feel like i wasted 5 years of my life with this guy...he just strung me along. Why did he even propose if he had no intentions of marrying me?? Just playing with my mind and heart i suppose I gave so much to this man and he throws it all away over some dumb whore that he hardly knows. He has such little regard for my feelings...throwing everything out there when he knows i will see it. I guess this is it...i have to really try to move on now. If only i could erase those 5 years like he has. I would give anything to just fall asleep and never f***** wake up!! Angel, I know what you are going through. It's hard to believe that someone can move on so fast. I do believe that there is someone out there for every single one of us. You may have thought he was the perfect man but he is not....he's not for you. Someone who is perfect for you would be there always in good times and bad. When things were bad, we both hunkered down, while they ran for the hills. Relationships and people in general should not be judged in the best of times, but the worst of times. I promise you that you will find that special someone that makes you feel like you are floating on air. But now I need to be a little tough with you: STOP LOOKING AT HIS MYSPACE AND FACEBOOK PAGES!!!!!! This not helping you heal. Everyday you look at his page you are one DAY ONE of NC all over again! This guy is not worth it. I agree with Tara completely....QUIT and get back to you Angel. One day at a time....
Thebob Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 JEEZE so much helpful advice on this board. I honestly think that if you look at your ex's myspace your not back to square one, but your slowing the healing process down just a tad bit because during that time of spying, your losing time for healing. You better take advantage of all these helpful hints Angel and move on with your life. Nuff Said, Thebob
cdt76 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Yes, I know. And to several other people too, I'm sure. I was being facetious. Point being, he said this to one or many people. Whether they went off and did his bidding - or took his advice - was up to them. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. Fact is, this is all up to you too. you know it's wrong (for you). You know it keeps leading you down the wrong track. You know that it's insane behaviour (What are you expecting??) Yet you persist in doing it. So - quit. It's the only way to heal. Because you really do have your own future at your fingertips. And it's all your choice. Tara, I think you are somehow talking about an emotional disconnect in the brain. You've helped me on another thread. I know women, or at least a few that I have met, have this emotional switch or trigger that allows them to "turn off", not think about negative feelings and go completely in a new direction seemingly without effort, remorse, pain, anger and all the emotional baggage that goes along with a bad break up. My ex did it, well, of course she cheated and so the emotional switch was easy to trigger. A girlfriend of mine did it after she was dumped out of the blue by her boyfriend of 5 months. My ex wife did it after a 10 year marriage. Where is this switch in the brain or thought process that turns off the negative internal feelings and thoughts that get us to that point of Indifference you speak of. Over the course of the last couple of weeks, the negative outward thoughts have internalized, like the OP here. What are we to do when there is no switch or the mechanism to build the switch doesn't come with a manual?
Author angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Yes i need to know the vicinity of this switch. I want to turn the lights off or on...whichever. Just want to stop the negative obsessive thoughts!!!
Author angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 You guys are all so strong. You people are right!!!
Author angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 I think the hard part is accepting that hes not my fiance anymore. That he is now HER boyfriend. Literally i am up in there business. Im like the other woman now ;( Geez!!! So depressing!!
Exit Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Sounds like you had a painful day but this might be exactly what you needed. Ripping up the last few shreds of hope. I was the same way. I didn't start to heal until the day I went to wait at my ex's house with flowers, and ended up seeing her come home with another guy. It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me, but since then I have had no trouble keeping NC and moving on. You need to stop checking the Myspaces now. Not only are you betraying yourself, but there are a lot of people on the forums who have tried to help you and you are hurting them too each time you decide to ignore their advice and keep doing the wrong things. Let your heart be broken. Let your hope be destroyed. The 5 years you spent together is only a waste if you choose to look at it that way, surely you experienced some good things and learned a lot. Your life isn't over. If you're scared that you already wasted 5 years, why would you want to risk wasting any more time over this guy? Time to focus on yourself and then meet someone even better! I wasted 6 months chasing my ex and if you don't stop yourself you're going to suffer the same fate. Just let it go, it's such a cliche saying but it's so true. JUST. LET. GO. I didn't have any other girls interested in me the entire time I was chasing my ex, but as soon as I let go, I noticed new girls were coming into my life, now I'm talking to like 4 girls and might be about to start a new relationship. Good things happen when you let go.
Author angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Thanks Exit...thank you for your advice. There is a wonderful guy that wants an opportunity. I do like him but am scared to try. I am going to give this man and myself an opportunity. I will try to focus on myself!
cdt76 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Yes, that is the hard part. You internalize the good times and want them back and blame yourself for everything that brought the separation. You loved every part of the relationship and it's hard to give up. I am not strong. This sucks more than anything I've gone through. But this site has helped. I don't have the switch, I just know it exists in some people.
cdt76 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Thanks Exit...thank you for your advice. There is a wonderful guy that wants an opportunity. I do like him but am scared to try. I am going to give this man and myself an opportunity. I will try to focus on myself! WHOA! Easy. Back down a little bit. Just because your ex threw himself into another relationship right off the bat, doesn't mean you have to or that it's the right thing for you. Date, go out with friends, meet new people but be careful because you do not want to REBOUND into someone else and only hurt yourself or the new guy. Wait until you are able to see yourself in a new light that is you are happy being who you are. When you are truely interested in another person without thinking about the past. I'm not there yet and it's been almost 3 months of NC and 5 months since the break up. Give yourself time. There is no hurry. Your heart will be ready when it is ready.
TaraMaiden Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Tara, I think you are somehow talking about an emotional disconnect in the brain. .... What are we to do when there is no switch or the mechanism to build the switch doesn't come with a manual? There IS no switch. You might believe there is, but there isn't, or you would have found it by now. Trust me - it's a fallacy, though I can see why you'd believe it exists.... Yes i need to know the vicinity of this switch. I want to turn the lights off or on...whichever. Just want to stop the negative obsessive thoughts!!! It really is simple, but the word simple does not equate with easy.... I just pointed out, there is no switch.... I think the hard part is accepting that hes not my fiance anymore. That he is now HER boyfriend. Literally i am up in there business. Im like the other woman now ;( Geez!!! So depressing!! Yes, that is the hard part. You internalize the good times and want them back and blame yourself for everything that brought the separation. You loved every part of the relationship and it's hard to give up. I am not strong. This sucks more than anything I've gone through. But this site has helped. I don't have the switch, I just know it exists in some people. You DO have the switch. you guys don't get it, do you....? You ARE the switch.
Author angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 No im not saying im going to run out and have a boyfriend. What i mean is i will start to go out...date whatever. I stay in the house all the time. All the things i like to do work out, shop, go to the bookstore, movies. It has all been put on a shelf because of my misery. I will start to focus on myself and hang out with people. I will give myself a chance to get to know people is what i meant. I am not ready for a relationship. It wont work. I will take it slow. I wonder why it works for some people though... the rebound thing. Why do some people do it without a problem??? Maybe its that switch Tara maiden is talking about. Tara Maiden i understand what youre saying...WE ARE THE SWITCH. We decide when we stop unnecesary pain.
TaraMaiden Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Perception is often Deception. we're making big assumptions here, about people just being able to drop emotions and find themselves in brand new relationships at the drop of a hat, without reservations, second thoughts or, maybe even conscience. I don't believe for one moment it ever really works like that. There's guilt, denial and a lot of baggage - which I am sure they neatly tuck away, hide and pretend they don't need to work on whereas in fact, it will probably creep out of its own accord at some future point and bite them smartly on the @$$..... Simply because we perceive a behaviour from them, and make assumptions about how cold-hearted and callous they are, doesn't make it fact. But frankly - it's completely irrelevant. They should be the last person we're thinking or wondering about. Our primary - main - sole - concern, should be how we deal with it, for ourselves.
EricaH329 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 The only emotional 'switch' that i'm aware of, is the realization that you are much better off without this other person. After you realize that, the strength that you have (which you do have, everyone does) comes to the surface and pulls you through. It's never as easy as just flipping the switch, it's more of a light dimmer . Everyone can do it. You just need to want (and I mean truly want) to get out of the rut you are in. If you can make yourself feel so terrible by putting yourself through all of this, then you can just as easily make yourself feel better. One day at a time.
Author angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) Yes i have often thought hE HAS TO FEEL SOMETHING...but i guess like you say Tara Maiden, he tucks it away. I do know i am better off without him. The truth is he was not very nice to me. He never wanted to work on our relationship. He was verbally abusive, Did not like to communicate and never said sorry when he was wrong. He was a very prideful individual. I guess i cant let go because when i look at their myspaces he is always so sweet and nice to her. Its like hes another person. I just dont understand how he can be like that with her. He doesnt even know her. Anyway i suppose that this is what messes me up. Looking at the myspaces is the problem. I have no business looking at their lives. Frankly its none of my business!!! Erica youre right...i spend so much energy on making myself feel bad by looking i should use that energy to start healing. The dimmer analogy makes sense...its a dimmer not a switch (one day at a time) The dimmer turns the switch on or off gruadually... makes all the sense in the world!!! Edited October 21, 2009 by angelface78
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