SummerLady Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I am in a serious relationship and I have small kids. I am divorced and so is he. He has kids but they are older and do not live with him. Has anyone here married someone with small children. I guess I am concerned how it will work as he has not had small kids in 10 years or so. There is no financial pressure on his part as my ex pays me child support and I make good money. He says he is fine with it but wanted experienced opinions on this.....
2sure Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Blended families seem to be the norm these days. My current H has no children. I have a daughter from a previous marriage. For her, and from a parenting aspect - its been surprisingly good. I was surprised that a man who lived alone until he was 40 could become comfortable with a ready made family. The most important thing when remarrying with children..is to be SURE you and your new guy have the same family values. Parenting styles can differ but you want to decide on your roles. You want to know what his buttons are and how he reacts when they are pushed.
asireen Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I am in a serious relationship and I have small kids. I am divorced and so is he. He has kids but they are older and do not live with him. Has anyone here married someone with small children. I guess I am concerned how it will work as he has not had small kids in 10 years or so. There is no financial pressure on his part as my ex pays me child support and I make good money. He says he is fine with it but wanted experienced opinions on this..... It would be nice if people put the interest of their children before themselves. After all, they brought them into the world, that's the least they could do. Continue to have your serious relationship, do not marry now and make life more complicated for the children, his and yours. After your youngest is at least 18, you are free to do what you want. If he thinks you are worth it, he will wait, and vice versa.
Sparty97 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 It would be nice if people put the interest of their children before themselves. After all, they brought them into the world, that's the least they could do. Continue to have your serious relationship, do not marry now and make life more complicated for the children, his and yours. After your youngest is at least 18, you are free to do what you want. If he thinks you are worth it, he will wait, and vice versa. Thank you Dr. Laura...get off. As long as he is a nice guy and is kind to you and your child and you love each other feel free to marry. Blended families are not tragedies waiting to happen. For every evil stepfather I can find you 100 evil biological fathers.
asireen Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Thank you Dr. Laura...get off. As long as he is a nice guy and is kind to you and your child and you love each other feel free to marry. Blended families are not tragedies waiting to happen. For every evil stepfather I can find you 100 evil biological fathers. Looks like I hit a raw nerve on Sparty. Guilty perhaps? Selfish for sure. Dr. Laura would not even approve of a relationship, forget marriage.
fooled once Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I am in a serious relationship and I have small kids. I am divorced and so is he. He has kids but they are older and do not live with him. Has anyone here married someone with small children. I guess I am concerned how it will work as he has not had small kids in 10 years or so. There is no financial pressure on his part as my ex pays me child support and I make good money. He says he is fine with it but wanted experienced opinions on this..... When I remarried, my son was 9 and his kids were 15 and 7. My son lived with us full time and my H had e/o/w visitation. It was hard on my H for several years. He didn't see his kids as much AND his kids were a lot of work - A LOT OF WORK. They got into a lot of trouble and were being raised the total opposite of how I was raising my S. Step life is HARD - HARD - HARD. Be prepared if you are going to marry this man.
fooled once Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 There is nothing wrong with 2 divorced parents marrying. As long as you make sure it is best for the kids - meaning as long as the step parent isn't abusive, dismissive and disrespectful. My H has been a good stepfather. It has taken some time and some work, but my son loves his stepfather. Being a stepmother, IMHO, has been harder. I see my 2 steps being raised by a thoughtless, stupid woman who doesn't believe in rules, boundaries or punishment. And because of her lack of parenting, my 2 step children have the odds stacked against them because of her lack of parenting. Neither have much motivation and so far, neither have been successful in the working world. Neither are college material (neither were much of high school material) and both believe the world owes them something. Their mother doesn't believe in working for a living, she instead thinks mooching off others is the way to go. So the lack of parenting of her kids did cause some issues when they came to our home for visitation. My H didn't have a snowball's chance in heck to change the way the kids were being raised, which in some ways, caused him to resent how well my son was doing. I personally don't believe in living together when you have children. You are not setting a good example, IMHO. If you love each other enough to live together, why not marry. Set expectations up front. Have family meetings. Think about family counseling. Do NOT let your boyfriend use physical punishment on the kids. While there is nothing wrong him him participating in discipline, YOU should be the main disciplinarian. Another helpful tip -- don't let your boyfriend make you choose between you and him. IF it gets to that point, I would hope you would choose your children. Many men become jealous and possessive of a woman's children and want the woman all to himself. IF your ex isn't good with exercising his visitation, make sure your boyfriend knows up front you may not have "free" weekends without the kids. That way, he doesn't get angry when your ex doesn't pick up the kids or get angry at them for because their father didn't pick them up. I have been remarried for 12 years. I have an outstanding relationship with my stepkids and my H is very close to my son. IT CAN WORK -- it takes time and work - BUT IT CAN WORK! Good luck
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