simplystupid Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 There is no way to make this brief, but I will try.... My wife and I have been married for over 15 years. Alot of people are surprised at that as 1- we are complete opposites and 2- we don't look our ages. We have four children, ages 15, 13, 9 & 7. We have had our problems, like most marriages, but things have come to light over the last few years that I was consciously unaware of (at least he first one): 1- I did something to my wife that was unthinkable, even now. It was 10 years ago and it left her hurt and killed her self-esteem. 2- Although it is not anywhere near a habit, I have viewed porn on the internet and bought movies over cable. The first time she found out, it did not go well. I assumed alot about her and our relationship. I assumed that this person who I married was strong (and she is) and our marriage was strong. I did not think she would feel betrayed or threatened by this. 3- A few years later, I left a job that was killing me inside. I was damn good at what I did, made decent money, travelled some, but I had to leave that environment. It was making me angry inside. I felt I could never find that balance of home and work. If one wasn't a disaster, the other was. It was this time that she took a vacation with the kids at a relatives house for 3 weeks. This was planned, and I could not attend as I was ending an old job and starting a new job. One with a completely different environment. But, I was completely overrun with anxiety. Was this a smart move? Would it really last? Could I meet our financial obligations? I was lost and had no one to turn to. I made a serious mistake: I started looking on different single sites. I "advertised" myself. I was looking for someone to talk to that did not have a vested intersest in my life. My wife was gone and I was lonely. I didn't leave the house. I don't do the bar scene, nothing. A few weeks later, she found that I had done this. She took my kids to my parents house and, in tears, asked me to come home, which I did (my commute is better than 60 miles). When I got home, she was sitting in a corner, far away from me with a pile of papers. Printed transcripts of my "advertisements". I never actually spoke to anyone. Our wedding rings were piled together on a table between us. As expected, she lashed out at me. I let her go at it, I made the mistake. She asked me to leave. She had packed all of my things and told me to leave. She even told me where she thought was appropriate to stay. I balked at this. Anyways, she listened to my side. We decided not to have me leave. We picked our kids and started seeing a marriage counselor. After a month, we felt that this particular person was not helping us. We, mutually, decided not to see this person anymore. I changed my habits and became less of an angry person, trying to enjoy things rather than seeing things as just another thing that had to be done. Things went well for a good while, almost 19 months, until... 4- I purchased a porn from cable in June of this year. I had not done so since item 3 occurred. I was alone while she was away with the kids. I've been alone without them on several occassions and never even thought about it. I can't answer why I did it then. This past weekend, I went on a semi-annual fishing trip with a few of my buddies. When I got home and got some things straightened out around the house, we made love. She instigated it, which is a bit unusual. That evening, while speaking in bed, she asked me about the movie. Financially, things are stretched tight, so we were going to sit down and discuss things. She sorted the bills and noticed that a movie charge was there. I told her I didn't remember. I admit that this was a terribly wrong thing to do. The next night, I told her about it. My oldest came in the room and the conversation ceased. We talked with him about something and she got up to go to bed. Since we have kids and they are involved with everything, we don't see much of each other except when I get home (some nights) and before bed. When I got home, we didn't have our "hello, I'm home" hug. I asked her what was wrong and she would not talk as my oldest daughter was in the next room. She had a bad headache and went to be early. So, today, I call her from work. We spoke about a trip we have to take in a few weeks. I call her everyday to see how she is doing and if there is anything she needs. I always end my calls with "I love you". I do this because I want those words to be the last thing she hears from me in the event that something catestrophic happens. When she did not reciprocate, I asked her about it. She said she didn't want to talk with me at work. I pushed the issued. I called her back on my cell from outside (I work in a cubicle farm). We spoke about alot of things. How she feels betrayed again, how she feels about porn. Mid way through the discussion, she's in tears and asks me to move out. We talked a bit longer and decided to go out tonight by ourselves to talk. This conversation involved alot. I will post some of it in a bit. I love my wife. She is the light of my soul. As I stated, we are as diametrically opposite as can be attained. She is definately (by her admission) a conformist. I got against the grain. Over time, I've learned to conform some, especially as I get older. I've had to grow up, mature, a good bit. We both agree that we got into this marriage with the naive thought that it would be a fairy tale and everything would work itself out. We've hurt each other and recognize this. Most of the time, it's been unintentional. I've sworn off porn, period. I should have long ago. I'm more mature than that. We both don't want our marriage to end. In our heart of hearts, we love each other and want nothing more than to not hurt each other anymore. After reading some things on the web, I find that most think that a seperate is good. I'm not so sure. I don't have alot of money at all. I really can't afford a cousellor at $90 per session. I don't know what tonight will hold, but I am hopeful in my heart, but a bowling ball has taken residence in my stomach. I have acknowledged my mistakes and have asked for forgiveness from her. I have hurt her terribly. I told her that I could not really forgive myself until she could forgive me. I was given a beautiful wife, marriage and family. And I am destroying it with my stupidity.
lynn123 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Yes, your addiction to porn has hurt your wife. The same thing happened to me, only my husband advertised "to meet for anonymous sex." Destroyed my self esteem for years. He initially blamed me and through me into a deeper depression. One thing you have going for you is you admit you are wrong and you are willing to tell your wife. Make up your mind that each and every day you are going to do something special to let her know how important she is to you. She may still have some days when she doesn't feel so great about you, and those nagging doubts may remain for years. But if you love her, you will let her have her feelings and reassure her that your love for her is forever. I wish my STBEX had done that for me.
Author simplystupid Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 The on-again/off again feelings are already there, for the last 2 years. I give her the space that she needs. Items 2 & 3 happened 2 years ago. Since then, we've had romantic weekends away, complete with a professional massage. I sold some things so I could surprise her with a trip to Vegas for our 15th wedding anniversary. I could not afford to take her to Paris, France, so we went to Paris, Las Vegas. Sounds corny, but she like it. We had the best seats in the Eiffel Tower Restaurant and had dinner the next night at the Top of the World in the Stratosphere. I took months of painstaking planning to pull that off. Everything down to who was watching the kids while we were gone. I don't know if I see it as an addiction. I've never had a previous need for such things. I never rented or bought anything like it before now. I've never been comfortable with my body, even in front of her.
carhill Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 After reading some things on the web, I find that most think that a seperate is good. I'm not so sure. I don't have alot of money at all. I really can't afford a cousellor at $90 per session. I don't know what tonight will hold, but I am hopeful in my heart, but a bowling ball has taken residence in my stomach. IME and IMO, separation is only 'good' if both parties agree to consistent MC during the separation, with the goal to reunite the family. Otherwise, it is a preface to divorce. Compare the cost of MC to that of a lawyer (actually two lawyers) and court costs. Don't rush that analysis
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